criticizing me and "gaslighting" to our children

[Go Fish]

Hello,

I've learned a lot from these boards. Thank you!

Just wondering if you have any suggestions for when uBPDh says untrue things about me, my motivations, feelings, actions, etc. The latest was that he told your youngest that I'm forgetful because I have Alzheimer's (she told me, and I was too angry to confront him directly). This is not true, and I'm not overly forgetful, just a lot to do each day.

I've had good results with leaving when he or I are angry, with whatever level of validation in regular conversation, but not so good with boundaries. I slept in a different room last night, and told him this morning I expected to be treated with civility and respect and I didn't want him saying things about me to our children. He didn't say anything, just something like I always have problems.

I am concerned because our children are pre-teen/teen and sometimes I wonder if he is successful in turning them against me. They show their love still, but if they are angry or disappointed, they turn on me.

He won't ever admit the problem or get help. I am in a situation where on the whole, with children, it would be very tough to leave, financially, socially, and emotionally. He knows that and I think he's taking advantage of it. Any advice? Thank you and all my best to all of you struggling too.

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[yeeter]

Hey Fish,




First.  I don't have any magic suggestions.

Mywife is constantly portraying me in a negative light to my kids.  To the community.  To family, friends, etc.  Here is what I do:

I let her.  I can't in any way control what she chooses to do/say.  I can't monitor her 24/7.  If I were worried about what she was saying to who all the time,  would go crazy (and was doing this at one point)  At the advice of some other close friends, I simply own my own behavior, walk the walk, and let her talk play itself out over time.  It's helped that I have started having more direct interaction with the social network, for them to see firsthand who i am. (one piece of feedback I heard was, 'Yeeter is just a regular guy like everyone else'. It seems I was being portrayed pretty negatively to this person and his wife.

I find the same with my children.  They are only 8, 6, and 4.  But already the 8yo comp,etely gets it, and the 6yo already is clearly adapting behaviors to manage/cope.  By the time they are pre teens they are going to have most of it figured out.

Will be interesting to hear from others because I can use some tips myself.  Yes it's been damaging to my psyche, and reputation.  But it seems over the long run it's sorting itself out ((there have been a couple people approach me over the last year and share that they see it.  The very first time that happened brought tears to my eyes... .  The validation that I'm really not all that terrible of a person)

[sunshine40]

Your actions do speak louder than words. And I am sure that preteens will see right through potentially sarcastic comments about you having "alsheimer's".

I understand them using things against you though because my oldest did that throughout her teen years. When she was not getting what she wanted, she would use the hot button tactics her father used against me. From HER I learned I could walk away and let her know it ain't gonna work on me... and she would use how I argue when she was arguing with her father, sos to push his buttons. She got really good at that and my H noticed it and was able to point it out to me what she was doing.

Yeeter is right. Others will see through stories made about you as they get to know you... .  or get to experience your H doing something similarly "off" in their presence. I was told a couple of years ago by a friend that people at church realized the stress I was under because of my H's insecurities. Nobody had actually said anything to me (or him) about it

for over fifteen years. I thought they beleived him, didn't notice, or didn't care. I just never knew what other people's opinions were until I decied to open up about my H's behavior.  Just be yourself. People know who you really are. They really know who your H is (if they have been around him long enough or just ONCE when he dyregulates). It's okay. I've learned that people care about you, they just have NO idea what they are up  against, and choose wisely whom you share with. Some people make it worse by knowing.