Let it go... let it go... accept

[coworkerfriend]

I need to get this out. 

I need to let his moods go.  I need to let his words roll off me.  I can not fix his moods.

I need to control my own emotions.

I need to focus on myself.  I need to focus on my well being.  I need to focus on the positive things in life.

I need to remember the lessons.

I accept this part of our relationship.  He needs to have space to deal with his anxiety and moods.

He has so many good qualities when he is in a good place.

I am hoping that writing this out will help today.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

He wants to die - he wants to kill himself.  He has said this a few times in the past.  His  overwhelming emotion passes. 

It is so much for me to bear to hear those things.

I don't think that he will ever attempt suicide. He could never to that to his children. He says these things on really bad days.

This mood will pass.

Yesterday we were so connected.  This morning we were laughing and joking.  Triggers pop up so unexpectantly.

I am supposed to focus on work.  I am supposed to let it go.

I make it worse if I try to help. 

[coworkerfriend]

Well, he is gone for the night.  Thankfully, we live in seperate houses.

Before he left - he told me that he is giving up all the good things in his life. He is leaving the business and leaving me.  He can not do this anymore. He started getting angry and he looked so unhappy.  How many times has he left like this?

On Monday, we had a great conversation.  I am the best thing in his life, I make him happy.  He said that we are meant to be together forever.   We had a good day.  He was making plans for the future. Last Friday, he said how deeply connected he feels to me.

I know this is who he is.  He tries hard and slips back.  I feel like we move forward 1 step and immediately take 2 steps back.

I need to focus on the good things.  We have made progress over the past 4 months.  I need to accept that.

I need to keep rereading the lessons.  I have to accept this.

I am so mad at myself.  I don't know how I got so deeply involved in this. I ignored the signs.  I did not understand how hard this would be.   

I am sorry that I keep going on.  I feel like if I don't write that I will explode.

[ZigZiglar]

I could just as easily have written this thread myself. Believe me, you're not alone. A lot of us end up here well after we are enmeshed and/or at breaking point. Radical acceptance is extremely hard and we are only human, so it is normal for us to be affected emotionally by this. Don't be too hard on yourself. Focus on the positivity of the lessons you are learning and the self awareness and growth you are experiencing as a result of the enlightenment they bring. Tomorrow will be a better day.

[waverider]

Understanding it

Knowing the correct response

Accepting

Knowing the right approach/answers in hindsight

Knowing them at the time

Subconsciously letting it flow without effect, without noticing


These are all steps, and there are huge gaps going from one to the next, even then we often slip back and have to go back reinforce them again. accept not only him but also that you will never always get it right nor be unaffected by it.

I have had a reasonably conflict run for a while, I got slack with a boundary and accidently  let something pass leading to intermittent reinforcement, poo hit the fan, and suddenly back to the trauma of a year ago. Just because you know what you shouldn't do, doesnt mean you will never do it. You just have to accept that.

Chin up, at least you see it for what it is, remember when you had no clue?

[coworkerfriend]

Zig - thanks for the support.  I hope today is a better day.

Waverider - you are right.  I know what this is.  I think back to the months of stress and horrible rages.  I couldn't fathom where they came from. Having no clue was so painful.

Having an understanding of this illness has helped me tremendously.  Before, I played such a huge role in the escalation of the rages. 

I have learned so much from reading the lessons.  I read them again last night before bed. The steps seem obvious and achievable when they are written down.

I know, at the time, he deeply believes what he is saying.  He does not see anything changing or improving.  He tells me he is leaving me every other week.  I don't know why I believe his words.  I see the improvements - I see the small but important changes.

I am struggling with the fact that if I don't listen or believe the rages, how can I listen and believe the good things he says to me?  I always think that this is the time he really means it and it is over.  He always comes back full of remorse and appreciation that I don't leave him.

[waverider]

I am struggling with the fact that if I don't listen or believe the rages, how can I listen and believe the good things he says to me?  I always think that this is the time he really means it and it is over.  He always comes back full of remorse and appreciation that I don't leave him.

This is the hard part, you have to take both the good and bad with a pinch of salt as they are both opposing sides of the same issue. But where does that leave the RS with the fire taken out of it. Maybe more stable but often like a numb experience. You definitely have to shift more focus on your own independence to fill that gap. Which of course leads to the abandonment response from them.

No easy answers, you are attempting to decontaminate the RS while at the same time not leaving it sterile. To eliminate the old unhealthy components you need to replace with new healthier components.

[daylily]

Understanding it

Knowing the correct response

Accepting

Knowing the right approach/answers in hindsight

Knowing them at the time

Subconsciously letting it flow without effect, without noticing

Thanks for this, Wave.  I alternate between knowing the answers in hindsight and knowing them at the time.  Sometimes, I know them at the time, but I'm having some trouble with acceptance so I'd rather just fight back than use them!  I know I have a lot of work to do, but like coworker, I'm a lot better off than I was before I knew anything about BPD!

  Daylily

[coworkerfriend]

You are absolutely right that I need to eliminate the unhealthy components in our relationship.  I will not change him.  I can not fix him.  As much as he works things out in his head, he always slips back into the illness.

I am so overwhelmed.  I spent so much time immersed in his moods and emotions.  I lost myself.  I lost my confidence. 

Knowing that he suffers from an illness helps me.  Learning how to communicate and validate has made the past few months bearable.

Patience and faith are what I need to focus on.  I need to get myself mentally and physically healthy.

Knowing that there are others like me who struggle helps.  I need to find more inner strength.

Our business is growing and successful.  I can't run this by myself but I know I can't make him want to try and work it out. I just don't know what to do.  I try everyday to focus on what I can do but it can be exhausting.  I came into learning about this illness already exhausted.