My uBPD-ex has left me for somebody else

[mango_flower]

I'm so confused.  I've posted here before but seem to have a few more missing pieces to the puzzle now, worked out in my own head.

My ex-gf (we were a same sex couple) was truly amazing from the start.  There were red flags.  She had issues.  But with me she was different   <-- yeah I'm an idiot for believing it!  But this was the first time she'd been in love, she said - and from what I know of her history, I did believe that. (This is based on other people who knew her in the past being really happy for her that she'd finally found the person to complete her)

Amazing honeymoon period.  Flowers sent to work, love notes left for me, treats, trips... .  wonderful!

We got engaged after 6 months, as it felt right.  Moved in together at 8 months.

No BPD signs at this point, other than things that didn't add up from time to time, re: money, past friendships falling apart, not being in contact with her family etc.

The same month we moved in together, she had a cancer scare (I know this was  genuine, I saw the doctors letter), her Uncle died (this was also true, I saw the facebook posts), and then she lost her job.  At about this time, I wasn't coping too well with all the stress either, and I asked if we could postpone the wedding for a year (it was due to be in the coming few months time).

She later told me that something inside her died that day.  That our relationship was over.  But it took her 6 weeks from then to dump me.

This is when I started noticing BPD traits, but I'm not 100% sure.

Her version of events wasn't the same as mine.  One friend said something about "when you ended it with her... .  " (and I never did, I simply asked her if we could delay the marriage by a year, partly due to financial constraints and other reasons).  I still wanted to marry her, but it'd all been so quick!

She got debt letters coming through, but hid them from me.  When I confronted her and asked her to open them, there were tears, and promises that she had never seen them before.  I then heard from a friend of a family friend of hers that "she has issues".  Little silly things started to not add up.  She told me she felt dead inside most days.  She used to be a cutter.  She had suicidal thoughts. She had issues with money.  Her ex-husband had been abusive and she also had issues from her childhood, which I won't go into.

Although I knew she was upset about the wedding stuff, she still sent me flowers, emailed saying she loved me etc.  But she started spending more time away, saying she was staying overnight at work (I believe this to be true, as she was doing extra hours late at night due to the nature of her job).  She later admitted that it wasn't that she HAD too, as she had said, but that she was choosing to as she wanted space from me to sort out what she was thinking.

She started getting in with a group of girls at work (some other lesbians) and kept coming home talking about how wonderful they were.  She did this a lot - idolize people when she first meets them.

She then started saying about how she wanted a fresh start, and talked of moving away to look for a new job.  I really didn't think she would.

But she did.  She started staying away with a friend of a friend from work (where this whole group of new friends live) and she took more and more stuff each time.  At some point around that time, she had the whole speech about how it wasn't working, and we couldn't be together.

She is suddenly now dating one of this group of girls.  I am heartbroken.

On the plus side, she has gotten herself into therapy and is exercising lots - she seems to have come out of that dark place, and is doing better.  I am genuinely happy about this.  When I mentioned that, she asked me ":)id I mean that little to you that you don't care I moved on?" and "it seems like you don't care about me and never did!".  Yet she is seeing somebody new!

So I've been left with a house to pay for, rent wise, and all the bills!  (which I can't afford... .  )

I'm panicking over that.

But also, I love her so much - I originally came to this board in the hope of finding tips and tricks to help manage her uBPD if she did come back.  Even if it's just that she has traits and not the fully blown condition.  Yet right now, I'm left with nothing.  She has her new life, in a new town, with her new friends and new girl, and I'm stuck here being the responsible one, paying for things, and living with the constant reminders and memories everywhere.

I just don't think she will ever come back... .  it's like, she now associates this town I still live in with "bad times" (from before she met me) and is happy she has moved on.  Yet she tells me she still cries most days.

The whole thing just makes me sad.  I would have given her the world.  I knew she had issues, yet was prepared to take them on.  Because I loved, and love her.

The only thing that makes me feel that she doesn't have fully blown BPD is that she shows some insight into her behaviours when she's not in that state of mind - yesterday she told me that she has never been, and could never be angry at me, and being her first love, I would always have a piece of her heart.  So she isn't doing the splitting thing.

I'm just confused... .  and feel like I'm missing part of myself.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here, reply-wise. 

I guess I kind of want to know, what are the chances of her coming back? (slim, I know  :'() and did she ever really love me? (She says she did - she says that she loved me so much it hurt).  I want to know if she's genuinely in love with her new girl... .  and whether I have been replaced.  I want to know why she didn't TRY to fix things.  I want to know whether it was that I was discovering little things that didn't add up, and this spooked her and she ran.  I want to know whether she's just rebounding, or whether what she now has is real. I want to be able to understand it.

It kills me that it's only NOW she is getting help, and will hopefully understand it all more and get a bit better, and this new girl reaps the benefits, whilst I'm alone.

My head is so jumbled!

I have never loved anyone this much - she is the sweetest and kindest person I know, yet she hates herself.  I just want her back but I actually don't know what I'd do if I got that chance... .  head vs. heart thing... .  conflicting.

[mango_flower]

Oh - I forgot to say why I think she's BPD (in case that matters)

She has told me she was always scared I'd leave her

She has a history of self-harm

Stories don't add up

Frequent fall outs with friends

Impulsive (e.g shopping)

She says she feels dead inside

Changes who she is to fit in, changes hobbies etc frequently

Very low self esteem

Emotional instability

Her behaviours are sometimes like that of a sixteen year old, e.g. jumping out of my car to walk miles home after we had a disagreement

[Washisheart]

From this & other posts from you, it sure does apart she has BPD.

When my bf leaves he usually moves on & plays house with someone else. Your words are the exact same thing I felt the first time. The confusion. That man owned my brain. I couldn't understand for the life of me how we were so close & he could just walk away from it.

In her own way of thinking, she probably interpreted you needing more time to you were having second thoughts so she was going to get out there before you did.

He & I also rented a house together & were only in it six months before he left the second time. He left me horribly financially screwed. I was hurt, I just list my dad, I was terrified my daughter and I would end up sleeping on someone's couch and I would lose everything. I hit the lowest place in my life I had ever been emotionally.

The last time he left, something miraculous happened. I came to realize he is uBPD. After about a week of researching, I came to the realization I didn't want to live the rest of my life like this. I loved him but didn't really want him anymore... i set up a date & everything.

Two days before my date he came back. I was ready to change my number when I moved this month. I was ready for it to be the end. Against my better judgement

I took him back. I told him how close he was to coming back to an empty house & that the next time he leaves I am changing my number the same day.

I wouldn't say "give up hope" because she may very well come back. Our longest breakup was 10 months. Only now I don't think of myself as being that special that he comes back, I think of myself as that stupid so he runs back after he messes everything up.

I hope he was serious, I hope we last. But I go through the motions everyday knowing that at any given moment he will start running game on the next girl.

So while you are apart, before she comes back, think about what you want out of life & what you are willing to put up with. Because I would have saved myself a crap load of pain & humiliation if I would have kept myself out of the recycles & said no the first time he tried to come back.

Stay strong & remember if God led you to it, He will lead you through it. He will provide you with the resources you need.  You will get through this.

Maybe try for a roommate?

[Soaring]

Mango flower, I can relate to your experience. Once I figured out why my 9 yr live in

relationship with my gf was such a roller coaster ride. I was and am codependent and would

tolerate the behavior of love me/ hate me etc. I tolerated her infidelity. She would say it was

nothing or it was over. I was her steady. I tried to accommodate her and contribute to the

survival of our relationship.

      I found out that she is BPD. It explained so much! I wasn't crazy. She is BPD and I'm

enabling her. Once I told her abt BPD, she read the Dsm and agreed it sounded exactly like

her. She met all 9 criteria. It took about 3 months of me researching and her apparently

reading more about BPD for her to deny she had it and begin a sensing self destructive

rampage that finally drove me out of our home of 9 years.

     She started idolizing other women.

I saw her doing idolizing a neighbor wife/mom family for several months.  I found the 2 of

them at our home and


my gf was sobbing and the neighbor quietly left. I think my gf was turned down. We no longer

spoke with our neighbors with no explanation given to me. 

      So I found another affair via her email with a married woman at work. I called her out on

it and they stopped the affair before the other woman's spouse and kids found out. Then my

gf began idolizing another married woman at work. She became this couples best friend. She

created a whole life outside of "us" and I was not welcomed. They had an active social life with

the biker ppl down at the local biker bar. They travelled,  stayed out all night etc. she started

smoking. She wrecked on her motorcycle twice while drunk. I asked her if she was being self

destructive and she said yes. She systematically detached emotionally from me. I was still

living in our home. It was very painful. I had no choice but leave. My self esteem was

plummeting. I've been staying at my parents home for about a month. We occasionally talk.

She says she is fine and doing great sometimes and other times she says she contemplates

suicide. I believe she thought after realizing that I knew how she was and how dark BPD can

be without treatment that she set out to dump me before I dumped her. She abandoned me

before she felt I would surely abandon her. Her destructive lifestyle is continuing to leave a

path of carnage in her wake.

     I was married with children  when she found and idolized me. I was a needy woman.

She was trashing her current gf who was married before and left her husband for my gf when

she started seducing me 9 years ago. I wish I would have never met her and her beautiful

idealizing seductive gaze. I'm starting my life over at 49 yrs of age.  I've learned that I'm

codependent and a rescuer. I'm building myself and trying to heal from being in a relationship



with a woman with borderline personality disorder.  It's better to get out of the toxic

relationship and work on yourself. I'm learning this the hard way. Better late than never.

[Surnia]

I am so sorry, mango-flower! I hear your pain and despair. 

In my opinion she is showing BPD traits - jumping right away in a next rs is a bit textbook.

Do you have some friends in real life? Or some family members to be with?