BPD Mom + Boyfriend= bad New Year for me

[sandra87]

Hi,

I hope everyone had a good start in the New Year.As some of you might know I have been in this forum because I have mother who has (undiagnosed) BPD.

I refused to stay in touch with her for almost 3 years now.I moved her and she's in another country so I can avoid to see her or talk to her.She is currently with her boyfriend who has two children (I think 7 & 11 yrs old) He has custody and lives in a separate apartment to collect unemployment,welfare and child-support.I know for a fact he uses her (my mother) financially because she works as a nurse,and also has other girlfriends around he can use as cash-flow.

However my mother is either too ignorant or too crazy to see it but that's another issue.I really don't care about that anymore.What my problem was,is that she has recontacted me again and asked why I broke up contact.I explained it once more (threatened to kill herself,disappeared for a week,then two days after my wedding quick e-mail she's with her boyfriend from whose existence I didn't know before... .  )

Anyways she claims she didn't know that,but does not take responsibility or even acknowledges what this childish act did to my psyche because I basically thought (at that time) I am responsible for her death.Needless to see,since I already had depression and PTSD it got 100000 times worse and I am now past the point of having a "normal life" ever again.

We got into a argument about that because I was trying to make her comprehend what that means to me and the implications (financially,physically,mentally and socially) it will have for my future.I guess she wouldn't take responsibility and got defensive,she kept asking if we could keep trying to rebuilt a relationship but I was fixsated on getting my point across: "How can you have a realtionship to anyone who has hurt you this bad an is likely to do it again?"

After her usual crocodiles tears and us yelling back and forth,her boyfriend got involved (Again this guy has never spoken to me and barley knows my name) and gave me his "sob story" about having a stubborn father he keeps trying to reestablish a relationship with because he is dying of cancer.I feel sorry for his dad but again,this has nothing to do with the issue at hand and to me is just "filler-bustering"

Anyways after being pushy and trying to make me believe that I oughta just" let the past be past" even though I'm still recovering from it,I got so frustrated.As in many fights you end up yelling,cursing and trying to out-scream each other which is what happens with her and then of course with him.He went on saying he wanted to jump on a plane because my husband has called my mother a btch before and beat his ___.I know calling someone a b-word is offensive but I've called her worse so I can't be mad at my husband for using that one.Anyway I don't feel threatened by it but I think it's pretty low to even have to threaten to f*** someone up,especially since this guy is like 38yrs old... .  I guess he wanted to insult me further and called me a goldigger who just has contact with other family members for money which is outrageous and far from true.(FYI: I never asked anyone for money or even a loan)After that jab  I just hung up the phone and spend the next couple of hours in a mix of shock,disassociation,rage and crying spells.

I feel stupid that I answered the phone and I should have let it go to voicemail but it's too late.I have made it clear ( I wrote her online) that I wish not to have any dealings and contact with her or her boyfriend.I keep doing that every couple of years because her or him or both will not stop pestering me at least once a year and if she can't reach me around christmas or new years she blackmails me and spreads nasty lies about me.

I don't know what else to do because I blocked her on facebook,her e-mails get automatically deleted,I changed my phone number several times but he somehow finds a way of looking it up online (I even had it removed from the phone book)


I'm supposed to see my familiy (my dad and grandma) and I want to see them because they're getting older but I'm at a loss what to do about my "mother" (parenthesis here because it's hard calling her that since she did to me as a mother long ago)

I'm worried her BF is the "pushy" kind so if I did run into them they'll probably pester me even if I try to just walk off.I don't know what to do,since I don't live there anymore I guess it be a waste of time and money to get a restraining order.Has anyone had those problems with their parents? Is there a way out without me being pushed in a corner and getting myself in trouble because I eventually get fed up and b*** slap them both?I really don't want to sink to their level here.

[justnothing]

This may sound easier said than done but have you ever had any experience with brushing people off? I find that when faced with a pushy, domineering type, it sometimes helps to be firm and dismissive. Like on the phone, when he suddenly decides to butt in, you could try saying "this is between me and my mother and none of your business now get her back on the phone or I'm hanging up" and if he starts to argue and for more than 10 seconds, just hang up. Or if you decide to visit your family and he starts pestering you, you could maybe try telling him that you have nothing to say to him and don't want to talk to him and just walk away regardless of what he has to say about that… and if he follows, just refuse to engage with him… there's no need to get into any kind of argument with this stranger. (er, I should note that all of the above comes from assuming that the guy isn't literally dangerous… if you think he's capable of violence, stalking, harassing and the like it might be better to be more cautious with him and to indeed involve the authorities if you ever feel threatened by him).

Anyway… you obviously don't owe anything to either of them but in the case of the bf that's especially true because he's a total stranger… you don't owe him the time of day.

As for your mother, it sounds like the problem with her isn't just about what happened in the past but what's happening in the present… whenever you and her talk, it ends up in an argument and it sounds like building a relationship with her isn't currently possible because of the way things are now. It might be helpful to tell yourself this (and her, if the subject of why you can't build a relationship ever comes up again) because it sounds like this is more than just "not being able to forgive" but possibly also about not wanting to let her hurt you again (correct me if I'm wrong btw… I might just be off track).

[sandra87]

Thank you justnothing!

I really appreciate your insights on this and it makes sense.To answer your questions: I don't think her bf is the violent type but definitely get the feeling he's very pushy,relentless trying to get an reaction out of you.

There is more to it than "not being able to forgive her" on my part.She claims its important for both of us to reestablish a relationship but again,trying to tell her that like with friends or anyone else in your life you first got to trust them is a concept she either can't understand or refuses to understand.I told her exactly that on the phone but she still keep insisting on "trying it" anyway because supposedly she wants to help me.