No contact; is it mature?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I read the truths/  legends post with great interest (thanks Skip).

When I started seeing my current therapist about 6 months ago, shortly after breaking up with ex-BPD-gf for the umpteenth but last time, he suggested quite emphatically that I had to go NC.

I really struggled with this advise. As a critical care physician, I see loved ones stripped away from family and friends suddenly every day. I see firsthand the emotional devastation, the regret, the despair, the anger and denial. So I couldn't conceive how NC, a 'voluntary' death of sorts, was a rational, mature approach. Given how precious life is, I couldn't understand how imposing these childish defenses would help me, or her.

Now, six months later, I really do believe it has helped my recovery to be NC. i was absolutely crushed at the onst, but now i function. i was almost debilitated by mood swings between anger and despair, but now im frequently happy. I miss her like crazy; I still dream about her regularly. I'm still very angry, but I'm recognizing more and more me role in the dance. moreover, the one time I did allow NC to be broken, it really set me back emotionally ( mostly anger). I refused to answer the phone thereafter.

Nonetheless, the entire time I've always felt a little immature doing his. For instance, yesterday was her birthday. I knew it was her birthday, and she knew that I knew it was her birthday. Yet I didn't contact her to congratulate her.

Now learning that the benefits of NC may be more legend than truth, I have even more doubt, and even a little regret.

Do others feel the same? Did anyone ever become civil with their ex-pwBPD? Is this even possible?

[johnnyonthespot]

I read the truths/  legends post with great interest (thanks Skip).

When I started seeing my current therapist about 6 months ago, shortly after breaking up with ex-BPD-gf for the umpteenth but last time, he suggested quite emphatically that I had to go NC.

I really struggled with this advise. As a critical care physician, I see loved ones stripped away from family and friends suddenly every day. I see firsthand the emotional devastation, the regret, the despair, the anger and denial. So I couldn't conceive how NC, a 'voluntary' death of sorts, was a rational, mature approach. Given how precious life is, I couldn't understand how imposing these childish defenses would help me, or her.

Now, six months later, I really do believe it has helped my recovery to be NC. i was absolutely crushed at the onst, but now i function. i was almost debilitated by mood swings between anger and despair, but now im frequently happy. I miss her like crazy; I still dream about her regularly. I'm still very angry, but I'm recognizing more and more me role in the dance. moreover, the one time I did allow NC to be broken, it really set me back emotionally ( mostly anger). I refused to answer the phone thereafter.

Nonetheless, the entire time I've always felt a little immature doing his. For instance, yesterday was her birthday. I knew it was her birthday, and she knew that I knew it was her birthday. Yet I didn't contact her to congratulate her.

Now learning that the benefits of NC may be more legend than truth, I have even more doubt, and even a little regret.

Do others feel the same? Did anyone ever become civil with their ex-pwBPD? Is this even possible?

[Diana82]

I was actually the one who got the no contact deal lumped on me... .  or rather, the silent treatment.

My exBPD dumped me after an argument we had and told me I "burnt her" and to leave her alone.

I tried to call her 2 days later to apologise (not sure why) but she ignored all my attempts to apologise. She then refused to give me explanation for abruptly ending our long term relationship over a fight.  Then changed her number and blocked me on facebook.

I was devastated. 

A month later, I tried to email her to retrieve my stuff I'd left at her house- she ignored me.

She ignores me still... .  it's been a nightmare trying to get my stuff back! And now I'm known apparently as a 'harasser'.

I believe this treatment is completely and utterly petty, immature and cruel.

I believe it's a form of abuse to deliberately ignore someone who is struggling and trying to:

a) reconcile  (at least you can acknowledge or forgive) 

b) politely ask for their things to be returned

[Diana82]

I have no closure... .  no attempts to even be civil by her.

I guess why should I now? She has changed her number and gone silent on me for 5 months now... .  why would that change! 

[doubleAries]

johnnyonthespot--

I have not gone NC with my husband (we are seperated--he is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic features, ASPD, NPD). But I have been NC with my mother for 22 years (Sadistic Personality Disorder with Borderline features). My mother is not a safe person. It's not just that I don't know how to deal with her--she's a dangerous person. In this particular case, NC is indeed a mature decision. A survival decision. Trying to spar with Mike Tyson when you are a 5 year old in the ring is NOT a good idea.

What I got out of the NC is similar to what you are describing. Here's how I describe it: for the first time in my life, I had the luxury--that others take for granted--of sorting out my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, instead of only being able to react to the drama/crisis/rage/soap opera/campaign of denigration du jour.

However, NC wasn't "the solution". It WAS, though, a necessary step towards the solution--the space to sort out my own role in the dysfunction, to safely and undistractedly be able to look at myself and my own reactions and whether those were healthy and serving me well or not. If you can sort this out while being in contact with your pwBPD, great. If not, then NC is a good idea.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

doubleAries

[GreenMango]

Having to take a time out and no put yourself around a person because of emotional fragility is ok.  Part of being mature is communicating your needs.  If you need some space and not talking to them help to protect you that's okay.

The rub with no contact is the intent, how you handle it, and that it can flare up some abandonment avoidant behavior from a person who is abandonment sensitive.

Communicating your value based boundary clearly, not giving mixed messages to the other party, moving with integrity into and doing it for yourself so can heal who can argue with that... .  not many.

Many times what happens in this dysfunctional dance is we as partners have reinforced this recycling... .  so when the bottom drops out AGAIN naturally the other party is expecting more of the same.  When that doesn't happen and we have been less than responsible or mature in the handling of what our needs or boundaries it leaves the other person grasping at ways to avoid the abandonment.

Nobody here is saying to not do what is good for your emotiona health... .  the choice isn't only cutting someone off.  Sometimes limiting contact and slowly pulling back emotionally for safety works for others.  It's more about looking at your motivations. 

[Suzn]

johnny it's possible. Many have reached a point of civility, or indifference. Their emotions no longer control their reactions. NC is for you, not to punish or to pay back. It's simply a tool to help you gain some emotional distance, it's not necessarily meant to be used forever. Unless, like in my case, there are or were restraining orders for your personal safety in place. Using NC in this way is mature when you need to distance yourself, when you know your actions or reactions could set you back emotionally.

[Sabine]

  johnny,

I felt like NC was a bit immature but like suzn said, it's about your motives. In my case I had made it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate his verbal abuse and rages anymore and told him to leave my house after his last rage. (I went NC almost a year ago) My motive behind NC is so that he doesn't get mixed messages and try to seep back into my life. His emotions don't flow right and it's better to keep them completely out of my life for both our sakes.

I'd also like to add that I've since dated someone else (not BPD) but broke it off with him because we weren't a good match. I have no problem being cordial to him if I see him around town.

[ExTreme]

For me, on the receiving end of NC, no it does not seem mature, certainly not what would be expected from a mature love stance. It feels like emotional abuse to be dumped without an explanation. I have broken the NC to ask questions via text, to the torture of the silent treatment.

It's this painful rejection that has left me reeling in debilitating depression, low self-esteem and shame. This, from the man I love and have loved deeply for 4.5 years.

My anguish is that I don't want to move past him- but understand I must. I will work to stop idolizing him and remember other times he ripped my heart to shreds. I've read the Grieving article and cry as I visualize his beautiful face, and large strong frame... .    :'(

[myself]

If it's best for the situation, it's best. In my case, I don't like it sometimes, but it's been very helpful and I'm sticking with it. I don't like it because I wish she and I could still be in contact, but we can't. Too emotional, too volatile. Too much old-news, now. I don't sit around all day thinking, "I'm NC, I'm NC" (I did in the earlier days, though). It's just how it is. We're not in each others lives any more. The patterns are changing. NC helped with that, helped clear my head and helped me have to face some of the grieving, the accepting that has to happen. Bouncing back and forth with her did not lead to calm reflection. Before I went NC, I laid it all right out there for us both of us, the best that I could, so there'd be no question where I was coming from and where it could be going. So: I don't have as many regrets as far as not answering now when she tries to get me to respond. Again, I don't feel it was 100% the best option, but it came the closest and it's helped me. I feel more mature, actually, having done so. It's different in everybody's story, though, what's best for them, and I hope you find your own way. Peace.

[patientandclear]

Hi Johnny -- yes, I am fairly close to my uBPDex.  However, I wouldn't have been able to manage this if I hadn't taken 10 months of NC first.  I was not able to fully heal in NC -- it left the wound open for me.  But it did allow me to stop having hopes and expectations that were unhelpful.

I think closeness and contact have helped me to accept and understand that my ex really does have an attachment disorder.  He had broken things off in our romantic r/s so suddenly, in the midst of everything being seemingly great, and I never really grasped that his reality was more complicated.  During NC I associated being with him with happiness, and being apart from him with pain.  So I felt incredibly drawn toward being with him. 

Being in touch has allowed me to see and accept what he really deals with emotionally.  We have become much closer in reality now than we ever were while we were dating, and this is very important to me, but it has come with its own challenges regarding keeping my hopes and expectations in check.  I've written a fair amount about it, mostly on the Staying board, since September.

Good luck no matter how you decide to proceed.