Caught in the middle...

[Parents! Get help here!]

My single 38 yo old son is BPD with schizoid affective traits.  My 40 yo daughter is married with 2 teenage children.  She suffers from anxiety and depression, and I am beginning to suspect some elements of BPD as well.  Her husband is a whiner who finds fault with everyone and everything.  Nothing ever meets his expectations.  Never a kind word.  He is obsessed with money and possessions and jealous of everyone.   

My ex-husband recently died.  In his will, he left his personal assets to be divided 50/50 between our son and daughter.  Our daughter feels she was much closer to her dad than our son - who had gone through periods of estrangement over the years - but who had reconciled with his father before his death.  We divorced many years ago, and he had very little involvement with either child.  There were years of emotional abuse by him that have affected both children.  He was alcoholic with PTSD (VietNam) and knowing what I know now, he was probably BPD as well.  He was raised in a violent and dysfunctional family which is exactly what our family became. 

Our BPD son is furious with the way his sister... .  the personal representative for the estate ... .  is ignoring him.  He refuses to speak to her or her husband ever again, saying they are greedy, selfish, disrespectful, people.  After 2 months of no communication and accusations on both sides, I was asked to share information with our son, since I am the only person he will have contact with.   Unfortunately, she and other family members have excluded him from many things, including arranging the funeral.  They also went to the lake property the day after the funeral and removed items without inviting him.   There is a small jointly owned IRA.  His half would give our son enough money to try to find work and support himself for a while which is a Godsend.   He currently lives alone and has no income.  His sister and husband are employed full-time with a lovely home.  There is an expensive vehicle, lake residence and boat... .  all of which my daughter believes she and her family are entitled to... .  because she loved Dad more.  (?)

Amazingly, our daughter has no clue how her behavior is affecting her brother and me, nor does she seem to care.  She is the victim here and she is angry at everyone, especially him.   

Told them both I am done being in the middle of their argument.  Get some legal advice... .  then grow up.    I am sure it will come back to haunt me... .  BPD's do that you know.

[MammaMia]

My single 38 yo old son is BPD with schizoid affective traits.  My 40 yo daughter is married with 2 teenage children.  She suffers from anxiety and depression, and I am beginning to suspect some elements of BPD as well.  Her husband is a whiner who finds fault with everyone and everything.  Nothing ever meets his expectations.  Never a kind word.  He is obsessed with money and possessions and jealous of everyone.   

My ex-husband recently died.  In his will, he left his personal assets to be divided 50/50 between our son and daughter.  Our daughter feels she was much closer to her dad than our son - who had gone through periods of estrangement over the years - but who had reconciled with his father before his death.  We divorced many years ago, and he had very little involvement with either child.  There were years of emotional abuse by him that have affected both children.  He was alcoholic with PTSD (VietNam) and knowing what I know now, he was probably BPD as well.  He was raised in a violent and dysfunctional family which is exactly what our family became. 

Our BPD son is furious with the way his sister... .  the personal representative for the estate ... .  is ignoring him.  He refuses to speak to her or her husband ever again, saying they are greedy, selfish, disrespectful, people.  After 2 months of no communication and accusations on both sides, I was asked to share information with our son, since I am the only person he will have contact with.   Unfortunately, she and other family members have excluded him from many things, including arranging the funeral.  They also went to the lake property the day after the funeral and removed items without inviting him.   There is a small jointly owned IRA.  His half would give our son enough money to try to find work and support himself for a while which is a Godsend.   He currently lives alone and has no income.  His sister and husband are employed full-time with a lovely home.  There is an expensive vehicle, lake residence and boat... .  all of which my daughter believes she and her family are entitled to... .  because she loved Dad more.  (?)

Amazingly, our daughter has no clue how her behavior is affecting her brother and me, nor does she seem to care.  She is the victim here and she is angry at everyone, especially him.   

Told them both I am done being in the middle of their argument.  Get some legal advice... .  then grow up.    I am sure it will come back to haunt me... .  BPD's do that you know.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ScarletOlive]

Hi MammaMia,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum! I'm sorry for the struggles you're going through, but glad you found us for support. A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do?

Senior members on this board for parents of children with BPD will be very helpful in offering advice and support for you. Sending you lots of peace and support for your day. Keep posting!

[lbjnltx]

Hello Mammamia

Glad you are here on the Supporting... Board!

Wow... .  messy situation for sure.  To bad your late exhusband did not designate a third party as executor of his estate.  I think your advice and boundary are the best you could offer!  Being drawn into the triangle isn't good for anyone.

Here is a link that explains the Karpman Triangle and how to stay out of it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

lbjnltx

[cfh]

I'm not a lawyer but if your exh wishes were for his estate to be divided 50/50 then legally that is what has to be done.  Your dd may not agree but it is not her call because her father left a will specifying his wishes.  Yes it would have been less emotional if he had designated a third party but this is your kids problem now not yours.

Do you think you are able to step back and let them work it out?

[MammaMia]

Thank you for your input.  I appreciate it.  Legally, the few things my ex had belong to both our daughter and son.  I am surprised and dismayed by her behavior.  I do not know if it is fueled by greed or if she just does not understand.  Our son is BPD with schizoid characteristics, and I have explained to her over and over that her thoughtless comments and actions are EXTREMELY hurtful.  That his reactions are NOT "normal" and BPD intensifies his emotional response to everything, even though he may not show it in public.  She and her husband went so far as to criticizing him for not crying at the funeral.  Again, I tried to explain to her privately that this is a response typical of BPD.  Our son has called me many, many, many times over the past 8 weeks to express his grief, sadness, anger, and guilt ---  every emotion possible ---where his Dad is concerned.   Meanwhile, his sister comes across as callous, cruel, and greedy which makes him furious.  I have spoken with her and given her information on BPD several times.  My intent was to educate her about what she is dealing with --- but she just does not get it.  I got pulled into the conflict because they were not speaking and I was

asked to relay information.  After one attempt, I quit.  Too stressful.

I agree wholeheartedly that a beneficiary should NEVER be made a personal rep or executor.  In fact, my ex's second wife said that he loved conflict so much, he may have done this on purpose!  Not sure about that.

I have made my position clear: I love both of them but I am not involved, and will not take sides.  They need to work it out, although I fear their relationship will never be functional for many reasons.  My new job is to stay out of it and pray for some kind of resolution.  Thanks for letting me vent.My intent was to educate her about what she is dealing with --- but she just does not get it.

[cfh]

Mammamia

I don't know how we'll your dh is able to handle money bit if he like my ds the money would be gone very soon.

Since he's an adult could you talk to him about setting up a Special Needs Trust?  NAMI has some good info about this on their site.

It would give him access to the money but not in a lump sum and you would appoint a trustee.

Something to check out.