It hurts

[coworkerfriend]

No matter how much I repeat to myself that I accept my pwBPD - he is who is he - that he has really bad days and really good days and I have to accept that, it still hurts.

It stings when he looks me in the eye and tells me he would be better off without me.  It hurts when he tells me that I cause all his problems.  I know that they are only words.  I know that he will be remorseful, that he will come to me and tell me that I am the best thing in his life.  I know that the bad time will pass.  I have been through so many of them. 

We have had so many deep conversations.  He has explained that when his mind turns black, he feels that it will never get better.  He has explained to me that the dark moods overtake him.  He believes everything he says to me.  After it passes, he thanks me for not holding on to the bad - for not throwing it back in his face - for not reminding him of it.  The hard part is the words will come back to me - I hear them so loud in my head at times. 

Over the past 4 months, the tools and lessons have  improved things.  My reaction and responses have helped me move from the horrible place I had been in.  I am trying to focus on myself - getting my head and health into a better place.  I am trying to focus on work.  I am trying to keep things moving in a positive direction at our work.  We have had some very positive talks and I feel like I understand him more than I did before I found this forum.

It is still so painful for him to look me in the eye and tell me nothing is better. He slips into depression so quickly.  I can feel the air in the room change.  I know there is nothing I can do.  He has been in therapy for years yet doesn't deal with the issues.

We have been in business and personally involved for 3 years.  We would go through months of rages and depression.  I would invalidate his feelings - try to fix things - walk on eggshells.  Now the dark times usually pass within days. I feel like I am better at handling his moods.  But there are days like today, where it hurts.  I don't know where to go with the pain.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi Coworker

It must be really hard for you to hear those words, I'm sorry for that.  I can relate, as I've also heard very unflattering things from my pwBPD.

One thing that struck me after the dust settled (a very nasty break-up), is that for the most part, we all understand, and to a degree accept things said or done to us by people who are under the influence of alcohol.  Indeed, alcoholism is a disease.  Well? after a time, we get to where we just accept that our loved have BPD, and so, they're "under the influence" of their disease when they act out, say nasty things, rage, etc through no fault of ours.

I cannot imagine working with my pwBPD, I wish you well, you are surely strong to be able to do that!  

It really helps to write it all out, keep posting and reaching out as well.

Hugs

CiF

[Justadude]

I am very very sorry for your agony. I can relate because there have been times when I have been in such deep pain. I hear you. I really hope you feel better. I am sending good thoughts your way. Take care.

[patientandclear]

Just ... .  yes. It is painful when love is not enough to forestall that distance, blaming, disappointment. This is so hard. I can feel it happening w/my uBPDex right now, too.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks for the support and thoughts.  I wish that love were enough. 

I think I struggle with not being to escape his moods.  As much as I try to keep to myself, there is a need for us to discuss and complete projects at work.  He has projects he is responsible for and if he struggles with them, I get drawn into the drama.  Yesterday, he spent the better part of the afternoon trying to figure something out.  I was working on another client and he brought me his report and asked what I thought.  I pointed out a problem I noticed right away.   Even though I know I wasn't critical or short with him, he immediately grabbed the papers, crumbled them up and announced that he quit.

I tried to keep to myself the rest of the day - sat at my desk and worked on projects. But I felt I could not escape the darkness of the air, the way his mood shifted into depression as the day went on.

I try so hard to stay positive and upbeat.  I try to look at the bright side of everything.  It gets me down that I let his moods take over.  I know it is not possible to talk to him when he is like this. 

I want to let his words and moods pass over me.  I don't want to be drawn into them.

Thanks, Cardinal, for saying I am strong.  I have not felt strong in years.  I lost so much confidence and belief in myself in the past few years.  I think back and wonder if I was ever strong.  I don't know how I lost myself. 

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

I know exactly how you feel coworker... .  

Especially this part

I lost so much confidence and belief in myself in the past few years

I have just started w a T (yesterday was my first appointment). I feel as though there is no way I can accoplish MY goals without a clear understanding of what is real and true... .  something, it sounds like, we have both lost years ago.

My goal, as cheese as it sounds, is to find my "happy place". Where my mood is not affected by my pwBD's mood.

[kl315]

Hi Coworker... .  I'm so sorry for what's happening in your relationship and I know that no matter what confidence we have in ourselves, if we're repeatedly accused of negative things by a loved one, we start to believe them. You have to try to hold on to the knowledge that even though he may believe what he says at the time, it's STILL not real.

You mentioned that he's been in therapy for years... .  do you know what type? It's my understanding that there are several deemed effective for BPD but that while one type may work well for one person, another may be more appropriate for someone else.

[coworkerfriend]

itsnotmyfault - I am glad you started therapy. I tried to go to a therapist last year.  I felt like I was talking in circles and not finding my way. I cancelled my appointment around the holidays since I was pressed for time.  I should start back up.

I need to find my happy, confident and healthy place.

My pwBPD has done quite a bit of work with his therapist using cognitive behaviour therapy.  It feels to me like he knows how to respond so he doesn't really work with him.

[Cardinals in Flight]

I lost myself too Coworker... .  to varying degrees? I'd bet we all did, it's just the dynamic of a BPD r/s.  I too lost self-confidence, what little I had to begin with, which is probably a really good indicator of why I got tangled up up in a r/s like this one.

Sigh... .  I wish I could wave a wand for all of us, to just be strong, always have the right words to say, to love without loosing ourselves.

If only, eh?