A common Tactic?

[ron7127]

Short and sweet: My sister, who I believe, for a variety of reasons, is NPD, commonly tells me that others are saying bad things about me, and agree with her.

When I check, these people deny it, and are , usually, upset that she has done this.

Anyone else experience this, the quoting others etc , only to find that the others have never said these things?

[atcrossroads]

Wow, my husband does this to me, but he is vague and doesn't give names.  It has come up about a variety of issues (my personality "flaws".

Him:  "And, I'm not the only one who thinks this!" 

Me:  "Who else thinks this?" 

Him:  "A lot more people than you realize, blah, blah."

He is insinuating people at work but never gives me names.  I dismiss it, but it's WEIRD and shows that he's smearing me to people (which I know he insults me to people at work -his "friends".

One example:   A few months ago, he accused me of having an affair because I was working late a lot (I like the job; he hates it -- we work same job).  I was stunned and said so, and that prompted, "Others think that too.  It's a totally reasonable thing to think.  What else would you be doing getting home so late? etc."  What the heck?  I'm at work, where the hell do you think I am?  He knows this full well too, and if he wanted to could drive just a few minutes to see my car at work.  He cheated on me online last year -- projecting onto me, I guess.

BTW, this incident (being accused of cheating) was one of a succession of things in the few months that were the straws that broke the camel's back.  I kind of "woke up"... .  only took me 10+ years.

It's maddening, isn't it? 

[ron7127]

Thank you. It is maddening and one is sort of defenseless against this. The only way I can know if she is telling the truth is to check with the people, and that is awkward and embarrassing.

I've noticed that many disordered types seem to do this. It is so cowardly. If  my sister has a problem with me, why can't she just stand on her own two feet? She needs to make it look like she has aall this support for her attacks.

Your H's method sounds even more frustrating, as he does not disclose  names, so you have no way of checking.

[bpdspell]

Short and sweet: My sister, who I believe, for a variety of reasons, is NPD, commonly tells me that others are saying bad things about me, and agree with her.

When I check, these people deny it, and are , usually, upset that she has done this.

Anyone else experience this, the quoting others etc , only to find that the others have never said these things?

Hey Ron7127,

The best way to handle passive aggressive behavior is to be grounded in who you are. Often when people feel bad about themselves they'll spread their misery like the cholera.   Telling you that you aren't "likable" by other people is really about them chopping your tree down to make themselves feel better. Anyone who chops others down to feel better about themselves can't really feel good about who they are.

When I hear "no one likes you" what I really hear is: "I don't like me... .  I don't like myself, I hate myself, I'm full of self-loathing, no one really likes me... .  people will never really like me, I feel rotten on the inside, I have to get rid of these ugly feelings somehow... .  "

These manipulation tactics only chip away at your esteem if your esteem is dependent upon what others think and feel about you. Unfortunately many of us on here care about what our NPD and BPD's think; particularly of us. This is a very common trait within codependency. When we care too much about what others think we can get easily manipulated into questioning our own worth. I can admit to not having the strongest sense of my self when I entered my BPD relationship and my ex certainly exploited this until I took my power back.

You may perceive these tactics as cowardly but try shifting your perspective. Misery loves company and they're really just trying to get you to feel as bad as they do about themselves.   What really matters is how we allow others to define us. What do you think and feel about yourself? This is what need to be strengthened within us.

You can never allow anyone; particularly a mentally ill person to define your like ability. That's giving them entirely too much of our personal power.

Spell

[angel123]

Glad you posted this. I just remembered something really odd that started happening about 6 months into my relationship with my ex. One day he called me up and told me that a mutual friend of ours told him that when I was in college (our mutual friend and I went to same university), I was apparently having orgies with a group of guys who were hippies? Now, this went into great detail, even to the point he said they were the "hippy" type. I was floored. I called our mutual friend and asked her about this and she was totally shocked and disgusted beyond belief. She sent him an email and cc:ed me and asked him why on earth he would make something like that up and she never said anything of the sort and she has a great deal of respect for me, on and on. Of course he never responded to her. My ex was a much closer friend to this person than I ever was. She was just an acquaintance really to me. The best part is that he never spoke to her again after that. 20 years of friendship down the toilet. He was like that though. He's turned his back on most of his friends he's known for a long time and at one point or another, I've heard him bash and gossip about almost every single person he knows.

[Dire Wolf]

Yes, my uBPDxW loves to try to tell me what other people are "saying" about me. It took me a long time to realize it is just nonsense. Even if they were thinking badly about me, I reaalized it was because they were getting their information from her - so the truth was frigteningly twisted.

The best defense I have found is to not bothering to take the bait. Either ignore it or I have said: "There is no need for you to share what you hear with me. I certainly do not bother to share with you what I hear people say about you."

It is a real drag. But be very careful about beliveing what they are saying. I like what BPDspell said: "be grounded in who you are"

Your self confidence will carry you far.

Dire Wolf

[lost not dead]

I have faced this evil for years and still do. My family thinks your to needy or my friends think you're to insecure to deal with me going out with them so they don't invite me. The latest is my T says he thinks you have the problem and have abused me into acting this way. Her T and I speak after almost every session they have. He started this after three month of joint sessions with us because of all the miss info he was getting. She gave him permission to speak with me to make sure I understood what he meant. I have screamed into the woods so often in frustration it is unreal. I defused her once with a challenge over several bad behaviors. I suggested we dress and act as survey takers at a mall some 2 hour drive from our home to avoid recognition. In the survey we would pose the behavior and record peoples responce. If she was right I would give in and appologize. She refused to go. I said fine I'll go alone. She said if you go I will be gone when you get back. Wonder what she was scared of?

[ron7127]

Thank you all. Good advice and it is nice to know others  understand this deal.

I do handle it, largely , by ignoring it. And, I have posed the question whether she would like me to disclose what others)like my other siblings say about her((essentially that she is a disordered nut)). But, i do not want to betray the other siblings, as she will start in on them.

[FindingMe2011]

Thank you. It is maddening and one is sort of defenseless against this. The only way I can know if she is telling the truth is to check with the people, and that is awkward and embarrassing.

Hmm, NPD or what ever. A need for drama. Lets find some players for the triangle. Best not to feed into it, and allow these people to confront you. Your next run in with these people, will tell you all you need to know. If it feels off, have a mature conversation... .  I wish you well, PEACE

And, I have posed the question whether she would like me to disclose what others)like my other siblings say about her((essentially that she is a disordered nut)). But, i do not want to betray the other siblings, as she will start in on them.

Feeding, and picking your seat

[atcrossroads]

So, it seems we have discerned that yes, it IS a common trait. 

Spell, your answer in insightful, and I think, spot on.  As I am learning more and more, the part that tears me up the most is the realization that my uBPDh is in such utter and complete MISERY and always will be.  He has told me so himself during a few of his total breakdowns but most of the time he wears his charm or anger as a front.

I cannot get over the sorrow I feel about this realization.  Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread; your script of the BPD's unhappy self-talk just really got to me.   :'(

[GreenMango]

The best way to handle passive aggressive behavior is to be grounded in who you are. Often when people feel bad about themselves they'll spread their misery like the cholera. 

this analogy cracks me... .  you get cholera by eating/drinking food or water that is contaminated with crap.

A situation like this is like eating other people's crap basically.  No need to do that.   Their misery doesn't have to be your misery.  Like Spell said, good self-esteem really helps with this.  It's like a crap filter.

If anybody, because bad mouthing people isn't reserved to just people with BPD,  wants to share a glass of their cholera with you leave it on the table.

[PDX40]

OMG all this sounds so familiar.

Definitely one of my ex wife's specialties, especially in front of our daughter.

Just last week she told me in a rage that my mom told her one year ago that I was a disgrace to the family and she wished I would have succeeded with my suicide attempt.

All nonsense but what does that show a child?

[FogLight]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah, a common tactic from my BPDex AND manipulative people in general, lots of people use it.  Like others have said, just ignore it, and do not think it means anything at all about you.  Those who use this tactic are actually showing how they feel about themselves, in my BPDex's case it was to prove that I was really the "bad guy", not her.  Simply discount it, it's just another manipulative tool that speaks volumes of those who use it.

[id-crisis]

It also serves to alienate you from the people they are insinuating have said those horrible things.

My ex did this to me from the start, it served to alienate me which also prevented me from becoming too close to anyone he knew ... .  which guaranteed I wouldn't accidentally let the cat out of the bag as far as his incredibly duplicitous and abusive behaviour was concerned - while he was busy portraying the abused victim.

I'm horrified at how easily he duped and manipulated people. Very scary person indeed.

[BentNotBroken]

I was isolated from my BPDexgf's family right after our son was born. She had been painting me black for years, a little bit at a time. Once she was ready to fully discard me, the comments (screaming) regarding other people went like this:

My parents are furious at you, they don't want to speak to you!

You abuse me all the time, and everybody sees it!

It's your behavior, and everyone sees it! (she never could give me specifics, just my "behavior" in general.)

You yell at everybody, all the time!

etc, and so on.

I asked around a few times, as I was questioning my own sanity at that point. Never once did I get an affirmative response to my question, "Have I ever yelled at you, or anyone else that you know of?"

This crazymaking, isolating tactic was very effective in cutting me off from the few people I still had contact with outside of my own family. She also added in telling people I was a drug addict that abused her and neglected my newborn son. Many people were so convinced of her horrific lies that they just cut off all contact with me. I could tell when she had worked on someone, because of the looks of disgust I would get from them. It felt awful, and still does when it happens.

[ron7127]

That is a very tough situation, Bent, and I think many of us have experienced it, the smearing etc. It is hard to know what to do, as they are , often, very convincing liars and they have "gotten" to people with false info behind our backs.

If you try to defend yourself, you look nuts, and that plays right into their hands.

Unfortunately, I think the only way to really handle this is to lose some relationships. I think that those who really knowus will remain loyal and will not beleive their stuff. But, the tangential folks, who have no history with you, at least not a long one, are susceptible to believing the smearing.

The exceptions are folks who know the BPDs history. I was fortunate in that reagard. The folks I was smeared to knew my sister and already had her pegged, based on the way she has lived her life.