Considering writing a letter

[finallyangry]

I am starting to finally feel angry and disrespected by my mother who has BPD. I have spent a lot of my life defending to people who love me why I still give her any of my time. She is like a daughter to me and I have always been much more concerned with knowing she is okay then with respecting myself enough to be angry for what she has put me through.

Granted, I have stood up to her a couple times which I outlined in previous posts. I have never taken the time to call her out on everything that I know is a lie, to show her she hasnt fooled me and to speak my truth about the fact that I dont deserve it.

I know that writing this letter, though it will be tactful and mature, will cause her to pain me black and that will be it. I am struggling with the reality that I have to choose between writing to her and being able to keep her at arms length to know shes ok.

Thoughts? 

[SeekerofTruth]

I've heard this advice on other boards but also appropriate in this context as well.

You can write it, express your thoughts on paper, even tell them off... .  BUT DON'T SEND IT.  Perhaps putting em in folders and tucked away.  That way you can get some of the stuff out of you, releasing some of it in the process... .  and not having to deal with the fallout of her MASSIVE chaos.

So my advice would be do not send it.  I doubt very highly that she would be validating or provide you with a healthy concilatory response.  Nada.

In my 20s, i attended a 3-4 day, 12 hour a day, out of state intensive seminar pertaining to personal growth.  While there i felt all hyped up, empowered, and encouraged.  But one of the exercises i decided to engage in , was write a letter to someone who has hurt, damaged, or otherwise done crappy stuff with whom you have unfinished business with.  Well, well, i chose to write a letter to my dad... detailing in graphic details somethings i remember from childhood that happend that were not appropriate and calling him out on it.  I think I had the naive expectation that this would lead us to have an adult to adult conversation and he'd say he was sorry for the pain it caused me, and we could make amends and we could really become a healthy father - son tandem in the most idealistic and empowered ways!  You know, just a little validation that it really happend and---hey, things could start flowing smoother, more confidence, more spontaniety, just more grounded and HEALED!


No way--- no how.  That was a few decades ago, but as i recall it now, it probably turned into one the worse shaming and invalidating experiences I had as a young adult.  He came over to my apartment, and I thought we would talked.  No he raged.  My windows were open, and the stuff flying out of his mouth, very loudly denied the very sensitive things my letter called him out on.  Uttter denial.  I was the crazy one and i hurt him.  Huh?  Yeah, I felt embarrassed.

It was only years later, in studying counseling, that I heard the part of about "BUT DON'T SEND IT".  pertaining to the "letter writing" exericse where unfinished business from childhood traumatic events and the negative impacts could get expressed.  The rationale was, cus you don't know how the other party is going to respond, i.e. favorably or disfavorably, or turn it around, upside down, and lash out and cause more pain.  Like my dad did, when he went ape~.

Take care,

It's hard for me to acknowledge whether my dad was BPD.  As a teenager i already knew he had an "amygdala" issue regarding his emotional dysregulation, raging, emotional abuse.  I rationalized it more along the lines of PTSD from war, and also being him becoming an orphan when both his parents either died or got killed when he was a child.

My older sister, is low functioning and has been previously diagnosed BPD.  I just knew growing up as a kid, from the crazy tantrums and hell making, to keep my distance.  I became the "smart", overachieving one.  Also went on to have a career in MH field up until a few years ago, when i shifted gears and attempted to go into business for myself that i really have a passion for.  Most recently, I came to these boards about 8 weeks ago, in search of answers and to vent.  After an 8 year relationship but just 1 year marriage in hell to a VERY HIGH FUNCTIONING but acting out wBPD.  The high functioning thru me off and my latent CODENPENDENCY, addictive personality, and grandiosity in being able to help my wife thru her career advancement while getting the exact psychological opposite from her, passive aggressive, undermining, going against, stuff that was bringing me down.  Thing is I still love her, and care about her, and desire to be the kind of hero/rescuer/champion "diehard" that will go thru hell for his mate.  But its killing me. Just like in the movie "What Dreams May Come"... .  i got that crazy ass sentimentality in me, way deep.  Understanding now, how the love-hate relationship i had with dad, somehow, someway got played out in me going back into a relationship that was damaging my spirtit and soul, thinking Love can still win the day.  Still naive perhaps... .  Still arriving.

Oh, also saw your post about writing and warning the shrink about dating your biological mother.  Yup, stranger things have happend.  Sounds like you giving him a heads up, spared him some drama, and now he's taking the cold clinically detached  perspective.  Likely functions to keep him away.  He'd really be off, if what he said about her, and then continued to engage her.

[GeekyGirl]

What do you hope to gain from writing the letter?

I've heard this advice on other boards but also appropriate in this context as well.

You can write it, express your thoughts on paper, even tell them off... .  BUT DON'T SEND IT.  Perhaps putting em in folders and tucked away.  That way you can get some of the stuff out of you, releasing some of it in the process... .  and not having to deal with the fallout of her MASSIVE chaos.

I like this idea. If you write it and file it away, you can relieve some tension and get your feelings out, but you can come back to it if at a later time you decide to send it.

[Up In the Air]

Here's my experience... .  I, like you, struggled with sending a letter. I chose to send it and it was unbelievable. My mother-in-law had been awful to me for a couple years at the letter writing point and I had gone to a therapist to get advice... .  luckily she specialized in personality disorders. She told me that writing a letter to my MIL would prove to be a powerful tool in my journey toward healing and recovering my integrity. She supported me whether I chose to write and file it away or write and send it. However, she did warn me that because my MIL was a high functioning (undiagnosed) BPD that my feelings and the true issues at hand would likely get swept under the rug during a massive dramatic tantrum once received and likely never get resolved or validated.

I weighed my options and thought about the consequences. Overall, the feeling that I had lost my integrity ultimately won. I felt like she was haunting my conscience. Like if I didn't say something then I wasn't truly speaking up for myself. I wanted that line drawn, no matter what the outcome. I'm not sorry that I sent it. At all.

Two things happened. One: she read it and completely neglected to speak to me about it until I asked if she received it. Even then, face to face, she did exactly what I thought she would and said 'I'm so glad you're going to therapy and getting some help.' Although this angered me, I had known ahead of time that she would most likely not validate my feelings or try to make the relationship better. Since then she has not spoken about the letter to me or my husband. If she ever realizes how horrible she's been to me and remembers the letter, it's on her conscience to apologize and make things right, not mine and for that I have a lot of peace.

The second thing that happened completely took me off guard: she left me alone. For so long it was all about how horrible I was... .  you name it, she complained about it. There are people in my DH's family who won't even speak to me because of her manipulating gossip and lies. But all of a sudden she knew I wasn't game any more. She knew that I was going to peg her every time she insulted me and I think she realized that she needed to back off, leave me alone and she knew that I wasn't up for all the drama.

Since then, she's still her normal self, but I have to say, I have a huge amount peace that I didn't have before then. In any contact I have with her (which is very little, as my husband has now completely cut off contact with her and my father-in-law), I make sure I'm pleasant and kind, but I also try as hard as I can to be assertive and stick to the boundaries that I outlined in my letter.

I wish you the absolute best of luck with your letter. I know how difficult all this can be and I'm pulling for you!

[finallyangry]

Thank you guys for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. You all brought up good points and Im going to have to take it all into consideration.

I dont think that not sending it is an option for me.

"I weighed my options and thought about the consequences. Overall, the feeling that I had lost my integrity ultimately won. I felt like she was haunting my conscience. Like if I didn't say something then I wasn't truly speaking up for myself. I wanted that line drawn, no matter what the outcome. I'm not sorry that I sent it. At all. "

That really hit  home for me. I know for a fact that I will not get any kind of apology and I know that she wont take responsibility for her actions but I need to feel like I finally stood up to her. Telling a bully off in your mirror at home isnt quite going to do the trick right?

Another note though is that she has been diagnosed a couple times now with antisocial personality and narcissistic personality on top of BPD. Do you think that there is any danger to me in writing to her so openly? I know that there are quite a few dangerous people in history with these disorders. Not to be dramatic

[SeekerofTruth]

I understand the part about standing up to a bully with the goal of exorcising the inner demon trapped inside of us that their wounding has caused.  And to cast them off from harming us further. 

Our relationships with BPDs and the range of severity of their disorders, and telling them off or calling them out, confronting them are all unique and different with a gamut of outcomes including the good, bad, and ugly.

partner to partner;

GF to BF; vice versa, with respect to gender differences.

W to H;

Adult to inlaw;

Parent to adult child;

Or in your case as I understand it, parentified child to mentally sick parent.

diagnosed a couple times now with antisocial personality and narcissistic personality on top of BPD. Do you think that there is any danger to me in writing to her so openly?

BPD,NPD, and ASP.  Has she been to prison? 

I've read some of your posts about some of the extremely, not mild, but EXTREME threats she made or acted out in terms of self-harm and other stuff.  At times, people who are self-injurious or follow-thru on suicide do so, as a way of punishing those they leave behind... .  and do so in a calculated manner.  Not sure about the extent of her parasuicidal or suicidal attempts hx.  Statisically speaking, the more failed attempts the greater risk for the next suicide attempt to complete.  That might be one risk, in terms of possible negative outcome that could present itself as an emotional danger to hurt you.  I think children of parents who suicide, get hurt regardless of parent's intent or rationale.

You think that might haunt your conscience?

Is she homicidal?

She is a severe case from what you describe.  YOu need to weigh out the pros and cons and your motives. 

I need to feel like I finally stood up to her 

  OK.

From what I've read you already have been standing up for yourself.  Celebrate those achievements. I know you still feel a need for something more.  Are you in a hurry or rush to get this off your chest?  Do you feel some type of urgency?  Our own emotional regulation gets so thrown by their disorder, it's understandable we just want it, our own inner upset to STOP.  And telling someone to FO also has its place, particularly with abusers.

Sometimes, in letter writing, victims of abuse still even write a letter to their deceased parent.  And find it therapeutic.

You have many options available to you.  For example,  indirectly, is there someone less volitile in your life, maybe an acquaintance or store clerk who treats you rudely for you to take that opportunity to assertively and appropriately stand up for yourself?  Sorry if I am reading too much into your stuff.  Often times the residual sh__ we have from our primary attachment figures gets played out in subsequent interactions with others in the wierdest of ways.  You quest to be free and healthy.  To be protective of yourself, not be taken advantage by others, and have appropriate boundaries while also having the unfinished emotional business with whatshername--- this compels you to stand up for yourself.  I just see too much drama in interacting with her.  That pent up energy you have inside you and your super vulnerability going forward appear to possible be growing edges worthy of further consideration and learning opportunities as it pertains to your own all around growth and development in the type of person you endeavor to become.

I'm glad you are seeking out guidance on this.  My wish for you, is that thru this process you continue to grow in healthier emotional terms with yourself and others, while healing from the damage done.  There are many ways.

If i may ask, are you currently in T?  Perhaps that might be a place to get closer guidance through whatever you are considering and the type of outcome you are most in need of for your self.  That is what this is about, right?  T would also be available, if you did write it... .  to faciliate your decision-making process and be there afterwards and thru it as a source of support and counsel. 

Good luck.

[princessbubblegum]

I love reading the multiple views and responses to every one's posts. It gives a nice wide angle to took at the situation, since we are all so unique.

I had to do something last February... .  I kept getting texts from my mother and I finally couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to do something, I organized my thoughts over about the course of a week. Gave warning to my father that I was going to do this, and to quote a very wise woman-"it wasn't going to be comfortable or convenient." My decision was to actually go to her house and sit down at the kitchen table and lay it all out. I was tired of the negative nasty no respect pitty party walking on eggshell stuff, and now my kids were starting to see what I had grown up with and I do not want that for them.

Upon driving over to the house I got numerous texts from my father that it wasn't a good time, and she was not in a good mood... .  ( is there ever? is she ever?)

I did it, I sat there and kept my composure, I was calm, I was kind. I refused to stop talking when she would try to walk away, I would say- No, you can't walk away, because you wouldn't like it if someone did that to you. Listen to what I have to say. She listened but mostly shouted and ranted at me, sometimes there were points where she made no sense even. When she couldn't handle it anymore she hauled her arm back and shot her glass of ice water at me. It spun off the light hanging over the table and made a mess, and she was shouting for me to get out. I didn't leave, she retreated upstairs.

We all have to take a step, it is not an east decision to make. My stomach was in knots for more than a week, and I thought for sure when I was driving there I was going to throw up. I have a high pain tolerance, and I am a very strong  and strong willed person, but the hold that she had over me was insane. Not anymore, the peace I have had over the past 11 months has been amazing.

Things like this are hard, they are our parents and we want them, but we do not want what they bring most of the time. I have my good days and bad days, I never regret my decision to go and speak my mind though. I stood up for me and for my family. Something I hadn't done my whole life. Probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do. The fear was unbelievable. But I knew I was going to be better on the other side of all of it.

I hope whatever you decide brings you peace and you are able to release it.

[justnothing]

Like SeekerofTruth said, please at least take your time with this and don't just do it impulsively.

You are not being dramatic about AsPD, it really is no joke… Wanting to regain ones' integrity is nice and dandy when we're not talking about someone with AsPD and being afraid of her might actually be a rather healthy attitude.  

I'm sorry if this might sound like an insulting question, considering that you've already been over this, but – are you absolutely, 100% sure that this is really entirely about integrity and not at all, on some subconscious level, about finding out whether or not she's "in there"? Because you can be absolutely certain that even if there is any semblance of humanity in her – it won't be brought out by any letter, no matter how you word it.

You know, I tend to think that we each have 4 parents (even those of us who grew up with single parents) – for each parent there's the one in real life and then there's the imaginary one we carry inside us, which may even have a very different personality than the real one. I think the one you should be confronting is not your real mother but the image you have of her because in a way that's the one that really shapes your personality.

[Up In the Air]

Like SeekerofTruth mentioned above, asking if you're seeing a therapist... .  I did want to mention that I wrote the letter, had my therapist read it when she knew I was serious about sending it, and then she took out her red pen and marked the areas that I had worded aggressively, etc. Then I went home, changed it all so that it was as assertive as possible. It was nice to have someone not directly involved in the situation (and a professional!) to read and say how things could come across unless altered... .  way helpful!

I'm finding that being assertive with a BPD, although emotion is still involved, really lays it out in a way that allows you to express boundaries, feelings, and describe situations without immediately causing the other person to get offended since it's not 'YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT GRRRR.' I also found that it helped to keep me grounded and calm when interacting with her. And I knew that if that letter was given to anyone else to 'prove' her point for her own little pity party, I would still be coming across as calm and mature.

Obviously you love your mother and that's a key point. If you do end up sending the letter, that I think is important that you reiterate that over and over. As princessbubblegum said above, how she told her dad she was confronting her mom, that's important too. Perhaps if you truly feel that you need to send the letter, does she has a close friend or family member who knows about her disorders that you can ask to assist in supporting your mom when you send the letter?

It would be awful if something happened to her after you sent the letter. No one wants that. No one wants to verbally wound another person like that. But ultimately, and I don't want to sound hard-hearted here, her actions are her responsibility, no matter how much denial or personal responsibility she takes for them. You can't hold yourself accountable for her actions. That's not fair and it's not right. If she's unwilling to get help and things aren't changing, what really can we as the bystanders do? We help ourselves. We nurture ourselves to a place of healing for our hearts and anything else that's aching. I think drawing the line is important, but I also think it's important to draw it carefully and lovingly. So here's my question for you: Can you draw a line, without sending the letter, change your behavior in how you respond to her behavior and still heal and move forward?

[SeekerofTruth]

Exceptional Insight!

I'm finding that being assertive with a BPD, although emotion is still involved, really lays it out in a way that allows you to express boundaries, feelings, and describe situations without immediately causing the other person to get offended since it's not 'YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT GRRRR.' I also found that it helped to keep me grounded and calm when interacting with her. And I knew that if that letter was given to anyone else to 'prove' her point for her own little pity party, I would still be coming across as calm and mature. 

This soo true.  Because of the history of not being able to voice or make a complaint regarding the others behavior anid mood swings and it's negative upon me, my anger built up and wasn't allowed expression.  When i'd get a handle on it and channel it in the direction intended with myself under control and with clarity of intent, inevitably at times it comes across as "YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THAT GRRRR".  Still an issue for me.  Still arriving.

An Excellent Example of Taking the High Road (spiritual emotional growth) and Effective Utilization of Resources

... .  I did want to mention that I wrote the letter, had my therapist read it when she knew I was serious about sending it, and then she took out her red pen and marked the areas that I had worded aggressively, etc. Then I went home, changed it all so that it was as assertive as possible. It was nice to have someone not directly involved in the situation (and a professional!) to read and say how things could come across unless altered... .  way helpful!

Awesome post!  Brilliant.  I've also received similar assistance in the past.  Like letting the bad air out.  Pheeeewww... .  

Now here's a song to share with you'al.

Bruce Cockburn - Let the bad air out (5:50)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4xf2G6g0wM

[finallyangry]

  Thank you all for taking so much time to respond so thoughtfully. I have read all your responses a number of times so that I could really get every golden nugget out of them   

I am not currently in therapy but I am still close with my therapist who is also a family friend of sorts. I havent told her about whats going on yet though.

"I'm sorry if this might sound like an insulting question, considering that you've already been over this, but – are you absolutely, 100% sure that this is really entirely about integrity and not at all, on some subconscious level, about finding out whether or not she's "in there"? Because you can be absolutely certain that even if there is any semblance of humanity in her – it won't be brought out by any letter, no matter how you word it."'

I really felt that this was insightful. I feel like if my writing the letter was to find out if there was something in there then I would go into with the hope of some kind of outcome or response. I am not anticipating that she will react at all, and if she does it certainly wont be anything to prove whether or not there is any  humanity in her. I really believe that I am doing it just to know that I did. Does that make sense?

Upintheair, you asked if I could draw some boundries without the letter. The answer to that really is that I tried. I have spend a lot of time in therapy learning how to love at arms length and such with no success. She is an all or nothing person so either I fill my place as her best friend or I am painted black. She will disappear for a while and then come back with "cancer" or something and then I get painted black for not crying over it or playing along. Its a rough ride, really.

As far as her being dangerous, Im not sure. I mean, while she never did more than throw a chair at me she did kill two of my cats... .  brutally. I dont talk about this often because its hard but I know now that that is a very ASPD thing to do. Is it possible that she could act out against me? Sure I guess. But if so, why didnt she when she disowned me when i was 14?

Do these disorders get progressively severe?

[Up In the Air]

Wow, love, you've been through a lot and I know it's not even the tip of the ice burg. *HUGS*

The reason I asked if you could do it without writing a letter was really to make a point... .  it sounded like you had tried everything... .  except the letter. My point, which I'm sure you got, was that if you've tried your best with no change, no luck, then it's probably time for the next step.

It sounds like she does have a physically aggressive side to her, hence her killing your cats and throwing a chair at you. I am no expert at all when it comes to personality disorders, but I can tell you that I'd talk to your old therapist over the phone about what you'd like to do, ask if her if she'd be willing to help you with the letter, and she what she thinks about the potential danger aspect. She'd probably also tell you what to expect with any of the disorders and their worsening.

For my own curiosity... .  what are you hoping to communicate with your letter... .  your feelings and drawing boundaries, ending the relationship, etc? I know my situation is 100% different than yours, but if you'd like to see the letter I wrote to my MIL, if it'd be helpful, I wouldn't mind sharing it.

[finallyangry]

Up In The Air,

Thank you for offering to share the letter. I would very much like to read it

[Up In the Air]

Hi there, I sent it in a private message. Hope that's okay.

[Cordelia]

finallyangry, killing pets is a known predecessor to violence towards people.  So I would say you are in danger.  :-(  I'm really sorry, but I wouldn't send any letter to her.  Just stay away.  I understand you want to make your stand against her and tell her your side of the story but your first responsibility is to protect yourself.  What she thinks, or knows, or understands, is so much less important than your ability to move on and heal and surround yourself with good people who care for you and would never hurt you or anything you love.   

[finallyangry]

Cordelia,

Thank you for being so honest with me. I hear what youre saying. This is the fear of my family members too. Im feeling really torn. I feel like I need this in order to heal but I certainly dont want to bring harm to myself or anyone I love.

Have you heard previous examples like this?

[Cordelia]

There are a lot of anecdotal stories, but here is a pretty good statement that includes scientific research and evidence as well from an article in the NY Times:

quote/ The connection between animal abuse and other criminal behaviors was recognized, of course, long before the evolution of the social sciences and institutions with which we now address such behaviors. In his famous series of 1751 engravings, “The Four Stages of Cruelty,” William Hogarth traced the life path of the fictional Tom Nero: Stage 1 depicts Tom as a boy, torturing a dog; Stage 4 shows Tom’s body, fresh from the gallows where he was hanged for murder, being dissected in an anatomical theater. And animal cruelty has long been recognized as a signature pathology of the most serious violent offenders. As a boy, Jeffrey Dahmer impaled the heads of cats and dogs on sticks; Theodore Bundy, implicated in the murders of some three dozen people, told of watching his grandfather torture animals; David Berkowitz, the “Son of Sam,” poisoned his mother’s parakeet.

But the intuitions that informed the narrative arc of Tom Nero are now being borne out by empirical research. A paper published in a psychiatry journal in 2004, “A Study of Firesetting and Animal Cruelty in Children: Family Influences and Adolescent Outcomes,” found that over a 10-year period, 6-to-12-year-old children who were described as being cruel to animals were more than twice as likely as other children in the study to be reported to juvenile authorities for a violent offense. In an October 2005 paper published in Journal of Community Health, a team of researchers conducting a study over seven years in 11 metropolitan areas determined that pet abuse was one of five factors that predicted who would begin other abusive behaviors. In a 1995 study, nearly a third of pet-owning victims of domestic abuse, meanwhile, reported that one or more of their children had killed or harmed a pet.

The link between animal abuse and interpersonal violence is becoming so well established that many U.S. communities now cross-train social-service and animal-control agencies in how to recognize signs of animal abuse as possible indicators of other abusive behaviors. In Illinois and several other states, new laws mandate that veterinarians notify the police if their suspicions are aroused by the condition of the animals they treat. The state of California recently added Humane Society and animal-control officers to the list of professionals bound by law to report suspected child abuse and is now considering a bill in the State Legislature that would list animal abusers on the same type of online registry as sex offenders and arsonists.

When I spoke recently with Stacy Wolf, vice president and chief legal counsel of the A.S.P.C.A.’s Humane Law Enforcement department, which focuses on the criminal investigation of animal-cruelty cases in New York City, she drew a comparison between the emerging mindfulness about animal cruelty and the changing attitudes toward domestic abuse in the 1980s. “It really has only been in recent years that there’s been more free and accurate reporting with respect to animal cruelty, just like 30 years ago domestic violence was not something that was commonly reported,” she said. “Clearly every act of violence committed against an animal is not a sign that somebody is going to hurt a person. But when there’s a pattern of abusive behavior in a family scenario, then everyone from animal-control to family advocates to the court system needs to consider all vulnerable victims, including animals, and understand that violence is violence.”

/end quote

Here is the link to the article it came from:

www.nytimes.com/2010/06/13/magazine/13dogfighting-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

[waverider]

Killing animals is a sign of someone who has zero empathy towards others. It is about asserting power, the effect on you is of no consequence, and it is about the demonstration of power.

You are not going to change the essence of who she is, would going No Contact be a safer option, rather than trying to prove a point and maybe cause a bigger can of worms?

[GeekyGirl]

I strongly believe that you have to listen to your gut instincts, especially when you or someone you love might be in danger. There have been some good points here, finallyangry. What is your gut telling you about your mother and your personal safety? Do you think there's another way that you could heal without sending this letter or engaging with your mother?

[finallyangry]

My gut is saying to me that unless I tell her everything that I know Ill never be able to truly love or respect myself. Sounds crazy? 

[waverider]

My gut is saying to me that unless I tell her everything that I know Ill never be able to truly love or respect myself. Sounds crazy? 

Not crazy, just as long as you a fully aware of all the potential outcomes, and not expecting it to "cure" anything. Maybe it will, but probably not. As long as you are ok with that. Only you can decide if it is physically dangerous, and have a contingency plan for that, such as not being alone with her if necessary

[Cordelia]

My gut is saying to me that unless I tell her everything that I know Ill never be able to truly love or respect myself. Sounds crazy? 

It's not crazy, it just puts a lot of power in the hands of someone who's already been very destructive to you.  :-(  I can't criticize, I did the same thing, I poured out my heart in a letter.  In my case it didn't have any negative effect, actually.  It had no effect at all, it was just more time and energy and emotion poured into the void, following the pattern of the entire relationship.  I wish I could spare you the same pain, and that I could convince you that you NEVER need anyone's permission to love and respect yourself, much less the permission of someone you KNOW to be destructive and mentally ill.  But I guess that is something we each need to come to on our own, in our own time.  Wishing you all the best.   

[GeekyGirl]

My gut is saying to me that unless I tell her everything that I know Ill never be able to truly love or respect myself. Sounds crazy? 

It's not crazy, it just puts a lot of power in the hands of someone who's already been very destructive to you. 

That's a good point. I agree with waverider, too, that it's not crazy to want to tell her everything, but self-love and good self-care also includes making sure that you're safe. When you send the letter, you might want to put some provisions in place to protect yourself if you feel that they're necessary, such as staying with a friend, letting the neighbors know to tell you if they see anything suspicious, etc.

Keep us posted... .  I wish you the best of luck as well.