He is Constantly Surprising Me

[Depression = 72% of members]

I always feel the need to give a basic background with each new post... .  I apologize for the repetition. Basic story: I have been dating my dBPDbf for just over six months, but have known him for 20. Traumatic life events seem to have triggered the disorder several years ago but he has been in DBT therapy for a year. We do not live in the same area and are only able to see each other several times a year. I am being treated with chemo for cancer and this has been a cause of one rage and two major bouts of silent treatment, the last of which had me questioning the wisdom in staying in the relationship.

After this last silent treatment, like last time, he acknowledged his bad behavior and apologized but we really only had a brief conversation about it. Yesterday, however, while we were talking about everyday events, he surprised me by bringing it up again out of the blue (he doesn't EVER like to rehash old problems and will usually avoid doing so, getting upset if I force the issue... .  so I don't).

It went like this... .  

J: "You know, sometimes when you are stressed or upset you can be a cranky b*tch".

Me: "Um... .  well... .  all right. Is there any particular instance you're referring to?"

J: "Yeah, I'm talking about the night you told me you were losing your hair [looking back, I only told him I was losing my hair and nothing else, but I WAS crabby]. But you know, considering what's happening with you, I would expect you to be a whole lot crankier. You're handling it, and me, really well."

Me: "I appreciate you recognizing that. I'm sorry for being cranky but it makes me happy that you understand why."

J: "You know, you could be cranky every day and it wouldn't come close to what I've put you through. I wouldn't put up with it. You're a much better person than I am. You're supportive even when I'm not. I said you weren't being supportive enough but we both know that's not true. I'm afraid you're going to get tired of my crap and leave me. That's why I'm working so hard on therapy."

Me: "I'll admit that your reactions to my illness can be difficult to deal with. But, I told you that as long as you stayed with therapy and kept trying, I would stick with you. You're trying very hard and I'm proud of you."

J: "I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I know how hard it must be for you and I know you have every reason to be cranky because I get cranky if I have something as small as a cold, but even though I try to be supportive of you, I just don't want to deal with it and that makes me even more mad because I know how selfish that is. I hope you know that when I stop talking to you for a little while, it's probably because I feel like I'm about to have an episode like before and I'm trying to protect you from it. Not because I don't love you. I'm glad you're proud of me. I DO love you, you know, and I appreciate how patient you are when I need a few days of not talking to balance back out."

I see him improving in leaps and bounds. We obviously still have some issues, but it seems like he becomes more aware of his behavior with each one and he's come soo far from where he started (when he began DBT a year ago). He hasn't mentioned suicide in a long while, and hasn't had a serious bout of depression in over a month (they used to come every couple of weeks). Am I naive to be hopeful? Is it possible that the BPD could continue to improve until it ceases to be much of an issue? Will he have to stick with therapy his whole life or is it possible that he will be able to stop at some point without backsliding? When he's loving and rational like that, it's easy to forget the bad stuff and enjoy the good... .  I only hope this doesn't turn out to be my Achilles heel. Has anyone's pwBPD stopped having BPD?

[kl315]

I always feel the need to give a basic background with each new post... .  I apologize for the repetition. Basic story: I have been dating my dBPDbf for just over six months, but have known him for 20. Traumatic life events seem to have triggered the disorder several years ago but he has been in DBT therapy for a year. We do not live in the same area and are only able to see each other several times a year. I am being treated with chemo for cancer and this has been a cause of one rage and two major bouts of silent treatment, the last of which had me questioning the wisdom in staying in the relationship.

After this last silent treatment, like last time, he acknowledged his bad behavior and apologized but we really only had a brief conversation about it. Yesterday, however, while we were talking about everyday events, he surprised me by bringing it up again out of the blue (he doesn't EVER like to rehash old problems and will usually avoid doing so, getting upset if I force the issue... .  so I don't).

It went like this... .  

J: "You know, sometimes when you are stressed or upset you can be a cranky b*tch".

Me: "Um... .  well... .  all right. Is there any particular instance you're referring to?"

J: "Yeah, I'm talking about the night you told me you were losing your hair [looking back, I only told him I was losing my hair and nothing else, but I WAS crabby]. But you know, considering what's happening with you, I would expect you to be a whole lot crankier. You're handling it, and me, really well."

Me: "I appreciate you recognizing that. I'm sorry for being cranky but it makes me happy that you understand why."

J: "You know, you could be cranky every day and it wouldn't come close to what I've put you through. I wouldn't put up with it. You're a much better person than I am. You're supportive even when I'm not. I said you weren't being supportive enough but we both know that's not true. I'm afraid you're going to get tired of my crap and leave me. That's why I'm working so hard on therapy."

Me: "I'll admit that your reactions to my illness can be difficult to deal with. But, I told you that as long as you stayed with therapy and kept trying, I would stick with you. You're trying very hard and I'm proud of you."

J: "I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I know how hard it must be for you and I know you have every reason to be cranky because I get cranky if I have something as small as a cold, but even though I try to be supportive of you, I just don't want to deal with it and that makes me even more mad because I know how selfish that is. I hope you know that when I stop talking to you for a little while, it's probably because I feel like I'm about to have an episode like before and I'm trying to protect you from it. Not because I don't love you. I'm glad you're proud of me. I DO love you, you know, and I appreciate how patient you are when I need a few days of not talking to balance back out."

I see him improving in leaps and bounds. We obviously still have some issues, but it seems like he becomes more aware of his behavior with each one and he's come soo far from where he started (when he began DBT a year ago). He hasn't mentioned suicide in a long while, and hasn't had a serious bout of depression in over a month (they used to come every couple of weeks). Am I naive to be hopeful? Is it possible that the BPD could continue to improve until it ceases to be much of an issue? Will he have to stick with therapy his whole life or is it possible that he will be able to stop at some point without backsliding? When he's loving and rational like that, it's easy to forget the bad stuff and enjoy the good... .  I only hope this doesn't turn out to be my Achilles heel. Has anyone's pwBPD stopped having BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I don't know if someone with BPD stops having BPD, but certainly symptoms can subside with therapy and perhaps medication, but surely a will to make a change plays a part.  It sounds like your man is really trying.  I don't know that for sure... .  it just sounds that he is recognizing that his behavior is bad... .  and that's good.  I hope it works out for you!

[Seahorse1]

Great news!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I don't think BPD ever goes away entirely, but maybe the symptoms can diminish with therapy?  At any rate, I'm glad he's communicating with you, positive or negative communication is a heckuva lot better than none!

[elemental]

Happy to hear it's going well Kl! 

[patientandclear]

I love this post.  But I don't think this is exactly a story of BPD behaviors going away -- they're still there -- heck, he sent you "It Ain't Me Babe" and then projected all over you about how you were a roller coaster who wasn't there for him.  It's BPD all over the place.  It's just that he understands it better and you understand it better, so your decoder rings are functioning & you don't do any extra damage.  That's an extraordinary accomplishment on both your parts.

Cheers! 

[kl315]

I agree with you Patient and I think this is probably the best we can hope for at this point. I have no delusions that we are free from more "episodes in the future... .  I'm just hesitantly hopeful for the future.

[patientandclear]

I agree with you Patient and I think this is probably the best we can hope for at this point. I have no delusions that we are free from more "episodes in the future... .  I'm just hesitantly hopeful for the future.

I totally think you should be.  I think in some ways it's an even bigger deal to be hopeful given the realities I cited above, than hopeful about some future in which all of the troubles that plague your partner go away completely.  You are loving the real him and the real him is loving  you back.  That's a big, big deal.  I am so rooting for you guys!

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for posting this.  This was a good thing for me to read. 

I loved what Patient said about being hopeful and him loving you back. 

[kl315]

Oh my goodness he shaved his head. I just received a picture of him with the message, "So you don't feel so alone."

I'm ever watchful for the next crash, but am so grateful for this current peak. I'd write more but it's difficult after the heart attack I just had!

[CodependentHusband]

I agree with Patient on this as well... .  He seems to be devaluing himself... .  Seems to also be insecure about you leaving him. Still, it's very good that he's able to verbalize his fears about this, as opposed to just flying off the handle.

Blows my mind that he shaved his head! Wow! That's pretty amazing, BPD or not! Do be cautious of the next crash though... .  I agree with that too!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Oh my goodness he shaved his head. I just received a picture of him with the message, "So you don't feel so alone."

Farrr Out!    Way cool!