I saw him... first time in a year. How are you "meant" to feel?

[MeMeMe]

Hi everyone. 

Its been a year since ive been face to face with my ex BPD and 15 months since we split (the split was very, very bad!). We did not speak for a year and i was making good progress until i saw a poem that he had written about me on the internet professing his love for me. It made me spiral back into the pits of  hell and i lost my head. I undertook in heavy drinking, tried to call him and even once tried to see him (this was about 3 months ago now). I used to be very ashamed of that, but now im indifferent. I feel in the light of what i suffered, 2 indescretions is ok and it could have been worse... .  right?  Ive learnt a lot from those instances and feel ive moved forward (in a steps back one forward kinda way)

Ive have a new guy in my life and ive found this a little hard. He is very kind and loving and i find myself missing the "excitement and intesity" of my ex. Has anyone else had this? Is it right to feel this way? Im ready to move on but im on wobbly ground.

Anyhow, i was out at the weekend and for the first time... .  i came face to face with the ex. We were both in our cars and just stared at each other. I cant get his face out of my head. I cant describe his expression... .  shock, almost longing? I dont know, it confused me. But what really confused me was my reaction. My face flushed red hot and i started to shake, almost like i wanted to be sick. But im ashamed to say, i wanted him to turn around and come back. What is that all about. I dont want him back, i dont even like him. So whay do i feel like that?

Furthermore, i saw my new guy that evening and spent the WHOLE night thining about the ex. Almost comparing him to the ex and being dissapointed that i may never feel for this man, as i did the BPD. Is this normal?

Thanks

[mssomebodynice]

I don't know if it is normal?  You are further along on your journey.  They seem to suck life out of the people they have touched.  It is as if they suck out part of your soul and feed on it, then discard it.  It is all so painful.  Remember that they wear a mask.  It is so difficult to read the stories.  The distruction of peoples souls.  I just know that I want you to move on and find love and happiness.  Real love and happiness.  Wishing you well.

[Newton]

Hi MeMeMe I remember your break up very well and the awful level of intimidation and aggression you experienced    ... .  It must have been a real shock to see him again.

It's great to see you posting here still... .  

Reading up on "trauma bonds" will help to explain your conflicted feelings... .  a search here on bpdfamily.com will give you relevant articles... .  

[MeMeMe]

Hiya Newton, how are you doing?

Thank you for your kind words. Ive looked at it but its like the what im reading is understood... .  but my brain wont soak up the information. That sounds odd but its a good description of how i feel. I never let this board, just monitered how people are doing from afar and everyones story is the same, the details are just different.

Ive suffered the smear campaign, just like everyone else, and ive relapsed in wanting to see him. But you know, i feel proud today of where i am now. Its like ironing out the last kinks in the steel. And i hope you know that what you said to me at the time of the aggression etc really helped with all of this. so i thank you.

Im dumbfounded by the lasting effects they have on people.

Mssomebodynice, whats your story?

[Newton]

After the amount of conditioning and mind control we experienced/subjected ourselves to from our partners it takes time to un-learn or de-programme ourselves... .  

Intellectual understanding of the words... .  and feeling differently about the situation will be a gradual process and often occurs in fits and starts.  A few steps forward... .  some back.  I'm really glad you aren't beating yourself up about a few trips on your path... .  that's all they are... .  little stumbles along the way... .  

I find using a basic CBT technique helps... .  If I experience those pangs I immediately acknowledge the feeling for what it is... .  a feeling... .  and then challenge it with truth statements I know to be fact... .  so simplified this might look like... .  

"Ok Newton you are really missing x right now (feeling)... .  probably caused by such and such trigger (photo, song, anniversary)... .  this relationship was unhealthy, destructive and these negative feelings are the result of a trauma bond"... .  (facts)

Even just saying the words to yourself or writing them down can significantly ease the feelings... .  prevent you starting to ruminate... .  or even worse reach out to your ex.  It's not a sure fire technique... .  I know from experience   but it can really help.

Considering what you've been through you have come a long way in a year... .  you should be proud of yourself 

Feelings can take a long time to catch up with facts... .  it'll take as long as it needs to take... .   

[MeMeMe]

Wow, you know that sounds so simple, but amazingly effective. How long have you been practising that?

I always also try to remember my friend said "you do not need to act on every emotion. Its just an emotion - not an order. Own it, acknowledge it, question it".

Thank you, i appreciate that. Hope things are ok in your world. Scary isnt, where did that year go?

[HarmKrakow]

Having a relationship with a BPD is like drugs. You always feel high when you are on it, it's incredibly hard to stay away from it and the moment your clean and your faced with it, you don't wan't anything back besides that chasing the high feeling.

However, being high doesn't get you anywhere. It's nothing real.

And u likely will never have such an intense relationship again as with your exBPD. So? Is that a problem? See where it led you, the person still drives his car in your head way to often, while he continues his life. Is it worth feeling misery for such a thing? I doubt that.

[Newton]

I did the basic CBT course offered by the NHS (6-8 weeks) about a year and a half ago... .  you can access it through your GP... .  for some reason they ask you to disengage from a T temporarily if you have one whilst you do the course ... .  (no idea why so I chose not to follow that request )... .  

It sounds like you have a wise friend... .  "Own it, acknowledge it, question it" (although I use the word "challenge" it... .  you can challenge a feeling without necessarily doubting it's validity as a "real" feeling.)

I was initially sceptical about the effectiveness of CBT as I'd heard anecdotally it's a bit of a sticking plaster.  I found the techniques effective in combination with good diet, exercise, meds, long term talking therapy etc... .  

It's another useful tool in my kit  

And yes! where exactly did that year go!    

[just me.]

My face flushed red hot and i started to shake, almost like i wanted to be sick. But im ashamed to say, i wanted him to turn around and come back. What is that all about. I dont want him back, i dont even like him. So whay do i feel like that?

I think most of us that had r/s with a pwBPD probably trained ourselves to accept the "good moments" as a nearly genuine erasure of the pain that came before it.  So when my wife would tell me I was the most wonderful person in the world - I was not only receiving a wonderful sentiment from a beautiful woman, I was also finally able to erase all the terrible, terrible, terrible things she had said before.  That's why it feels so much like addiction... .  it's like you're chasing the dragon, always trying to recover what you've lost.

When a relationship like this ends, you're left with only the loss... .  only the bad.  You may have become used to these lows during the r/s, but you'd also come to count on the inevitable recovery that would follow.  When it's over, you're now suddenly just without that recovery.  It is natural to be overcome with the need to find it again.  This notion that he might be looking at you with longing would seem to suggest to you (the probably very real) opportunity for that recovery and erasure that you've been asked to go without for so long now.  It might be nice to experience some passion with him, but I'd guess much of the craving on your part has to do with the prospect of him dispelling all the pain he caused you... .  telling you it wasn't real... .  reminding you he loves you and you didn't deserve it... .  making it okay... .  

again... .  

for a moment.


-----

What I try to do when overcome with this longing (whether faced with potential opportunity or not) is this:

I picture myself in a retirement home with my ex.  I imagine that we'd spent our whole entire lives together.  And then I picture her yelling at me about all the ways I ruined her life... .  all the things she could have been without me.  I picture her tears of overwhelming grief and self-pity as she laments the mistake she made in letting herself be with such an arrogant jerk that "never helped" her... .  and that "never really understood" her the way so many others have.

This detachment is like a nightmare.  But gosh... .  waking up one day to realize you'd dedicated your whole life to someone that on any given day will just forget everything and truly, truly hate you... .  that's worse.  :)on't you think?

You can either move forwards or you can move backwards.  It sounds like you've gone miles forward already... .  just keep going.

[bpdspell]

Hi everyone. 

Its been a year since ive been face to face with my ex BPD and 15 months since we split (the split was very, very bad!). We did not speak for a year and i was making good progress until i saw a poem that he had written about me on the internet professing his love for me. It made me spiral back into the pits of  hell and i lost my head. I undertook in heavy drinking, tried to call him and even once tried to see him (this was about 3 months ago now). I used to be very ashamed of that, but now im indifferent. I feel in the light of what i suffered, 2 indescretions is ok and it could have been worse... .  right?  Ive learnt a lot from those instances and feel ive moved forward (in a steps back one forward kinda way)

Ive have a new guy in my life and ive found this a little hard. He is very kind and loving and i find myself missing the "excitement and intesity" of my ex. Has anyone else had this? Is it right to feel this way? Im ready to move on but im on wobbly ground.

Anyhow, i was out at the weekend and for the first time... .  i came face to face with the ex. We were both in our cars and just stared at each other. I cant get his face out of my head. I cant describe his expression... .  shock, almost longing? I dont know, it confused me. But what really confused me was my reaction. My face flushed red hot and i started to shake, almost like i wanted to be sick. But im ashamed to say, i wanted him to turn around and come back. What is that all about. I dont want him back, i dont even like him. So whay do i feel like that?

Furthermore, i saw my new guy that evening and spent the WHOLE night thining about the ex. Almost comparing him to the ex and being dissapointed that i may never feel for this man, as i did the BPD. Is this normal?

Thanks

Hey Mememe,

This is a difficult position to be in. To be quite honest a year out is really not that long in terms of your own personal healing. While you might not love your exBPD anymore from the looks of it you aren't completely detached either.

You have some more personal inventory to work on and that's ok but I think you need to have a heart to heart with yourself and the person you are now currently seeing. Quite honestly; it isn't fair to the other person to be in an unknowing unsuspecting predicament of emotional limbo. You can't really be there fully for this person and this at some point needs to be brought to the table.

I tried dating and sex after my BPD and it didn't work because I wasn't detached and I was very much still addicted to the idealization of what I shared with my BPD. I've met some really nice guys but I wasn't ready. I realized that I was dating people to cover up my own emptiness and sadness. This link can be helpful:

When are we ready to start a new relationship?

And I agree with just me... .  in spite of set backs... .  keep moving forward. Recovery from trauma bonds takes time and patience. Just remember to remain as honest with yourself as possible.

Spell

[Ex-Vamp-Slayer]

MeMeMe,

I would not make too much of it or over think it. I would consider it like a drug addiction and you had a moment of relapse. It is part of the recovery process. I too currently have a new relationship that I value and I have been honest in where I am in my recovery. In fact this relationship ahas been very helpful in my recovery and my therapist agrees, ths relationship is not filling a whole. The comparisons are and can be healthy. How else can you discover to be in a new healthy relationship? how would you know that you miss the intensity? That in itself means you value your current relationship as you notice the peace, now you need to learn to value it.

If you are honest in where you are and that you are a work in progress the other individual s an adult and they can make their own decision. If you wait until you are perfectly healed you might be a very long time. Do what you think is right for you with honesty and intergrity... .  

[Phoenix.Rising]

My face flushed red hot and i started to shake, almost like i wanted to be sick. But im ashamed to say, i wanted him to turn around and come back. What is that all about.

I agree with some of the others who stated that detaching from these relationships is very similar to withdrawing from drugs.  I recently saw my ex during the holidays after not seeing her for about 4 months, and I was shaking the whole time I was in her presence (more on the inside as I don't think it was that visibly noticeable).  I am a recovering alcoholic and that feeling was almost identical to craving a fix.  Although I did fall in love with her, she is like a drug to me.  I became addicted to her.  A form of codependency is being addicted to a person. 

My brain knows that she is unhealthy and potentially dangerous for me, but my feelings will fight against it.  I like what others have stated about CBT and positive reinforcement.  This is not easy, but it's not impossible, either.  Hang in there. 

[MeMeMe]

Wow thank you all for your comments, they've been extremely helpful. Your completely correct. Just me, your are 100% correct. It's a longing for them to stop the pain they have caused. A year ago I may have gone back to him for this reason. I, and many of us, have done this havent we. The circle of abuse. But now I wouldn't, I guess it's grieving the loss of the feelings I had towards him as I had never felt like that about anyone.

I'm pleased with myself as I can logically see this. It doesn't upset me, I can see it and I'm waiting for the final coins to drop into place.

The beauty of my new "friend" is that he was friends with my ex and I when we were together. He stopped speaking to my ex after he degraded me and raged in public whilst we were having a social gathering. When we split, we remainded friends and he supported me through the stabbing incident and our final split. He split from his girlfriend 8 months ago and our relationship has became closer and weve been romantically involved for about a month. He knows all there is to know, as I'd confided in him as a friend. He fully knows the situation and is nothing but supportive. We're taking it slowly and he's patient with me.

The other side of this is I also got to hear about the exs version of events. I was described as a "manipulative lying nutter who tried to lose my ex his job". Wow. That stung until I realised, that is projection at its very worst.

[just me.]

I want to add one other thing that I've been contemplating upon this subject.  I'm still in the detachment phase, so I apologize if my naivete on the process of moving on to another shows through too much... .  

I just feel like there is a qualitative difference between the nature of a relationship with a pwBPD and someone who does not have BPD.  A r/s with a pwBPD seems in many ways to be a solo journey, in which the pwBPD is your own personal intense experience.  A r/s with a healthier person should mean that life is the experience... .  and your partner is just your companion on that ride.

It feels very different to me.  The epic, dark, twisting, heroic journey you take alone through the soul of a pwBPD is sensational, and mesmerizing, and awful, and unsustainable... .  and it's also something I would not expect to ever be replicated in a healthy relationship.

But that's good news:  Now you have the chance to make your whole life your epic journey... .  and you have the opportunity to feel grateful to have someone there to go on the journey with you.  Think of all the things you want to experience in this lifetime, and do them.  You can finally put your energy into something other than a black hole.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Very eloquently put, just_me_500. 

In my experience with exBPD, I flew with angels and consorted with devils.  I saw the very best of me, and the very worst of me.  It was a dichotomous experience like no other I've had...

[MeMeMe]

I know exactly what you mean. I've never felt so alone as when I was with my ex, and by the sounds of it, you have had a similar experience. Any issue/problem I had was met with dis interest or rage. It stopped me talking about it.

How long have you been split with your ex?

The differences are outstanding of spending time with a "normal" guy. We were chatting and I said "oh I thought you were going to he nasty". His reply was "why would I ever be nasty to you". And it's sad that you feel that is a kind gesture, when it's just how regulated people behave to each other.

I read on someone's signature "someone gave me a box of darkness, but I now realise that was a gift". I hope we experienced these relationships for a reason. And the reason is it teaches us to only accept balanced, kind, calm people into our lives.

[MeMeMe]

Beautifully put Phoenix. Rings very true.

I actually thought my ex had sent me partially insane towards the end. I saw the worst of myself and more scary, was that I had began to understand him. His thought process was merging into mine and I knew it was time to go immediately.

I would rather die that trade places with someone suffering from this illness. The haunted look on their faces tells you all you need to know. To not have the ability to obtain peace and happiness is a complete shame.

[Newton]

Me... .  your last post shows some fantastic insight into enmeshment and just how ill they are... .  

You are not as lost on your path as you think 

In the words of Friedrich Nietzsche... .  "And when you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you"... .  

I literally lived my ex's life for a few days... .  we were on holiday together, totally enmeshed... .  I had experienced a year of her delusions, projection, paranoia, rage, transference, push/pull   etc.

I actually thought I was losing my mind... .  it was terrifying... .  and as a result I behaved in ways previously unimaginable to myself.

I believe that my experience was close to her daily interpretation of the world... .  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... .  

[MeMeMe]

Thank you Newton! The researching and learning truely does pay off doesnt it.

When you have visited their world, you realise what a scary place it is dont you. So lonely and empty. Seeing that is both a blessing and a curse I believe. It's a blessing as it helps you to see what your dealing with (impossible losing situation) but a curse because you see what someone you care about is subject to on a daily basis.  Did you find your ex treated you better when you were constantly together? Or was it worse?

[Newton]

"A blessing and a curse"... .  once again... .  great insight from you  ... .  deciding to move forward from that blessing and rejecting the potential curse is the path to healing 

In answer to your question... .  It was SO much worse... .  for two reasons.  One because I simply couldn't cope with seeing her behave off the wall crazy (which she managed to hide more effectively when we were casual)... .  I realized her desperation and it played to my co-dependent traits even more... .  

Secondly... .  I was losing the plot as not only were my needs totally unmet... .  I was starting to act out as poorly as she was!... .  

In my opinion... .  the only solution to a desire for self preservation when dealing with an untreated romantic partner with BPD is as much physical and emotional distance as possible... .  sad and true.

[myself]

In my opinion... .  the only solution to a desire for self preservation when dealing with an untreated romantic partner with BPD is as much physical and emotional distance as possible... .  sad and true.

Once again, it's the closeness we're all looking for, offering, needing, that is what keeps us apart. As if a vital polarity is out of whack between a pwBPD's heart and mind. We 'save' ourselves by NOT being with those we love. Like a bad dream sometimes.

[Newton]

myself ... .  that is the key! 

Remember playing with strong magnets in science class as a kid?... .  when you try to put certain polarities together they naturally repel... .  doesn't matter how hard you try... .  that is the nature of the situation.

WE are trying to achieve something they can't... .  acceptance of that is so difficult because WE have soo much (often too much) to give... .  

When we start focusing on what we need and deserve, things become much clearer... .  

[MeMeMe]

It is sad but true. At least we had the insight and strength to leave. And we should be proud of that because it seems a lot of people don't, or can't. I understand they are ill but what I can't understand is how they can't want it to change. If I was completely miserable and knew something was wrong with me, I would want to change it and try to put it right so badly. I think they know something is wrong but don't feel the need to address it. Is this because of shame? Having to admit their issues and what they have done?

[myself]

I think they know something is wrong but don't feel the need to address it.

They do address it. It's called 'projection'. It's called 'somebody elses fault'. A lifetime spent running away from yourself, you most likely won't really know yourself (or: you might know yourself TOO well, there's that, too). Does actual positive change take place when you don't face this kind of stuff, taking care of the hard personal work? No. Not for any of us. PwBPD do know something is wrong, they just usually make it worse, not better. It's up to us to not play into it, and not be dragged along with them.

[Newton]

Me... .  try to keep in mind this isn't about us... .  difficult as it is to appreciate as we were on the recieving end of their behaviour... .  

You are correct, it is based in shame... .  but the wounds they suffered happened long before we came on the scene.  In the current timeframe DENIAL is their shield... .  

That denial prevents them and protects them from accepting how ill they are, how poorly they act, acceptance of how they treated and rejected us... .  and where their core issues stem from... .  

Confronting those current realities would require them to address their past abuse that created this mental disorder... .  so they choose the path of least resistance... .  projecting that anger onto anyone they connect with emotionally... .  

[coffee shop]

I have sat down and written a letter (a few time, okay, several times). The letter is to my ex. I start out saying why we are apart, then I start thanking him for what he taught me or helped me accomplish. At times it is hard to think of things that were good. Other times I can think of good things (usually something triggered the missing him) but as I write I also start seeing the lies and how he did these things just to get what he wanted etc. I finish with what I am better at now. and then I tear it up or burn it, which is very helpful too. When I really face myself I can see I am much less lonely without him than I was with him. Weird!

It has been almost 17 months since we separated and outside of court appearances we are NC for 15 months. I can't remember the last time I missed him. Keep your distance and give relationships a chance, or maybe there is time to be on your own without a guy to see how it feels to just think of what you want and need.

[MeMeMe]

Ahh I get it Newton, I understand. As you are aware if my story, you can imagine my shock when I spoke to my ex and he told me "what I did to you wasn't that bad"? This was during one of my two relapses and it made me realise he honestly believes that too.

Writing a letter must be a great release, my letter would probably be too long . I think I owe it to myself to give relationships a chance. The ex has robbed me of 4 years of my life. 4 years of confusion, absolute heartbreak and trauma. Enough is enough, I'm 32 years old and want to move on. It's time to find my own peace of mind and get my life together.

I don't want to "mirror" him in the life is screwed beyond repair. We all deserve that don't we.

[Phoenix.Rising]

The haunted look on their faces tells you all you need to know.

I saw this look more than once, and I'll never forget it.  It's incredibly sad, but true, that the closeness we so desire is what repels them the most.  But I also know that they desire it as well. 

My ex loved to watch movies about falling about in love.  But she once made the comment that she didn't think that was the way things were in real life, which to some extent is true.  Hollywood does not equal real life.  She then told me that she felt differently after meeting and being with me, that she believed in true love.  But I found out she was incapable of sustaining it.  I do love her, but if I'm honest, the most loving thing I can do at this point, is to her go.  If I stay, my heart will be slowly ripped to shreds.

[Newton]

Me... .  I'm really glad you have a man in your life who appreciates you... .  I want the best for you so will offer a few words of advice (even though you didn't ask   )... .  

Try to keep your stuff where it belongs... .  with you.  If your man asks about how things were with your ex... .  perhaps just say "I appreciate your concern... .  I'm working on it" (you are!)... .  that's the truth and it keeps it separate from your relationship... .  

The one thing that concerns me is your current partners connection with your ex... .  is that causing difficulties for you both?

[MeMeMe]

Thank you Newton and I think your right. It's not fair on him to keep bringing it up and let's be honest, no one likes "ex" stories!

It's been ok, it's helpful that he saw his behaviour so he understands. He thought the ex was wonderful at first. He really does seem wonderful when you first meet him, they have a way of doing that don't they. But he was horrified when he witnessed his behaviour. It kinda gives me comfort as I don't feel like I have to overly explain things. And he believes me when I tell him of the crazy stuff that went down. He saw it with his own eyes.

I don't however want him to think I'm not over it. I'm not completely but like you said, it's work in progress and I'm almost there!

Thanks again for your advice, it's been wonderful!