New to this Site, Not new to BPD

[shimmersh]

Hi Everyone,

I'm so excited to have found a site full of other people going through the same confusing types of relationships I've experienced all my life.  It's already been helpful to realize that I'm not alone, and a few posts touched so close to home they brought tears to my eyes.

Last week, my mother was hospitalized again. She was first diagnosed with BPD when I was 12, and although I'm 29 now, her life continues to roller coaster through highs and lows. It's difficult to put into words the sense of anger, guilt, frustration, insecurity and sadness I've experienced this week alone. While being admitted to the hospital on Tuesday, my mother called to tell me that she was 'brought to the hospital by a friend who actually cared about her' and that she 'would be calling the animal shelter to report that I'm neglecting and abusing my cat'.  (of course I'm not sure where this idea came from).

My mother has destroyed nearly every relationship she has had, and burns all her bridges.  She has such a small support system, so when she's inpatient, the doctors often call me.  I always wonder about visiting, wonder if it's helpful or enabling.  I also get frustrated that when I do reach out to help her or call her she cuts me down, picks fights, and blames her current state on me.  She tries so hard to push me away, and makes it difficult for me to call and visit.  And of course, if I don't call, she'll hold that against me for months too.

My hope is that I can use this site to help build my own strength. I feel like I still need to develop skills to help me separate myself from my mother's feelings.  10-15 minutes of talking to her will spin me right back into my own self-doubt, insecurity, loss of control, guilt and anger.  My husband always encourages me to try not to let her affect me so much, so I am looking for strategies for myself and advice for communicating and continuing a more health relationship with her.

Thank you for any insight you have or posts you can direct me to.  

-Shimmersh

[livednlearned]

 

Hi shimmersh, and welcome! It has to be hard to deal with your mother's physical health as well as her mental health, too. I came to these boards after divorcing my N/BPD ex husband, but working with a therapist and learning from the articles, workshops, and members here made me realize that my father and brother have many N/BPD traits. I thought the silent treatment was how all families dealt with conflict  . Having family members who are disordered can make for a tough life. Are you doing ok and getting support?

Hope you've been finding your way around the site ok. Maybe you've already come across this article: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children. Seems like it would be helpful for you at this stage. Or have you already done some reading?

I was out of my marriage by the time I learned some of the communication tools mentioned on bpdfamily.com, but they've been helpful in dealing with everyone around me, including coworkers. I'm getting the silent treatment right now from my dad and brother, so I haven't tried these tools out with them yet, but here's a link in case it helps point you toward some of the techniques others here find useful: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I also foundRadical Acceptance for family members to be helpful, and learned about this from another member here: COMMUNICATION: Wise Mind - respond, don't react.

Glad you found the site, and hope you find lots of support. I have found the advice and support here to be priceless. Literally changed my life.

[ianl]

Hi Shimmers,

Sorry to hear you're going through this.  I can definitely relate.   My mother is BPD and has had periodic hospitalizations, the last one was about a year ago.  In that case, I actually called 911 to have her taken to the hospital after a continuous stream of literally hundreds of emails and voicemails and Facebook messages, bashing me, threatening me, hurling the most horrible insults, threatening to hurt herself and me, etc.  Who knows what really precipitated it other than that I am a "bad son" and she didn't feel I was "doing right by her."   In any event, she was hospitalized for two weeks only to still blame me for causing the hospitalization -- if I had been more loving and kind, I never would have called 911, etc.  Of course, it's very hard to be endlessly loving and kind to someone who constantly tells you you're worthless!

Like your mother, mine has burned many bridges and ruins many relationships.  She's even partially responsible for the dissolution of MY last serious relationship.  Luckily, now I have a wonderfully supportive girlfriend, who like your husband, encourages me to maintain an emotional distance.  It is very hard to do.  When a parent is telling you that you are inadequate, you want to prove them wrong or convince them that you're actually a good person.  I'm frequently sucked her into abuse spirals, even though what I should do is just ignore them.  I try to convince her that I'm not a bad son, but it's always pointless.  I also suffer from guilt that maybe I'm not doing enough for her, that maybe some part of her is actually right about me, all the self doubt you're speaking of.  But I know that the healthiest thing is for me to just stay away from her when she's being toxic and not engage. 

Best of luck to you, and please keep us updated.

Ian 

[Bama]

Hey Shimmers,

I'm new to this site as well. But definitely no stranger to BPD. There is a book that was recommended to me, Christine Ann Lawson's "understanding the borderline mother." It bought tears to my eyes, but also made my jaw hit the floor. Finally, validation! Somebody else was describing everything I was feeling but never knew how to put into words.

What I would offer to your situation is this: I have found myself struggling with feelings of worthlessness and rejection, because my BPD mother does the same helpmehelpme, ineed you, goawaythisisyourfault. It's like, if I'm not good enough to be loved and accepted by my own mother what good am I? And I have to remind myself all the time, she can't give you what she doesn't have herself. She is projecting her confusion, depression, rejection---fill in the blank with an emotion here--- onto you. If you have time, read up on Projective Identification.

My healing process usually involves learning and reading as much as I can. Something about having a full understanding of everything makes it seem more "subjective" and less emotional. It takes the punch out of it and allows me to sort thru and make better sense of things.

Hope this is helpful.

Bama