Introduction... seeking information and support

[WolfSpider]

Hello, bpdfamily.com friends!

I've been lurking for about a year but this is my first post. This site has been extremely helpful to me in understanding the complicated, confusing and often painful dynamic in my FOO.

I apologize if this is jumbled... I'm not sure quite where to start:

My  brother has many traits of BPD, most notably an "unreasonably" paranoid, hostile and aggressive attitude and a rapidly shifting emotional state. Based on what I have learned so far, my belief is that he experiences "cognitive distortions" because his descriptions of day-to-day personal interactions tend to be highly inaccurate and a bit bizarre, even if the event he is describing happened just minutes before. When I first read the term "making the facts fit the feelings" I immediately thought of this behavior.

He is also an alcoholic and an addict. His behavior is markedly worse when he's under the influence, however my opinion is that he "medicates" his anxiety and that the PD or PD traits he exhibits, while magnified by alcohol/drugs, existed before he became an addict and essentially gave rise to the addiction.

I have compassion for my brother, as he is so clearly suffering and has fallen on some bad times in recent years, but while I recognize he is struggling I feel as though I am still "licking my wounds" so to speak and am frequently angry at him... .  then I feel guilty.

[123Phoebe]

Hello WolfSpider

I'm glad you joined!  I was a lurker for a long time too

Having the knowlege and acceptance of your own part in the FOO dynamic is a pretty major step   The family interactions sometimes need a little tweaking in real-time; sounds like you're aware of the most notable issues, so learning how to step away from ensuing drama before it starts or shortly thereafter might help with the anger and guilty feelings that come along with the interactions?  Would you rather not talk about your brother with your mother?

Where does your husband fit into the dynamic?  Is he supportive to you?

It is hard accepting that our mothers cannot be who we would really like them to be.  The lack of interest in our lives (super tough one for me to accept!) just seems and feels so wrong.  Just want you to know you're not alone and that you're perceptions are keen.  My mom's lack of interest used to make me feel guilty!  How weird is that?

You've come to right place for a compassionate ear, understanding and education... .   

Please continue to post, it really helps, and we look forward to hearing more about you,

-Phoebe

[WolfSpider]

Thanks for your reply, Phoebe!

To answer your first question, DH is very supportive of me. DH's family is extremely close and I think at first he assumed bro was just sort of a "character," a little rough around the edges but basically a nice guy once he let his guard down and learned to trust you. Problem is, bro has never learned to trust anyone and seems to feel persecuted at all times. He then, I guess, feels justified in "punishing" the "persecutor"... .  who was usually me until we went NC.

With regard to your second question, I would really like to be able to discuss my sadness and frustration about the bro situation with my mother.  :'(  :'(  :'(

I am at the point where I try to say, calmly, I don't feel comfortable discussing this subject, when the reality is I feel like telling her my opinions in detail even though it does no good and only makes her angry and defensive.

I told my DH the other day, I wish it was all my fault, then I could fix it.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi WolfSpider and welcome! 

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in with your mother and brother. It's tough when you feel like you're trapped in a Karpman triangle, and I know what you mean about wishing you could have a closer relationship with your mother.

You've done a lot of work on yourself, which is fantastic, and it's clear that you've done a lot of reading and research.  Please feel free to jump into the conversation here, as we all can relate to what you're going through in varying degrees.

I told my DH the other day, I wish it was all my fault, then I could fix it.

Oh, I know. I've said the same thing to my T and DH. 

You mentioned that you've changed your expectations for your mother--how would you like to see boundaries shape your relationship with her in the future?

[WolfSpider]

Hi, GeekyGirl

Thanks for your response. To answer your question, I'm not sure how I hope to see boundaries shape the relationship with my mother in the future.