Reward poor coping mechanisms or not? Need advice

[AllyCat7]

Hello all,

I posted the most recent update to my story a couple days ago. Basically, my BPDbf (who is on/off again and has been giving me serious episodes of silent treatment for the last few months) was warming up to me again towards the end of December. They he pulled away after new years and I sent him an e-mail with some demands (that I don't like being ignored and the very least he could do is let me know when/if he is feeling stressed and needs space). He sort of came around a week later, but then some silly FB games were played. And I think the combination of the intense e-mail and the games (which he started after reading into something innocuous that I did on LinkedIn) made him dysregulate and he pulled the "we're just friends" card. He did this a day before leaving the country for three weeks. I questioned him and also reassured him that I was nothing but loyal to him the last two years and he said he'd see me when he got back.

I was going to reassure him more by dropping off some gifts I was keeping for him along with an email. The gift plan didn't work (probably for the best), but I haven't sent the email yet. I have a draft of it, though. Basically, it says that I respect his decision to be friends. He still means a lot to me and always will. And also that I've been nothing but faithful to him in the last two years (I think he was paranoid abt a male acquaintance, which I think sparked the dysregulation, I think). I also say that I'm just going to be focusing on myself for the time being and best of luck on his business trip. I ended it by telling him that he didn't have to reply to the email contents but to shoot me a quick email to let me know he arrived safely.

Do you think if I sent this email, that it will be rewarding his bad behavior? Ideally, when he is pissed, stressed, overwhelmed, I want him to talk to me about it first and not take such a drastic step as pulling the "friends" card. But at the same time, I feel like he needs the reassurance right now. I was thinking to send it now, but then if he comes back around in the future to tell him that if he pulls the "friends" card again when he's stressed that I won't be as willing to reassure him and/or take him back again. I don't want to reward his good behavior, but I'm not sure that now is the time to "punish" since I haven't outlined any consequences for this particular thing yet. What do you think? Send the email or just stay silent? I'm also afraid that if I remain silent, he'll think I'm pissed at him and avoid me (which he's done in the past).

Advice would be most appreciated :-)

[AllyCat7]

Correction in 3rd paragraph: "I don't want to reward his BAD behavior"

[Gaslit]

he pulled the "... .  we're just friends" card. He did this a day before leaving the country for three weeks.

The above seems sketch. Maybe he wants to be 'free' while away? Guiltless?

Regarding the email, I would not send it. You are trying to rationalize with someone who may be incapable of such. If you have any hope, it is to talk in person.

And you are also buying into his "frame."

You are, in my opinion, literally better off doing nothing. There's a good chance he'll just "forget" the friends thing, and hope you do as well.

In other words, don't take him so seriously as-if he has planned thought-out intent, when he tells you something while deregulated. He was likely just 'punishing' you.

And yes, I do think that you are rewarding bad behavior. Maybe take these 3 weeks to think about things, and yourself... .  

[AllyCat7]

Thanks, Gaslit! I appreciate your advice and I took it . I didn't send the email. In the past, I felt that when I would confirm the "just friends" status, it would just make things worse, so you're right. It was probably a momentarily feeling he was having because he was upset. So I didn't do anything.

I also want to take the next 3 weeks to think about myself, but there is a bit of a kink as per today. So we are not friends on FB but we have some common friends on it. He was posting heavily on a mutual friend's page earlier today, which I usually ignore, but I felt he was doing it to grab my attention. So to show him I'm not upset with him, I "liked" one of his comments. (I deleted him from my fb about a year ago after one of our breakups and we have had NO interaction through it ever since. It upset him that I did that, but I felt it minimized the games and drama.) So anyway, he decided to add me as a friend again after I did that. I was not expecting that. And I actually don't know what to do!

Should I re-add him or not? I know it hurt him immensely when I deleted him (I actually deleted him twice) and I suspect it made him lose some trust in me (even though I did it for good reasons... .  reasons I thought were healthy for our relationship). So I'm torn. Part of me liked when we weren't FB friends, but since people with BPD have issues with trust, I think maybe I should re-add him so he has that sense of trust with me.

What do you all suggest? I haven't added him yet, but I sent him a message asking if he thought we could handle that again and he replied by saying "I can handle it. I think it's you who can't ;-)" Hmmmmmmm. What to do?