Trash talking me... tired of it

[atcrossroads]

Hi all,

My uBPDh and I work together and have lots of mutual acquaintances and colleagues that we've shared over the past 12 years or so.  I have a good support system, lots of friends, family who know the situation and are sad but support me leaving him - he has far fewer friends and support in general.

Most of his outside work buddies smoke pot with him and have music as common bond - his work friends tend to be the grouchy, negative, cynical sorts - they flock together, I guess and gripe about everything.  Anyway, I have found out over the years and have found evidence lately that he's saying things to people here and there to disparage me.  I wouldn't call it  a smear campaign but am worried it could turn into that when we actually divorce or as it approaches (will be separated 6 months and can separate in April).  It's very discouraging, and I don't want to smear him and say, "well, take it with a grain of salt because he has a pd." 

He's told his music buddies they can't practice here until after 2 pm which is when I wake up!  BS.  We have no kids and both sleep late on weekends, 12 being the outside latest for me after a night of insomnia.  I was up around 10 or so on Saturday and he slept until past 12.  He constantly tries to make me look bad  in small ways, with little digs.  And, he has been doing this for the last 3 -4 years (I guess that's when I began to be painted black).  Digs ranging from how I do my job to criticism of all of my friends (many of whom I go back 30+ years with).  I know he makes me out to be a lazy, slovenly, nagging shrew to his friends.  And part of me just can't stand to think he is saying this kind of crap to people we work with. 

He had a breakdown last year and missed a lot of work, so some of our colleagues, I think, see him as rather unstable and certainly highly reactive, but still - I don't like my reputation slammed, and some people believe and gossip whatever they hear.

Does anyone have advice on how I can defend myself, especially if it escalates over the next 3-5 months until we are divorced (we still currently live together in a shared mortgage situation).

I want to just "let it go" and not care or hope that people won't believe whatever he may say about me, but it still hurts, and it's hard to be painted black.  I truly wish we didn't work together and hope he will leave after we divorce (doubt that will happen).

Such a frustrating experience!

Oh yeah, and he just got back from his 2x monthly 2hr drive to buy very expensive pot which he smokes in tremendous quantities.  I know I'm getting stronger because my positive memories are fading, and I'm getting angrier.  Maybe that is a good thing.

Thanks for reading.   

[seeking balance]

Well... .  what kind of advice do you really want?

Do you need to vent or do you want to focus on solutions?

[atcrossroads]

I most definitely needed to vent, and I'd also like advice -- I'm sure that was buried in my vent, and I'm not even sure what I want or need... .  just confused, stressed, tired, hurt.

Let me try... .  how do I handle the situation of him dissing me to mutual acquaintances and colleagues.  Let it go?  Address it?  If so, what would be an appropriate way to defend myself without creating WWIII with him while living under same roof?  I am planning to maintain my personal dignity and take the high road as we go through this process the next few months, but I can't help being upset at the disparagements.  Am I being petty to feel that way?

I know I'm rambling and having a hard time formulating my questions ... .  I'm overwhelmed right now and beginning to feel uncomfortable at work now when I see certain folks with whom he works on a close basis (I have worked there for 20 years). 

Does anyone else work with spouse (soon to be ex spouse) and understand how I'm feeling?

Thanks and sorry so rambling.

[GreenMango]

ATR its hard to pull out of conflict.  The smears and the "those will get her" moves really do suck.  You mentioned being in the middle of divorce proceedings. 

Have you checked out the legal board?  It may help battening down reading the recommended books and the senior member advice over there is primarily focused on functional detachment and how to do it.  The funny thing is once you start doing that it may nudge the emotional detachment.

If it was me I would be logging all the illegal stuff down too and making sure my side of.the street was clean.

[Blazing Star]

Hi ATR,

It sounds like a frustrating situation!

I think its great you plan on taking the high road. How would someone taking the high road deal with this situation do you think?

When you say address it, do you mean to him? Or to the friends?

I can't think of how/what you could say to him that is going to help, or be something that he would 'hear'.

For me, if I were in your shoes, I would let slide much of it, and remind myself that many people would be able to see his comments for what they really are. If there were people who I felt concerned about (mutual colleagues, friends etc who I thought were listening/believing rather than nodding and smiling), then I might think about being brave and approaching them and be as frank and honest as I could be "You know we are going through a separation right now, I am feeling concerned that you might be hearing things that will change the way you feel towards me. I really want everything to remain comfortable between us, and I hope if you have any issues with me you will come to me yourself".

... .  or something along those lines, but actually while writing that it felt weird and unnecessary, because I would like to hope that people would make up their own minds about me, or really not care if they were told that I was lazy, naggy if it didn't match their experience of me! And if it did and they didn't want to be my friend because of that. Well, that says a lot!

I understand your frustration, but I am wondering how it would feel to really let it go, and trust that others will make up their own minds about you, and if they don't then perhaps you don't want them in your social circle anyway? Keep holding your head high, let your true colours shine, and don't worry about it.

Rememher that you are in the middle of this all, the more steps you take towards a life without him, the easier it will be. So be gentle on yourself in this time!

You know what you value and what you don't, and that is all that matters, really the only person who needs to be concerned about what you are and aren't is YOU.

Love Blazing Star

[atcrossroads]

Thank you all for the responses; they give me much food for thought!

I want to write a longer response and answer all your questions, however I am running on fumes and am taking an ambien and heading to bed.  I've had several nights in a row of 4-5 hours sleep.  Too much ruminating!

I will respond more tomorrow.  

Oh, I will add quickly that I had an epiphany while talking to my therapist today - I do NOT want to be married to a drug addict in his 40s with a 500 dollar a month habit.  BOUNDARIES!  Hello!  

Yes, we are heading to divorce (this spring or summer most likely), but I have been having super mixed feelings and been incredibly depressed. 

He has so many good qualities that have kept me in (funny, hardworking, affectionate, brilliant, interesting, talented),  but I am beginning to wake up to how much I "ignored" over the years - he has been very good to me in many, many ways  - loving (unless I am delusional) - but the fights have been horrid and he can be so mean and irrational.  A conflict is never resolved... .  things are pushed under the rug only to be brought up again even years later.  Yes, I said for first time today (I think) that he is a high-functioning drug addict.  I am squeaky clean and would pass any kind of test today.  I guess I should start writing down some of his transactions and what not.  However, we have no kids so will get a no fault divorce, so I don't think I'll need this kind of evidence.  

Maybe I am still naive... .  

Thank you all!   More tomorrow... .