Won't Say I Love You

[Depression = 72% of members]

Since our blowout over "My Biggest Problem" the week before Christmas, my wife has refused to say she loves me.  I end every phone call as usual with, "I love you." She just replies, "no you don't" and then hangs up.  When she leaves for work, I say "I love you."  Again, she says "no you don't."  At bedtime, "I love you."  "No you don't."  It drains me.  I have not been feeling well for quite awhile and was really feeling bad last night, so when I got my "no you don't" reply.  I said, "please just say you love me, even if you don't think I love you, because I need to hear someone say it." 

Her reply was another of those "slap in the face" moments where I really get insight into what it must be like from her perspective.  She said (direct quote), "it doesn't do me any good to love you."  Geez, I thought the reason you love someone is because you care about them, not yourself.  I guess this just isn't the case for a pwBPD. 

[downandin]

Since our blowout over "My Biggest Problem" the week before Christmas, my wife has refused to say she loves me.  I end every phone call as usual with, "I love you." She just replies, "no you don't" and then hangs up.  When she leaves for work, I say "I love you."  Again, she says "no you don't."  At bedtime, "I love you."  "No you don't."  It drains me.  I have not been feeling well for quite awhile and was really feeling bad last night, so when I got my "no you don't" reply.  I said, "please just say you love me, even if you don't think I love you, because I need to hear someone say it." 

Her reply was another of those "slap in the face" moments where I really get insight into what it must be like from her perspective.  She said (direct quote), "it doesn't do me any good to love you."  Geez, I thought the reason you love someone is because you care about them, not yourself.  I guess this just isn't the case for a pwBPD. 

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[elemental]

BPD will get into a battle of wills with you over things you are pressuring them for.

Do you *really* think she does not love you?

If it is your typical action to tell her that you love her, then continue doing it. Demanding that she say it back and then arguing with her will only get you resistence and something that means a lot to you being used as a tool to whack you around.

Think about wether you want to make the words I love you into an instrument of pain between you.

I personally feel it would be best to let this go with her because you cannot control, bully, shame or manipulate her into doing it. She is going to make you pay for it.

[j4c]

To hear a pwBPD say 'it doesnt do me any good to love you' makes perfect sense because it is ALL about them!

[downandin]

BPD will get into a battle of wills with you over things you are pressuring them for.

Do you *really* think she does not love you?

If it is your typical action to tell her that you love her, then continue doing it. Demanding that she say it back and then arguing with her will only get you resistence and something that means a lot to you being used as a tool to whack you around.

Think about wether you want to make the words I love you into an instrument of pain between you.

I personally feel it would be best to let this go with her because you cannot control, bully, shame or manipulate her into doing it. She is going to make you pay for it.

I have absoluetely no intention of arguing with her about this.  Last night was just a vulnerable moment for me, because I felt really bad.  You know, this is the hardest thing about trying to make things work.  There are times when I really do need things like just hearing those words last night.  My needs will always be secondary to hers, though, I know.  To he** with me, I just have to validate her to keep the peace.

[elemental]

Hey... .  it's more about how things get communicated. You sound pretty raw. 

[CodependentHusband]

I've been through the exact same thing with my dBPDw concerning "I love you's", and, for what it is worth, I offer some different advice.

For a while when things were particularly bad between us, it got to the point where not only was she almost never telling me that she loves me, but to hear me tell her that I loved her actually triggered her. Based on my experience, and some advice I got from some others here at the time, I'm not sure that simply going along with telling her, "I love you" as frequently as you normally do is the best approach. Why was it triggering her? It was suggested to me (and I believe it) that telling her "I love you" is invalidating. When a pwBPD doesn't feel loved, and we tell them that we do, it makes them feel like they can't trust how they feel, because we are telling them otherwise.

I understand you wanting her to know that you love her. I know it hurts your feelings to have your love rejected by her like this. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to convince them that they are loved when they are in a period of dysregulation. I stopped telling my wife I love her for a while... .  I tried to SHOW her that I love her by continuing to do things for her as always, but, even at that, I didn't keep giving to the point that I expected anything in return... .  no so much as a thank you. After the period of dysregulation finally passed, she started telling me again that she loves me. If you can get some emotional distance from her, I promise that it will help. Try to do this in a way that doesn't include your feeling resentful of her (very tricky, especially right now, I know!) Distancing yourself emotionally and fighting the feelings of resentment we have for a pwBPD actually allows us to make them feel MORE loved, because they can see that we are more consistently positive. Yes, I miss basking in her adoration of me, but if you view that as also just another symptom of the illness, it gives you a new way of looking at things... .  a more accurate way, in my opinion.

[downandin]

Hey... .  it's more about how things get communicated. You sound pretty raw. 

It is just really frustrating.  I sometimes feel like I'm on one of those dark roller coasters like Space Mountain.  You know the ups and downs are coming, you just can't see when.

The "no you don't" thing is really getting to me, because I am such a vocal person about love.  I love to say it to someone I love, and I love to hear it.  I don't just say it because I think I have to.  I really mean it. 

[Cloudy Days]

I've experienced something similar to this. When I would say I love you, my husband would say, I hope you do, or he would ask me, "do you?". I would simply say "yes I do". Sometimes he says I love you  back, sometimes he would just hang up.  

My suggestion would be to Validate her feelings. When she says "no you don't" could you ask her why she feels that way.

" I hear that you think/feel that I don't love you. May I ask what makes you think/feel that way?"

Then try to Validate why she feels that way.

[CodependentHusband]

My needs will always be secondary to hers, though, I know.  To he** with me, I just have to validate her to keep the peace.

I'm sorry... .  I know this hurts like hell right now. Reminding yourself that she is mentally ill when you are hurting emotionally may help you stave off feeling resentment for her. It did for me. I know that there is still a hole there that this won't fill. Do you have some close friends and family that you can talk to? I'm not suggesting that you necessarily confide in them about specifically what is going on, because they are not likely to truly understand the BPD situation at a level that is necessary in order to be really helpful. Being told by your family and friends, "you should leave her," when she has a mental illness is pretty common, and, in my opinion, doesn't really help. Try to interact with friends and family in a positive way. This will hopefully help you get some of your needs met that your wife is unable to meet. Yeah... .  I know... .  it's not the same thing as being emotionally supported by your spouse, and it won't have an immediate pay off to you, but if you are consistent in reconnecting with friends and family, it will likely have you feeling much better in the coming weeks. I know it helped me a lot.

Hope this helps. I'm sorry this is so painful. You are not alone, and the road will become smoother later on, I promise you that.

[downandin]

You are so right about everything, I know.  I do have a very close friend, but we don't get to talk much.  His ex-wife also had traits of a personality disorder (more NPD, I would say).  So, he does understand.  Unfortunately, since he did leave her, that is what he thinks I should do.  Mine is a much more complicated situation.  I have my stepchildren (he had biological children).  I also still love my wife immensely.  Thanks to his wife's infidelity, his love for her was gone.  My wife is also a really good person deep down inside.  She suffers from intense scars that I know are the root of her problems.  Her mother committed suicide when she was an adolescent.  I can see so much of the beauty that is in my wife's soul, but it is covered in this shroud of a disorder.  I do hope, as you say, "the road will become smoother."  I keep holding on to this hope, and that is what keeps me going.

[CodependentHusband]

Yep... Your situation is strikingly similar to mine. I've been following your posts for a while now. If you can work on trying to disengage without feeling resentment, you will be amazed at the effects. It won't ever be perfect unless she gets into treatment, but you can get to a point where you can deal with it without having it destroy you. I still miss that intense kind of love sometimes, but it has been replaced by a lot less chaos around the house.