Is he responsible for his abuse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Okay, I'm not sure if I should post this here, but if a moderator sees this, please move it to where it belongs.

My husband's brother is a diagnosed BPD. I have refused to allow him in our home or to have any sort of contact with me or my young daughter ever since he and his wife split up a year and a half ago. She had to leave him after repeated episodes of violent rage toward herself, their pets, and their home. He even injured her to the point that she had to go to the emergency room after one of these episodes.

I always thought he was a sweet person and was shocked to find out that he had beaten his wife and then tried to justify it by saying that she deserved it because she was a b****. I suppose that because of his illness, he is not as culpable as, say, I would be. However, I can't get past the fact that this man beat up women, abused animals, deliberately destroyed someone else's property, and refuses to take any sort of responsibility for it. I don't want to be around someone like that. What's more, I'm concerned that my child and I might not be safe around him.

He, of course, thinks I'm horrible and I get the impression that his family also thinks I am being mean.

I guess what I want to know is am I being too hard on him? Just how responsible is someone with BPD for abuse? Is there anyway to know whether a BPD is actually dangerous? Right now I feel as though there is no way I could trust him enough to let him come around again unless he had been through some really good therapy and was ready to admit responsibility for his actions.

[Satori]

Okay, I'm not sure if I should post this here, but if a moderator sees this, please move it to where it belongs.

My husband's brother is a diagnosed BPD. I have refused to allow him in our home or to have any sort of contact with me or my young daughter ever since he and his wife split up a year and a half ago. She had to leave him after repeated episodes of violent rage toward herself, their pets, and their home. He even injured her to the point that she had to go to the emergency room after one of these episodes.

I always thought he was a sweet person and was shocked to find out that he had beaten his wife and then tried to justify it by saying that she deserved it because she was a b****. I suppose that because of his illness, he is not as culpable as, say, I would be. However, I can't get past the fact that this man beat up women, abused animals, deliberately destroyed someone else's property, and refuses to take any sort of responsibility for it. I don't want to be around someone like that. What's more, I'm concerned that my child and I might not be safe around him.

He, of course, thinks I'm horrible and I get the impression that his family also thinks I am being mean.

I guess what I want to know is am I being too hard on him? Just how responsible is someone with BPD for abuse? Is there anyway to know whether a BPD is actually dangerous? Right now I feel as though there is no way I could trust him enough to let him come around again unless he had been through some really good therapy and was ready to admit responsibility for his actions.

[justnothing]

There may be times when he has a much, much harder time controlling his behavior than a non-disordered person but that doesn't take away his responsibility for his actions. And during the rest of the time, when he's not triggered, then he's definitely responsible for whether or not he makes the choice of getting treatment or not so at the very least you can hold him accountable for that.

As for whether he's dangerous in general… it's hard to say. Usually this kind of thing gets directed at loved ones but then you and your husband are part of his family… At any rate, it might be better to be safe than sorry, especially if you have a daughter to protect.

[GeekyGirl]

I guess what I want to know is am I being too hard on him? Just how responsible is someone with BPD for abuse? Is there anyway to know whether a BPD is actually dangerous?

These are good questions. Are you being too hard on him? Well, you know that he has a history of violent behavior. You are choosing to not be around him because of his track record, and you're protecting yourself and your child. If he has a known history of being violent, it only makes sense that you wouldn't want to be around him.

Having a mental illness does not excuse his behavior. This is a hot topic right now in the news and brings about a lot of discussion and debate. IMO, having a disorder may explain his violent behavior, but doesn't excuse it.

If your gut tells you that you cannot trust him, you need to trust that instinct and respect it. It's tough, because it sounds like you're afraid of angering your in-laws, but in the end, the safety of you and your daughter is not something you should compromise. If he does go through treatment and/or your feelings change, you can invite him back into your lives. How do you feel about your husband having a relationship with him?

[Satori]

I don't have any problem with my husband having a relationship with his brother, but he doesn't really want to. What he did in the past was wait for his brother to call and ask if he could come over, and he always said yes. Then he mostly left him for me to deal with.

I'm not really afraid of angering my in-laws by continuing to refuse contact with him, but we've already had a lot of trouble getting along because of dysfunction in the family. I am trying to make up with them, but I have a feeling that they might make acceptance of the BIL a condition of reconciliation, and I would not be comfortable with that. Apart from fearing any potential violence (a particular concern since BIL now thinks I'm awful for thinking he is violent), I don't have a very good opinion of him right now. It is not his fault that he is ill and has trouble controlling his anger and his impulses, but he refuses to believe he is ill and despite a history of violence, he continued to refuse to go to therapy (he would not have had to pay for any treatment, so money was not an issue), hide his anti-psychotic medications, and do things like staying up all night playing video games. If he had been violent only once and had sought help, that would have been one thing -- but despite continuing violent rages, he refused to change his behavior. Yes, I do blame him for that, although I don't know how much I can reasonably expect.