Avoidant attachment

[Depression = 72% of members]

I finally had a change to read thru some of Pete Walker's article:

"Functional parents respond to a child's depression with concern and comfort; abandoning parents respond to it with anger, disgust and further abandonment... .  "

Sounds like what happens when you date a BPD!

"A child who is never comforted when she is depressed has no model for developing a self-comforting response to her own depression."

How sad

"She is then driven to desperately seek connection and acceptance through the numerous processes of perfectionism and endangerment ... .  Her inner critic also typically becomes emotional perfectionistic, as it imitates her parent's contempt of her emotional pain about abandonment. The child learns to judge her dysphoric feelings as the cause of her abandonment."

Why we may continue to seek relationship with a BPD and when they criticize, project, and blame us, why we might believe some of it... .  or at the very least get stuck defending ourselves and trying to fix it instead of just leaving the bad situation.

[HardTruth]

I finally had a change to read thru some of Pete Walker's article:

"Functional parents respond to a child's depression with concern and comfort; abandoning parents respond to it with anger, disgust and further abandonment... .  "

Sounds like what happens when you date a BPD!

"A child who is never comforted when she is depressed has no model for developing a self-comforting response to her own depression."

How sad

"She is then driven to desperately seek connection and acceptance through the numerous processes of perfectionism and endangerment ... .  Her inner critic also typically becomes emotional perfectionistic, as it imitates her parent's contempt of her emotional pain about abandonment. The child learns to judge her dysphoric feelings as the cause of her abandonment."

Why we may continue to seek relationship with a BPD and when they criticize, project, and blame us, why we might believe some of it... .  or at the very least get stuck defending ourselves and trying to fix it instead of just leaving the bad situation.

[charred]

I still feel somewhat hooked on my exBPDgf, and she on me. Any time we are together it is nice briefly, then argumentative, then downright nasty. Gets their quick now, as my pwBPD starts in on questioning me about my exwife, am I giving her money, and then starts with cussing.  She is downright insecure, and pushes me to be stressed and want nothing to do with her... .  then freaks that I don't want anything to do with her, and paints me black. Think she is stuck in a loop.

My exwife is easy to deal with, and I keep thinking I should get back with her, but its been 3 yrs, and I am remembering all the nice stuff, not everything... .  simple stuff like snoring... omg did she snore, I traveled all the time and often had to get up at 2am, and can't count how many times I had not fallen asleep yet due to the snoring when the alarm went off. My couch is destroyed from sleeping on it for years to avoid the snoring. A younger more attractive gal sounds appealing... had a few interested. Right now I know 4 gals I could be in r/s with, and am not chasing any of them seriously... .  and I believe its just the avoidance behavior I have always had. Normally I would pick one and force myself... .  would rather be comfortable with myself, be hanging out with friends, doing things I like and meeting other ladies... .  but I tend to stay in and avoid people most the time, if I am not working.

The most tempting gal and the one with the least likelyhood of working out... .  pwBPD. She dieted, got her self looking great... .  dumped her back in June of last year and was NC, more like LC now, but ... .  she took up with guy instantly... got an STD... and is pissed at him now. Doesn't tempt me back... .  at least I am seeing the situation a bit more realistically.

It all is like a chronic tiny anxiety thing... never fully comfortable. I have tried all kinds of things to get comfortable, thought it was a self-confidence thing, worked out was very muscular/in-shape, did martial arts, won some national titles... got more interest from gals, but didn't change that distancing anxiety feeling. Mindfulness meditation has helped as much as anything, but it is fleeting, I don't stay in the anxiety free state while doing anything, it cuts the anxiety level and connects me to emotions better... .  which has some odd effects... saw a Danny Thomas Children's hospital advertisement with kids with cancer... .  and burst out in tears... bizarre for me. Thinking I will keep working on this stuff, but would rather be callous than wimpy and in touch with my feminine side.

[HardTruth]

Ha ha!  Getting in touch with your feminine side isn't wimpy, dude!

How are you going to find someone who's heart meets your heart if you're not in touch with your emotions?  You want someone who is good at emotional rapport, right?  When you're upset, they come and comfort you... no judgement... .  

Versus the BPD way - when you're upset... .  they get mad at you for something that doesn't make sense... .  then criticize you... .  

Being in touch with your emotions helps you know what's true for you... .  

Helps you know when someone is telling the truth and when they're lying or giving you a big story... .  

Helps you know what you want and what is REALLY going to make you feel happy and fulfilled - not just the using the strategy of distracting yourself, in the end only to find that you were "happy" for a moment when you accomplished your goal, but now you feel disappointed again... .  

Being connected to your emotions doesn't mean you are overwhelmed by them.  That may be your experience so far - like with the TV ad.  And your exBPD.  But that's just the pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other as you try to find middle ground.  In my opinion, anyway.

I used to have chronic anxiety.  I would burst out in tears just from getting a hug!  It was embarrassing.  I wanted hugs, but avoided them at the same time because I didn't want to embarrass myself.

If you want change to happen quickly, it probably won't, but if you look back a year from now - you'll see that you've made progress and your life is better from the work you're doing right now, I think.  I started working on myself when I was 18 and escaped living in a tool shed (we were homeless when I was in high school) and a travel trailer... .  I'm 45 now.  Still have lots of work to do.  But living with chronic anxiety?... .  no, not for years... .  It does get better with time and effort.

[HardTruth]

And actually, the funny thing now - if I run into friends from massage school, they greet me with a hug... .  if I run into people from medical school who were in the same class as myself - regardless of whether we were "friends" or not - greeted with a hug... all of my friends, pretty much, when we get together, regardless of gender - they all greet me with a hug!  Even friends of friends, when we part, often part with a hug.  It's insane.  Completely different from the life I led when I was young.  Only got touch from my little pets.

[charred]

Maybe I over-reacted a little, but I am not someone that tears up at commercials.

I am pretty sure I don't come across as anxious... its just inside I am often sort of nervous. If it is anything important, I do it anyway. However it does have me deciding not to do a lot of things I might otherwise... stay home instead of go out, that kind of thing.

I have worked south of the border before, and people hug/kiss, even guys at times, and it wasn't a problem... .  however after being down 7 months... everyone else was pretty close with people and I wasn't and it was awkward being the awkward one... though I doubt anyone else thought much of it.

Worst thing is my mom... she is awkward and it makes me more so... .  if she wants a hug it is like a zombie/mummy scene... just stiff and weird.

I do feel like mindfulness exercises have helped me connect a bit more with my feelings... .  need to stick with it I guess.

As to the BPD way... .  I agree, it was me being jumped on always. Thinking about it... I am a bit detached/insensitive, and dating a hyper-sensitive high strung woman (pwBPD)... isn't going to turn out well... .  sure hasn't so far.

I am pretty good at detecting BS... with the exception of my pwBPD... whom I let slide with a lot of it... have little doubt that being attuned to my emotions would help. I think things like eating too much, and some mistakes I have made were probably due to having a feeling and not really identifying correctly what feeling it was.

You are the first person I have heard say they overcame chronic anxiety, good job. I just want to feel comfortable/normal... but after 50 yrs... may just be a matter of getting better than I am, I have avoidant habits to deal with as well.