Memory Repression

[downandin]

Do you find yourself repressing the bad memories?  I mean, whenever conflict arises, I never seem to be able to remember the details of the hurtful things she has done in the past.  When I'm in the middle of the silent treatment and am trying to console myself by thinking of past conflicts, I draw blanks.  When I'm trying to tell my friend about things that have happened, I can't remember the details.  It is really starting to affect my memory in general too.  I don't remember appointments, deadlines, important events.  I have to keep a written list of things to do at work.  I know as we get older our memory gets worse.  But I'm only in my early 40s, and it has gotten really bad.

So I thought, I'm going to do this post as an exercise in trying to remember the early signs I had in our relationship that something was not right.

I remember... .  

The time we were on a trip and we had a small disagreement, and she threw open the car door at a stop sign, jumped out of the car, and said she was walking home (two hours away).

The time we had one of our first arguments and she exploded and said something to the extent of "Never raise your voice to me again or you will be sorry!" I did not even think I was yelling, and she definitely was.

This may have also been the first time I saw the 'Rosemary's Baby' thing in her eyes as well.

The times she lit into me with "you f***ing, POS, GD, MF, btch I hate your f***ing guts."  This has happened too many times for me to really remember the first time, but, I do distinctly remember how dumbfounded I was the first time.  Every time this happens and I ask her later how she could say those things to me, she will always say that I started it and/or she didn't say them or they weren't as bad as I remember.

Maybe that has something to do with my memory problems as well.  She will always deny things that happened or minimize them to the point that I am left questioning my own memories.  Maybe I had rather not try to remember than to be told that I am wrong.  Maybe they are just too painful or disconcerting.  Whatever the reason, I'm already going gray on other memories, and, as you see, the only event that I can remember any real details about is the trip thing.  It was pretty early in our marriage, though, and because of how strange I perceived her actions, I think it really stuck.  There has been so much of all the other things that I do not remember any particulars.  If I think of anything else to add, I will.  Please feel free to share your similar memories if you think you are repressing as bad as I know I am.  

 

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[Cloudy Days]

Actually I kind of wish I could repress my memories. I remember everything for the most part. There are smaller fights that kind of blend together because it's happened so many times. I think part of it is PTSD that I have developed, with the clearness of everything he has put me through. It doesn't go away unless I make an concious effort to make it leave my mind.

The first time he made me cry, I remember it very clearly. He accused me of cheating on him with my best freinds boyfreind. It came out of nowhere, i didn't understand it. At that time he was still in the highly idolization phase, he quickly appologized and told me he didn't mean to make me cry. That wasn't the last time I was accused of it.

I remember the first time he broke something of mine. It was a neacklace and he broke it because I left, I don't remember why he was mad but I remember I was hurt. He ended up buying me a $600 pearl necklace to replace the $15 one he had broke.

I don't exactly remember what started each fight or explosion because they usually came out of nowhere.

I distinctly remember the first time I was afraid of him. I looked at someone in a truck that I would never ever see again. He thought I was checking them out. We were driving and actually moving in together that day. He isn't a calm driver and I was called any and every name. I still didn't understand it.

The newer they are, the more detail I can give of course. The really traumatic times are burned into my head forever. But I also have a mix of absolutly wonderful times that I can't get out of my head. I can remember them with just as much clarity. 

[sunshine40]

I have the same problem of describing exactly how things are said when he (or both of us) are dysregulated. Ususally, after the anger or hurt has left, I forget the details. Maybe that is so I can move on with life "as usual" and not focus on what makes me miserable.

I have noticed in so doing that there are huge peices of my life missing in my memory. I have taken this as the result of a physical trauma I had nine years ago, after which followed the WORST six years of my marraige. I can only remember bits and peices of those six years. I remember my uBPDh waking me up at 1am coming home from work and yelling at me because I had not waited up for him. I remember him slamming my oldest daughter up against the wall, and where we went to talk after about never EVER ding that again. I remember him telling me to act like a girl, and threats of infidelity on his part because he was no longer attracted to me... I remember for years my only goal was to not make him yell at me. I remember when I gave up trying to please him and realizing that he is not happy because he chose not to be. That's when I started to work on myself, and stopped forever trying to "fix" him. That's when my memory gets better... .  but when things are bad, I do tend to block out the details so i cannot accurately describe it to people... .  BUT I have always has to make lists and remind myself what I am supposed to do, because I knew I had things slip my mind, or got distracted with "side notes"... AND I am over 40, so I am sure that may play a factor in it. I can clearly remember childhood memories like they were yesterday (sometimes)

And there is the factor that his memory is different than mine. We can be in the same room as eachother listening to a preacher or something, and what he hears is completely different than what I hear. I have noticed that a lot. It makes it hard to trust his basic perception of things, even when he is right. And it mkes me question my own memory. That's when I secretly go to a third party to clarify... .  just for my own sanity.

[itsnotmyfaultanymore]

So funny downandin... .  I was thinking about this just today. I feel exactly the same way. As I look back it's almost as if I have repressed certain memories/rages.

My problem has always been, or so I thought, that my pwBPD has always been able recall any memory at will from any argument for the last 20 years. Lately, however, I have realized that in fact NO she can't (recall her memory at will)! What she does is recall the FEELINGS she was having and then develops "facts" (which are usually quite twisted) around those feeling to suit the current situation/rage.

From my side, I feel as though my repression has something to do with JADE. When I look back at the thousands of times I have tried to JADE myself out of a situation/rage - I really do have trouble recalling details.

However, where I did stand up for myself, refuse to engage or held a boundary... .  I can remember those situations clearly. I wonder why that is?

Here are 2 of my most extreme memories - which I have only recently started to let slip back in to my consciousness;

I remember... .  

the time, when (gf at the time... .  ) pwBPD accused me of raping her... .  

the time when my pwBPD struck me across the face with a folded newspaper (just hard enough to hurt) - I left... .  and then came back to her trying to commit suicide

Both these situations are from almost 20 years ago, and although hard to discuss, I believe are important for me to FINALLY start to once again grasp reality.

[refuge]

its  so much repression as it is a mild form of splitting ,believe it or not we do it to... .  they do it to the power of 10,000X though.

we have a tendency to not give hurtful things they do the same weight we do the good things... .  

I myself have experienced dissociation/splitting though... .  it happened in Afghanistan.   Very strange thing... .  I would see stuff happen that should have scared the crap out of me and sent me running but instead it just didn't register... hard to explain... a year later i realized a bunch of strange welts on my right arm  ( that stayed for nearly 2 years and had no explanation... .  ) , The welts were most likely caused by the unprocessed events during a 3 week period in 2009...   ... it doesn't take a BPD to experience this stuff

[refuge]

i meant to say its not so much repression in the above post