Update - Disaster

[Manager32]

My uBPD friend/so was recently let go from her job due to poor performance. She's taking it really hard.  I've tried to be there for her to validate her feelings of fear and anxiety about her situation and to let her know she can make it through this.  We'd already begun to reconnect after a couple of months of bad feelings after a blow-up, but we've gotten really close again since she was let go.

This morning she texted me to let me know she was very down and couldn't stop crying. I validated her feelings and suggested we get her out of her home and have a little fun so she could forget her troubles for awhile. We settled on going to a movie together and things were going very well.  Then, disaster struck.

I received four calls on my mobile within about an 8 minute period, followed by a text five minutes later. I didn't want to disturb the movie, so I ignored them.  A few minutes later, my pwBPD noticed her phone was missing and went to check if she'd left it in the ladies room.  I then checked the activity on my phone and noticed that all four calls and the txt were from my pwBPD's phone.  The txt read:

"Tell my gf we are done.  Hope she enjoys living with [name] and his wife and kids. Tell her I hope it was all worth it thanks."

I left the theater and found my pwBPD and showed her the txt and she had no idea what it was about, as she knows no one by the name mentioned in the txt.  We assumed it had been taken and someone was playing games with us. I texted and called her phone back, but no answer.  We checked with security and customer service but no one had turned it in. We decided to go back to her place to see if she'd accidentally dropped it in the parking lot or something.

No luck in the lot, so we went on up to her apartment. She went on into her bedroom and after a few seconds, I heard "I found my phone.  It was by the ... .  someone has been in here!" She noted several things that had been moved from where they'd been left, but nothing was stolen.  Of particular note was a collage of pictures of her and her bf (some of you may remember that she had a very troubled relationship with a long-time bf when she and I got involved.  They're still together, still having problems, and the pics were of the two of them together.) which had been completely rearranged.  I told her I saw her lock her door on the way out and asked who else had a key to her apt. She answered, "Oh no ... .  "

She went to check her landline and noted that her bf had called her about 20 times while we were out.  She indicated she needed to call him, but didn't want me to leave. ":)on't go, just be really quiet." She called him and he accused her of cheating on him. She denied it (which was technically true at the moment. Although she and I were involved a few months back, we're now just friends, although I'd still like to be more.), but he didn't believe her and hung up on her. Apparently, he'd read through our text history and, although we're just close friends right now, it was apparent that we were close enough for it to be inappropriate for someone in a relationship, and he assumed we were sleeping together.

She exited the beadroom with her face in her hands and told me, "You need to go. You've got to get out of here. Please go." She walked me to the door, where she doubled over and began to cry. I told her I was sorry if anything I had texted her had created problems for her. "Please ... .  just ... .  go," she answered. I told her I'd check on her later and left.

I haven't heard a word from her since.  I have no idea where this leaves us, but I can't imagine it will be good. If she convinces the bf to stay, she'll likely have to cut me out of her life to appease him. If they are broken up, I could easily see her blaming me for the situation. I'd like to text her and make sure she's ok and hasn't done anything rash, but I don't want a text to pop up from me if her bf is there and get her into more hot water. Not sure where to go from here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

In this particular situation, probably it's best that you step back and detach more.

Let her contact you when she is ready.

There are several reasons:

First, rushing in to "save" her from her own actions is a co-dependent act on your part. This signals that you are not taking care of yourself. It's a bad dynamic to promote that to her. It's healthy for you to keep boundries.

Second it's her relationship. It's up to her to keep it or end it. Enmeshing yourself into her intimate life like you say you have been is innapropriate and probably you will get hurt.

It's simpler, cleaner, and more honest to detach and allow her to make her own outcome with her boyfriend.

Sorry, I can tell you are anxious and upset. It's hard. I have been where you are, and you will feel better when you are more detached. 

[Manager32]

Really not trying to rescue her from this, but i do have a part in things.  I've been somewhat inappropriate in some of what I've texted her, just as she's been with me.  I felt I needed to own my mistakes and let her know I was regretful if anything I'd said had caused problems. I felt that was the responsible thing to do.  I know she will ultimately be responsible for how things turn out with her r/s and it's her choice to make (assuming the bf hasn't made it for her).

Aside from that, I just want to make sure she doesn't harm herself.  She's lost her job and her bf of 3 years in the span of two weeks. I've not seen any evidence of self harm on her part before, but that much loss in such a short time could drive a non-disordered person to do things they might regret, let alone a person who may be BPD. I'm worried for her safety.

[elemental]

She is in conflict with her boyfriend.

Over you.

Exit stage right.

[Manager32]

She is in conflict with her boyfriend.

Over you.

Exit stage right.

Now that's hard to argue with.

She just texted. Seems down, but otherwise ok. No update on the situation and I didn't ask. If she wants me to know, I suppose she'll tell me.