failure at moving on - part 2

[aurora.dragon]

Just checked his fb two days ago... .he has deleted his 2wk exbf... .

Very curious.

[Suzn]

So, that is why I dated others.  I needed to distance myself.

If you dated a BPD - you would know it is a survival technique.

Dating others whilst one is still emotionally attached leaves you vulnerable to another dysfunctional relationship. This is just "getting by" till the next engagement of the dance you are doing with your ex. How is this working for you? No judgement here, is this fulfilling for you?

Just checked his fb two days ago... .he has deleted his 2wk exbf... .

Very curious.

 

aurora if you are wanting to re-engage it may be helpful to spend some time on the Staying board working on the communication skills and lessons found there. This is the Leaving board.

[aurora.dragon]

Well... .I am hoping I won't get love bombed by another BPD... .I know what to look for now.

my exBPD was special to me and he touch something deep inside of me and helped me to see my childhood deficits of feeling unlovable and having low self-esteem... .but I do not want another one.

My exBPD bf helped me to see that my parents and my exH are disordered and as a result... .I suffer.

I am a non-enabling fixer... .

Losing my exBPD was like losing my mother or a child... .the  deep feelings he stirred up... .

I am being very careful now.

It appears a lot of men my age are narcissistic or disordered in someway - hence they are single.  I am not interested in pursuing that type of relationship... .any unhealthy red flags and they are gone!

Hence, I am still single and not engaged.

Yes, I still check up on exBPD bf out of curiosity... .but I think he has been with other women now and although part of me wants to physically and emotionally engage with him again.  I am paranoid for my health... .so no thank you.

Im pretty sure he hates me still or is vowing to stay away from me as all he does is egocentric things and we just keep getting into situations where I will call him on his selfish and inconsiderate behavior and he splits me.

So no, I don't want to reengage with him.

I miss him but I need to move on.

I am taking my time and looking for someone confident, funny and kind - not narcissistic and mirroring.  Its tough because I do want someone similar to me... .My exBPD bf must  have laughed when I told him that... .because afterall, that is what he is excellent at - mirroring and acting a part until it no longer pleases him.  When the mask is off, he is criticial, spoiled and selfish.  Like a spoiled child really.  He vascillated between waif child and angry child.

So, no - I am staying on the leaving page - it is almost 3 and a half months since I last saw him... .I will just try and keep a low profile.  I told him that I got antsy around the 2-3 month break up stage as he has come back 3 times around then... .I have no idea what he will do.

If I have moved on... .I will never reengage with him again as it is just a waste of time and I do get emotionally attached and don't want anyone else.  Right now, if I met a confident, funny, successful and kind man... .I could attach - no problem and totally disengage from exBPD bf... .

I could be vulnerable right now... .but I have learned so much about myself... .the gift of the Borderline... .and how sometimes you need to be hit in the head with a 2 x 4 to learn the lesson.

I will always be grateful to my exBPD as he unknowlingly taught me a ton... .and I think it is also the ripping of the scabs of old wounds that never healed properly... .is the biggest gift... .and i'm hoping the wounds, now identified, will heal properly.

I know these are my lessons. my feelings and my healing... .but I am amazed how he stirred up all these longings and wants and needs that I struggled to have my parents meet as a child... .and how I struggled with him and couldn't have him meet those needs either.  I couldn't keep him in the end though I really tried. and that is for the better as I can't be his friend and I can't have a healthy romantic relationship with him so I have to release him... .

He was just trying to have someone love him... .but he couldn't trust me and he was terrified of intimacy.  I was watching a video of a small toddler being abused by a nanny.   The child was crying and the nanny was slapping him everytime he moved ... .my heart broke and I thought of my exBPD bf who was abandoned by his mom, had an absent father and a series of unloving and abusive nannies... .

I can't be mad or mean to him... .Im sure his childhood was sad and lonely... .but I can't help him eventhough  I would love to help and love him... .but he cant let me - he is not capable.  And I told him that I understood that.

he probably has someone else is is shining for and mirroring... .and I am probably just someone that he used to know... .so be it.

These people do stain you and change you... .but I think for the better.

I wonder if he will contact me again.

[aurora.dragon]

update:

Well, I think I met someone that Im going to like.

No chemistry... .but a good guy I think is attractive and who is really trying to "wow" me... .so I going to be positive and have fun with it and see where it goes.

I still think about exBPD... .but he totally hates me and has gone, no contact with me so... .I did email him a few weeks ago as it is hard for me to go from hot sex and "love" to nothing... .its nothing I can't live without... .but it is like an addiction... .and its him that is curing me by enforcing NC... .

Im glad for it... .as I have a hard time staying away from him and if i were totally honest... .if he wasn't with anyone else... .I would take him back... .a moth to the lightbulb... .but he is punishing me and turned the lightbulb off so this moth will have to fly away and find a new light bulb - preferably one that doesn't burn so bright ... .but one that casts a warm light... .instead of blinding and burning.

Will update in awhile to let you know how new guy is faring

 

[aurora.dragon]

Happy New Year

Well, NC continues... . of course - his initiation - Im sure he has blocked all venues of contact so cest la vie.  He never responded to my emails a few months ago saying I was sorry to accuse him - but what he did was wrong.  He did write back and said we would have NC and that it would be impossible to be friends.  I always laugh at that as I would never be his friend.  Anyways - haven't seen him for 5 months - I think of him every day but I try and think of all the clueless, inappropriate, mean things he has done and how he made me feel... . And although he made me feel good in the beginning and he made me feel good in bed... . intellectually... . before he split me he made me feel bad and sad with his criticisms... . and thats what im focusing on.

Met a nice man I dated for a month in December... . didn't sleep with him but had a nice time and kissed and held hands etc... . but he was newly separated and had some family issues due to Christmas and had to take a break.  Funny - I have zero interest in seeing him or having contact with him.  Its just my BPD guy I pine for... . everyone else, I can take or leave.  Christmas was busy but Im starting to look for other partners and i think I will plan a trip to europe in the spring - go on a singles tour perhaps.

I think the exBPDbf is with someone new - he is off the dating site and being mr social... . so he has moved on.

I am pretty sure he won't contact me and I have resolved not to go back as we don't work and he has replaced me twice already in the 2 years we have dated... . I think it is gross.

Ive said it before ... . but I think I can't like anyone else when Im engaged with him.

Its been 5 months - its a new year and time for new beginnings.