A Squandered Life?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now that I understand PDs and am well on the way to understanding my own FOO, I have moments of massive regret as all these lightbulb moments  shine the light on some of my very poor relationship choices!

Anybody else feel a bit sick, as you recover, and look back on 10, 20 or more years of bad selection?

I am relieved on the one hand - to be breaking the cycle. But on the other, I can list all of my partners (bar one) from the past 20 years and see huge PD elements in them. I was attracted to fixing and rescuing and enabling and DOING things to be loved, instead of believing I was loveable as I was.

I am not drawn to any of those attributes now, but have begun to lament 20 years of rubbish relationships... .  and feel 'played' a little bit

You?

BB12

[bb12]

Now that I understand PDs and am well on the way to understanding my own FOO, I have moments of massive regret as all these lightbulb moments  shine the light on some of my very poor relationship choices!

Anybody else feel a bit sick, as you recover, and look back on 10, 20 or more years of bad selection?

I am relieved on the one hand - to be breaking the cycle. But on the other, I can list all of my partners (bar one) from the past 20 years and see huge PD elements in them. I was attracted to fixing and rescuing and enabling and DOING things to be loved, instead of believing I was loveable as I was.

I am not drawn to any of those attributes now, but have begun to lament 20 years of rubbish relationships... .  and feel 'played' a little bit

You?

BB12

[myself]

It makes me think about how it's said when a horse bucks you off you get back on. But in this case, we were the ones bucking ourselves off, because we really took ourselves for that ride, and not only made bad choices but kept making them. We didn't know any differently at the time, though. We wouldn't be who and where we are today without having gone through all that stuff. Learn from the mistakes, that's another one that's said. We didn't squander life, we lived it. Some of it was good, some of it was not. I think what you're really saying is you feel you will not squander any more time, from here on, and will be making healthier choices. Let's ALL do that! I'm in. The bright light from those   does extend back into the past, as well as shining to help us see the path ahead. We're not who we used to be... .  We're even better now.

[bb12]

The bright light from those   does extend back into the past, as well as shining to help us see the path ahead. We're not who we used to be... .  We're even better now.

You're right Myself! My post way too grim. I am happy to have learned all of this and to be excited about my future again. Just wish the lesson could have been learned in half the time!' BB12

[doubleAries]

I find that sometimes looking back on those "squandered" years, I have lots of  moments about that too.

One example: recently seperated from my dX husband of 18 years. The entire time, he was cold, distant, and withdrawn. Was this fun for me? of course not. But I learned how to "self soothe", which I really needed to do. I learned how to better cope with rejection, which I really needed to do. I learned how to become more independent emotionally, instead of desperately grappling for someone else to give me the love and affection I didn't get growing up. From lots of these experiences, I've even learned something about "point of reference"--what and who I DON'T want to be (which forced me to think about who/what I DO want to be).

yeah, I often wish I could have learned these things some softer and easier way (like what?), but I've learned them. They're my lessons to take with me wherever I go. 

[myself]

The bright light from those   does extend back into the past, as well as shining to help us see the path ahead. We're not who we used to be... .  We're even better now.

You're right Myself! My post way too grim. I am happy to have learned all of this and to be excited about my future again. Just wish the lesson could have been learned in half the time!' BB12

Thanks. Your post was just right, though. You said what you felt to say when you wrote it. And I agree with what you said, and have felt all of that stuff too. Just earlier this evening in fact, going back through some past relationships, in my thoughts, seeing where I could have gone other ways with things but didn't. It's kind of frustrating, you can't go back and you're not sure about the future, either. But that's Life! One reason we even get frustrated is because we're not being our best selves in the present moment. Wish I could go back and change some stuff around, too, I would have done some of it differently, too. This here: Right Now, is the Past for what is Yet To Come, so let's do our best right now. Hey! We're already doing it! Thanks for sharing, your post did help me with some parts of what I'm dealing with today. Best wishes to you.

[P.F.Change]

Now that you know better, you can do better.

Then, you were not aware. You chose what felt familiar. That is completely normal human behavior. Now that you have more information and are learning more, you can choose differently. That is a very empowering thing, don't you think?

I certainly made some pretty poor choices in my past relationships. And it does feel a little icky to remember them. But I am a big believer in reframing things positively. I know was doing the best I knew how to do at the time. I don't see the sense in feeling shame about doing my best! I can think about all the things I learned from the way I behaved in those relationships; I can spot some of their traits as  s now when I meet new people.

What positive things can you take away from your past "mistakes?" Can they be "the learning years" instead of "the squandered years?"

Wishing you peace,

PF

[TeaAmongRoses]

Of course I felt really bad for myself for wasting all that time miserable in terrible relationships! I really feel it is healthy to feel sad for ourselves sometimes even if we understand our role it it it doesn't mean that there isn't real loss involved. Check out the thread "what doesn't kill you" - - - it is a funny set of statements that embody how truly damaged a lot of us feel as a result of being in these relationships. The real toll they've taken on our lives and how we do feel sometimes reduced as a person permanently.

I for one have PTSD as a result of my relationships and that means I'm more easily triggered and when I am triggered I reel and crash hard. Sure, sometimes I regret that reality, but more often than not, I'm just glad I know my limitations so I can go easier on myself in the future. Once and a while I feel bad that I seem to not be able to take the same risks as I felt I could before - I get too shaky, have too much anxiety, etc. But alas, I also think about how so many others also have limitations and I don't feel alone. Also, what is life but about having experiences? Surely having BPD partners is a deep experience - beneficial or not - it is deep! And we can relate to others who suffer around the world. My avatar is a warrior who represents that I'm still being courageous in life, perhaps a litle more protective of myself than before. Sometimes i think awareness is the greatest gift of all.

[gina louise]

One of my favorite all time stories is A Christmas Carol. Most of us know the story. Miserly, cold and self centered Ebeneezer Scrooge is visited in one traumatic night by the three ghosts of his Christmas's Past, Present and Yet To Come... .  

It's a wonderful vision of a life almost squandered.

That's what we got in our BPD relationships. We got that Scrooge-ish Chance. The Do Over chance of a lifetime!

To recognize, admit and develop our own futures by what we do, from the time we "wake up" Onwards.

Cook the goose, invite the family over, love the people who are around you, make each day better any way you can.

Then you will not have squandered one minute.

dear bb12   

If you look backwards and try to walk forwards simultaneously, you will make moving forwards so much more difficult.

Don't try! Just face the future squarely, with what you know, now.

GL

[bb12]

Wonderful replies! My thanks to all of you   bb12

[heartandwhole]

I have definitely felt the same bb12 !  Better late than never, right?  But I do look back on the r/s before pwBPD, and I say to myself, "What was I thinking?"     Broke that off, then pwBPD came along... .  yikes.  It didn't last long, but it turned me upside down, so to speak.  The gift I got out of it is that here I am, working on stuff that goes very, very deep.  And like you, I AM changing. 

Funny thing is, I thought I had a grip on my  before all this - ha !  I guess when the student is ready... .  

Wishing you all the best on this journey.

heartandwhole