Anxiety, phobias, panic attacks and the fear of almost everything

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The fact that I will have to see a dentist sometime in the near future really frightened me, and at the same time really made me think. I subscribed on a forum for dental phobia (since mine is as high as it gets) and while receiving advise for using sedatives which I am afraid of because of imagined side effects like say, an allergy, it suddenly hit me: my mother put all of those thoughts into my head. She is a very panic-ish woman, for years she made me think I am allergic to antibiotics, she told me in detail about the possible outcomes of an allergy, like anaphilactic shock, at an age where I couldn't really judge things. No wonder I am terrified of everything.

She didn't protect me at all, she described a lot of things that I will inevitably go through in very rough and ugly details at a way too younger age. It's no wonder I have so many anxieties !

Oh boy. At least I get some comfort from the though that those are not even really my fears, invented by me, so maybe I have a chance at seeing beyond them sooner or later.

[justine1984]

The fact that I will have to see a dentist sometime in the near future really frightened me, and at the same time really made me think. I subscribed on a forum for dental phobia (since mine is as high as it gets) and while receiving advise for using sedatives which I am afraid of because of imagined side effects like say, an allergy, it suddenly hit me: my mother put all of those thoughts into my head. She is a very panic-ish woman, for years she made me think I am allergic to antibiotics, she told me in detail about the possible outcomes of an allergy, like anaphilactic shock, at an age where I couldn't really judge things. No wonder I am terrified of everything.

She didn't protect me at all, she described a lot of things that I will inevitably go through in very rough and ugly details at a way too younger age. It's no wonder I have so many anxieties !

Oh boy. At least I get some comfort from the though that those are not even really my fears, invented by me, so maybe I have a chance at seeing beyond them sooner or later.

[Rose Tiger]

That is some good insight you've gotten, good work.    An ideal parent should help a kiddo feel safe and protected.  Who gets an ideal parent though, right?

Have you had a chance to discuss this breakthrough with your T?

[justine1984]

That is some good insight you've gotten, good work.    An ideal parent should help a kiddo feel safe and protected.  Who gets an ideal parent though, right?

Have you had a chance to discuss this breakthrough with your T?

Not yet but I definitely will. I'm not even sure it's a real breakthrough. In a way I think I knew some of what I wrote there way earlier, but I just never put it all together this way.

I feel so sad for all of this, thinking of the life I could have had, should have I been born in a different home. I know it's not the most constructive way of thinking, but I can't help wondering what life would have been for me if I wouldn't have been pushed into going to any college just for the sake of going to a college, and not being forced to choose my future proffession at an age when I honestly had no effing idea what I wanned to do in life or what I liked doing.

[Rose Tiger]

Your feelings are not surprising, I railed at God for a long time, would it have been so hard to place me in a healthy family?  Sorta like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof where he is railing for not making him wealthy. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBHZFYpQ6nc

It comes down to, these are the cards we were dealt.  I don't think anyone gets a free ride through life.  We all have things to be grateful for, things that were helpful, an occasional soul that was loving and kind.  A therapist to help us work through this, a support site with others dealing with the same things, a hope that we can overcome this muck. We recall the bad times, we grieve the bad times and then we find healthy ways to go forward.   

[myself]

It is the cards we're dealt. And deciding for ourselves if we even want to play cards, switch to another game or play no game at all (There's usually some kind of game, though). Just because we haven't gotten there yet, as far as where we feel we could be, doesn't mean it's not possible or not going to happen. Many people, be they writers, actors, artists, for example, didn't get to where they ended up (becoming who they really thought they were, fulfilling their potential, hitting the big time, finding themselves within their craft, etc.) until they got there. Many of them changing careers in later years. Many of them coming from horrible childhoods, too. I look to some of those people for their perseverance, for listening to that voice inside that said, "Hey, go this way now, that's who you really are", and they followed it and it turned out well. It doesn't always happen that way, but, it shows that things don't have to just go from A to B to C to D. Sometimes at D, you make your own A, and start a different path. Sometimes you just accept that it's E now, and then comes F and away you go. Knowing that beginning at E, you were being more positive, taking more chances, getting rid of the things that haven't been fitting for you and finding something else that's better. Each one of us has a way through this, and it's not over 'til it's over. Choose Now.

[Blazing Star]

I feel so sad for all of this, thinking of the life I could have had, should have I been born in a different home. I know it's not the most constructive way of thinking

It is okay to grieve this 

Love Blazing Star

[justine1984]

I guess you are right. Some people had a fine childhood and still ended up bad for other reasons. I mourn all the years I have spent in the bad relationships, with the wrong company and pursuing the wrong job that only had me thinking I am stupid (because of course I sucked at it) and always blaming myself for everything. Sometimes I wish I could live the last 10 years of life one more time and make the right choices and take more care of myself and knowing to value myself like I know now. I feel great sympathy for the me of 10 years ago. I wish I could change the memory of everything that's happened, but I guess I have to deal with it and learn to take care of myself the way I didn't before.