I am not helping

[asiyah93]

Pretty self-explanatory. Had sex with my BPD friend after I said I wouldn't do it again. I'd like to have a normal friendship but I'm not helping to set boundaries. I take full responsibility. Right now I feel rejected by someone I am very interested in (not the BPD person). The BPD friend is there to give me attention and I'm kind of using him to take my mind off of the other person. I'm normally not this blunt so I apologize for seeming like such a selfish person, but seriously this is what it is. Plus, it's hard to quit cold turkey when you've had sex with the same person for three years straight. It's proven to be harder than I thought. I feel ugly, stupid, rejected, like I don't deserve anything good, and it's just like "well why not have sex with him? never mind that you don't like him like that anymore. never mind that you feel bad about yourself after the fact because you are not respecting boundaries (and neither is he). take whatever attention you can get."

I feel pretty low right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

We all make mistakes asiyah.

And don't worry, you will get another chance in the future to get it right.

You recognize what happened so this is huge.  Pick yourself up.  Brush yourself off. Move forward.

. 

[united for now]

When we aren't feeling good about that it can be easy to fall back on the old patterns that distracted us - even though that behavior they hurt us.

Thus may be a great time to develop some healthy ideas to pamper yourself... .  

Any ideas?

[asiyah93]

That's an issue I have. I don't pamper myself and I feel guilty at the thought of even wanting to pamper myself. I am also craving feeling desired, which is where the BPD comes in. But that will drama. Even though I have no feelings for him anymore drama comes with the territory, you know?

[asiyah93]

*will bring drama

[united for now]

If you don't take cares of your own needs you will bed expecting others too. Then, when they let you down you are left feeling unwanted and hurt.

Again, can you think of some activities that you can do that bring you happiness or peace?

[asiyah93]

Reading

Eating ()

Listening to music

Learning/doing research

Watching movies

I sound boring... .  but yeah those are just a few things I like to do.

[CodependentHusband]

So, just so I understand better. What are your intentions? I'm a little confused because it sounds like you have decided that you no longer care to have a romantic r/s with your pwBPD, but you are posting on the Staying board here? If you still want to maintain some kind of friendship with him, are you concerned with his feelings about possibly sending him mixed signals?

Apologies in advance if this sounds a bit crass, but if you told him that it was just a "friends with benefits" kind of hookup, how do you think he would react? Sometimes coming clean with our friends helps not only them, but us as well (clearing our conscience, for example).

As for finding something else to occupy your time, that is definitely a good idea, and, yeah, at first it's going to seemed forced and unfulfilling. After sticking with it though, I've found that doing things I enjoy alone finally started to make me feel fulfilled again after a while. Yeah... .  it's not what we want, but you are filling the hole with something of value to yourself.

Another idea... .  just take it for what it is worth (a non-professional, complete stranger/random guy on the internet  )... .  have you considered going NC for a while? Maybe the transition from a romantic r/s to a friendship is just too hard to do without first having some distance (both physical and emotional).


I don't know the answers... .  I'm sorry for what you are going through though, and all of the folks here are such a big help.

[asiyah93]

I'm sorry for the late reply, CodependentHusband. My busy season at work just ended and I didn't have much time for my mental health (sad, but true).

I have mentioned the idea of just being friends with benefits, but he says that it's degrading and that it minimizes my role in his life. That it reduces us to being just bodies to each other as opposed to being as close as we are. I don't exactly agree with that but you know how hard it is to convince them.

Things have been better between us, though I've broken my vow time and time again of no sex. I no longer love him romantically, which makes the sex sort of futile and does make me feel a bit empty inside. I don't like the thought of me just using him for that purpose. I bring up me using him as opposed to the other way around because I have found myself to be more emotionally distant, less talkative, less open, etc. Not just with him but with everyone. This relationship really sucked the life out of me, and that, coupled with losing a couple of insincere friends, has me in this bubble of negativity nobody can burst. I suppose alienating him is my form of self-preservation (it's helped to avoid HUGE blowouts between us and we haven't argued as much) but I have noticed that I'm not being a good communicator nor am I being very consistent.

My intention is to have a normal friendship with him, but for me to have that I also need to put my part. Not only do I have to set boundaries and stick with them, but I also have to communicate, and for some reason I'm not really willing to do the last part. It's like I'm alienating myself from everyone, not just him, but I live with him and this is a BPD post which is why I'm focusing on him in this discussion.

[arabella]

I know you're focusing on your BPDex here, but it really sounds like this is a topic for the Self Inventory board. I don't think the issue is with him per se, so much as it is with you and the dynamic that you've stuck yourself in. You sound depressed: withdrawing from friends, self punishment, lack of boundaries, self-depreciation... .   You can't fix any of your relationships if you aren't in a good place yourself. Do you have some more time now to dedicate to yourself? What do you think you can you do to help yourself?

[jaird]

Reading

Eating ()

Listening to music

Learning/doing research

Watching movies

I sound boring... .    but yeah those are just a few things I like to do.

This is not boring. This is what most people do 

[asiyah93]

I'm sorry for the late reply, Arabella. I've been so busy working 4 jobs.

You actually bring up a very good point. This isn't about the guy, this is about me. An internal conflict that I have. In a way, I just use him as an excuse to feel crappy but the truth is that these problems have existed long before I met him and will continue long after this is over because this is about me. I just don't know how to like myself or love myself at all.

[arabella]

No worries! This board is here to help you, not to make you feel even more stressed about trying to reply when you've already got tons on your plate.

I think some of the previous suggestions re finding things you like to do and pampering yourself might help you. Sometimes you have to 'fake it til you make it' - i.e. pretend to love yourself and the feeling will start to follow. The more you talk down to yourself, the worse you are going to feel, it's a horrible self-perpetuating cycle. Do you have a therapist to talk to? Even a few sessions might help put you on the path to healing yourself. Have you spoken to a doctor? As I mentioned, it sounds like you might be a bit depressed - that's something that should be addressed so that you can move forward and heal.

Here's something that was posted on another board: live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance  It's an online video series that you can access, free of charge, with a focus on self-acceptance. I found the videos very well done and the experts that were interviewed were very knowledgeable. You can also download the audio to listen on the go. Maybe check it out and see if you can pick up some tips to get you in a more positive mindset?