So i ignore it and now she sees my behavior as withdrawing. She is offended by that. She WANTS a conversation of some sort.
She has never not followed me into another room.
Yes... . When we start to change, it really throws them for a loop for a while... . it truly does confuse them, because when we start responding in a different way, they don't know exactly what that means. Especially when our new behavior shows that we have more independence from them than they are used to seeing us exhibit. We calmly reassure them by saying things like, "I love you, but I can't be a part of a conversation this intense right now." Nothing we can say to them will reassure them enough to calm them down though, so, we say it once, in a caring way, and we follow through with what we said we would do... . we disengage without resentment, and we walk into another room... . If that is far enough that you get a meaningful time-out, then great! Don't leave the house if you don't have to! It's not all about the pwBPD though either... . For me, I found that by the point a rage started, I was having a hard time myself fighting the urge to continue
discussing things with my wife... . I wanted to calm her down... . Fact is, when her emotions are THAT high, there really is NOTHING I can say to calm her down. After we consistently disengage, the pwBPD adjusts to this new norm, and, surprisingly, they tend to act out less frequently.
I leave the house for some period of time... . i come back to clothes on the lawn or ripped up marriage certificate (ok... . the certificate thing only happened once).
Your instinct about how her behavior will escalate is well-founded. I'm not going to mislead you; however, after her extinction burst (her final rage/dysregulation), things will improve. It takes a lot of courage to disengage consistently, but after the non does it, positive changes start to occur after the extinction burst. Consistency, consistency. Protect your boundaries, because if you don't nobody else will.
So... . Is there a 'right' response to any of the statements in the original post in this thread?
How about "I want you to leave"? (that is... . what is a 'right' response to that?)
By 'right,' I think you mean, is there some response in that
particular moment in time that is going to defuse the situation. If that is what you mean by, 'right,' and she has BPD, I think you will find that there is no, 'right' answer. People with BPD live literally 'in the moment,' and feel so intensely that they cannot be comforted when they feel dysregulated to that extent. We can try to validate their negative feelings. We can tell them that we care about them and that we are there for them if they need us, but when emotions get that high, we have to remind ourselves that this disorder is cyclical in nature. Don't invalidate the pwBPD by telling them, 'yeah... . you want me to leave right now, but next week you'll think I'm the greatest.' Just keep communication short and positive. So, the 'right' answer for the long term is often to simply disengage and do what we can to keep things from getting worse. This is going to do less damage to the relationship, and it's going to hopefully help the period of dysregulation to pass.
Hope this helps... . I know this is hard. It hurts like hell for a while... . I know it does. You're not alone. I'm sorry you are having to go through this too.
