In my dreams...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

For the first time in a long time, I had a sex dream about my uBPDstbxw.  I was actually pretty sad.

The sad part was the result.  The dream involved some physical contact (initiated by dream-me but reciprocated) which led to dream-kissing and then... .  nothing.  I dreamed that we should not be doing this because we are about to get divorced (not filed yet).  It was dream-her that protested but I'm wondering what part of my psyche was acting there. 

W and I still live in the same house, mostly because of D6 but money is no small part of it.  The dream increased the urge to act affectionately with her throughout the day -- touch her hair, blow a kiss, the type of things I used to do when we were actively married and even while things were falling apart.  I did not act on these impulses, but feeling them made me sad. 

In a phone conversation the other day, she ended with "I love you" which led to an awkward moment on the phone where reflex tried to get me to say "I love you too".  It wouldn't be a lie, but it wouldn't be the truth the way it once was.  I'm pretty sure she said it out of the same kind of reflex, but it reminded me of the past. 

I don't want to live in the past.  Especially the recent past.  Things were no better then, I was just too stubborn to admit how bad they were.  I no longer believe there is a past I would be happy returning to.  13 years of marriage and now I've pulled back the curtain and realized how much was smoke and mirrors.  But something inside me is still drawn to her -- may always be drawn to her.  At least there seem to be other things inside me to lead me away.

Don't get me wrong, the decision is made.  I can't won't live like that anymore.  Or ever again.  She is refinancing the house - sent paperwork about it yesterday.  I plan to start seeing houses next week, though we're likely talking mid-February at the earliest before I can escape, more likely March.  And as soon as we have some numbers, I'll file divorce papers.  Maybe it's the sense of progress (which has been long-absent in the divorce) that has my subconscious wrestling with itself. 

Or maybe it's the little things creeping in, reminding me of better times.  She made banana bread today.  And chicken and dumplings the other day.  And she laughs at things I say (that are supposed to be funny), something she hadn't done in a long time.  Infinitesimal things that just don't seem to fit our situation or her recent attitude. 

The steps that are coming are going to be very tough for me.  Filing paperwork with the lawyer/court, moving out, telling D6 about all of it... .  I'm a bit of a wreck.  I'm trying to hold it together and doing okay at it, but I just want to let go and scream until it all goes away.  I'd do it if I believed it would work. 

Maybe I'll dream something more constructive tonight. 

[Fultus]

For the first time in a long time, I had a sex dream about my uBPDstbxw.  I was actually pretty sad.

The sad part was the result.  The dream involved some physical contact (initiated by dream-me but reciprocated) which led to dream-kissing and then... .  nothing.  I dreamed that we should not be doing this because we are about to get divorced (not filed yet).  It was dream-her that protested but I'm wondering what part of my psyche was acting there. 

W and I still live in the same house, mostly because of D6 but money is no small part of it.  The dream increased the urge to act affectionately with her throughout the day -- touch her hair, blow a kiss, the type of things I used to do when we were actively married and even while things were falling apart.  I did not act on these impulses, but feeling them made me sad. 

In a phone conversation the other day, she ended with "I love you" which led to an awkward moment on the phone where reflex tried to get me to say "I love you too".  It wouldn't be a lie, but it wouldn't be the truth the way it once was.  I'm pretty sure she said it out of the same kind of reflex, but it reminded me of the past. 

I don't want to live in the past.  Especially the recent past.  Things were no better then, I was just too stubborn to admit how bad they were.  I no longer believe there is a past I would be happy returning to.  13 years of marriage and now I've pulled back the curtain and realized how much was smoke and mirrors.  But something inside me is still drawn to her -- may always be drawn to her.  At least there seem to be other things inside me to lead me away.

Don't get me wrong, the decision is made.  I can't won't live like that anymore.  Or ever again.  She is refinancing the house - sent paperwork about it yesterday.  I plan to start seeing houses next week, though we're likely talking mid-February at the earliest before I can escape, more likely March.  And as soon as we have some numbers, I'll file divorce papers.  Maybe it's the sense of progress (which has been long-absent in the divorce) that has my subconscious wrestling with itself. 

Or maybe it's the little things creeping in, reminding me of better times.  She made banana bread today.  And chicken and dumplings the other day.  And she laughs at things I say (that are supposed to be funny), something she hadn't done in a long time.  Infinitesimal things that just don't seem to fit our situation or her recent attitude. 

The steps that are coming are going to be very tough for me.  Filing paperwork with the lawyer/court, moving out, telling D6 about all of it... .  I'm a bit of a wreck.  I'm trying to hold it together and doing okay at it, but I just want to let go and scream until it all goes away.  I'd do it if I believed it would work. 

Maybe I'll dream something more constructive tonight. 

[ambi]

  Fultus

You're seeing things so clearly and being so conscious.  Ending a marriage is sad regardless of circumstances.  It hurts.   I'm sorry you're hurting.

ambi