Emotional Intimacy and My Emotions

[ChemGuy]

I need some advice from folks who've lived with a BPDer for a long time.  I've been married for 2 years and I strongly suspect that a great deal of the craziness that has occurred in that time is related to BPD.  There is no formal diagnosis, but she won't consider the topic of therapy so I think a formal diagnosis will probably never occur. 

Anyway, from the Lessons discussion on intimacy it sounds like BPDers want intimacy but fear it because they fear engulfment.  In the splitting discussion it sounds like even in the "good" times, they're not really reacting to you as much as they're reacting to either an idealized version of you or they're reacting to you through the positive feelings associated with the person(s) who traumatized them in the first place.  Either way it's not the real you they're reacting to so there can't be real intimacy there. 

So she will never know and love me, but I will need to learn to deal with her wacky behavior and hypersensitivity.  It's like living with a crazy roommate, but there's no opportunity to think that it will be better someday.   

This site has been very helpful.  I'm working through the Lessons links.  I read Boundaries, and bought but haven't started High Conflict Couple.  But I'm about to go to sleep alone at the end of the third week of a round of her silent treatment and I think I just need someone to tell me that it will be okay.  I'm just angry with myself for getting into this.

How do you deal with your own desire for emotional intimacy?  How do you deal with the feeling of loneliness, anger and resentfulness about the whole thing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

It can be tough... .  

As my name suggests, i keep trying - for now.

No promises or commitments of "forever". Marriage isn't discussed by either of us, so that helps keep his fear of being abandoned down. My spirits used to follow his, which kept the drama going and me feeling like i had to keep jumping through his hoops to keep him happy.

For the most part, I've learned to detach a whole lot.

Acceptance has been a HUGE part of that.

I enjoy the sunshine and pleasant weather, knowing that conditions could change quickly, leaving me facing a damaging storm. It helps that i live in the Midwest, where we don't expect perpetual sunshine. The good news is i never fear hurricanes or earth quakes though 

I've learned how to respond better - to protect me while also lessening the damage to the relationship. Stronger defenses (boundaries) along with empathy (validation) and radical acceptance (willingness) has kept me sane. Its reduced the stress and frustration a lot.

Our relationship isn't perfect.

There are still areas we could both improve on.

I had too be willing to lose him for change to occur, cause s mentally ill person can't lead the dance. We have to shift the power imbalance to have any chance of success.

No, he doesn't like some of my changes. Add the mentally healthy person i have to do what is right to keep things going.

For now, its still working... .  

So i keep doing what i know how - love him as he is   

[yeeter]

Hi chemguy



UFN gives some great insights.  Detaching will allow you to keep from getting all caught up in her drama.  Then LEAD the relationship.  Meaning put some boundaris down that makes it ok and sustainable, from YOUR perspective, to be able to stay.  (otherwise it's just a matter of time before it melts down)

Acceptance.  Patience.

Read th lessons.  Practice.  Post. Read some more.

(for what it's worth, the longest I went kicked out of the bedroom was 15 months.  Although I get invited back from time to time now, I have grown to like the peace and serenity of my makeshift bed so just kept using it.  Pushing 2 1/2 years now?  Wow.  Time flies.  You can do much more than you ever thought possible!)

Loneliness you find other friends and family to substitute for.

Anger and resentment are the hard ones.  It's not fair.  You have to accept the reality of that. And figure out how you are going to act.  Otherwise it will just poison you and before long you won't be the person you want to be.

Welcome! 

[qkslvrgirl]

Dear ChemGuy,

Well, you've got this relationship pretty well figured out - with some good advice from Yeeter and UFN.

I've been with my uBPDh for 11 years - five of those married but living in separate households.

This kind of relationship is, from what I've learned, an opportunity to really discover yourself - without the crutch of an emmeshed or co-dependant relationship on your side. At times I see the man I love, but mostly I find pleasure in the moment without worrying about his issues. This is okay except for the lack of sex.

Depending on what you want out of life (family, kids, etc), companionship intersperced with pleasureable solitude and self discovery may be a good combination for you.

Bottom line: These relationships bring us great clarity.

Regards,

Quicksilver Girl

[yeeter]

Slvrgrl reminded me of another item.

Get very clear with yourself, exactly why you are choosing to stay in the relationship.

You will need to remind/ground yourself of this often.  It helps prevent resentment if you can clearly state why you are there.

[CodependentHusband]

... .  companionship intersperced with pleasureable solitude and self discovery may be a good combination for you.

Quicksilver Girl, what a great way of describing the lifestyle!  I agree with you about the lack of sex and the loneliness that goes with it. It's so true that, although that feeling of loneliness when we have to disengage, never goes away completely, transforming the loneliness into solitude is a beautiful thing, and takes the hurt away quite a good bit.

Chem,

   As wisely told by others in this thread, fight resentment at all costs. To be frank, at first, you may think of this as brainwashing yourself. In fact, I'm convinced that my family and close friends think that about me at times. Reality is that they don't truly understand... .  They aren't capable of understanding though. Their ability to understand living with a pwBPD that we love, is every bit as real as the pwBPD's ability to control their behaviors. When you start to feel resentful, try to figure out exactly what causes you to feel that way, and do what you can to stop it with your own actions. 

[laelle]

 "loneliness into solitude"   

[dawnjd]

Given that I am not a super social person, I find the loneliness probably less burdensome than others. I use those moments to do something I enjoy. When SO goes into a "silent treatment mode", I make sure to not be pulled in and go read a book, run, garden. Basically have fun. Of course, me ok being alone, my SO will claim that I am 'giving him the silent treatment' and not him. (i.e., "You weren't the one talking... .  you were so pissed off at me that you went off to go garden by yourself, pouting!" But I enjoy the solitude and don't pout about it.

As for the sex, can't relate right now. MySO seems to want it all the time (his way of feeling close and not abandoned), but having a 2 year old just makes me tired all the time. In my case, I feel bad for him but then I also feel that he needs to learn that sex won't fulfill that fear of abandonment and needs to stop expecting it everytime I hold his hand or kiss him.

[ChemGuy]

dawnjd, I am also fairly introverted and I agree that being solo is alright most of the time.   Its mainly hard in the evenings sometimes.  We used to sit together and watch TV or talk about the day, but now there's nothing. I read to escape her silence at night and that's nice... .  

I'm glad to hear that others experience the same types of things.  I also find that its kind-of nice sleeping alone in the extra bedroom.  But I agree with you all that the lack of sex is wrapped up in the whole unpleasant package.  It was so great at the beginning and I felt very connected with her.  I knew it would cool over time, but it got really weird after we got married. 

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

[dawnjd]

I'm glad to hear that others experience the same types of things.  I also find that its kind-of nice sleeping alone in the extra bedroom. 

I have suggested getting twin beds for us, or even sleeping in separate rooms for my sanity. Bed hogging is becoming a 'playful' fight between us. But my sleep habits bother him (waking up in the middle of the night and tossing and turning) and his bother me (snoring, running his alarm for 2 hours before getting up). But being who he is, he took it as a "we are breaking up" if we do that. My wanting a good nights sleep became a symbol of abandonment for him. Maybe getting a king bed in the future will help... .  

[lurchlookalike]

I need some advice from folks who've lived with a BPDer for a long time.

Well man, I think you have the course charted pretty well for the short time you have been in. There are a few verses from a song about Borderlines that come to mind:

Nothing in life is black or white

All shades of gray between day and night

Borderline war where nothing is real

Why don't you say what you really feel

Things are so easy then they explode

At every turn a mine in the road

Everything's fine then nothing's all right

In a split second day turns to night

All alone again... .  

Living like this is breaking my heart

Nothing can move nothing can start

Turn me around send me away

What will it be the crisis today

Why not let go just set me free

Why must I be the enemy

Never a lasting peace will we find

Till we cross over the borderline

All Alone again, here we go again... .  

That is pretty much how it goes, and will go. You're not dealing with an emotionally mature adult, more like a child. You have an intelligent emotional child in a grown woman's body. I think as long as there is a sexual attraction it helps keep the relationship together but once that goes all that's left is the love that you feel or don't feel for this person. It's more like the love of a child though and not the love for a mature woman (or man) that can reciprocate in kind.

When you meet someone that can respond on your emotional level, understand and identify with your feelings and show empathy you will see what a striking difference there is. By that time though you may be in so deep emotionally, practically, financially, with kids, etc. that it becomes nearly impossible to get out without causing even more damage than staying. As many of the people above have said or alluded to you end up detaching, largely leading separate lives.

I'm not saying it's all bad, I think you can learn a great deal about yourself and can potentially become much stronger in a number of ways. It's like gong through a very fine filter with your inevitable flaws amplified many times. A caveat though is that no 2 situations are the same and I would never be so pompous as to try to make the leave or stay call for someone else, each one of us has to do that part alone. 

Best of luck with whatever you do.

[yeeter]

Getting sleep.  With whatever the arrangements are.  Is critical.  You will not function well if sleep deprived and worn out all the time.

Consider this one of the pieces to taking care of yourself.  A boundary (basic physical health need).  Made a huge difference for me once I caught up a little on sleeping.

Then turn to:

Diet. Eat right.

Exercise.  Get some.

Cut down on any of the bad habits such as junk food and alcohol.  I can always tell directly when I'm not doing well because my alcohol intake goes up.  Direct correlation to stress.

See your friends to maintain some emotional health.

This is all part of the mantra, 'put your own life vest on first'.  From there you will be better equipped to deal with the relationship.

[lurchlookalike]

Getting sleep.  With whatever the arrangements are.  Is critical.  You will not function well if sleep deprived and worn out all the time. Consider this one of the pieces to taking care of yourself.  A boundary (basic physical health need).  Made a huge difference for me once I caught up a little on sleeping. Then turn to:Diet. Eat right. Exercise. Get some. Cut down on any of the bad habits such as junk food and alcohol.  I can always tell directly when I'm not doing well because my alcohol intake goes up.  Direct correlation to stress. See your friends to maintain some emotional health.

This is all part of the mantra, 'put your own life vest on first'.  From there you will be better equipped to deal with the relationship.

The above is great advice, relating that to your own "life vest" is a perfect analogy.

[CodependentHusband]

There are a few verses from a song about Borderlines that come to mind:

Nothing in life is black or white

All shades of gray between day and night

Borderline war where nothing is real

Why don't you say what you really feel

Things are so easy then they explode

At every turn a mine in the road

Everything's fine then nothing's all right

In a split second day turns to night

All alone again... .  

Who performs this song?

[lurchlookalike]

Hi CDH,

See post : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=98669.msg972527#msg972527, reply #14 in July 2009 for complete lyrics. Song came from a board member.

I believe it is an accurate description from what I've experienced over a long period of time.

Best of luck man.

[CodependentHusband]

Ahhh... Okay. Thanks... .  Yeah. I thought the lyrics describe it pretty well too. Just to be clear, in my case at least, you don't have to detach to the point of actually leading a seperate life... .  My wife seems to be doing pretty well without any demands for intimacy. It's a lot to give up in my opinion, but everyone is different. Staying isn't for everyone, that's for sure. I'm lucky, maybe, because my wife brings other things to the r/s.

[ChemGuy]

Get very clear with yourself, exactly why you are choosing to stay in the relationship.

I guess that's the key.  This r/s is one that I've chosen to pursue and I choose to continue with.  That helps fight the resentment most of the time; it's not fair, but I'm choosing this path.  It does help to think that I can leave if it becomes intolerable, but I want to stick with it because we have a baby.  I want to keep up my physical and mental health to help him have a somewhat normal childhood.  It's a good incentive... .  I know I can't rely on my wife, so if I don't step up no one will.

If not for him, I would have been gone a while back.  I'm not really a codependent person, I didn't want to fix her and I don't think I could if I tried.  What kills me is that I made it very clear that I would not put up with the overblown anger while we dated... .  and she stopped.  We got along great until after the wedding. 

I'm developing an intellectual understanding of the disorder, but I think it will take a while to fully accept it.  It seems almost like a grieving thing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, repeat.

[yeeter]

You are getting it Chem.  For sure it's a grieving process.  The loss of a number of things, so the grieving analogy is relevant.

If you put down boundaries while dating that she responded to, this is a good sign that you can work on these and she might respond.  Maybe not the way she did when dating, but perhaps in some ways.

Keep reading!

[qkslvrgirl]

Yes - the wedding seems to be the death nell of a good sexual relationship with a BPD partner.

Good news is that "boundaries" still work. A new mother can be exhausted and stressed out under even ideal circumstances; but if your goal is to protect your baby, setting appropriate boundaries can keep things in check.

My uBPDh is like a toddler when it comes to testing my resolve about boundaries, but having them is a life-saver for me.

[CodependentHusband]

I'm developing an intellectual understanding of the disorder, but I think it will take a while to fully accept it.  It seems almost like a grieving thing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, repeat.

You've hit the nail on the head with that! Your heart is broken for the marriage you thought you had, and, yet... .  there is the person you married, and you still love them, hopefully, or... .  you don't. I have setbacks, like the past few days, but I'll tell you what, this is WAY better than it was. My setback is more about me and the situation, more than being directed at my wife. It's okay though. There ARE brighter tomorrows after the worst part of the healing process.