A Realization

[DazedButNotConfused]

After living with my dBPHh for 30 years (diagnosed 3 years ago) and learning, living and practicing to the best of my ability everything I have learned from AlAnon (he also has addiction issues), my T, His T and from books, I have been wondering why these last few weeks have been so darn hard. I have felt tired, sad, and confused.

Today, after another bout of the irrational which forced me to leave the house, I came to the realization that I have lost most of my support group. In my introduction, I said that I would love to be able to have an unfiltered conversation. While I also said that I would like to have it with him, I now realize that, because my support system has dwindled to almost zero, I have almost no one to talk to about the "joys" of BPD and the things we, as NONs go thru almost on a daily basis.

It is clear I need a new support system but I am at a loss at to how to find one. My T is wonderful but, in many ways, he is all I have right now. Funny thing is - I don't blame my friends. They just can't "get it" and, in a very real way, I would feel sad for them if they did. My Mom is in her 90's and loves me to death but this is not something she needs to hear about at her age. I have no siblings. (As an aside, my AlAnon sponsor said that "this was all too much for her and would be happy to deal with the drugs and alcohol aspect but that is where she draws the line.)

So ... .  how does one rebuild a support system? I am at a loss.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[numenal]

Find members of this site who live near you and see who wants to meet up.

[DazedButNotConfused]

As that is the case ... .  is there anyone from NJ,PA, DE on this board?

[numenal]

Originally from NJ, but live in CA. Hope the people who certainly must be here from those areas will reach back to you! Or a distinguished member might have further suggestions.

[Rockylove]

I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit lost and lonely right now.  It isn't easy to deal with all the issues that come with a BPD partner without a support system, but I also understand (from being married to an alcoholic in the past) that people grow tired of hearing about personal problems really quickly (perhaps because they have issues to deal with of their own that they can't fix) and the fastest way to lose friends is to constantly dump our problems on them. 

I came to this site because I didn't want to talk about this to friends or family members.  They all seem to know how disturbing his behavior can be, but all seem very reluctant to discuss anything about it~so I won't.  My friends are seriously protective and if I told them anything it wouldn't sit well... .  they wouldn't understand why I stay.  I have found that the people here are compassionate and empathetic, but also shoot straight from the hip, which is what I need. 

I'm no expert, but perhaps you could reach out and make some new friends that you DON'T share these things with and continue to find your support through posting here.  For me, this has been so helpful as I can tell my tales of woe without the fear of alienating family and friends in the process.

[DazedButNotConfused]

Rocky - You are right! I have been dealing with this for so long (yikes! like 30 years!) that it ALMOST seems "normal" that BPD and it's related manifestations have to be a part of everything. (Sheesh! I am getting too "used" to this, huh?)

Thanks, Rocky! I needed that!

[waverider]

Before you are aware of the workings of BPD, you endlessly winge and dump issues on friends, who simply think why do you stick it. But you do, so they think either go or stop complaining. Eventually they get fed up of it. Your everyday normal becomes so out of wack, not just the big dramas, but all the little things are skewed, you end up not fitting in either. Leading to isolation

Once you get to grips with BPD you stop wanting to discuss them with friends as it is like trying to discuss quantum physics with preschoolers. Your great discoveries of "they do X because of Y and is linked to Z thought process", and your friends just think you are making stuff up as it makes no sense(of course it doesn't its mental illness). This leads to frustration on your part.

If you want to have "adult" conversations on the subject you need to restrict them to places like this where it may do some good. That way outside support can be "normal" stuff and take your mind off this.Forums like this give a variety of views and hence keeps it real, small groups, or one on one, can turn into reinforcing vent fests

It will pollute your outside life if you don't learn to switch it off