Physical violence & BPD

[Foreverhopefull]

I need to get this off my chest because I've been reading a few post that talk about physical violence being part of BPD like peas in a pod. That is not true.

Yes, our SO can get violent in extreme rage, but it's still not OK. It's never OK... .  under any circumstances. The first thing that we should never forget is to stay safe.

I work on a daily basis with family violence, I've seen and heard it all. Sometimes I can almost feel the force used to leave such marks.

I'm no idiot, sometimes their rage is so explosive and sudden that we don't get out before the first hit or it comes with absolutely no warning. That doesn't mean it's OK or it's part of BPD.

The only time my husband hit me, it came to a total surprise to me. I was on the second floor of out house working in the office and he was watching TV in the basement. Something really bothered him from a previous discussion and it just started boiling over in his mind. He went up 2 stories and grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up. I could clearly see that he had totally lost control, I yelled as much as I could to try and snap him out of it. Lucky for me it worked, the minute he released me I bolted out of the house and called the cops. I hated myself to be calling the cops on his, but my safety came first.

Did I forgive him? Yes. Why? Because since then he is fully engaged in his therapy and being sober. Because he continues to show me that he regrets this, even if he has no recollection of how it happened (he only remembers the moment I yelled while he was choking me and parts of me running out of the house and talking to the cops) Did I press charges? No. The cops even agreed that it wasn't necessary (he had calmed down and had agreed to go to the hospital to take care of his cuts).

Did I dismissed it to being BPD? No, violence towards themselves is, not violence onto others.

How do with deal with bouts of anger... .  before it escalates? We agreed that if we are angry or just not feeling "stable", we tell the other that we want to be alone and the other respects that fully. So when he's angry, he tells me that he wants to be alone and I respect that by either not be in the same room (lucky for us he has created himself a save haven in the basement) or even leave the house when I fear he is angrier than he say he is.

It's been almost 6 years since that episode, I forgave him but he hasn't. He still works hard that it never happens again.

So please never dismiss physical violence as being part of BPD.

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[Seahorse1]

Thank you so much for this post... .  

It's so hard to not get carried away with the negativity that often comes up on this board and assume every one is the same... .  

In a period of one year my ex has got physical with me three times... .  Basically using force to restrain me against my will... .  

The last and most severe time was Christmas Eve... .  

I have been in a physically abusive relationship where the violence was consistant and more severe so it's something very sensitive to me... .  

I'm currently deciding whether to reconcile with my ex but this is Definately a boundary that I will not compromise on... .  

The violence happened on occasions where I asked him to leave and also provoked him ( I'm only human)

I want to believe he will never do this again.

I spoke to his ex wife once and she said in ten years he never laid a hand on her and she was never afraid of him... .  

[united for now]

DV is never "OK"

It hurts more than the flesh  :'(

Having a good support system is critical, since it can get worse if not handled properly. The threat (or reality) of being left (abandoned) can make an unstable person really lose it. So safety first is critical.

We have an excellent "safety first" resource that includes links to phone support for local and national. If you have experienced DV please take the time to review it and make the call for live support. No one has to suffer being hurt in the name of love... .  

[SeekerofTruth]

I'm still in a sorta surreal disbelief that my BPDw went off on me physcially twice, including spitting in my face.  One incident occurred on the eve of our anniversary.  The 2nd occurred a few weeks later, after a long day spent out of town at her FOO-helping her mother (the one whom she hates, whom she gave a black eye to when she was 13, the one who failed not only to protect her from inappropriate sexual remarks made older men, but appeared to condone it) move out of her location and relocate closer.  The following week, when I confronted her in MC about telling her it was unacceptable, by the end of that week she called informing that she was intending to file for divorce.  She subsequently moved out one week later.

My sense is she does not really feel genuine remorse.  My belief is she feels is was justified and warranted because I provoked it.  At least with the last incident she did explain, that she was a "child desparately pleading for emotional space", I had no idea i thought i was attempting to be assertive with my wife that indeed she insulted me and she wasn't necessarily going to get the last word in. (it occured while driving in the car. me driving- she in the backseat.  She insulted me with a condescending remark and I attempted to respond with a clarification statement and a rei-iteration that what she said was indeed an insult.  However, i could not complete the sentence because she kept interrupting me.  Well, me driving eyes on the road, continued like a broken record (stubborn) i believe what she said was an insult her continuing to escalate verbally with intensity until all hell sort of broke loose and she just started in with a flurry of punches and scrathes to the top of my head, shoulders, and side of my body.  I pulled over... .  said calmly, that was inappropriate and continued to deal with more irateness as we finished our drive a few minutes to home.  A few days later, while cuddling and processing the events that had occurred, that was when she told it was child that was pleading with me.  I told her i did not know, but now that i do we'll have to work on it, and I'll try to be gentler, but at the same time as an adult i do need to be assertive with her.  She also said after stating that was her inner child speaking... .  in a very calm voice after moments of silence "i will kill you" 2 x in a flat tone of voice.  I did not say anything, but got the message.  Again, when confronted about it in therapy, she had no remorse initially, then after a press by the T indicated she was sorry but that i had provoked her (justification).

For me, it's unfinished business in the back of my mind.  However, when she called and told me she wanted a divorce that one of the reasons being for "safety" for her and as well as me, i said okay.  But i don't like in MC, it seems like every session we kind of go onto to something else.  With T kinda being gamed along (I'm starting to think).

[Rockylove]

I've thought so much about this very thing.  I know that his anger and rage is explosive and only once did I feel genuine fear, but I expressed that.  His response has never been to apologize~~I don't expect him to for whatever reason... .  mostly because I know he's just plain embarrassed by his "losing it" behavior.  He has been remorseful in his own way.  I understand that and accept it.  He's never come close to hitting me and he knows that if he EVER laid a hand on me in anger, it would be the end but I'm not naive enough to think that it couldn't happen.  He's been forewarned though... .  and should he ever lose control and strike me, I WILL FORGIVE FROM A DISTANCE. 

[united for now]

Arguments in a car can be the worst since both people feel sort of "trapped" which increases the tension and the defensiveness of each. Scary indeed 

Once the line is crossed on DV it becomes easier for it to happen "the next time". The make up cycle afterwards brings some peace, but because of the lack of consequences for the DV there is a greater probability it will recur when she feels cornered, unheard, disrespected, or fears losing you.

While I'm glad she is willing to see a MC, getting her to admit her guilt likely won't happen there. She needs some individual counseling to help her see how her behavior hurts those she cares about. So essentially you can't count on her to have the ability to not attack you again. As unfair as it is, the burden here is going to be on you to stay safe.

As a man there is a big danger of being falsely accused yourself. Finding out how your locale deals with DV is critical, and your local DV hotline is a great resource to find this out. Stopping by the police station for some info (and suggestions on how to protect yourself legally) is also a wise idea.

Stick around. You aren't alone anymore... .