Do our BPDexes view us as "belonging" to them?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all!

I would love to hear from everyone on this. I'm curious if anyone shares my opinion that our BPDexes view us as "belonging" to them or as their "property"?  My BPDex would whisper the same thing into my ear every night when we were going to sleep;  "you're mine - my soul into yours (?) - you belong to me".

Do they view us as "theirs"? Could that be the reason for so many recycle attempts? I haven't been contacted in three months (silent treatment since he dumped me!) - so I think I'm safe from the "recycle attempt" anyway! 

Thx!

[lipstick]

Hi all!

I would love to hear from everyone on this. I'm curious if anyone shares my opinion that our BPDexes view us as "belonging" to them or as their "property"?  My BPDex would whisper the same thing into my ear every night when we were going to sleep;  "you're mine - my soul into yours (?) - you belong to me".

Do they view us as "theirs"? Could that be the reason for so many recycle attempts? I haven't been contacted in three months (silent treatment since he dumped me!) - so I think I'm safe from the "recycle attempt" anyway! 

Thx!

[lost007]

My soon to be ex has said as much. Tells me that if I expect that she will not contact me-we are separated-that I am being unrealistic. She tells me that she will continue contact me because she is not yet ready to let me go. She feels she can let me go in time. Its not her fault that I am already at that stage. She feels that there will be an ongoing relationship even though I have been clear that there will not. Divorce is scheduled. We are living separately. She attempts to take every second of my time with texts and phone calls. If I do not respond I am called names, berated, etc. She threatens to expose me for the monster I am. Then she is sending sweet nothings. I am an object to her to be controlled. By any means necessary. So yes, I think in my situation that is the case.

[charred]

I think they do. My exBPDgf argued with my exwife that I was hers. She also told me I couldn't serve but one master (I pointed out I was not a slave, slavery was illegal... started an argument of course.)

They seem to treat us like dogs at times, give orders, act like they own us, expect us to comply with whatever their whim, without questioning. Reward us with a "good boy." In fact they expect unconditional love, whatever they do. Much more appropriate expectations for an animal that is property of you, than of someone that is your partner/equal.

[OTH]

When you are enmeshed it is difficult to know where each other ends. Usually this leads to engulfment fears in BPD. This is what would happen in my relationship to start the push of the push/pull cycle.  I think some NPDs seek engulfment  "you belong to me" but either way that is creepy. What did you think of that ?

Hi all!

I would love to hear from everyone on this. I'm curious if anyone shares my opinion that our BPDexes view us as "belonging" to them or as their "property"?  My BPDex would whisper the same thing into my ear every night when we were going to sleep;  "you're mine - my soul into yours (?) - you belong to me".

Do they view us as "theirs"? Could that be the reason for so many recycle attempts? I haven't been contacted in three months (silent treatment since he dumped me!) - so I think I'm safe from the "recycle attempt" anyway! 

Thx!

[Benevolent Sun]

During the relationship she wanted ky attention to be on her all the time. If was hanging out with my friends, she wanted to be in a text conversation. I don't want to be buried in my phone in a social situation, so I've learned that. I will run away from someone that demands so much of my attention in the future, I don't need to be in contact when my so is out and about. I'm holding them to the same standard now, neediness is a turn off. I put up with it for one person, and she is gone.

I don't know if she thought she owned me, other than the aforementioned need for instant response to phone calls and text. If I didn't answer it was  'you must be with someone else, what are you doing?' How about I'm in the shower?  I did however tell her that she had me, I was hers, commited. Probably not the best thing haha

[charred]

Benevolent Sun-

You pointed out clingy behavior, and I don't know if that says anything about us "belonging" to them, but it is a pain in the neck. I have had as many as 30 calls in a day... was working and it helped cost me that job. Insecurity is what it seems like.

When I started dating my exBPDgf... she was all engulfing and it was too much, however I had missed that kind of contact and it didn't bother me much at first... later it became stifling. Suspect they have an "I own you" or "your are dead to me" viewpoint at times... .  certainly doesn't seem like the normal range of attachment in a r/s.

[Benevolent Sun]

Charred, I didn't get the thirty phone calls a day, I'm thankful, it would have drove me nuts. I don't think I have enough to say for that volume of phone calls. I did get a lot of text which is fine, if I'm allowed at respond at my leisure. Perhaps I'm wrong about that, which I'm open to being corrected about.

I'll eloborate a little about the phone calls while I was in the shower. I listen to music through my phone so it would be in the bathroom. Music stops because its ringing, I obviously don't pick up. So she calls again, and again. I get out dry off, return her phone call, and she is freaking out like I did something wrong. Made me feel like blank that she would jump to the conclusion that I was going behind her back. It's not me, and she knew better... .  but didn't.

I agree that its insecurity, but it could be looked at as insecurity about losing something you own.

[Jay08]

Yes i believe they do, even after a breakup, hence the recycle and odd behavior when they find out you were with someone else.

I remember after my breakup the first time she went and slept with a friend of ours. Then when she found out i slept with someone else, oh boy was i apparently in the wrong.

Youll also notice at social gatherings if your around, if anyone of the opposite sex talked or even looked at you the jealousy would be unbearable.

She flipped out on me once for a girl checking me out then made a huge scene because apparently "she knew" i called her up there and i had hooked up with her before. Funny thing is i never even knew who the hell she was talking about.

[birdlady]

Yes.  There are no boundaries. I think they see us as extensions of themselves as well as being possessions.

I should have seen this red flag, but early on he asked me, in the context of having a solid relationship, What if we disagree about something? I said that we weren't joined at the hip and that of course we would see some things differently and that doing so was normal.   It was a foreign concept to him. 

I think he still sees me as belonging to him.   He acts like he's supposed to have a new life and I'm not.  He had a fit when after he said that he was divorcing me, I actually filed first.  He was angry and abusive even though I was giving him what he said he wanted.  Didn't make sense at all to my friends and family.  Having lived so long in topsy turvy land, it still made no sense, but it was not unusual.

He emails me ultimatums and I don't respond. NC is the only way to handle it for me.

[bpdspell]

In many ways our BPD's are a collection of selves picking up pieces of identity from the clown car of relationships that have crashed and burned along the way. This is enmeshment in full action and is often how their jigsaw puzzle identities are formed. With my BPDex he was a little bit of mom, dad, myself, sister, brother, ex girlfriends, co-workers; but never himself. He only felt like a self when he had a mirror (an object to reflect back to him).

So even when the relationship is severed in their minds we are an extension of them because a part of our identity is with them forever more. It's not a romantic sense of belonging in a Harlequinn-ish  "I'll never forget you" kind of way. It's how they relate to people as objects and possessions. Once they enmeshed with us that diffusion never really goes away because it' kinda necessary for their emotional survival... .  that is until they find their next object.      

Spell

[KnewBetterAllAlong]

Yes.  There are no boundaries. I think they see us as extensions of themselves as well as being possessions.

My exBPDgf actually even exclaimed on 2 different occasions during the honeymoon phase "You're like an extension of me!"  I found it to be such a strange statement at the time.  It all makes sense now though.

[maria1]

My ex said he wanted to check out anybody I considered dating in the future, so that he could work out if they were good enough for me. In his twisted logic he was actually wanting to be helpful- he said j have myself too easily in relationships and allowed myself to be played. He also said even if he didn't want to be in a relationship with me he didn't want me to be with anybody else, even though he was. And he knew how f***ed up that all was too.

What your ex said to you 'my soul into yours' sounds disturbing. Did it disturb you at the time?

[morningagain]

In many ways our BPD's are a collection of selves picking up pieces of identity from the clown car of relationships that have crashed and burned along the way. This is enmeshment in full action and is often how their jigsaw puzzle identities are formed. With my BPDex he was a little bit of mom, dad, myself, sister, brother, ex girlfriends, co-workers; but never himself. He only felt like a self when he had a mirror (an object to reflect back to him).

So even when the relationship is severed in their minds we are an extension of them because a part of our identity is with them forever more. It's not a romantic sense of belonging in a Harlequinn-ish  "I'll never forget you" kind of way. It's how they relate to people as objects and possessions. Once they enmeshed with us that diffusion never really goes away because it' kinda necessary for their emotional survival... .  that is until they find their next object.      

Spell

Exactly.

What Spell said... .