this weekend got weirder if that is possible

[david]

I picked boys up at school on Friday. Normally we drive to their moms to get their stuff for the weekend. If she is not there she puts a bag for each boy out front so they can pick it up and we go on our way. This routine has gone on for two plus years. This Friday, nothing was out front and she was not there. S14 called her and she said she was at work and that she would drop it off around 9 pm after her shidt at work. Red flags went up with me because this has never happened before. She has never offered to drop anything off, ever. Well, she called around 9:30 and said she wasn't coming. No big deal since both boys were not surprised either. S14 said we would pick the stuff up after karate the next day. Mom said okay. We drove to her place after karate. Her car was there as we expected her to be at work and we would just pick the bags up and leave. S14 went to ring the doorbell. I stayed in the car and had my video camera ready and my audio recorder on just in case. He came back shortly with both bags. He said "Mom doesn't make any sense." I asked him what he meant by that. He continued that mom said she called me and told me to pick the bags up at her work because she was working ? Yes she was at her residence and no I did not recieve any calls or voicemails. I checked to be sure. S14 said she kept repeating that "things were not adding up". She then told him she believed someone was trying to poison her. He blew it off after he told me what happened. I actually tried to talk to him about it because it really was off the charts compared to her regular behavior. He said there was nothing else to talk about and we dropped it. Today I went to court because ex wanted more child support. I showed up and she was a no show. The officer insisted I was behind on payments and that was why I was there. I had copies of everything to show I was in compliance and up to date. I had copies of canceled checks etc. They looked everything over and decided I was in compliance and then asked me why I was there. I showed them the order saying I was to be present at 8:30 am which I did. I went in front of a judge and he told me I could leave. Is everyone going crazy or is it just me ?

[DreamGirl]

Are you concerned for the kiddos, david?

Any way to open up a dialogue with her about the miscommunication about picking the bags up? (Do you still have RO in effect?)

Allowing you to guage the situation?

You're right, thinking someone is trying to poison you is more extreme then the "usual".

I also don't always like how the kids perceive and explain - often times it's them that are exaggerating or miscommunicating.  i.e. She could have gotten food poisoning and said it was the restaurant's fault in a BPD fashion - making it personal (and all about her).   

Something isn't right here in any sense, whether it be with your son's interpretation or her being really paranoid. Do you think it's worth some extra attention?

[david]

Things have been changing lately and I'm not sure what is happening. Ex has been sending me several emails threatening me with court action if I do not follow the court order. I am following the court order so this doesn't make any sense either. That is part of the reason I don't think S14 is exaggerating about what is going on. I have a friend that was at a party recently and it just happened that someone there also worked with ex. He indicated that ex is not exactly acting right at work either. It sounds like she is unraveling and I do have concern for the boys. Ex hasn't done anything that I think threatens them but her behavior has been getting worse the last month or two. It seems that she is ignoring them more than usual. My guess is whatever she is dealing with keeps her occupied in her own head. Even SS's (her kids from first marriage) that still have contact with her have indicated her behavior is getting bizzare.

Dialogue is impossible or at least I have no idea how to have dialogue with her. Pretty much anything I have tried to communicate has been twisted as an attack. I've even had a friend that is a psychologist read several before I send them and he thinks my emails are fine. I have shown him some of her replies and he said he would be concerned too.

There is no RO but I keep my physical distance because of past false allegations.

[Rubies]

I'm assuming your son has his own cell phone?  He has Safe People to call to call besides you to help or to extract him if things go really sideways?  Sit down with him and his phone and make sure those numbers are there and are correct.  It will give both of you a sense of security with the situation.

I totally understand your concerns.  It's scarey leaving children with out of control people.

[david]

Ex bought S14 an Iphone for Christmas last year but took it away from him several weeks ago. S14 was not too happy about it and tried to talk to his mom about it. I wanted to let him handle things to see how it played out. I honestly expected her to give him the phone back by now. She is still paying for a two year contract so it doesn't make sense since he did nothing wrong to have it taken away. He has never gone over his minutes and is very responsible. Since then she has been calling my phone several times a day whether the boys are with me or not. I think there is some correlation to these events. I may just get him a prepaid phone but want to give him some more time to work things out with his mom since she is still paying for it and I believe me doing so would lead to conflict for S14 and his mom. I mentioned it to him but he wants to resolve things with his mom since a prepaid phone is not as cool as an Iphone. He has an Iphone, Ipad mini, and an Apple tv and they are all linked together so I do understand where he is coming from. I offered to buy him a phone last year but I wasn't spending money for an Iphone. He made the choice to talk to his mom  and she bought him the phone he wanted. I think this is something they need to resolve.

I've talked to S14 before and he knows not to escalate conflict with his mom. He also knows to leave and go for a walk if he thinks that is the best course of action. He also knows that if he feels unsafe that he needs to try to help S9 and both go for a walk. He has friends close by that he can call me from so that should be okay for now. I don't want to make this more than it is but this behavior is raising some additional concerns. It seems like something has triggerd her and this new behavior has been going on for a longer period than anytime before.

[Matt]

I think you're right to keep your focus on the kids - their safety and how they're dealing with stuff.

The bags - for years now I've had my kids (now S14 and D16) be responsible for their own stuff.  They do their own laundry and pack their own bags to go from my house to their mom's and back.  Sometimes I have to make an extra trip to pick stuff up but it doesn't involve their mom - they go in and grab the bags.

Is there any reason your kids can't be responsible for packing their own stuff?

Do they have keys to her house, or a safe place outside her house to put their bags so you can pick them up later?

About the phone - it's understandable that your son prefers an iPhone, and I think it's good that you're letting him make the choices, mostly.  But things got much simpler for us when I gave the kids phones.  I gave them the cheapest ones, and over the years, upgraded them if they don't lose them, and that has worked well.  (But neither of them have iPhones yet.)

At some point, you might consider just giving them both cheap phones.  "I know you're still hoping to get your iPhone back, and if that happens, great.  Til then here's a perfectly good phone so we can get a hold of each other when we need to."  It's a safety thing.

As far as your ex's melt-down, I think you have to just let it happen.  Anything you could do would only put you in the line of fire, and take attention away from what's happening with her.  Just document whatever you can, and when you think the time is right, file a motion for supervised visitation.

[david]

Both boys pack their bags and take care of things with me. The problem is when I pick the boys up at school. Their bags are at their mom's so we go to pick them up. It depends on mom whether they are outside of her place or not. Things work fine when she leaves them outside. This has been happening less lately and is just another change that is causing problems.

S14 has keys to my place and that works fine. Ex will not let him have keys to her place. She has told S14 that she believes I will take them and make copies so I can break into her place when she is not there. When he first told me that I couldn't help but laugh.

I am going to give S14 a little more time to see if he can find a solution with his mom about the phone. The funny thing is S14 is very responsible with his stuff. When we were together we got SS's (her kids from first marriage) cell phones and they lost them and also went over their minutes. I noticed that ex is treating S14 the exact way she treated the older boys. She says the identical things she said back then. The older boys actually complained about how she treated them back then. They kept saying things like I am not like my brother and showed it with examples. Mom could never adapt to the differences and I see that clearly now. It's like she read a book on how to raise kids and followed it for each of them. Our two boys are very different in their personalities and their learning styles. I used to communicate through email to her about that and that was a trigger for her so I stopped.

[Matt]

Can the boys leave them outside instead of hoping their mom will?

Is there any other solution that only involves the boys, not their mom?

Here's my story, from just a few months after we separated, when D16 was 10:

I had the kids every weekend, and during the week they stayed with their mom.  We lived 2 blocks apart.  I worked late most weeknights, but on Thursdays I took off early to pick up D10 at 5:30 and take her to gymnastics.

For a few weeks that worked well.  When I got there, D10 was in her gymnastics clothes and had been fed.  I took her to gymnastics, stopped for ice cream, and brought her back in time for bed.

Then one week I got there and she hadn't been fed.  I went in the house and found pizza that had been cooked but not served.  I cut D10 a piece and put it on the table, and she ate it, and we went to gymnastics.

The next week - same thing but there was no pizza.  So I took D10 to my house and fed her, and we were late to gymnastics.  I told her, "Next week I'll pick you up at 5:15 instead of 5:30, so I can feed you and we won't be late."

That worked for a few weeks, but then I got there at 5:15 and she wasn't dressed for gymnastics.  Her clothes had been washed but not dried.  So I had her wear other clothes, and from then on she brought the gym clothes to my house every weekend, and we washed and dried them, and I let her change at my place before gymnastics.

During all this I rarely saw her mom and didn't discuss any of these issues with her.  I worked out all the solutions with D10.  She grew up a lot during this period.  It was stressful for her, and sad, but she also took pride in being part of these solutions and no longer a victim.

That's when I first realized that, at 10, my daughter was more mature and responsible than her mom.  She needed some help and encouragement, but she could manage stuff pretty well.  Her mom, on the other hand, is very intelligent, but very passive-aggressive.  It's basically not worth even trying to get her to act right  - it just gives her more power over us.

Your sons, at 9 and 14, sound pretty capable.  It's a different habit - always looking for solutions to yourself and the kids, and leaving the other parent out of the mix.

[Free One]

I know BPD behavior can be erratic, but paranoia to the extent of thinking someone is trying to kill her seems beyond BPD. And, since you have multiple sources telling you her behavior has changed, I would be on alert for the kids. It's a red flag when anyone's behavior exceeds their "normal" limits.

[david]

Both boys have been learning to be more responsible and I am looking at that as a good thing. The long term problem is her behavior is pushing them away but that is her issue to deal with.

I had a talk with both boys about what to do in a situation where they feel unsafe or threatened. S9 chimed in with examples about his mom even though I didn't bring her into the conversation. I addressed his examples and that worked well. I gave examples that included both me or mom. I thought this way was best so I wasn't picking on their mom. I picked them up at school today and mom has been sleeping the last two days when they were with her. I suspect she is having a depressive episode of some sort. This seems to make everything make sense.

[Matt]

My ex often dealt with her stress by sleeping.  That made it easier to live with her, but when she was raising my older son - before we were married - it wasn't healthy - he wasn't getting any parenting.

[david]

"he wasn't getting any parenting"  That has been a concern of mine for some time now. Even when she wasn't sleeping so much it appears from what I hear the boys say when they are with her she really wasn't able to parent. Because of that, I have been talking to them about what I expect them to be doing whether they are with me or their mom. It's been very limited and it has helped S14 more, I believe, because of his age. S9's personality is much different and he isn't as responsible as S14 was at 9 years old. The thought crossed my mind to try to get S14 to help S9 at their mom's but it seemed like I would have to make S14 take on a parenting role and that wasn't right. I picked the boys up at school today and S9 had a lot of homework that was due tomorrow. He did a large amount on Monday when he was with me. He gets his weekly assigments on Monday so that works. However, mom has the boys on Tuesday and Wednesday. He had 13 pages to do on his English workbook for the week. If he does three pages a day things are fine. He did 5 pages on Monday and that is about his limit. He did two with his mom so he had 6 pages to do today. I emailed her a few times in the past and her replies convinced me it was a waste of time to email anymore. On top of that when he does do things at his mom's they are oftentimes wrong and need to be corrected. They are the kind of things that parents should be checking and helping their kids with. I plan on addressing this with his teacher soon. His grades are pretty good but I don't think this method is good in the long run. I am getting to the point that I may be going back to court to address this issue. I have enough documented evidence to show her and my behavior and it's effects on their grades. I think I am going to talk to my atty about it and see what he thinks.

[Matt]

We went through a period like this - the kids weren't getting their homework all done when they were with their mom.

I developed the habit of calling each of them after school and asking them, "How's it going?  What homework do you have?  Will you be able to get it all done?"  Maybe talk about any hard parts they were having trouble with.  Basically making sure they were focused on homework - not watching TV - same as if they were at my house.

I think you can show daily interest in what they are doing and how they are using their time, without interfering.  (But of course if their mom is asleep, calling them can't be interfering too much.)