He called for real help-then broke it off (long)

[wdone]

Progress, and 3 steps back? Or just more severe push/pull?

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life. That said,

my bf and I had a good New years eve. We talked again about "doing the whole deal"--he brought it up as usual.  I was clear, loving, and grounded about what my needs are and what I wanted for ME in my life, not putting it on him--I also said I may be open to being with him, and not having a baby--we were both calm and had a good talk and a good time at the party we went to that night. He was agitated when I picked him up from the airport after he had been at home, though.  ANd he did say he was thinking he would come back, and pack up and go back and live with his parents.  He also said he could see us getting together and having a baby and he was confused "now".

HE stayed at my house for 3 days, and then started getting more dysregulated.  He started with the syaing thigns over and over (kind of autistic behavior), then sobbing and drooling, then yelling and berating himself.  It was the worst I have ever seen him. He did tell me how his dad screamed at him many times how he was a loser and he messed up his life and that he needed to do something about it and grow up and get himself together.

I think he was in total PTSD from his dad's abuse/childhood stuff.

I did a good job of just supporting him while doing my thing--cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, calling friends back, goign to the store, and I did make us several good meals.

I finally told him firmly that he MUST do something, that this was out of control and did he want the phone numbers of places that might be able to help him?  he said yes and he called the crisis line at a local mental health agency.  he called in front of me and he was pretty upfront and honest.  he seemed relieved and when he hung up he started berating himself again and blaming me a bit.

he said there was nothing wrong with him and that he was just being in slef pity and that i just wanted him to be sick. he went into the bedroom and shut the door and told me to leave him alone. he came out an hour later fine.  an hour later, the crying/weeping started again. and the anger.

next morning, i awoke to him frantically getting his clothes on.  i asked him what he was doing, and he (deer in the headlights look) said he was ":)YING HERE. I AM DYING. I CAN'T BE NEAR YOU. I AM DYING. I HAVE TO GO."

that was about 7 days ago. i did not call him or text him at all. i spoke to him about 4 days ago and he said he did call and follow up, made an appointment at that agency and went to his intake appointment. he said maybe he does needs meds.

i asked him about him moving home to his parents and he said "no way. i am not speaking to them!" when he returned from seeing them, he was all dysregulated but was being very intent on moving in with them.

so, i then get a text yesterday morning saying he wants to break up. 

i text back (maybe wrong approach) that i didnt understand, and why dont we pause as he has been so stressed out, and that he has said this 600 times and i don;t know what to trust... etc...

and he calls me RAGING into the phone, and i hung up and texted him that i will talk to him when he is not yelling at me.

he texts me last night that i can get rid of his stuff or that he will come get it "with a 3rd party this weekend."

i have been spinning.

i thought i was doing so well, and it all caught up with me.

just typing this out and sharing this is helpful for me to see the insane behavior. i have to not take it personally. i have to stay away from beleiving him when he blames it all on me.

i'm feeling very anxious as i don't know what he will do, or what he means when he says it.

i went to alanon yesterday and called some friends but no one gets it like you guys on here.

i am so grateful he is seeking help.  i pray he gets the right help.  i am trying to let go and focus on me.  but i am nervous about this weekend.  i feel crazy cause of the crazy making.  i don't know what to say or do, if anything.

he is still blaming me... .  and i know he is not going to get better until he looks at himself.

i have to try to drop "bringing him back"--it has worked in the past--i will remind him of things, or talk to him in a way that helps him stop the paranoia and blaming and fear... .  but it is not my job... .  or is it... .  

i need sleep.  im going to nap and rest today and try to focus on peace.

any feedback would be great. thanks. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi wdone,

Im so sorry you are going through this right now.  It seems to me that you have been handling all this really well from what you have written.  I can hear the fear and angst regarding the weekend, so can YOU have someone with you this weekend? a trusted friend? someone for support when and if your bf decides to follow through with gathering his things?

He sounds like he's in a pretty rough place right now, and stepping back and taking good care of yourself is more than likely the best and only productive thing you can do.

Big hugs, keep posting, there are others here who will be able to give you good ideas.

CiF

[elemental]

I agree. You did everything you could. He is so disregulated at this point that it's best for you to focus on yourself and let him go calm down on his own.

Once he calms, his head will clear and he can act more productively.

I am sorry, how very stressful and upsetting for you to have this happening. Cardinal is right, please someone with you when he arrives, you could probably use the support too.

[patientandclear]

Hi Wdone -- I've been wondering how things were doing.  Agree with everyone you've handled this awfully well.  Now, in terms of its impact on you ... .  

First, just know, for sure: whatever he says now, or this weekend, or does this weekend, it is not the end.  How many times have you been around this track? He is all over the place, and he will continue to be all over the place.  He will again want to be with you (the upside of ever-changing BPD emotions is that they are ... .  ever-changing). But you don't need to point that out to him.  I would just let him go if he needs to go right now.  As I'm sure you will.

Second, though: seems to me he is at sort of a critical point and he may need to do some deep digging at this juncture if he is ever going to manage any genuine healing.  He may have to "lose you" for a while to make his way down that road. I know for my uBPDex, learning to be happy on his own is a full time undertaking that he is now seriously committed to.  Feeling deeply connected to me, wanting me, deriving happiness from me -- those feelings threaten his progress down that path, or at least he feels so, and it makes sense, for someone who's spent his whole life hoping love from another person would make everything better.

So that idea that your r/s, in some of its manifestations, might threaten his ability to get well -- I think there's some validity to that.

Can you really step back, and tell him you'll be his friend while he navigates whatever comes next, and you remain open to another kind of relationship if he is able to do that at some point, and try to remove the sense of failure and loss that he undoubtedly is feeling or will shortly feel about you?  It takes some of the pressure off this next stage for both of you.

I know you have mastered the art of giving him space, and you know that doesn't fix anything per se either, but it really seems to me like he is at some sort of crossroads where he might need to be alone in order to make any progress -- though being alone doesn't guarantee the progress.

It seems clear that he needs DBT or other BPD-targeted therapy.  I might consider making 6 months of that a requirement for renewing a romantic r/s, assuming he wants that at that point, and saying that until he reaches that point, you'll be his friend.  Pressure off (for both of you).  As you've heard me say before, I can (barely) deal with these swings & comings & goings with my uBPDex "friend." If he were my lover & supposed to be my partner, it would just be too hard.

Let us know how you're faring.

xxoo

P&C

[wdone]

i'm glad i posted--i was convincing myself that he will not come this weekend, and if history proves correct, he won't.  but reading how you all responded, maybe i should have someone here.  my stomach is in knots again and heart pounding.  

i don't really think he will get his things... .  but maybe he will... .  

yes, i will ask a girlfriend to be here with me-i do have plans for sat day, sat night, and sunday night so i won't even be here much.

i don't want to go here, but i wondered what the law says about say, if i wasnt here, the police knocking the door down? he did "abandon his things" ?  i am not ready for him to come to my house and get his things.  at all. but they are his things.  i think i would feel violated and in the dark if he came over without calling me and if he made it a big drama with a "3rd party"... .  

maybe i'm getting ahead of myself but he is so unpredicatable and so paranoid--and he has mentioned "calling the police" before, for no reason other than he "didn't feel safe" and this was when he was at his place and i was at mine and we weren;t even talking or arguing.  

his text said that "you can do whatever you want with my stuff, or i can come get it with a 3rd party this weekend."

i have heard him say its over so many times and also that i can do whatever i can with his stuff. he has never said he's really going to get his stuff.

no idea. anxiety.

going to the gym... .  saying positive affirmations... .  

[wdone]

Hi Wdone -- I've been wondering how things were doing.  Agree with everyone you've handled this awfully well.  Now, in terms of its impact on you ... .  

First, just know, for sure: whatever he says now, or this weekend, or does this weekend, it is not the end.  How many times have you been around this track? He is all over the place, and he will continue to be all over the place.  He will again want to be with you (the upside of ever-changing BPD emotions is that they are ... .  ever-changing). But you don't need to point that out to him.  I would just let him go if he needs to go right now.  As I'm sure you will.



Second, though: seems to me he is at sort of a critical point and he may need to do some deep digging at this juncture if he is ever going to manage any genuine healing.  He may have to "lose you" for a while to make his way down that road. I know for my uBPDex, learning to be happy on his own is a full time undertaking that he is now seriously committed to.  Feeling deeply connected to me, wanting me, deriving happiness from me -- those feelings threaten his progress down that path, or at least he feels so, and it makes sense, for someone who's spent his whole life hoping love from another person would make everything better.

So that idea that your r/s, in some of its manifestations, might threaten his ability to get well -- I think there's some validity to that.

Can you really step back, and tell him you'll be his friend while he navigates whatever comes next, and you remain open to another kind of relationship if he is able to do that at some point, and try to remove the sense of failure and loss that he undoubtedly is feeling or will shortly feel about you?  It takes some of the pressure off this next stage for both of you.

I know you have mastered the art of giving him space, and you know that doesn't fix anything per se either, but it really seems to me like he is at some sort of crossroads where he might need to be alone in order to make any progress -- though being alone doesn't guarantee the progress.

It seems clear that he needs DBT or other BPD-targeted therapy.  I might consider making 6 months of that a requirement for renewing a romantic r/s, assuming he wants that at that point, and saying that until he reaches that point, you'll be his friend.  Pressure off (for both of you).  As you've heard me say before, I can (barely) deal with these swings & comings & goings with my uBPDex "friend." If he were my lover & supposed to be my partner, it would just be too hard.

Let us know how you're faring.

xxoo

P&C

thank you...

i have felt like maybe *i'm* not capable of dealing with a romantic relationship right now with him, and i  texted him that i had some ideas around space for myself and for him, (that included maybe some "friend time", some major space so he and i can get our stuff together more). i did not go into specifics. it is very hard for me to say the "friend" word to him.   --he has not texted me back since. i think i am "the enemy" right now. he seems terrified.

when we spoke last, he said he has no interest in dating anyone else. 

i know he needs to feel ok on his own and this was his big reason for ending it--that he goes into little boy mode with me and let's me "mother him"... which i have made a point not to do for while now. which he recognized.

it's more a feeling in him, that i think you were eluding to, that he feels incapable and not like a man. he may never feel the way he wants to feel, especially with this disorder.  but i get it... and we have taken space many times before and he says he didn't change.  but, yes, maybe now with a dr on board hopefully and some proper treatment hopefully, maybe he can get stable. 

i do want him in my life.  it may be hard for me, just being "friends" but semantics are kind of a joke for us anyway. we are what we are no matter what we say... .  

[yeeter]

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life.

Just thought I would reiterate this point.     

[patientandclear]

I doubt he'll get his stuff too.  He doesn't seem to be able to stay on the same page for six hours, let alone 4 days.

But I would try to take that off your list of things to worry about by telling him: the door will be open if I'm not home.  Of course, you can get your things.  I am happy to have you leave them as well.

... .  and thus sort of make the whole drama a non-issue.  I'm sure it's a symbolic gesture & a simple acceptance by you may drain it of its significance.

I think the larger question is what you make of where you are right now.  This is a huge mess.  You surely don't want to have a kid with a dad who threatens to leave or does leave like this ... .  right?  I was in a r/s like that with my daughter's dad and let me tell you, having to worry about the emotional/physical well-being of a child amidst such a dynamic just adds about 10 times the weight, panic & stress.

You love him.  He loves you.  It seems like those facts are beyond dispute.

He also is not in a place where he can process intimacy in a good way a lot of the time.

It would be really good for his own sake if he would finally choose to seriously do something about this.

I think you need to let him fix it -- or not.  I hope he does.  He sounds like a lovely and very worthwhile person.  But at some point he needs to tackle what messes him up so profoundly, for his own sake.  You as an alternative strategy for soothing, could actually be impeding his journey down that very difficult road.  Again, I do think that was (and to some degree still is) the case for my ex.  His instinct is to draw on me as a source of happiness and he really needs not to do that.  A lover is his drug of choice.  He is trying to exist and derive happiness from other sources, and my standing by ready & willing to be the drug doesn't help.

That doesn't mean you guys can't find your way back together when he has some skills.  Not at all.  But it seems like you've run the experiment about how it's going to be when he's untreated, and you know for sure: it's going to be like this.  I think you both deserve a chance at a better dynamic.

[patientandclear]

i do want him in my life.  it may be hard for me, just being "friends" but semantics are kind of a joke for us anyway. we are what we are no matter what we say... .  

I am with you completely on this ... .  what I've found though is that the semantics somehow are really important to him.  He needs to know that he is on his own in some important way, and the friends thing is how he knows it.

I've found it doesn't mean we are any less important to one another.  Probably the opposite.  Our relationship is more real and deeper with this boundary.  It reminds me of you asking if he wanted to abstain from sex before marriage and him gratefully accepting that suggestion ... .  sometimes you are being more loving by observing these boundaries and that love brings you closer together, even if you are calling it "friendship," not having sex, whatever.

I want to reiterate that I can't imagine you are going to lose him no matter the details of the next week or month.  Or that he is going to go be with someone else.  I know he says words like "break up" but as you say, you guys are what you are to each other.

[wdone]

I re read your post ... .  

The third party coming with him to get his stuff... .  

Been there... .  It was him, his best friend, a police escort, followed by a restraining order!

The thing is... .  Being in the past, and having detachment from it... .  I can see how at the time I bought into the drama... .  And it's very hard to resist when situations are that escalated... .  

For example... .  Had I stayed very calm I would have said you are welcome to get your things any time ... .  But no... .  I said I don't want you any where near me... .  Drama drama drama... .  

My goal for 2013... .  To be as cool as a cucumber... .  No matter what!

They need stability and consistancy... .  

Ugh. this is what i am afraid of.  he has threatened it before... when he is off.  yes, it would be very hard for me to maintain serenity and detachment if he showed up with the police.  how did you handle it? can you be more specific? what happened? 

[wdone]

and, yes, him getting his things is a HUGE trigger for me. i admit that, and he knows that.

it would take a miracle for me to say i am fine with it.

i think its ok for me to say i am not ready for that?

he has lived without them for over 9 months? he doesnt need them right now.

also, i swear he is testing me, like he does... .  to see if i'll let go and i don't think he wants me to.

?

[patientandclear]

and, yes, him getting his things is a HUGE trigger for me. i admit that, and he knows that.

it would take a miracle for me to say i am fine with it.

i think its ok for me to say i am not ready for that?

he has lived without them for over 9 months? he doesnt need them right now.

also, i swear he is testing me, like he does... .  to see if i'll let go and i don't think he wants me to.

?

I'm afraid there is only one correct answer to the issue of his things.  "Absolutely -- come and get them."

And of course, the more you take that position, the less likely he is to come and get them.  But you have to mean it.  Your relationship isn't going to survive because his stuff is at your house.  Freeing him to come get it if he wants is an important part of the foundation for any successful relationship with him.

You can't hang onto him.  As you know.  You have to open your hand and if he stays, he stays; if he flies, he flies, though he will doubtless fly back.

The business about testing.  You can't win that.  That formula is "I will do X hurtful thing and if you let me go, that proves you weren't committed; but if you keep me, I will need to test you again tomorrow, and the test needs to get harder.  Because I can never just say 'I accept that she loves me and will never doubt it again.'  I always doubt & always will."  So sure, it's a test, but the only way you can respond is by opening your hand and making clear that this is all voluntary, it is all his choice, and he is free to choose among the options that are viable to you given your boundaries.

[123Phoebe]

Hi wdone

It sounds like your boyfriend gets to this 'breaking point' that it's do or die, in his case do and die (commitment feels like an uncertain death, even though he's the one initiating it - hello BPD!), and it scares the you know what out of him.  Black & White.  To the point of absolutely freaking out, with no shades of gray... .  

I agree with what patientandclear has to say about opening your hand and letting him fly.  It's the only way in any relationship; to let others be themselves and accept them for who they are.  My only exception for you is not to go the friend route.  It's obvious that you do not want to be only his 'friend' and I can understand why... .   

How about trying the 'dating' route?  It's the same concept, in that, you detach emotionally from his comings and goings, giving him space and whatnot, but when you do get together it's in the form of a lover-relationship.  You can have wonderful times together without the heavy baggage that comes even with a friend.  Also giving you the space to determine if what he's offering is what you ultimately want.

It just seems that you're both very emotionally enmeshed with each other, so that anything out of sync becomes a trigger-fest.  The same will happen in a friendship until you both get grounded in your own identities.  This isn't a put-down in any way, it's pretty darned normal considering the tempo of your relationship, to be emotionally bonded.  The crux is the 'bond' that has been established between you.  I think I would want to untangle that knot.

What if you were to say to him, that because you love him, you want what's best for both of you, but obviously the way things are isn't really working... .    And that you understand his need to flee at times, because honestly, you feel the same way too at times.  BUT, because you feel so wound up in him, you would like to simple things down a bit and take it slower.  Date.  Get to know each other on a different wave-length.  Put the past to rest, all the baggage and hardships that you've exposed to one another and continue forward in a healthier way; building up your own identities separate from one another, while in proper therapy.  And see what happens, because the way things are now is just too disruptive to your inner-workings.

Do you think something like that might work for you?  And even though you know his 'dysfunction' will rear its head, you'll be grounded enough to work the tools when an issue arises?  While detached enough to not let it bring you down to low levels?  Yet still going forward with romantic notions? 

 

[wdone]

Hi wdone

It sounds like your boyfriend gets to this 'breaking point' that it's do or die, in his case do and die (commitment feels like an uncertain death, even though he's the one initiating it - hello BPD!), and it scares the you know what out of him.  Black & White.  To the point of absolutely freaking out, with no shades of gray... .  

I agree with what patientandclear has to say about opening your hand and letting him fly.  It's the only way in any relationship; to let others be themselves and accept them for who they are.  My only exception for you is not to go the friend route.  It's obvious that you do not want to be only his 'friend' and I can understand why... .   

How about trying the 'dating' route?  It's the same concept, in that, you detach emotionally from his comings and goings, giving him space and whatnot, but when you do get together it's in the form of a lover-relationship.  You can have wonderful times together without the heavy baggage that comes even with a friend.  Also giving you the space to determine if what he's offering is what you ultimately want.

It just seems that you're both very emotionally enmeshed with each other, so that anything out of sync becomes a trigger-fest.  The same will happen in a friendship until you both get grounded in your own identities.  This isn't a put-down in any way, it's pretty darned normal considering the tempo of your relationship, to be emotionally bonded.  The crux is the 'bond' that has been established between you.  I think I would want to untangle that knot.

What if you were to say to him, that because you love him, you want what's best for both of you, but obviously the way things are isn't really working... .    And that you understand his need to flee at times, because honestly, you feel the same way too at times.  BUT, because you feel so wound up in him, you would like to simple things down a bit and take it slower.  Date.  Get to know each other on a different wave-length.  Put the past to rest, all the baggage and hardships that you've exposed to one another and continue forward in a healthier way; building up your own identities separate from one another, while in proper therapy.  And see what happens, because the way things are now is just too disruptive to your inner-workings.

Do you think something like that might work for you?  And even though you know his 'dysfunction' will rear its head, you'll be grounded enough to work the tools when an issue arises?  While detached enough to not let it bring you down to low levels?  Yet still going forward with romantic notions? 

 

yes, i appreciate your ideas...  

i have thought about "dating."  (him/others?)  i doubt i could date others as well but we have actually talked about it--him being the one to bring that one up as well (about me dating other men) and then him getting very upset about the thought., and him saying he is not interested in dating anyone else.

i would love for him to call me or text me about this weekend.  i think i am going to send him a text asking him what he would like to do with his stuff for now. 

as i was praying yesterday, i had an inisght about it. 

when he was "gone" for 4 months recently, i tried to communicate with him about his things and kept saying we had to figure out the logistics.he never responded about it and i was frustrated and upset.

when we "got back together," i did tell him i had been advised to donate his things, or put them out on the street  or sell them. i told him i couldn't do that, i also told him it was very painful for me to look at his things while we "were broken up."

SO, it hit me yesterday that he is probably anticiptaing a similar response from me and he was offering to get his stuff if i wanted.  i was gratefulf or the insight.  i did text him "i am totally ok with you leaving your things here."

(his text about it a few days ago, again, said, "you can do whatever you want with my things or i can come get them with a 3rd party"--it did not say, "i'm coming to get my things." or " i want my stuff"

as if he was doign it for my sake.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi again,

I have a suggestion, it may not feel good, it may not be possible, but here goes... .  pack up whatever is in plain sight to cause YOU pain, do NOT text him!  all of this back\forth is feeding him, IMO.  I would be the one to go silent, get on with your life as best you can.  it is WAY EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

This is entirely for your benefit, from one who has been there, done that... .  

Keep posting, that too wll get you over the hump.

CiF

[patientandclear]

WD, I bet you are right about where the topic of his things is coming from.

[wdone]

Hi again,

I have a suggestion, it may not feel good, it may not be possible, but here goes... .  pack up whatever is in plain sight to cause YOU pain, do NOT text him!  all of this back\forth is feeding him, IMO.  I would be the one to go silent, get on with your life as best you can.  it is WAY EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

This is entirely for your benefit, from one who has been there, done that... .  

Keep posting, that too wll get you over the hump.

CiF

he has a dresser (heavy), a bed in the guest room, and a whole bunch of dishes,pots, pans etc, most of which are put in one storage closet. he has some paintings and random things that i (long ago) put away as well... .  so i only see the dresser on a regular basis.  when we weren't talking that time recently, i did put things away. thank you for the suggesiton

as for not texting him... .  mmm... .  i don't know... and i can't really "move on" hard as i try.  what did you mean, feeding him?

[wdone]

WD, I bet you are right about where the topic of his things is coming from.

Thanks, i do, too.   

[wdone]

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life.

Just thought I would reiterate this point.     

thanks... i need this reiterated. a lot.  

[yeeter]

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life.

Just thought I would reiterate this point.     

thanks... i need this reiterated. a lot.  

Well then, one more time:

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life

[wdone]

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life.

Just thought I would reiterate this point.     

thanks... i need this reiterated. a lot.  

Well then, one more time:

I need to focus on getting more sleep, eating well, and doing what I need to do in my life

got it. doin' it.

[Cardinals in Flight]

wdone asked...

"what did you mean, feeding him?"

By "feeding him", I mean that any type of text/email conversation with you is contact, it's letting him know that he has you listening to him, therefore emotionally hooked.  Does that make sense?  It feels like to me, and this is just me, that in the reading of everything you have written here that this is a very emotionally volatile period for the two of you, and so, in order to ratchet this back, the only part of it that you can have any control over is you.  So if you stop 'feeding him' information (anything to do with you), the two of you, but mostly you, can begin to let the dust settle and perhaps gain some clarity without the emotion of trying to analyze every text/email for meaning or putting meaning to something that may in fact not be in the text.

And, this may sound harsh, I do not mean to be, but by you telling him that you are totally ok with him leaving his things, you are telling him he can keep behaving in the manner that he is right now, thus keeping you in a state of flumox whenever he gets upset.  What I'm suggesting isn't No Contact, fwiw that did not feel good to me either, but Lighter Contact, more sporadic, less predictable?

In my own r/s with my pwBPD, keeping a running text conversation in the midst of turmoil just kept feeding the frenzied cat, instead of the docile cat.  See? I'm a labrador puppy trying to be in a r/s with a cat, .

Anyway, I feel for you girl, I really do!  This time last year I was a big old mess and it's really really hard to put it all into perspective while we are right in the center of the BPD storm.

CiF

[wdone]

update: i sent a text saying i wasn't comfortable with him just showing up to get his stuff, so was wondering if he could please tell me what his plans were around getting his things this weekend, and he did text back

"i wouldn't just show up to get my stuff. i don't care about it. keep it or sell it."

hmmpf.

i am worried about him. 

and grateful he communicated, so i don't spend the weekend wondering if he and a police officer were going to knock on the door.

i must learn to trust my gut. i know him.

[123Phoebe]

update: i sent a text saying i wasn't comfortable with him just showing up to get his stuff, so was wondering if he could please tell me what his plans were around getting his things this weekend, and he did text back

"i wouldn't just show up to get my stuff. i don't care about it. keep it or sell it."

hmmpf.

i am worried about him.  

and grateful he communicated, so i don't spend the weekend wondering if he and a police officer were going to knock on the door.

i must learn to trust my gut. i know him.

Wdone, have you read through the Lessons?  There are so many nuggets of wisdom right here at your fingertips ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

I realize it's hard to implement some of the tools we learn here while in the throes of the dysfunction, but one of the main things to keep in mind is 'how do I stop making this worse?'  Jumping to worse case scenarios (boyfriend coming over with a cop and knocking the door down) and then acting on that feeling by looking to him for direction (texting him about his plans for picking up his things), is not helping to make this situation better, for you or for him.  It's DRAMA!

His text response back to you is pretty much how I would figure it would go.  Just like it did the last time you went through this loop-de-loop with him.  Sounds like he really doesn't care about his 'things', or he would get them.  

With that thought in mind (he doesn't care about his things), how will you proceed in taking care of you?






 

[Steph]

I hope he goes to the mental health eval. I am pretty sure there is much more than pure BPD at work here.

   Having said that, when I started working in psych, a co worker told me to remember this, and it is true " You cant make sense out of crazy"

What you describe doesnt make sense because there is a whole lot going on inside of him that no one has access to. It terrifies him, whatever it is.

In any case, are you getting that rest, and good food that you need? How about exercise?