Hi HardHabitToBreak and
I want to know why my dBPDx has to keep rallying around her friends to keep the abuse alive on her behalf. Why does she deny me herself and to others? How can she let them bash me in public and private outing all my secrets and not defend me? She doesnt join, but feeds them and has them do her dirty work. They claim to speak for her and she wont refute it. She has never said any of these things to me herself.
If your ex is a pwBPD (person with BPD) then what you are experiencing is called a "distortion campaign." She is rallying others to subscribe to her distorted recollection of your relationship and the subsequent break-up. I would guess that when she is having her "pity party" she truly does believe that you abused her during your relationship with her.
I would guess that she doesn't just "allow" them to bash you in public but she encourages them to do so. Because for them to subscribe to her distortions, her delusions, is a way of reinforcing them and validating them in her head. She never said any of these things to you directly because at the time she was with you, she probably didn't experience these disordered feelings quite so intensely, or then she was motivated to hide them from you (her disordered feelings) for fear of abandonment (i.e., that you would leave her if you were made aware of her disordered feelings).
In fact, she wrote me a kinda nice email last wk.saying she doesnt hate me or wish me anything bad. Yet she wont call them off. Even strangers know her "story" and attack me with it like im the worst guy to ever walk the earth.
She didn't "hate" you or "wish [you] anything bad" at the time that she wrote the e-mail because she at that moment she needed something from you (probably some kind of validating response) but when she doesn't need something from you, when she is not idealizing you, then she is devaluing you. She probably does hate you and wish for you bad things.
Strangers know her story because she actively seeks out strangers to communicate her distorted tale of woe. It is important for her to maintain her delusions when she feels vulnerable.
She starts it then sits back not responding while im fed to the lions. To me, continuing to be accosted by others this long later shows she still doesnt think ive paid enough price for "hurting" her. What more can i do? Ive asked for peace, mercy, negotiate. But NONE of these ppl will accept my appeal. :)oes that mean theyre disordered too? This has gotten really bad. How was she able to turn so many against me? If i heard some of the sruff shes saying, i would never be able to just go with it.
She was able to "turn so many against" you because she is the only one of you two mounting a campaign. Moreover, she is very sincere and her emotions are very believable because she really does feel them. However, no one except you has any reason to suspect that she is disordered. Or if anyone else did, they would also be the subject of such a distortion campaign (i.e., character assassination).
No one will accept your appeal because your reasonable response may only reinforce her distorted account of you. For example, she probably accused of you being an angry person, so when "strangers" come and ask you why you abused her, you will react (expectedly) in an angry way, thus reinforcing her account of you. Or she told them that you abuse her and constantly deny abusing her, so are they surprised when you deny abusing her? She was probably a "waif" (helpless) when she communicated her distorted story. Most people want to be the "hero" that "rescues" the damsel in distress. No one wants to suspect that the apparently helpless person who is wailing and crying to be a manipulative disordered person. They would have to consider (with humility) that they were duped into believing her in the first place and everyone wants to believe themselves to be a good judge of character even though few people have such revealing experiences with personality disordered people.
I have a professional name i am known by in my field and announcements are made frequently when something is published. Ive had ppl act suddenly strange to me and know its because theyve been contacted by this group.
You have to defend your professional reputation, but understand that you two will be fighting with different motivations. You are trying to protect your good name. She is trying to deal with her disordered feelings and emotions albeit in a dysfunctional manner. I would venture to say that she will be more strongly motivated than you.
Ive read here for months and really want some explaination for my direct situation and advice. Will she ever make this stop the same way she started it? When has a BPD had enough? :)oes she want me back? Never.
Here's the thing, so long as she needs someone to devalue, she's going to choose you until someone else more conveniently takes that role. Perhaps when she idealizing the next person and her disordered feelings start to build again, then it will be more convenient for her to blame the other person for her disordered feelings.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
