Hurting so bad... CANNOT reconcile the good/the bad

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just looked at a bunch of pics of us through the years and our lives, which covers over 10 years.  (Short version of our story:  We have been separated for 3.5 months/same house/no kids/work together.  He is high functioning but seeking no help and smokes a LOT of pot to I guess soothe his demons. We have had many good times, especially the early years (first 4-5 very solid) punctuated with intense, unresolvable conflicts.  Yes, I am quite sure he has BPD though he quit DBT against wishes of therapist and cannot see it in himself.)

Anyway, I am just an emotional raw mess right now and just cannot stop crying... .  have been sitting here in guest room bawling for a good couple of hours.  I was thinking of calling in sick to work tomorrow... .  I am a MESS.  I just sent this message with pictures to my two closest friends who know my situation (beware - it's rambling all over the place):

"I am really torturing myself right now with so many questions and fear and possible regrets.  Just bawling my eyes out.  We had a big conversation -- he is miserable the last the few months -- claims he attempted talks of reconciling a few weeks ago but I insisted on separation (partly accurate).  He has had it now and feels he is just losing it - wants to put house on market soon - as is.  He says I am the one who wants divorce, not him, but he cannot bear the way it is now (agreed -unbearable)  But... .  HOW do I reconcile all the good with the bad?  These are not just pictures - they represent OUR life together for 10+ years ... .  we have loved and enjoyed each other, our home, our pets, our friends, our common interests.  Besides the first two pics, they are all recent - this year or last summer.  The majority of our r/s has been happy, peaceful, loving, with laughter, joy, affection.  Am I making too much of the bad?  After the blow ups, he always simmers back down in a couple days.  Can I just deal with this? 

I am going to miss my life - my husband, our home, our life together.  Have I been wrong/cruel in the way I've detached - was I wrong to put so much distance between us when he was suffering?  Am I throwing in the towel too soon?  Am I making a HUGE mistake and possibly losing my husband who has been wonderful in so many ways - has made my coffee every day for 10 years, started my car each morning in winter, driven me to airport and taken me to the hospital or whatever I have needed him to do for me, he has been there.  Am I not being there for him?  am I abandoning him when he has just had worst year of his life and granted lost his ~?  Should I support him more in getting help?  I am just terrified.  AM I LOSING MY MIND?"

I am so scared to lose everything and to lose HIM.  When we argue (and just this afternoon this happened), he is so irrational and can be absolutely positively CRUEL with the things he says.  But a day or two later, we make up and are back to our normal routine.  Nothing has been the same since last year when everything feel apart for him at work - he upped his pot use, stayed home from work for a couple months, and had FB affairs (my words - his words - "steamy emails" with ex GFs from years ago).  He was remorseful and deeply ashamed, but like I said, nothing has been the same, I feel like something has been lost, and I know I can't turn the clock back to the early years.  But can something be salvaged?   Do I need to buck up and move on?  Worried about missing him and our lives together - home, pets, day-to-day - the good stuff, which most of it was.

I am mainly venting, just pouring out my heart here.  If anyone has advice or any words, I would appreciate it. 

[atcrossroads]

I just looked at a bunch of pics of us through the years and our lives, which covers over 10 years.  (Short version of our story:  We have been separated for 3.5 months/same house/no kids/work together.  He is high functioning but seeking no help and smokes a LOT of pot to I guess soothe his demons. We have had many good times, especially the early years (first 4-5 very solid) punctuated with intense, unresolvable conflicts.  Yes, I am quite sure he has BPD though he quit DBT against wishes of therapist and cannot see it in himself.)

Anyway, I am just an emotional raw mess right now and just cannot stop crying... .  have been sitting here in guest room bawling for a good couple of hours.  I was thinking of calling in sick to work tomorrow... .  I am a MESS.  I just sent this message with pictures to my two closest friends who know my situation (beware - it's rambling all over the place):

"I am really torturing myself right now with so many questions and fear and possible regrets.  Just bawling my eyes out.  We had a big conversation -- he is miserable the last the few months -- claims he attempted talks of reconciling a few weeks ago but I insisted on separation (partly accurate).  He has had it now and feels he is just losing it - wants to put house on market soon - as is.  He says I am the one who wants divorce, not him, but he cannot bear the way it is now (agreed -unbearable)  But... .  HOW do I reconcile all the good with the bad?  These are not just pictures - they represent OUR life together for 10+ years ... .  we have loved and enjoyed each other, our home, our pets, our friends, our common interests.  Besides the first two pics, they are all recent - this year or last summer.  The majority of our r/s has been happy, peaceful, loving, with laughter, joy, affection.  Am I making too much of the bad?  After the blow ups, he always simmers back down in a couple days.  Can I just deal with this? 

I am going to miss my life - my husband, our home, our life together.  Have I been wrong/cruel in the way I've detached - was I wrong to put so much distance between us when he was suffering?  Am I throwing in the towel too soon?  Am I making a HUGE mistake and possibly losing my husband who has been wonderful in so many ways - has made my coffee every day for 10 years, started my car each morning in winter, driven me to airport and taken me to the hospital or whatever I have needed him to do for me, he has been there.  Am I not being there for him?  am I abandoning him when he has just had worst year of his life and granted lost his ~?  Should I support him more in getting help?  I am just terrified.  AM I LOSING MY MIND?"

I am so scared to lose everything and to lose HIM.  When we argue (and just this afternoon this happened), he is so irrational and can be absolutely positively CRUEL with the things he says.  But a day or two later, we make up and are back to our normal routine.  Nothing has been the same since last year when everything feel apart for him at work - he upped his pot use, stayed home from work for a couple months, and had FB affairs (my words - his words - "steamy emails" with ex GFs from years ago).  He was remorseful and deeply ashamed, but like I said, nothing has been the same, I feel like something has been lost, and I know I can't turn the clock back to the early years.  But can something be salvaged?   Do I need to buck up and move on?  Worried about missing him and our lives together - home, pets, day-to-day - the good stuff, which most of it was.

I am mainly venting, just pouring out my heart here.  If anyone has advice or any words, I would appreciate it. 

[atcrossroads]

I am partly regretting that perhaps I didn't give the tools enough of a chance ... .  I figured it all out too late and didn't work to set appropriate boundaries for myself and see if that would create change in our r/s.

I feel like I wish I could go back to undecided and put more into practice and see, but we are too far gone now.  Talking of selling the house, etc., which of course he now wants to do quickly "as is" ... .  I am under so much stress from all of this and can barely function at my high stress job.  All of it is taking a toll on my, but I'm worried about the mistakes I've made and wishing I had worked on MYSELF sooner and brought some help to our r/s.

I know how co-dependent that sounds.  Agony.

[armsreach]

I can relate to a lot of your post. I, too, wondered if maybe i was making "too much" out of the bad.  If maybe I was a better communicator (I've constantly been told this throughout the r/s, that I don't communicate well. This is not true, but a story for another time), a better X, a better y, maybe... .  I was even wondering if maybe I'm just not as accepting as I should be, my h had me convinced that I was the problem.

There WERE good things, a lot of them, but there were some really bad things too. I became desensitized to some of those things, made them less in my mind.  I didn't realize it at the time, but realize it now. For me, I just couldnt' deal with it anymore. No matter how good things were (and could be for months at a time), the bad was just too much.

I don't really have any advice, but wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings.

[hithere]

The majority of our r/s has been happy, peaceful, loving, with laughter, joy, affection.

Is that true and if so what majority?  I think in most BPD relationships (especially after the honeymoon period) 80% or more of it is bad, either fighting or walking on egg shells waiting for the next blow-up.

Maybe you just want to remember the good, so it does not hurt so bad?

[Rose Tiger]

I did use the tools for the Staying Board and it helped to resolve a lot of the rages before they started.  It was a lot more peaceful.  What finally got to me is I was supportive of him, I validated him, I took care of him and received nothing in return.  No sweetness, no support, no conversations of any depth, no loving touches.  It was like he was a roommate, an aquaintance.  He was incapable of meeting any of my needs.  He also couldn't stop himself from projecting his shame onto me.  He devalued me.  He saw no value in me.  He didn't appreciate me.  It becomes very difficult to be giving and supportive to a partner that basically can't stand you.  He tried to hide these feelings, he put on a good act but I could see through it.  He preferred to be around others who he could fool with his false self.  I became a trigger for his bad feelings since his act no longer worked on me.  You are either all good or all bad, they can't see shades of gray.  Imagine living the rest of your life with someone pretending to like you but too scared to leave you.

[Rose Tiger]

Good stuff... .  


Some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship are:

Respect - listening to one another, valuing each other's opinions, and listening in a non-judgmental manner. Respect also involves attempting to understand and affirm the other's emotions.

Trust and support - supporting each other's goals in life, and respecting each other's right to his/her own feelings, opinions, friends, activities and interest. It is valuing one's partner as an individual.

Honesty and accountability - communicating openly and truthfully, admitting mistakes or being wrong, acknowledging past use of violence, and accepting responsibility for one's self.

Shared responsibility - making family/relationship decisions together, mutually agreeing on a distribution of work which is fair to both partners. If parents, the couple shares parental responsibilities and acts as positive, non-violent role models for the children.

Economic partnership - in marriage or cohabitation, making financial decisions together, and making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

Negotiation and fairness - being willing to compromise, accepting change, and seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.

Non-threatening behavior - talking and acting in a way that promotes both partners' feelings of safety in the relationship. Both should feel comfortable and safe in expressing him/herself and in engaging in activities.

So, Is Your Relationship Healthy?

A. Can you say what you like or admire about your partner?

B. Is your partner glad that you have other friends?

C. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?

D. Does your partner ask for and respect your opinions?

E. Does she/he really listen to you?

F. Can she/he talk about her/his feelings?

G. Does your partner have a good relationship with her/his family?

H. Does she/he have good friends?

I. Does she/he have interests besides you?

J. Does she/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for her/his failures?

K. Does your partner respect your right to make decisions that affect your own life?

L. Are you and your partner friends? Best friends?

If you answered most of these questions with a yes, you probably are not in a relationship that is likely to become abusive. If you answered no to some or most of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, please continue with the next set of questions.




Is Your Partner Healthy?

a. When your partner gets angry does she/he break or throw things?

b. Does your partner lose her/his temper easily?

c. Is your partner jealous of your friends or family?

d. Does your partner expect to be told where you have been when you are not with her/him?

e. Does your partner think you are cheating on her/him if you talk or dance with someone else?

f. Does your partner drink or take drugs almost every day or go on binges?

g. Does she/he ridicule, make fun of, or put you down?

h. Does your partner think there are some situations in which it is okay for a man to hit a woman or a woman to hit a man?

i. Do you like yourself less than usual when you have been with your partner?

j. Do you ever find yourself afraid of your partner?

If you answered yes to questions in this group, please be careful and think about your safety.


Do You Have Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are important in determining the health of a relationship. Boundaries clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you and which problems belong to me.

What are boundaries? "Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what is not. . . ." - Dr. Henry Cloud

Each of us has boundaries, some of which go unspoken, in many areas of our lives. We set boundaries in regard to physical proximity and touch, the words that are acceptable when we are spoken to, honesty, emotional intimacy (such as how much we self-disclose to others). When one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers.

The following characteristics indicate a problem in setting and enforcing boundaries.

~ Telling all.

~ Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.

~ Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

~ Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

~ Being overwhelmed by a person--preoccupied.

~ Acting on the first sexual impulse.

~ Being sexual for partner, not self.

~ Going against personal values or rights to please others.

~ Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

~ Not noticing when someone else displays

inappropriate boundaries.

~ Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.

~ Touching a person without asking.

~ Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

~ Letting others describe your reality.

~ Letting others define you.

~ Believing others can anticipate your needs.

~ Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically.

~ Falling apart so someone will take care of you

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm

[atcrossroads]

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the insightful and probing responses - Rose Tiger - I just copied that list onto a word document (the WhOLE thing) and then googled a list of characteristics of a toxic marriage.  I plan to send them to him  - good idea?

I am MUCH better today - had therapy and he gave me some tough, straight talk that I needed to hear.  Reading all of this from you all... .  I also needed to hear.

I am past my bedtime and running on fumes (trying to play catch up with sleep), so I vow to respond to all tomorrow.  

My perspective is shifting day by day... .  one foot in front of the other, I am getting stronger.  The doubts linger but I'm looking through a different lens today than yesterday... .  all of these responses helped make that possible.

     Thank you!