New here... Question?

[Eeoye1]

I am not sure how far I want to delve into my situation in my first post, but I will give an overview and how I got here.  It seems I have suffered from depression my whole life.  I am 40, and have been in and out of treatment for years.  I have researched mental illness quite a bit because of this and have a pretty decent laymans understanding of mental illness.  Pathology, behavior and the like.  About ten years ago I entered into an extremely abusive relationship.  Emotionally, verbally and mentally.  I was stalked by this person for years after finally breaking off the realtionship completly.  I changed dramatically after this.  I had devolped PTSD.  It became acute and paralyzing about a year ago.  I did not leave my house, except to buy food.  Once a week.  For a whole year.  I was evicted form my apartment.  I was forced to function, and it was painful.  However, it was a catalyst for a small window in my fog.  I moved, started limited functioning and got back into treatment. 

During the evaluation to return to treatment, the woman implementing the test asked a series of questions that were quite odd.  She wouldnt tell me what the test was.  I soon learned it was for BPD.  It seems the previous therapist had seen 'symptoms'.  This therapist didnt know her Jung from her elbow.  Honestly, she would argue with me and tell me what I was feeling was 'wrong'... .  so not kidding.  I spent my time trying to convince her of my feelings.  It was not a good match.  When my new therapist mentioned (in passing) this BPD, I was shocked to say the least.  I knew what it was ,knew the behavior and told him I didnt have it.  He argued with me, I was not really upset at first but the more I thought about it, I really had a hard time with the idea.  I told him the similarities between PTSD and BPD, the behaviors are quite close.  He then went on to bull~ me and say it didnt matter, that we would 'be treating the symptoms".  I accepted that, kinda. 

Then yesterday there was a total disconnect in our conversation.  He kept trying to 'guide' me to admit feeling I didnt have.  He kept challenging me to revise my thinking.  I spent the whole hour again trying to convince him what I was feeling was what I was saying.  I got more and more frustrated, he thought it was because of the subject matter. I was reacting to his misguided attempt to treat a disorder I do not have.  I have known for a LONG time my mother has BPD.  SEVERE BPD.  I was looking for research about the odds of misdiagnising PTSD for BPD when I found this site.  In reading information here.  I am realizing there is more of a chance that because of my mother and her behavior there may be what appear to be symptoms because of learned behavior.  ( That I have tried to change... .  a lot)  Does anyone have any thought on this? I have  no problem with the idea of having it.  I just know I don't.  I meet one or two criteria and only during my lost year. 

Heres what I'm thinking.  A child of a mother with BPD will exibit learned behavior until they get to adulthood then they would slowly (with self awarness) begin to see the world through a diffrent lense and modify their behavior.  Just a theory. 

I will share my story another time.  I just typed for about a half hour and got booted from the site and lost it.  Hopefully I can gain some insight into being a child of someone with BPD here... .  I have to say the more I read on this board the more my life makes sense.  Wow.  Crazy cool. 

 

M~

[GeekyGirl]

I am realizing there is more of a chance that because of my mother and her behavior there may be what appear to be symptoms because of learned behavior.  ( That I have tried to change... .  a lot)  Does anyone have any thought on this? I have  no problem with the idea of having it.  I just know I don't.  I meet one or two criteria and only during my lost year. 

Heres what I'm thinking.  A child of a mother with BPD will exibit learned behavior until they get to adulthood then they would slowly (with self awarness) begin to see the world through a diffrent lense and modify their behavior. 

It's very, very common for people who grew up with BPD parents to develop BPD traits, or even BPD itself. People model the behavior they see from others, and especially as children. We grew up seeing our parents, who really were our first teachers, and looked to them to show us how to behave. As adults, we can (if we choose to) un-learn what we learned as children, but it takes a lot of work.

It's most important in the healing process to focus on our own behavior and what we like about it and what we need to change.

How do you think that learned behavior and personality-driven behavior should be treated differently?

[Eeoye1]

I took last night to think about your question Geekygirl, and I don't know if there would be that much of a difference between treatments.  I know it bugs the ___ out of me to think I am anything like my mother.  I was planning to go to my shink and say I dont have this and heres how I know... .  but then I realized the bigger question is why is it so important that he knows it?  I know.  I may still mention it.  To answer your question, I really don't know... .  honestly.  What do you think?

Thank you Cherry for your lovely post.  My shrink is OK... .  I like him, he's young and eager and tries really hard.  He's a bit more cerebral than I am, and likes things in a 'line'.  He just tries a bit too hard sometimes and doesnt just LISTEN.  He has helped me quite a bit in a short time, I also love the fact he gives me homework, none of my other shrinks have done that.  It makes me think during the week.  Thanks again for your post.

M~