We are a vessel for their angst...

[Newton]

I'm not sure where I am going with this   It's a mini vent I guess   ... .  It was an intense brief feeling of anger, then loss... .  followed by calm... .  It lasted but 20 seconds yet felt very significant... .  to me.

Just thought I'd share it ... .  

I guess if I rationalized the moment... .  which I'm a little too good at doing rather than 'feeling' ... .  (lot's of us seem to have schizoid/avoidant tendencies here that I've noticed)... .  it would be a real sense of acceptance that... .  (reluctant to repeat the thread title so a little refinement perhaps)... .  

... .  "We allowed ourselves to be used as a vessel for their angst"... .  :'(... .  

I suppose working through this for myself means accepting I was enmeshed... .  totally... .  and also accepting that stepping back far enough emotionally from her to protect myself and be healthy didn't constitute what I want or need from a relationship now.

Any healthy relationship is surely about love, balance, mutual respect and compromise.  For now, in my mind, having that sort of relationship with a pwBPD looks like 90%-10% (on a good day)... .  errrm... .  no thanks!

[myself]

Like we were a screen their movie was being projected on.

"What's the film tonight, honey? Oh, the one where I'm both the hero and the villian? I don't really like that one... .  Well, not parts of it. I know we're already rewriting the script as we go, but can there be some kind of happier ending this time? There can't? Oh, only if I go and make a movie of my own, without you? You sure you don't want to come along for that? Be partners? Oh, Ok. I'm going to limp away now."

Intermission. Then: The Main Attraction.

[seeking balance]

Wouldn't this be a personal inventory post?

[Newton]

Possibly... .  I posted it on L3 as it felt like another stage of detachment, for me... .  but encompassed in a few seconds.

I regularly see   for people with potential pd's ... .  understanding my thankfully diminishing desires to "be" there for them, and detaching from that desire seems just as essential as detaching from a particular individual... .  

Within the dynamic of a rs with a pwBPD by objectifying myself as a "vessel"... .  (although I like the movie screen idea from myself very much ) ... .  it helps to depersonalize some of the acting out behaviours, and improves my self esteem as I now consider myself to be worth more than merely a receptacle for someone else's feelings. I also appreciate that I need to be mindful of holding onto that knowledge as pwBPD can be so very alluring  

And as I look across to the right, the mental process I went through to achieve relief certainly looks like stages of detachment... .  

I'm cool with the post on L3   ... .  if the powers that be see fit... .  it'll be moved.