Did I flub it too bad

[laelle]

I was on skype with my boyfriend when I got a message from a neighbor complaining about my dog barking.  They also mentioned that the dog was always outside and that I dont take him for a walk. My boyfriend believes that a dog should be kept in the house and only go outside for walks and such.

I grew up in a family where the dog stayed outside unless it was cold.  My mom never let a dog in her house.  As it is my dog comes in at night and goes outside in the morning.  A few hours later I let him in. He has a small backyard to stay in. My boyfriend said im sorry but im glad they did that because you never take your dog for a walk and a dog belongs in the house.

I begin to explain and stopped myself and said that I didnt want to argue about it.  I understood his point but I didnt agree with everything he said.  I grew up differently.  He said i didnt want to talk about it because I know that he is right.  At that point I told him that I was going to go for now and that I loved him.  I followed it up with an email saying that I was going to take a little bit of time to calm down because I really didnt want to argue about that.  I told him that I know and understand how he feels and that I agree with some of it.  I told him I would email him when I got out of the bath.

He replied dont worry about it, im taking the nite off, have a nice night and talk to you later.

I think I messed up, but I was really upset that he was happy that someone left a note on my door insulting me when I do take care of my dog, and that he couldnt fathom the idea that not all people do things like he does.

Anyone that believes different that he does is wrong.  We got into a similar argument last nite about gun control.  He believes no one should have guns and they should all be taken away.  I didnt even argue the fact, I just tried to explain both sides from my perspective but that wasnt allowed.  Why bother having a convo if the other person believes he has to be right?

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[The White Lady]

It's just the black and white thinking you are experiencing. I don't think you did anything wrong. You asserted the way you feel. He is your dog. Although I feel differently about how a dog should be treated, I respect that he is your dog, and you know what is best for him. BPD's see right and wrong only, and when their "right" differs from yours, you are "wrong". They cannot see shades of grey.

[patientandclear]

Actually, I think you both did great!  You disengaged when you needed to, you explained what you were doing in a non-threatening way, he accepted it and reassured you that it was OK for you to disengage, and affirmed that you would reconnect.  Even if you, now and forever, disagree about the dog!

Someone posted recently about small disagreements amounting to a feeling of abandonment.  "You didn't like my favorite movie so obviously we can never understand each other so I'm outta here."  I think that happens with my BPDex.  It pains him when we don't agree.  But we're practicing dealing with that & he's getting better at grasping that that doesn't mean we cannot be close.  I'm still interested in his view, even if I don't share it.  He is not QUITE so good at that part but he's trying.

I think the two of you dealing with the fact that you feel differently about this without allowing it to implicate larger questions about your relationship is pretty encouraging.

[yeeter]

Ya... .  You can't always agree on everything.  Great that you were able to walk away and not allow things to keep digressing.  That's called 'stop making things worse'

One tool that might help is SET.  With it, you  validate his position first and then state your truth. 

And practice.  The 'agree to disagree... Or agree to have different opinions' is something everybody has to figure out how to do.

[CodependentHusband]

"Agree to disagree" is good, but I'll go one further on this. I tend not to express an opinion at all when I know my pwBPD feels so very strongly about something. The gun control issue is a case in point... .  Like your pwBPD, mine believes firmly that gun control can solve the problems we have with school shootings. Now, I'm a logical person, and I know that we have to look at a lot of different solutions to find one that works. There will always be someone with a gun in the US, why not look to Israel and see how they have not had a school shooting since 1970? It is a fact, but I don't dare express my opinion to my wife about this. I can't confide in her about certain things, and that's just how it is.

[laelle]

Thank you everyone.  This one is really hard for me because he NEVER backs down and it becomes a take no prisoner situation fast.

If I didnt excuse myself from skype he would have tried to prove he was right by pointing out my other flaws that I know I have proving that he knows what he is talking about.  There are things that I dont agree with when it comes to how he cares for his dog, but its his dog and I trust that he knows how to care for his dog provided he isnt abusing it of course.  So does that mean he really thinks I abuse my dog?  This hurts me alot.

I dont really think he agreed to disengage, I think because I got off skype angry even tho 2 seconds later I sent an email, he just blanked me.

Punished me.  Because I did what i did, I would not have his company last nite.

He cant accept the fact that although I may agree with him in part it doesnt mean I will put up with him berating me.  No one has a right to do that to me.  

[laelle]

"He cant accept the fact that although I may agree with him in part it doesnt mean I will put up with him berating me.  No one has a right to do that to me"

No, I did not tell him this... .  I would be extremely invalidating, but I feel that way.

[CodependentHusband]

Something strokes me here... .  Just made me think of something, and I don't think I expressed it very well. My pwBPD HAS to be right about everything. It's how she is wired. Fighting against her when she is handicapped in the ability to not let her emotions dominate her ability to think logically is merely aggravating her underlying condition. Yes, it is nice to feel validated and respected. That's not something my pwBPD is going to be able to provide to me when she is dysregulated. I get that validation from within, and from friends and family. Now, I want to be clear here... .  I don't put my pwBPD below me... .  I'm not being condescending to her. She's got my respect for all of her good traits, but, just like me, she's not perfect in every way.

Hope this helps. I know it is difficult when they "punish" us by withdrawing. We have the ability to change things though, once we recognize exactly what is going on, and we begin to understand the pwBPD on an individual level... .  Maybe even knowing them better than they know themselves in many ways.

[laelle]

I think your right CoD, I knew not to bring up subjects about my dog, as I know he thinks differently than I concerning how I handle my dog.

That was my first mistake.  I should not have discussed it at all.  I just hate that I have to keep things from someone that I love, but I guess when the whole situation leaves me miserable its something that I have to do to keep me from being bitter and angry.  He had already told me he was feeling bad, I should have taken the hint.

My next mistake was JADE'ing.  I stopped it quickly when I saw that he was dysregulated as I knew nothing I did was going to get him off my behind about it.  It was the type of convo that wasnt going anywhere good.  While I hate that he "punished" me, I cant say that I havent enjoyed the time to myself.  As was being talked about in another post,  I am learning to turn loneliness into happy solitude.  I also appreciate that when he isnt feeling well that he takes that time to himself as I really dont want to be a part of his process of changing me from black to white.  That is his emotion to deal with, not mine.

I guess in all of this  I have put him above me which is why his opinion of me hurts so bad.  There are other people in my life who I could care less if they agreed with me or even ranted at me about it.  Their opinions dont matter, but his does.  All in all it has ended well, which is totally different from how it was 3 months ago.  He is taking some time as he isnt feeling well, but when the kids go to bed I think we are going to skype and watch a movie.  I enjoy days to myself, it helps me to learn what I like to do.