failure at moving on - part 2

[HarmKrakow]

well... .  things were going somewhat smoothly.

When I talk to him on the phone he disregulates really quickly and talks like he hates me.

I am leaving for florida tomorrow and as I just got back in town after caring for a sick relative I only have 2 days home.  My BPD texted me everyday i was gone asking about my relative - I was surprised.

I got home and BOOM - I checked the dating site - and he is back on!

I confronted him on it and he says he just like to voyeur women... .  weird... .  I said he could do that with his profile not visible but he didn't take it down.  He got mad and said he didn't like to be told what to do and I was always forcing him to do things.

Somehow, I soothed him over and we had a nice text conversation and he was going to visit me before I left.

yesterday, he still did not take it down... .  

He said he couldn't visit me yesterday due to work... .  yet he has all the time in the world for his plays and other groups he belongs to.

So, he said he would visit today.  It was 10:00pm - and he was still working, so he said he would talk to me when he was done.  I checked the online site a few minutes later and it said he was online... .  

I texted him immediately and said... .  "your profile is still up and it shows you are online.   I cannot have you come over while you are on a dating site as it makes me feel disrespected.  I am sorry you are making this choice for us as you know you being on a dating site is a deal breaker.  You are treating me badly and I can't continue."

He replied, "I am very angry with you right now, please do not reply."

I wrote back. "You need to decide what is important to you and apologize to me and do the right thing.  Goodnight."

I am feelling better about things.

I am going to go on my trip and enjoy it.

I will not pursue him.

He has crossed my boundary and if I allow it - things will just get worse.  As long as he is on the site... .  I shall not initiate contact.

I am probably painted black and I won't hear from him again.

And, I know he is not the good person I thought he was.  I think he is a weed in my garden.

Keep us updated as we are here to help!

[aurora.dragon]

hi

Briefcase:  you were wondering if I had a chance to read the staying lessons.

I did.

I understand their twisted thinking and providing a safe environment... .  which I was quite willing to work with... .  however, it is a deal breaker for me for him to be on that dating site... .  he replaced me once and it hurt me badly and I vowed I would never take him back if he blacked me out again as I now realizes he is capable of that behavior and that is unacceptable to me.

Being on the dating site is indicative to me that he is looking for a replacement... .  and that is unacceptable to me.

I have not heard from him since he got mad at me for getting upset with him for being on the dating site.  He said he is only looking.

I met him on that site so I know he does chat... .  

He told me that I turned it into a pissing contest and he can't back down and that I "pissed him off" and to leave him alone.

I will not contact him again.  As far as I am concerned, it is over.

He crossed my boundaries and does not respect or appreciate me so I am finished with him and moving on.

I still love him, but I love me more... .  

Are you saying I could have prevented this blow out and gotten him to get fthe site?

[aurora.dragon]

 

Well, thanks for the support and an opportunity to vent.

I just wanted to update you.

I have not heard a peep from my exBPDbf.

I checked his fb and I noticed a new female friend.

I checked her fb and noticed he had commented on two of her very recent posts - wow stunning.

I think she is needy and flaky as she has a lot of kissy pictures and tweets every hour... .  she did tweet she met someone new and is in love... .  she is probably BPD, histronic or just a nut by the looks of it.  In love in 4 days?  Plus she had a tweet within that time frame about her sign and, coincidently, his sign being love matches... .  

He is off the dating site as of today... .  so I guess it expired like he said it would.

I don't know if the new fb friend women and he are an item, but I am 90% yes given the coincidences.

I am going to monitor it so that if he comes back - I can say - I am sorry you replaced me while we were apart and I can't see you anymore.

I still think of him and today was a particularily hard one, but I just rode out the pain. :'(

I havent seen him since December 28th so I should be over him as it has been over a month but we were conversing regularly until January 25th so... .  and he said on the 25th how much he missed me and wanted to see me, but then I caught him online on the dating site and got upset with him and he split me.

I miss him and am sad it ended but I think we both know he is doing me a favour.

I will post here in a month to update, but I think this is the end.

Good luck everyone... .  this is a horrible disorder... .  for the non, it is like kicking a drug habit... .  very strange as I have NEVER experienced this before.

I am going for a healthy relationship now.

[yeeter]

Good luck AD!

It sounds like you have made a decision on your path forward.  Be prepared for when we shows back up with the lessons and learnings.

Also, most advice I hear for someone coming out of a relationship is to 'give yourself some time' to build your own life and be comfortable with yourself, before jumping back into the dating pool/next relationship.  (since you mentioned you were going on a couple dates per week).

Meeting people is a good thing.  But serial dating/intense searching for 'the one', doesn't give you time to heal and stabilize your own emotional health.

[briefcase]

Are you saying I could have prevented this blow out and gotten him to get fthe site?

Not at all.  We can't control the behavior of others, at least not in a healthy way.  He made his decision, you made yours.  That's as it should be.   

[aurora.dragon]

ok... .  

why am I am missing him like crazy... .  I feel a weight in my heart and all I can do is think of him.

He has treated me badly and I want to just move on with my life and I am keeping busy, going out with friends and went on a few disasterous dates... .  

And I just am missing him so badly... .  it is so odd... .  I never missed my exH of 26 years... .  I think because the relationship had lost all its passion and I had lost all my respect.

ExBPDbf tho... .  on and off for a year and a half... .  so much passion and intensity... .  and then he would split... .  a roller coaster.

I can't believe I broke down today after 2 weeks of no contact... .  yes... .  I did... .  and i texted him that I was very sad the way things ended and that I didn't quite understand why he put me in that position and that I suspected he had replaced me with some IQ challenged person... .  and I still missed and loved him and I was really trying not too... .  

I don't know if I want him back... .  Im sure if I am having a weak moment like I am now I would go back to him... .  as long as my suspicions were wrong about him replacing me... .  

As long as I haven't replaced him... .  and he hasn't replace me... .  I still want him... .  

unbelievable!

He is still angry with me so I won't get a response... .  I know I can write anything and he will not respond... .  Kind of gives you freedom of expression... .  I can tell him anything and he will not respond... .  

Well... .  this is my confession.

[yeeter]

Nice confession AD.

You are being honest with yourself and not trying to hide your actions even though you know they arent the wisest.



Call a friend and spend some time with them.  Do something together.  DO ANYTHING!  Preferably something where your mind cant wander off in other directions (I find physical exercise good for this, its hard to obsess on something when all you can think about is where to get your next breath... .  )

The self awareness is a key first step.

Do you think you can find a substitute for contacting him?  Some people write a letter and then burn it instead of sending... .  or something like this?

[aurora.dragon]

Well... .  after my texting I checked fb and I found a picture on the woman's wall I suspected of being my replacement of her and my exBPDbf ... .  Her saying I am so happy.

She describes him in her blog as the perfect man.  That they talk to the wee hours of the night - just like we used to.

She called him an oasis ... .  A word he used to call me.

She is a pretty girl but reading her blog very emotionally vulnerable and psychologically unstable.  Needy and attention seeking - prob a cluster b too.  Uneducated, poor self-esteem and broke... .  has LOVE banners all over her wall... .  It's been 2 weeks... .  

Well I have my closure.  I know for 100% that we are done, more wondering.

I texted him and told him I knew.  I said I was shocked and hurt and told he was dangerous.  He was suppose to see me on the 25th and I'm pretty sure he met her the 26th - the day after he split me... .  prob on Internet site - what a liar.

Well that's what I get for loving a disordered man.  A gamble and a loss just like every website says ... .  He will destroy this woman and move on... .  

[yeeter]

ok AD.  Now you know.

What will be your next steps for moving on with your life?

[aurora.dragon]

Omg!

I am posting here because if I don't I'm going to text exbf... .  

I miss him SO much and he consumes my thoughts and the aching in my heart is unbearable!

I am guilty of fb stalking him and my replacement plus I read her blogs... .  

I know from her blogs that she has processed her love in 2 weeks, that he played her like she played me - talking all night and becoming who she wants him to be... .  

She is uneducated woman living below the poverty line with a litter of children, a host of psycho somatic illnesses and personal issues with friends and employers.  What a prize. My antithesis... .  did I really make him feel that inadequate?.

I should be running so fast in the opposite direction!

I went out with a guy friend for valentines - had a nice birthday with my kids -

And all I can do is think of him and ache.  I met a fellow I was interested in but he had to go away to England on business.

Can I just send him an angry text as I feel so angry with him for treating me like this - I am hurt and angry that he replaced me so quickly with this type of person and that this person is enjoying him and i am missing him.  Or just remain no contact and suck it up and move on and live my life with success and happiness.

I know option #2 is best but I so want to tell him off.

And it scares me as I want him back so badly to be brutally honest.

Can someone talk some sense in to me?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi AD,

I notice your thread title is "failure at moving on", does this mean you are going to continue to pursue a relationship?  Please forgive me for the confusion as this is the "staying board", sorry if I have this wrong... .  

First? I'd not send an angry text.  By engaging in this kind of communication, it's rather like throwing diesel fuel to a fire.  This is only going to end up hurting you, and you have suffered enough hurt haven't you?

Here's just a lil something my T had me try when I was having trouble detaching from my pwBPD.  Set aside an hour each day to grieve, cry, ruminate, write emails (save to draft, do not send) etc.  When that hour is up, move on to some other aspect of your life.  This is for your benefit entirely.

I know you miss him, I understand that kind of pain very well!  You feel like you have a gaping hole in your chest, right?  I'm really sorry to hear you struggling so badly. Try to implement something that is just for you!

Big, big hugs AD!

CiF

[Grey Kitty]

  Wow, you have been run though quite the wringer in the last month. My head is spinning and I wasn't even part of it!

Omg!

I am posting here because if I don't I'm going to text exbf... .  

... .  snip, snip... .  

I know option #2 is best but I so want to tell him off.

And it scares me as I want him back so badly to be brutally honest.

Can someone talk some sense in to me?

I hear AD talking sense into you. Do you hear that?

Give yourself credit for knowing that some things you "want" to do aren't going to work out well for yourself. Give yourself more credit for knowing when you need help to do it "right"

But just in case you need somebody else, I'll bite: Txting him with your anger won't do anybody any good. Don't make me take your phone away from you 

There is one thing you said which has me really thinking, as it summarizes a lot that you wrote in this thread: "And it scares me as I want him back so badly to be brutally honest." What can you do with that? Blindly chasing after him when you are lost in it doesn't sound good. Fighting it would probably involve fighting yourself, and you are bound to lose something in that fight.

The only "good idea" I've got is accept it and surrender to the feeling. Sounds hard and scary, and not sure where it will take you. I'm pretty sure that letting yourself experience the feeling will help.

[aurora.dragon]

well... .  I did send the text... .  can't even remember what I said... .  though I think it was something like I couldn't believe he replaced me with someone like that, that he could have put some effort into picking someone who wasn't financially, socially and intellectually vulnerable... .  and that I deserved way better than him and we both knew it but I just got completely stuck on him.

Its been... .  8 days since the text and I must say those 8 days have been very good.  The aching is gone.

I allow myself to think about him, but then I go through all the crummy things he did to me and then I think of his replacement and I get disgusted and Im done thinking about that for awhile.

I still check the replacements blogs and I see that there is no more I love this person so much... .  actually at all... .  she is angry and defeated but doesn't specify why... .  ... .  I could take some guesses.

Anyways... .  I am just letting the feelings of missing him come and go and keep thinking about what a jerk he is.  It helps.  I think him knowingly replacing me gives me closure.  He won't contact me again.  And I won't be contacting him either... .  ok... .  so youve heard that before... .  but I am going move on with things thanks to him cheating.

I am looking for healthy, supportive, loving and stable.  I am staying away from people with no children or who just have a series of short term relationships... .  I think i can spot BPD and NPD 10 miles away now.

I will check in in a few weeks.

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm really glad to hear that you are feeling like you made the right choice and are going in the right direction. Thanks for the update.

Now that you are moving on... .  perhaps you should go and say hello on either the "Leaving" or "Building healthy relationships and dating" board?

You've still got some healing to do, and there are people here who can help you there as well. 

[aurora.dragon]

yes... .  I need to do some healing for sure.

With my 26 year relationship with my ex H breaking up and wreaking havoc on my social life... .  the last thing I needed was to fall in love with a BPD.  He always told me I should leave him and I shouldn't be with him and that I should get out before it was too late.

I wrote him on tuesday and told him I forgave him.  That his BPD was an explanation for his behavior, not an excuse.  That I did love him and would miss him but he replaced me and I couldn't have him having sex with people every time he got mad at me.  I felt better after forgiving him.  He can't help splitting me.  And once I'm split... .  well I am dead to him, he literally psychologically murders me.

I still miss him in waves, but I think it is due to the fact I am transitioning with my life and I am a bit lonely right now.  Once I am more stable, I won't miss him.  My family lives in another city, my kids are at university... .  friends are away this week... .  so I do get lonely... .  

I have to stir my life up and make some changes... .  

[benny2]

Hi Auroro, I know exactly what you are going through, as I am going through the same. I have lived with my upwBPD and it did not work. I have tried putting him out of my life and that does not work. We have intense chemisry and I love being with him, so I continue to see him. I have tried dating others, its pointless, I only want him. I know theres no future even though he keeps telling me it will come. I think he is hoping he will be able to get it together on his own because I really think that is what they want, a normal relationship with all the trimmings, its just that they can't seem to do it. I ask myself on a daily basis if I can deal with this, and to be honest, I am not sure. Its such a hard postion to be in. To be with someone you love and not be able to tell them. I agree with patientandclear, you have to keep your feelings at bay as that tends to make them back off. We use to tell each other I love you on a daily basis. It seemed so fake on his behalf, like words just coming out of his mouth. Now this time around, we do not exchange those words, I try hard not to let my feelings for him show, no plans for the future, no demands, and this seems to work better for him. I have set my boundrys with him. I told him I can deal with the anger issues, I can walk away. The mood swings, I can ignore, but I cannot and will not deal with the lies and cheating. My friends and family think I am crazy to deal with this. They think I deserve better and they are right, but this is where I am at right now. I know he is capable of making a commitment as he has been married twice, but for reasons other than love. The first was a pregnancy, the second, I do believe money was the selling point. I have nothing to offer but love, and hes not in the market for that so will love prevail? Probably not.

[aurora.dragon]

Hi Benny

The stories are all the same.

There are so many red flags... .  mine said he lived with 7 women ... .  though I am sure some lasted a weekend... .  he was so all over the map with his time lines and his stories.

If you read my posts, you will see I felt exactly as you did that love my would not prevail and it didn't... .  He split me and replaced me in the end and now he can never come back.  During the first round, he said he loved me, but it sounded hollow and insincere... .  I asked him about it and he said, fine if you feel that way I will stop.  And he did.  He only said it to please me but it did nothing for him... .  

I understand totally how you feel - great chemistry - great sex - and great disappointment.

Actually, the only time we talked and had a good time was in bed.  He was very irritable otherwise... .  

And, he never ejaculated - even after spending all weekend in bed all the time... .  never once.  I on the other hand had multiple orgasms and had a splendid time.  Also, I was expected too... .  he said, if I wasn't responsive - he would have walked.

It is a no win situation.

If you can't be yourself and express how you feel... .  it is constant walking on eggshells... .  everything is walking on eggshells trying to avoid the inevitable axe.

Life happens and unless you stop living, you won't be able to keep him.

Mine split me when I went on vacation... .  he got all agitated... .  went on an online dating site... .  I got upset... .  he said I was controlling him.  I kept my boundary and he split and replaced me in 3 days!

That was after a year and a half roller coaster ride of friendship (sorta), sex, and splitting.

I have no idea if he is with my replacement still.

I care, but I cannot go back to him.  Not if I want to have a shred of self-respect and dignity.

I guess the Buddhist principle of accepting loss must come into play.

I am dating but only go out once with a person and I know there is no chemistry... .  

It's only been 6 weeks so as long as I continue no contact I will be fine.

And, I need to get my life turned around as I am stagnant and that can heighten missing a BPD.

It is sad how much he hates me... .  alll the gloss has rubbed off and all I get is the malignant hate.

Sometimes I swear he is 30%BPD, 35% NPD and 35% sociopath... .  he has no empathy and he really only is charming to get Narcissistic supply.

Oh well, not my problem any more.

Good luck.

I know how you are feeling.  Keep busy and keep positive.  Don't focus on him.  Focus on loving you.

[aurora.dragon]

NC - going strong!

I think about the exBPDbf acouple of times a day, but have zero desire to contact him 

I think the closure makes it so much easier - knowing their is a replacement... .  though I don't know if he is seeing her... .  I watch her twitter periodically... .  she now never mentions him and she is always posting things like. "don't let anyone put you down," "don't let anyone dim your smile"   - and has posted pics of naked men of her fb and other pictures of her alone... .  he never comments on them

It has been 7 weeks since he split me and replaced me with her.  I think they may just be friends or over prob a month ago... .  

I continue living my life... working out, having fun, keeping busy, dating.

I am the quickest red flagger ever!

I don't attract BPD or NPDs quicker than the next person - though my on edge/funny/smart personality probably attracts them... .  I just didn't tell my ex H and exBPDbf to get lost when they started their bad behavior... .  due to my parents relationship and my childhood blueprint.

I am looking for healthy, happy, sane, smart, kind and confident now... .  and will walk away from anything less.

Good luck everyone... .  

keep strong and keep on keeping on ... .  one day at a time 

[aurora.dragon]

 

NC still going strong!

Its funny - everytime he comes to mind - which he still does frequently - I get an urge to cry when I think I will never see him again.  This is a new development and I don't know where it fits in in the process of moving on and healing.  I sit with the feeling and it dissipates and I go on with whatever I am doing.

I checked his fb and he has deleted her as a friend or vise versa and I chuckled.

I have no, none, nada desire to contact him.

Now that I know he has crossed  my personal boundary and replaced me - it gives me closure.

I am very worried about what I will do should he contact me... . part of me still loves him... . but now part of me is repulsed by him... . he is not the good person I thought he was.  

I just want to stay no contact.

I strongly doubt he will contact me as he is too chicken of my rejection.

I am keeping busy and enjoying life.  Feeling confident and comfortable with NC.

As far as I am concerned he crossed my boundary being on a dating website, cheated and replaced me.

I am sure he thinks I pushed him in a corner, he broke up with me and got a new gf.  All legitimate and justified.

We shall see... .

[HarmKrakow]

NC still going strong!

Its funny - everytime he comes to mind - which he still does frequently - I get an urge to cry when I think I will never see him again.  This is a new development and I don't know where it fits in in the process of moving on and healing.  I sit with the feeling and it dissipates and I go on with whatever I am doing.

I checked his fb and he has deleted her as a friend or vise versa and I chuckled.

I have no, none, nada desire to contact him.

Now that I know he has crossed  my personal boundary and replaced me - it gives me closure.

I am very worried about what I will do should he contact me... . part of me still loves him... . but now part of me is repulsed by him... . he is not the good person I thought he was.  

I just want to stay no contact.

I strongly doubt he will contact me as he is too chicken of my rejection.

I am keeping busy and enjoying life.  Feeling confident and comfortable with NC.

As far as I am concerned he crossed my boundary being on a dating website, cheated and replaced me.

I am sure he thinks I pushed him in a corner, he broke up with me and got a new gf.  All legitimate and justified.

We shall see... .

Seriously thank you for your update because i read some positivism in it.  Something scarce here on bpdfamily, i read so much here its hard to reply on it all. I just want to wish you strength, immaculate amounts of awesome strength.

[aurora.dragon]

Thanks.

I miss him but it has been 8 weeks since Ive seen/talked/broken up with him and 3 weeks of NC.

I think the thing was he kept splitting me with no warning and it messed with my head as I thought he was a good guy.  Since I have found out the truth that he can turn off like a light switch and reengage with a complete stranger, I realize he is not special... .   our relationship is not special... .   I was just another pawn in his twisted quest for validation.  I wasn't the first and I won't be the last.

Takes the "spell" off me.

I no longer feel like crying when I think of him.

I have been visiting family for the last week out of town for easter.

I have a date or two when I get back home and will be busy with my hobbies with the nice weather approaching.

He is fading quickly in my mind but the great thing is, the relationship taught me a lot about myself... .   why I put up with nonsense from my exH and this ex BPDbf... .   narcissistic, enabling and co-dependent parents... .   my god what a crazy-making, invalidating, gaslighting, head f@ck of a childhood I had!

They should have never adopted three children... .   my sister is so messed up from them I think she has BPD traits, is immature, defensive, narcissistic and picks low-life narcissistic men... .  

My guys were at least successful... .   but the game was the same.

This is an opportunity to gain incredible insight of my core damage and heal.

I am still healing, but I am healing.

Never again.

I know my exBPD guy wont contact me as he got caught replacing me, shame, and he always told me to get out of our relationship as I was far too good and that I should never have gotten with him.

It over

[Grey Kitty]

Is your statement that it is over based on your belief that you "know" he won't contact you?

Or is it based on you being done with him and his drama?

Because I've seen waaaaaay to many threads here about being recycled multiple times when the "replacement" either dumps them or gets painted black, or whatever... .  

Either way, it is probably good to think about what you want to do if you are contacted again.

[aurora.dragon]

hi grey kitty.

I will not be contacting him.  No desire.

I miss him though.

you raise a valid point though... .   what happens if he contacts me... .  

a-if Im with someone else I will tell him I have moved on.

b - if I am not with someone else... .   good question... .   I would say... .   I would talk to him and explain he crossed my boundary.  The only reason that I kept recycling with him was because I didn't think he was with someone else... .   I didn't think I had been replaced.  now I know I have been replaced, I am repulsed by him going back and for between women.

I am not a player and I know he does this for validation.  Not my style.  Not someone I want in my life.


I am 99% sure I will never hear from him again.

I am 80% sure I will send him packing should he contact me.

He is too initmidated by me to contact me.

My replacement is attractive - 5 years younger - but is ditzy and seems like shy has a lot of physical and psychological issues.

I think they split up probably shortly after valentines day after dating for 3 weeks... .   but who knows.

I can only read fb and her blogs.

I am tired of this and just want to move on.

I will never chase someone who has cheated on me.

[aurora.dragon]

Good news!

Coming out of the FOG and I am realizing how mentally ill he was.  Poor guy sure lived in the moment to protect himself from the shame of his past.

I think he would split me, get with someone else if available, get bored of them, reengage with me once his hate for me dulled and do the whole process over again... .   ick!

I didn't think he was with anyone else or I wouldn't have recycled with him - except for the second last time he split me... .   but I thought it was just a friend, though he told me later he slept with her, but it wasn't really sex, whatever that meant... .   The last time, I saw the picture of him and my replacement on her fb page so I knew he was cheating, although, he didn't see it that way as in his mind we had broken up.  In his mind, we were always broken up before he engaged with someone else.  My problem was I didn't know we were over as he would just stop talking to me with no breaking up. very confusing and hurtful.

I know I will not hear from him.

I know I will not reengage with him - 100% even if he begs.

I am disgusted by him.

I still miss him and obviously think of him as I am posting here but I think it is just healing and also my hope that others who have gone through the ordeal of a BPD relationship will know that they too will get over this.

I still haven't found a replacement for him yet.  And once I do, my energy and focus will be on enjoying a healthy relationship with a healthy person.  Boy... .   it is hard to find the right person!

I still come off as emotionally unavailble though.  My dates say Im attractive and interesting, but I there is no chemistry and I don't feel any spark with them either... .   result of residual BPD experience?

I don't think so - Im a hygiene freak and these guys, although successful and educated, smell bad... .   so I know I am put off by that and I am sure it shows in my body language.  The exBPDbf always smelled great.

I am not worried, I know one day I will meet someone who will turn my head, look good on paper and smell great - !

Im leaving the BPD forest... .   and you will too.

Keep busy, meet people, have fun, learn something new... .   move on and start living!  You only go around once and why spend it being disrespected, unappreciated and abused.  Think more of yourself!

I'll update again.

[aurora.dragon]

Hi again... .

This is like going to confession.

So... . life was going along, bad date after bad date... . the end of May, I get an email asking if I'd like to go golfing from exBPDbf... . we emailed back and forth... . I broke no contact... . I justified it as he didnt cheat as in his mind, we broke up. And he replaced me... .

We ended up getting back together - went golfing - had fun - up until the end of July when he had to take a trip - he asked me to go with him- I said yes but I knew I wouldn't be going as he could not tolerate my presence for longer than a couple of days and then he'd get "prickly" and he'd need space... . anyways he said in the end I couldn't come as his dad wanted to go... . so no surprise... .

Then the day he was to go... . I noticed he added my replacement on his fb.  I got very angry and told him I couldn't see him anymore as it was inappropriate for her to be a fb friend when they met on an Internet dating site and dated for 2-3 weeks before it deteriorated... .

He got mad and said I jumped to conclusions and split me.

I know I jumped the gun perhaps as he always "fb friends" past engagements... . But it is crossing my boundary and it is insensitive and disrespectful to reconnect with this woman.

He is still away on his trip. I haven't been in contact for a week.

He is really mad at me.  I don't know if the woman is being recycled - he says no.  Which is probably true but I don't care. 

I'm starting to miss him but I will never contact him first and now he has lost it as he is using the dating site to meet women where has traveled to for a week and added them on fb - all 3 of them - all of them from a low sociopath-economic level... .

The last email I mentioned I saw the new fb friends and knew they were from the dating site and how disgusting I found him and asked him not to contact me again if he saw these women as he would no longer turn me on as i have lost all respect for him and that he would be a health risk.

I think this will be it as I will never see him unless he unfriends the women first and has not seen them.

He will be enraged about the conditions and refuse to meet them.  I won't concede so we will have a stand off and he won't back down.  Ill tell him he has so many "friends" he doesn't need me and I don't associate with someone who is so desperate.

Internet dating and Facebook are narcissists and BPD playgrounds of validation!

Internet gives steady supply of candidates and fb gives them a forum for maintaining connection and validation.

The missing comes in waves - yesterday was bad and it was the first bad daysinceni engaged in NC a week ago.

Bpd relationships are like ground hog day.

The behavior is so predictable I can anticipates what comes next and I don't want it.

So I will keep on keeping on.

I still dated other people during the 2 months I saw my exBPDbf as I knew the would leave again... . or do something inappropriate that would make me upset and he would split me.

It is like quitting smoking... . you slip up, get disgusted with yourself and go back to quitting... . same pangs of missing it but you know it's bad for you so you stay strong and then one day, you don't need/want it anymore... . though I'm sure you'll think about it now and again but you don't reengage even if offered.  Same difference

[yeeter]

A friend of mine said something many years ago that I still carry around to this day:

Life is a series of lessons.  If you dont learn it the first time, dont worry, you will get that lesson again.

Your learning.  Slip ups are just part of the process.  The important thing was that you relatively quickly recovered and are back on track.

[123Phoebe]

I still dated other people during the 2 months I saw my exBPDbf as I knew the would leave again... . or do something inappropriate that would make me upset and he would split me.

Hi aurora.dragon

Not that there's anything wrong with dating when there is no commitment... .  Just wondering why you feel it's okay for you to date, but not him?

[aurora.dragon]

Hi Phoebe

Im sure youve been with a person with BPD or you wouldn't be on this forum.

I have known my BPDbf for 2 years and I love him very much.

If it was up to me, he'd be my life partner and we be together always... . In a perfect world.

As it is, it is not a perfect world and the only decision I have in our relationship is to walk away.

If he doesn't get his way or if I get angry at him, he splits me.

He pushes my boundaries and although I strive to be calm and to be a "good parent" to him... . I try not to make things worse, but I don't enable him, I always work in to have my say.

However, when he does things likes reconnects with my previous replacement on facebook... . I lose my patience and get angry because I am human and I get mad and hurt and if he does insensitive and disrespectful things like that... . Ill take my chances and get split. Which I did and was... .

So, why do I date others although I am emotionally attached to my exBPDbf?  I am trying to keep emotionally distant from him as I know an untreated BPD is a bomb waiting to go off.

It is selfish and hypocritical of me but I go out once or twice and call it off as my BPD is so masculine, sexy, polite, funny, mart, sweet... . Im not interested in anyone else... . but I know he will test and push me and keep going until he hits my achilles heel... . I get upset at him and he splits me as he can't deal with his emotions.

the jury is out if he was reconnecting with my replacement or if he was trying to be friends with her as he always does that with people he idealizes, devalues and splits... . he feels bad and wants to be their friend... .

After he split me, he went away down south (another trigger of him pushing me away - him leaving... . ) a trip, he invited me on... . and I noticed he made some more facebook friends with women in the vacation area who were also on the dating site he is on that we have fought about in the past.

This relationship is so toxic now:  no trust, no exclusivity... .

I am learning and losing respect for him as these women are no where near my education, life experience and value level... . it grosses me out.  It makes me not want him any more.

I am not checking his social media and trying to just choke back the waves of missing him.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Today is a good day.

Im keeping busy and focusing on the future.

So, that is why I dated others.  I needed to distance myself.

If you dated a BPD - you would know it is a survival technique.

I thought I would never see him again after the last split... . he keeps upping the ante for me.

He sent me a scathing email saying I was stalking him and had no right to tell him who he could or could not be friends with... . all my fault, again... . no mention that he understood why I might be upset and that he was sorry for being so clueless, like a normal person... . I guess Im just so horrible!   

[letmeout]

Reading this thread made me realize how lucky I am that I did not go through a recycle with my ex! I strictly maintain no-contact to this very day, and we were married 35 years.

[aurora.dragon]

Just an update

I have not seen him since the end of July.

I believe he acted inappropriately by adding that woman on as his fb friend.  I know they aren't together- she has a new bf... .

I did stalk his fb as he had blocked me a long time ago... .but I have another account and went on and checked up on him that fateful day.

I texted him one night  mid October saying - it wasn't fair the way things happened and why did he have to go and hate me for me being upset because of the exgf on fb.  He could have talked to me about it... .

But I guess I am a terrible person and not worth talking to... .He said - "move on"

And I have been busy and having fun but when its quiet - my loneliness translates into missing him.

So Aug 1 to November 1 and I still miss him?It comes in waves - and its not like its all day.  But I do think about him and his kisses and our time together... .The whole thing makes no sense... .but then I guess I am not suppose to understand and should just stop.

Haven't been dating other people since mid october... .but was a lot from August to then.

I am starting again... .now. 

I am pretty certain he is dating a new person... .so ick... .

He was the only guy I have broke my personal rule of not getting back together after break up.  I guess because the love bombing of the honeymoon and the giving sex... .it got to me!

Keeping on keeping on... .


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