doing work then getting upset that you didnt help/offer to help.

[Winglessfallen]

I've notice dBPDgf has a tendancy to do something, like house work, even getting in a light hearted conversation during and seem happy, and turn it around later and be extremely upset and say how selfish and lazy I am for not helping, doing it for her or offering to help.  To me, if you're doing it and choosing to do it and not asking for help, even acting completely fine with it, mean you are fine with doing it.  I don't know if I look at it wrong, or if she's reacting in a bad way.  Anybody else get that?

[thefisherman]

Yes.  In my life there are many variations:

The classic, she does something, you don't, she gets mad.

You start asking if you can help and she will get upset with how you do it

Even better, she will ask why she has to get up to do something before you will ask if you can help.   

Another variation: you ask if you can help.  She will tell you she doesn't want to control what you do.  But if you sit again... .  or do something non-work... .  go back to the original.

Is that a BPD think?  I don't know.  I do know the response to offers for help depend both on how they are offered and her mood.

I also know any decent roommate must do his share of housework. If you aren't, take this as a cue, make a list of chores, agree on how often they need to happen and split them up.  Finally... .  ACTUALLY DO THEM.

A good way to help your SO feel loved (BPD or not) is to do things they do not enjoy doing.  Does she hate dishes?  Hate cleaning the shower?  Hate sweeping?  Do them.  Regularly.

This does not mean you are a slave.  It means you are an adult.

Of course, it can cross the line.  But dishes should usually be done every day.  Laundry every week.  Showers cleaned once a week.  Floors swept once a week.  Less is ok if everyone agrees.  So is more. 

[Washisheart]

UBPDbf doesn't do a lot of housework anymore but he used to. However he will do the stereotypical man work. And yes he complains "i don't know why I clean your car when you are only going to mess it up anyway." if I am home, he will NOT do housework alone . The whole family is cleaning.  He cooks. Is really good at it too.

My frustration is more financial. He is making all these plans for his money & we have   bills to pay and I do NOT want the entire financial burden falling on my shoulders again

[Shaktipat]

Hi guy,  I have the exact same variations with my husband. I think it's his way of creating drama where there is none.

[mitchell16]

yes I beleive this is very common. I know it happens with mine all the time. Our last blow up was over the very thing. She had to work, I was off. While she worked I did the dishes, took out the trash and went to the grocery store. When she got home she told me all I did was sit on my lazy ass while she worked. LOL I have asked mine what I can do to help her and she would tell me nothing in a very sarcastic tone. So I go back to what im doing and then she will tell me at a later time that I didnt help her. When I tell her I asked her what I could do and she would tell me  I shouldnt have to tell you you should know what I need done.

My got mad at me once for not washing her car while she was in it out of town. She had parked it at her job and took a company vehicle and left her car at work. I dont have keys to her vehicle. When she got off her trip she was mad about something and she said you could have washed my car while I was gone if you wanted to help me. When I told her I didnt have keys she said you make one excuse after another.

the list can go on and on.

[thefisherman]

When she got off her trip she was mad about something and she said you could have washed my car while I was gone if you wanted to help me. When I told her I didnt have keys she said you make one excuse after another.

the list can go on and on.

THAT is impressive. 

Mine stays closer to reality but still... .  with the "when I leave you with the kids you do nothing!"  She has no job.  She is at home all day.  Apparently if she is gone to a two hour meeting in the evening, I am supposed to conquer all the work she couldn't get done all day long while caring for a toddler, 5 yo, 10 yo, and 13 yo.  I emptied the dishwasher.  I loaded it again.  I made sure they all got fed, bathed, and ready for bed.  Isn't that what I was supposed to do?

My favorite though, is when she tells me I have no appreciation for what she does all day and I think she should be "super woman".  Um... .  no... .  I don't think you have to be superwoman.  In fact... .  DO LESS!

sigh... .  the good old days.

[Winglessfallen]

Mine stays closer to reality but still... .  with the "when I leave you with the kids you do nothing!"  She has no job.  She is at home all day.  Apparently if she is gone to a two hour meeting in the evening, I am supposed to conquer all the work she couldn't get done all day long while caring for a toddler, 5 yo, 10 yo, and 13 yo.  I emptied the dishwasher.  I loaded it again.  I made sure they all got fed, bathed, and ready for bed.  Isn't that what I was supposed to do?

My favorite though, is when she tells me I have no appreciation for what she does all day and I think she should be "super woman".  Um... .  no... .  I don't think you have to be superwoman.  In fact... .  DO LESS!

That's it exactly.  She is OCD so she runs literally all day.  Even when I'm taking care of the kids so she can rest when she's sick, she is constantly up cleaning or something.  She goes above and beyond normal cleaning at the weirdest times.  She recently broke her toe and is still doing laundry EVERY DAY and moving furniture to dust under it, and more. When I get home from work everything is done and I don't really HAVE anything to do.  But I still never do anything, and never appreciate her and etc.  I've told her to do less and not be so extreme about it, and she just snaps at me and calls me lazy and selfish.  I just don't even know which way is up.  And if I do do something and even mention it all of a sudden I'm "making a huge production out of the one little thing I did and I want all this acclaim for it."

[thefisherman]

Now... .  

Is this a BPD thing or a man/woman thing?

[Winglessfallen]

I think women can get upset about this, but at the same time, a woman who gets upset is going to relent and understand theres a limit to where they should stop.  They won't make it personal, and it they do, they will know to apologize.  A pwBPD will feel fully justified in anything that they react with.  Any insult or however far they take the whole thing will be perfectly acceptable and even the proper response to them.

At least thats how it seems.  An average woman, especially one that cares about the other person, will know they've gone too far over something small and try to mend the pieces, and eventually realize that the actions aren't directly personal.

[rollercoaster24]

Yep,

I hear you all...

I have a van that my uBP male partner got for me very cheap, ($100 to be precise!).

For a year now, I have been sourcing parts for it, (after the first failed inspection). I finally found them all through sheer patience, and economy... Around the middle of December just passed, BP had said that he was mostly finished with his project car... (that I paid for!), and that now, he wanted to do the necessary work on my van, so I could finally get it licensed... God help me if I had wanted it done sooner, and had to pay someone else to help!

He indicated that he wanted me to take it up there 'on a road permit', and he would do the work necessary on the inspection list so I could make it legally road worthy... Anytime was good he said, his parents didn't mind it going there for a short time etc... .  

So, after waiting a year to possibly finally get it finished and legal, I decided to phone the inspection people in his area, to see if there were any openings before Xmas... like he suggested I try... .  There was, the 24th December, so I booked it in... I had already discussed with BP that if he could do the three mechanical things, I would do the rest... The three mechanical things were not big jobs at all... I already know how long they take... And BP was to have the van for two weeks prior to the appointment...

As soon as I told BP I had booked it in for another inspection, he hit the roof big time... really nasty, abusive, and then later, calmed down, after hanging up a few times, and ranting at me like a lunatic... I just held the phone out from my ear, and giggled to myself...

I took it up that day, (the 13/12/12) and he didn't even do one single thing on it, (other than look it over with the list), for two weeks.

The day of the inspection, 24/12? he went off his rocker at me that morning because of the pressure I had put him under... yet it was he that left it until the last day, with only a couple of hours to do the work...

I felt so manipulated and confused...

The day before, the 23/12, I had been up there staying with him, and wanted to do a little stuff on it once it cooled down later in the day, given it was my van and all... He insisted I wasn't allowed to touch it, he wanted me to rest, with him... but I didn't rest, because I listened to BP talk about himself and the same old tired, crap drama that is his life, all day... in between buying him lunch, several coffees, smokes and petrol... soo frustrating...

When he nutted out the first time over me booking it in for an inspection, I was acting on his suggestion anyway... I had even said I would cancel the appointment if he didn't want to do it... and not to do everything on the list, there were things I was doing, and still could do... there were also a couple of minor electrical things that needed sorting, and I asked if he wanted me to take it to an auto electrician for those things... so as not to overload him with too much pressure... he hit the roof over that suggestion... ironically, the day of the inspection, he rang and asked that he may need to take it to exactly that and could I pay if need be... I said No worries...

Because he dug in his heels and left any work until hours before the inspection, I had to pay $94 for the new inspection again... not to mention 4 more road permits at $21 each... BP is trying to save me money he says!

So, because he left it until the 24/12 to work on it, (at 6.30am to be even more precise), I drove off to work in the morning, feeling sad because I just knew I was going to pay again and again, for BP doing anything for me! Why do I always regret letting him? even something simple turns into a major drama... in fact, everything involved with him is a constant daily drama... .  

I knew a couple of hours was no way enough time to complete the things on the original inspection list from a year before... I also knew that I would now have to pay another $65 on top of more permits, and the final licence fee if it passed, (grand total of $357 with licence plates). This did not include the $65 for that 2nd inspection and permits either...

So, of course it failed, but the guy didn't worry about anything much on the old list, he was more concerned with a couple of minor mechanical things... so it failed, and BP assured me that he would now fix those things and for me to book it back in as soon as he finished... Being very hot here and the temps were up in the forties, BP was only working on the van in the early morning hours, and then spent the afternoons in library aircons, or his parents air con to stay cool.

He insisted also that given it was very hot that week and uncomfortable in his shed, stuffy and very hot, for me not to come up like I normally would on a Saturday night or Thursday night... to stay at home and not run the car... he of course was driving his around all over the place, with a cooling system that is not good... and well in need of new coolant and a radiator flush.

He rang and said he had finished the van, around the 29/12, and book it in... So I luckily got a booking for 2/1/13. This time the guy that checked it gave BP a bit of a run around, but finally passed it... BP rang me very happy, and asked if I could come back up that day to license it. I did so, arriving around 2.45pm, just in time to drop by the centre and pay for the new plates and fees etc. Then drove back to BP's parents, where BP screwed the new plates on, and then wanted to take it for a drive...

That niceness only lasted for one day, then he was back to being nasty again...

I had offered a couple of times, (even though I know he owes me heaps) to pay him for working on the van, but he insisted NO...

Each day from then on, along with all his other emotional crap he dumps on me, I was also eternally reminded of how he worked like a dog under the hot sun for weeks on my van, and that if I wanted to pay him for his time, alright then, $20K should fix the amount of time he put into it...

What a jerk I thought... He wasn't working on it all day every day, he was sleeping in the afternoons, or at the library staying cool, I should know, because he was ringing me from payphones and telling me where he was each day... and it certainly was not under my van in the 43 degree heat...

Damned either way... that is how I feel in any of my dealings with BP over any thing... .  

[GreenTea]

And yes he complains "i don't know why I clean your car when you are only going to mess it up anyway."

This and "why do I bother doing anything around here. All people do is mess it up anyway." I hear this ALL the time!  My H stays at home and is a neat freak. I will offer to help when I come home from work and on the weekends. His response to me when I ask what can I do to help is either "nothing" or "open your eyes, if you see something that needs to be done, do it." Of course, what he sees and what I see are two different things. I don't go out of my way to look for dirt. I'm not about to open up the silverware drawer, dump it of its contents, and vacuum it out. (I have been yelled at about that at least 3 times before!)

The thing that strikes me as odd is the fact that I don't know of another person who spends as much time cleaning their home than my husband. How do people go places on the weekends? According to him, he has so much cleaning to do, he can't afford the time to go out and have fun. Grrrrr... .  What DOES he do all day while I'm at work and daughter is in school if he's also cleaning all weekend?

Hi guy,  I have the exact same variations with my husband. I think it's his way of creating drama where there is none.

This, I think, sums up their behaviors perfectly.

[Winglessfallen]

This and "why do I bother doing anything around here. All people do is mess it up anyway." I hear this ALL the time!  My H stays at home and is a neat freak. I will offer to help when I come home from work and on the weekends. His response to me when I ask what can I do to help is either "nothing" or "open your eyes, if you see something that needs to be done, do it." Of course, what he sees and what I see are two different things.

Smashed right through the nail on this one, GreenTea.  My GF told me she was OCD before we moved in together, and at first it seemed like one of those exaggerations of normal, slightly anal behaviors, like "I'm OCD about keeping my books organized."   But she has panic attacks and can't sleep if something is off.  I've hung curtains that are literally an 8th of an inch off and i can see her discomfort building and she will look at it for hours thinking about it.  And I've told her, let me know what to do, and she says the same things.  I have told her, "I just don't see that sort of thing, I don't really notice things being that dirty" and she says its an excuse.  She is constantly saying how she feels like she is endlessly doing laundry (specifically).  With 5 people in a house, there is a lot of laundry, but not enough to warrant (at least) a load a day, especially when we wear our clothes a couple times to limit laundry.  If there is no laundry she will pull all the sheets from the beds and wash them, if those are done, she'll pull linens from the closet.  She goes through my closet and just takes stuff of hangers to wash.  The other day, after she'd broken her toe, she complained that with the baby, who is now starting to walk, she can't rest.  He's really not that bad, but thats a different story, the kicker is that the day AFTER she broke it, she told me she moved all the furniture and dusted and washed, BY HAND, the floors.  Almost every day I walk in and she's on her knees with a wet paper towel, washing a small spot on the floor.  I have begun looking closer at the floor and trying to keep things cleaner to help her a bit, but I can't bring myself to that level of obsession, I want to do things a lot more than clean things.

Its all work that she makes up for herself.  Now, this isn't the BPD, I don't think.  Her anger from it, maybe, but this stuff is all a co-morbid OCD, in my opinion.