Aha moment - turning the focus to you

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

What changed for you in your aha moment?

I think for me, it was realising that a diagnosis of BPD was now almost irrelevant.

I had spent such a long time with my thoughts swirling around inside my head on a never ending loop... .  wondering how she could have discarded me so easily, how she could have rejected me like that. Was it me? Was she unwell? Did she love me? Did I really love her? Is she really a pwBPD? What if I am?

It has taken time, but allowing myself to grieve and go through that pain - at the same time as pushing forward with my life and not wallowing too much - has allowed me to get to the other side.

It was understanding and accepting that, no matter what, she would never be able to give me the relationship I want or need. The fact that she is totally incapable of a healthy adult relationship, and that her behaviours were unacceptable to me, has allowed me to let go of this fantasy and move on. I know I want more from a relationship than she can give. Honesty and respect are my criteria. So, regardless of the diagnosis, she doesn't fit that criteria. She wasn't honest and she didn't treat me with respect or kindness. That's the deal-breaker.

My a-ha moment has also led to me really starting to believe my self-worth. I am determined to stop beating myself up for any longer. I am in the process of getting emotionally healthy and building up my self-respect. That's a real gift in all this.

[Seb]

What changed for you in your aha moment?

I think for me, it was realising that a diagnosis of BPD was now almost irrelevant.

I had spent such a long time with my thoughts swirling around inside my head on a never ending loop... .  wondering how she could have discarded me so easily, how she could have rejected me like that. Was it me? Was she unwell? Did she love me? Did I really love her? Is she really a pwBPD? What if I am?

It has taken time, but allowing myself to grieve and go through that pain - at the same time as pushing forward with my life and not wallowing too much - has allowed me to get to the other side.

It was understanding and accepting that, no matter what, she would never be able to give me the relationship I want or need. The fact that she is totally incapable of a healthy adult relationship, and that her behaviours were unacceptable to me, has allowed me to let go of this fantasy and move on. I know I want more from a relationship than she can give. Honesty and respect are my criteria. So, regardless of the diagnosis, she doesn't fit that criteria. She wasn't honest and she didn't treat me with respect or kindness. That's the deal-breaker.

My a-ha moment has also led to me really starting to believe my self-worth. I am determined to stop beating myself up for any longer. I am in the process of getting emotionally healthy and building up my self-respect. That's a real gift in all this.

[Seb]

Charred - Eckart Tolle has been a huge influence & help to me as well  

Seb - thanks for expressing so well what I think many of us feel - for me, now - I doubt that I will ever want to be in another relationship but hopefully that might change one day.

My aha was when I realised that on every occasion that I had given him the benefit of the doubt - & therefore discounted my own perceptions, didnt have any concept of my own needs & boundaries & completely disregarded my own feelings (to the extent that I even allowed myself to be aware of them) - I was wrong. Wrong in believing his version of "the facts" (because I wanted to so badly) & wrong to care so little for myself

Wooddragon, you're welcome. I know this isn't much consolation right now, but give it time, it does get better. I promise. You can't imagine wanting to date anyone now, and that's fine. Take some time to work on you. Be kind to yourself, take time to look after you. Build your confidence - tell yourself how strong you are every day, remind yourself of all your amazing qualities, and how lucky people are to have someone so kind and giving in ther life... .  even if you have to fake it for a while. With enough time, and patience with yourself, you'll get there. You will want to date in a bit... .  and I'm pretty sure you'll know for certain what you want, and what you don't want from a partner. When you truly believe your self-worth then you wont attract needy and self-destructive people. You'll attract healthy people who respect you, with the ability to reciprocate and give you love and care back. I couldn't see an end in sight at times, but I promise you'll get there if you focus all your love and care on you. You are more than worth it <3

[maria1]

As I looked away from the relationship for the first time I wanted to get back to me. It felt positive, even amongst all the pain of even imagining turning away from him. I was calling to myself, and I started walking toward me. I've still not quite got there but I'm trying.

[TeaAmongRoses]

I definitely relate to two responses her: the trying to uncover my own issues (codepndency) AND having to deal with my own serious emotional pain. That went on for years and I seemed to mostly be getting worse. Until someone helped me understand that until I started prioritizing my needs and find a partner to support me, I was going to languish. So I had to go against my nature and really start putting my needs ahead of others to heal. I started to feel happy but I also felt guilty and selfish! But I kept doing it for my own survival and healing (under guidance of a T) and eventually one day I started to believe I have a right to meet my needs as much as anyone else. Still, as recently as a month ago I still felt lousy. Then I pursed a support group online for hsps with NPD parents and it again helped get me out of the cycle of shame feelings that seem to come from just living. Since I've been more acceping of myself since then, and again more nurturing to myself (and more selfish) the happiness has again returned. I guess for me the key is having others give me permission/encouragement to care for myself has been the best thing for me.

[FindingMe2011]

Part 2 - so, we had our AHA moment or moments - now what did we change about ourselves from that?

To put my well being first. To listen a little closer to what others are telling me, when i get a   moment. To make sure that the ones closest to me, are responsible for their words and actions. Removal of false beliefs that I could see were not benefiting my well being.To make a consistent effort to improve my mental health, and shift if I see something different. Im sure there are many more, and more to come.

What changed for you in your aha moment?

At that very moment, not a whole lot. Maybe a little validation, that there was actually names associated with the madness I had been experiencing. That a severe mental disorder could be hidden. The feeling that I had finally figured out, the million dollar question. And then shortly thereafter... .  there was nothing I could have done to correct it, in the first place.  

[bb12]

Part 2 - so, we had our AHA moment or moments - now what did we change about ourselves from that?[/

I looked beyond this r/s and knew at a deep level that I had chosen badly my whole life.

I sought professional help to understand my addiction to someone I knew on a logical level I didn't even like. I came to understand the power of thinking emotionally and not just rationally or intellectually.

It did take radical acceptance and magical thinking to understand how serious my own codependency and "other directed" mindset were. So I am more conscious of my feelings I guess... .  And I apply more caution to my words and actions. I am killing off inappropriate or obsolete coping mechanisms I have unconsciously been using since childhood.

I self-medicate less and allow myself to think about what I want in any given situation... .  And banish any guilt associated with that

Self love is radical! Who'd have thought... .  



Bb12

[myself]

Part 2 - so, we had our AHA moment or moments - now what did we change about ourselves from that?

I went from having my boundaries disregarded, by both of us, to having them just be disregarded by her. And got better at deflecting when she's overstepped them. I'm much more calm about it now. I see the bigger picture better. It's kept me from recycling recently. She keeps trying but without real change on her end it's just never going to work. That's something I've changed, growing forwards instead of leaning backwards.

[Wimowe]

What was your aha moment where you realized you couldn't change them but you could change you?

My aha! moment was really succession of aha!s:

~ When I found myself in toxic emotional states such as intense jealousy and obsession  (My T of 15y said she had never seen me in such a state!) and behaving in ways that didn't reflect the person I want to be.

~ When I started to own my passive-aggressive, controlling behavior.

~ When I owned my masochism, self-deprivation, and aggrieved victimhood.  I set my intention to practice self-love.  Tolerating her bad behavior and shabby treatment of me wasn't self-love or self-respect.  I started compassionately asking myself why I persisted in such a wounding, painful, thankless relationship.

~ When I started to own my paradoxical fear of/need for abandonment.  I hadn't been willing to risk losing the relationship by setting boundaries.  I saw that, by failing to do so, I was enabling (and probably triggering) her, thereby damaging the relationship.  I also started, inartfully and inconsistently at first, to set boundaries.

~ When I perceived the addictive quality of the relationship.

~ When I saw that I was selectively interpreting her words and behavior to accord with my hopes of being love/life partners with her. When I finally accepted that the majority of her actions signaled that she didn't want to be with me.

~ When I started deciding whether to see or contact her one day at a time.

~ When I started to practice mindfulness of how I actually felt being with her a lot of the time.

~ When I got validation that healthy attachment needs are normal in emotionally committed relationships.

~ When I started heeding my instincts and intuition.

[Phoenix.Rising]

What am I changing about myself?

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of how I feel.  I started seeing a therapist.  I attend 12-Step meetings.  I have a spiritual practice.  I read literature related to BPD, codependency, etc.  I have a couple of close friends I check-in with on a regular basis.  I refrain from alcohol.  I exercise.  I journal.  I tell myself that I am worthy.  I read and post on these boards. 

I remind myself that she is ultimately trouble for me, and when I start romanticizing the good times, I shift my thinking towards the hell I experienced.  I don't do any of this perfectly, but these tools do help if I use them. 

[FoolishOne]

The Foolish One has "Aha moments" on a regular basis... .  I am hopeful at some point they will sink in.  I can relate to your self-doubt totally.  I felt I was a well0grounded, emotionally-stable individual... .  after a few years with dBPDw, I was doubting my very sanity and was thinking, after reseaching BPD, that I was the one with it. 

[angel123]

This one's easy because it just happened... .  being blocked from calling on Xmas because I was irritated that he left me at a bar when we went out. Apparently some guy looked at me and that meant I must have had sex with him in the past so he left me sitting there alone. Then the same thing went down for New Years. THEN (oh yea, there's more) he claimed he was sick and he went to urgent care the night before (LIE) and when I went to check on him the next day, he got so angry when I told him he should start taking his antibiotics that he snapped, jumped out of bed and screamed at me to get out of his house and I was his problem. Now, this came after days of him begging me to talk to him and professing his undying love. Um, ok crazy man I'll go but not until I grabbed his cell phone and saw a bunch of texts to drug dealers which meant he relapsed.

No thanks. That's enough torture for two weeks for any one person to handle.

[Wimowe]

Part 2 - so, we had our AHA moment or moments - now what did we change about ourselves from that?

Started doing an Al-Anon Fourth Step on the relationship.  Owned my failures and mistakes in the relationship.  Worked other tools of the program, including the telephone, meetings, and prayer.

Cultivated self-love and self-care. 

Accepted that I was asking for things she was unable to give.

Became willing to access the wounded parts of myself that compelled me to remain in a painful, abusive relationship and for those wounds to be healed.

Became willing to face some of my deepest fears.