Argh... hard to keep my mouth shut

[Depression = 72% of members]

uBPDh likes to go on and on about how unsubmissive a wife I am, how I am not gentle when compared to xyz's wife.  He would see a tiny bit of somebody else's wife and would say "you see, she is so gentle and listens to her husband", while not seeing how other husbands talk to their wives or appreciate them. 

Just now he emailed me this article (from a tabloid!) about a TV star who apparently he likes, and the article was saying how this woman is such a good girlfriend, following her bf at the stores for 1 hour (!) focusing completely on him (i.e. not making any comments).  And he went on and on about how "she's such a good submissive gf, so willing to change for her bf (because the article says so)... .  that's something most girls are unwilling to do, I suppose most men are not worth it... .  "

I know he's trying to mean he's not "most men" (actually he said that many times), and it's his way of saying "see?  you're nothing like that".  I just replied him and say, "true... .  but U suppose media reports cannot be totally trusted" (there are also a million reasons I would like to cite, but I didn't).  He just replied, ":)on't mind me, that's just my feelings.  I think I know better how well media can be trusted."  (note: I worked in the media for a while, so I know this first-hand... .  )

Of course I wouldn’t be raising any discussion on this star (I don’t like to compare myself to others; if I keep on comparing I’ll never be as gentle, as good, as kind, as sensitive than xyz… but at the same time they may never be trying as hard as I am… who are we to compare?  We’re all different!)  I’m so angry on the inside though.  Sometimes it seems like all he does is find fault in everything I do, he compares me to all these other people and all he sees is how I’m not as good as them.  How about the things I do better than the other people?  How about when other people’s husbands say I’m doing something their wives don’t do?  Those are completely ignored.  What I hate the most is how he would praise me in front of other people (knowing he doesn’t mean it), then when he’s alone with me he seems to think I’m the worst wife ever.  But then he would think that since he praises me in front of others, he’s respecting me and appreciating me.  Nah… I’d rather he just tells people how he feels about me.  Unlike him, I couldn’t care less what others think about me.

Sorry for the long rant.  I don’t suppose there is anything I could do in situations like this, right?

[Chosen]

uBPDh likes to go on and on about how unsubmissive a wife I am, how I am not gentle when compared to xyz's wife.  He would see a tiny bit of somebody else's wife and would say "you see, she is so gentle and listens to her husband", while not seeing how other husbands talk to their wives or appreciate them. 

Just now he emailed me this article (from a tabloid!) about a TV star who apparently he likes, and the article was saying how this woman is such a good girlfriend, following her bf at the stores for 1 hour (!) focusing completely on him (i.e. not making any comments).  And he went on and on about how "she's such a good submissive gf, so willing to change for her bf (because the article says so)... .  that's something most girls are unwilling to do, I suppose most men are not worth it... .  "

I know he's trying to mean he's not "most men" (actually he said that many times), and it's his way of saying "see?  you're nothing like that".  I just replied him and say, "true... .  but U suppose media reports cannot be totally trusted" (there are also a million reasons I would like to cite, but I didn't).  He just replied, ":)on't mind me, that's just my feelings.  I think I know better how well media can be trusted."  (note: I worked in the media for a while, so I know this first-hand... .  )

Of course I wouldn’t be raising any discussion on this star (I don’t like to compare myself to others; if I keep on comparing I’ll never be as gentle, as good, as kind, as sensitive than xyz… but at the same time they may never be trying as hard as I am… who are we to compare?  We’re all different!)  I’m so angry on the inside though.  Sometimes it seems like all he does is find fault in everything I do, he compares me to all these other people and all he sees is how I’m not as good as them.  How about the things I do better than the other people?  How about when other people’s husbands say I’m doing something their wives don’t do?  Those are completely ignored.  What I hate the most is how he would praise me in front of other people (knowing he doesn’t mean it), then when he’s alone with me he seems to think I’m the worst wife ever.  But then he would think that since he praises me in front of others, he’s respecting me and appreciating me.  Nah… I’d rather he just tells people how he feels about me.  Unlike him, I couldn’t care less what others think about me.

Sorry for the long rant.  I don’t suppose there is anything I could do in situations like this, right?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

What is this submissive idea about?

Why does he think you should be submissive?

[Chosen]

My h and I are both Christians, and this is a value we agree to ("submissiveness" being that wives can make suggestions and can rebuke a husband but lets the husband have the final say).  I'm not forcing this on you or saying whether this is right or not.  But he seems to use this an awful lot to point out why I'm not a good wife (despite many things having NOTHING to do with submission at all).  I'm not ok with everything being used as an excuse for why I'm worse than other people.

[waverider]

Is this a pretty constant thing, or something that goes up and down along with regular black and white painting?

It is chronically invalidating, but do you think it is a BPD thing or just an annoying attitude that many people have even without a PD issue?

Is the issue about whether his perception is right or wrong, or simply the constant comparison with "perceived" better others?

[Chosen]

It goes up and down along with his black & white thinking.  When he's painting me white, he tends to think I have "improved", "the best wife"... .  

I don't think there's a simple right or wrong... .  I'm only human and I don't do anything perfectly.  It is tiring, though, if you're compared to other people constantly (he often compares himself to other people too), and I'm just not a competitive type of person... .  

Fortunately, he is getting better at dropping issues so he didn't mention it again.

[ZigZiglar]

It sounds to me like you need to work on defining your limits on what "submissive" means to you and what you're comfortable with. What you consider reasonable and allows you to maintain self respect and be happy and feel that you are in control of your choices. Then this needs to be communicated to your partner so that he may understand that you are being true to yourself and that is who you are, so that you both stop having misaligned expectations. This would be a challenging conversation without BPD getting involved, but some soul searching couldn't go astray at this point, I think. How important is it to you to draw a line in the sand on how "submissive" you are? Are you prepared to compromise (and feel that it was your choice to do so, therefore not holding onto any resentment over it)?

[Rockylove]

I agree with ZigZiglar somewhat on this one.  If he has certain expectations that you feel comfortable meeting it makes sense.  If he expects you to be the Proverbs wife, it's damned near impossible!  I spent too many years trying to live up that image when I know now that for myself, I should have used it as a guideline~~not a definitive path.  Perfection is just not an option~~I'm too human to expect that of myself!

Defining what "submissive" really means to him may be difficult.  He may not know exactly what he wants so it will be difficult for him to tell you.   I hope that you are able to communicate some of your thoughts on this to him and open the door for him to articulate his thoughts as well.