Was your exBPD attached to you? And not really "in love"?

[Diana82]

My ex was the one who told me she loved me. But I never actually heard I use the phrase "I'm in love with you".

She used to say she was "attached" to me more than she would say "I love you". 

Once I found a note she wrote to herself that she kept in her handbag saying  "Other people cannot fill the void. That's not their responsibility". 

Although she wrote me a few love poems and said I meant the world to her... .    I didn't really feel romanced as such... more than she needed me and was attached to me.

She didn't give me anything sentimental for 3 years!  no jewellery (not even market stall jewellery), no photos in frames... nothing I could keep.

Yet I gave her a Tiffany bracelet and a ring.

Maybe because I was no longer 'filling her void' she was then able to detach so easily and then discard me in the end.

Because all I know is that if you were truly in love with someone (even if it had started to lessen in the past months)... .  you still wouldn't be able to detach completely the way they do.

I know it's part of BPD to split etc... but I also think my ex was attached to me to fill her void only.

[wowjer]

Mine used to say  "love u"  in like a fake high pitched voice.  She never said once in my ten years "i love you" in any sort of actually loving way.  She only ever said "i love you" after she effed up. 

[Suzn]

she wrote to herself that she kept in her handbag saying  "Other people cannot fill the void. That's not their responsibility".  

That is a very rational, true statement.

She used to say she was "attached" to me more than she would say "I love you".  

Although she wrote me a few love poems and said I meant the world to her... .   I didn't really feel romanced as such... more that she needed me and was attached to me.

She didn't give me anything sentimental for 3 years!  no jewellery (not even market stall jewellery), no photos in frames... nothing I could keep.

Yet I gave her a Tiffany bracelet and a ring.

This relationship sounds pretty one sided. What was it that kept you in this? Was it that she made you feel needed, as you say?

[Diana82]

I found an interesting quote that is relevant to my r/ship with her:

Her words were like tinfoil; they shone and they covered things up (Helen Cross, My Summer of Love).



My ex would say the most wonderful things to me... she idealised me... she said I was her "princess". She did love me and said she was attached to me.  Yet her actions didn't always match her words.

She also said I am the one she wants to marry... .  yet she couldn't give me anything sentimenta in 3 years?

She said she was attached to me... .  but cried over the thought of us moving together interstate because it would mean she's apart from her family.

[Diana82]

yes she made me feel needed. I am a classic rescuer personality... a "fixer".

When she opened up about all her abusive exes... I immediatly felt closer to her. I wanted to be the saviour. 

I wanted to make her feel wonderful... special... .  wanted and loved because she'd had "such a bad run"... .  apparently.

But then months before we break up, I started to see that I wasn't get much out of the relationship. She wasn't really offering much yet expected a lot out of me.

Also... I suspected she was deceptive as her stories of abuse changed... and she appeared unstable particularly when we argued  (she'd have panic attacks and burst into tears like a child).

[Suzn]

Also... I suspected she was deceptive as her stories of abuse changed... and she appeared unstable particularly when we argued  (she'd have panic attacks and burst into tears like a child).

My exs stories changed too. What I learned was that she would try to draw me in closer if she felt I was on to her. The stories got wilder as time went on.

Mine would have panic attacks and burst into tears too. When this happened it was unnerving to me. Im a fixer too so I would try to find a way to fix it, quick, I never did like that unnerving feeling, it was uncomfortable as heck. How did it affect you when your ex did this?

[Diana82]

Hi Suzn

Interesting... .  

How did you confront your ex about the change in stories? Or didn't you?

I didn't know how to do this. And part of it was that in the 'moment' of her telling me sob stories, she'd be crying or she'd show such conviction. I ended up feeling awful for her.  It was only later (when lying in my bed sometimes) I'd think  hang on... .  that doesn't sound right.    but how could a woman like HER be lying or fabricating abuse?  She was such a seemingly stable good person... highly accomplished and intelligent. I wouldn't have ever picked her to do that.

At the end of our relationship, I felt I did not understand my ex. She'd portray herself differently and I kept learning of new abuse stories... or new insecurities. She was so firm on certain things she would do and not do, but then change her mind randomly about it. I usually would never care, but towards the end my gut kept telling me that something is not right about her.

It was this feeling I kept having that I was pushing away... I didn't know what to do with it. I couldn't even articulate my concerns properly because I hadn't pinpointed why I suspected she was deceptive or unstable.

And this is why... when we had the break up fight, I started bringing up past examples of her inconsistencies ... to prove my point about her. And then giving other examples of how defensive she is for no reason.

I was quite incoherent over text message and came off as an emotional crazy person who was angry.  And this could then be used later against me as "harassment" by her.

[Suzn]

How did you confront your ex about the change in stories? Or didn't you?

I did. And just like you, ended up looking like the "crazy" one at times when we would get into arguments. None of it made sense to me either, then. The fabrications, one on top of another, became too many for her to manage, or keep straight. I could swear she started believing these stories. But, see, since I had covered up so much for her, no one believed me when I tried to tell what had happened. I gave up. I just hoped people would forget. They didn't forget, what happened was they saw what I saw later down the road. I actually got a few apologies from people who believed the stories.

And part of it was that in the 'moment' of her telling me sob stories, she'd be crying or she'd show such conviction. I ended up feeling awful for her. 

And this is the hook. I would end up feeling the same way. I'd give in and try to put it behind me and us.

It was this feeling I kept having that I was pushing away... I didn't know what to do with it. 

So, why do you think you needed to push away?

[Diana82]

My ex seemed to play into my rescuing tendencies. She knew I was an empathetic kind person who is also rather gullible!

Let me ask you what you would think about this example...

A few months before we split up, we had our first big fight.

We had been out at my ex's Uncle's going away function. It had finished early on a Saturday night and we went back to her house. I was a little tipsy and hoping to have sex that night as we hadn't in two weeks. But instead she wanted to stay up and talk badly about this older woman who had been at the party.

This older woman was clearly a bit of an alcoholic type. She chatted to me for a while and was friendly and sweet but tipsy. My ex was bagging her and going on about how inappropriate she is and how much of a drunk she is and "it's really pathetic" etc. I thought she was being  very harsh to this woman and said "I think you're being a bit harsh on her... "

And she snapped at me "YOU don't know her! She is always drunk. Why are you defending her?"

Me- "I'm not defending her I just think you should be a bit more understanding. She may have issues and confidence problems... .  "

I was tipsy myself and was repeating myself a bit. Then she barked rudely "oh Shut up! You don't even know what you're sayin you're so tipsy! Shut up"

And she rolled over in bed and started to fall asleep. And that was that.

I thought... How rude!  I had come to get family function, put it a lot of effort and I was only giving my opinion and get spoken to like that?

So I was so angry I got up and packed up my stuff. I didn't want to stay at her place that night so I said "I'm going out with my friends! I'm bored"

She FREAKED out. She had a panic attack in the night and next morning she was sobbing about it. It was so extreme.

She started to weep " clearly you're sexually dissatisfied. It's not good... .  "

I then hugged her feeling awful.

Then she started to tell me that her ex girlfriend "forced herself" on her and tried to rape her once!  And after that- she didn't feel much like sex.

I remember being horrified! I thought oh god! This woman had been to hell and back and I was soo silly last night for trying to walk out of her place.

I then magically forgot about how rude she had been the night before. I ended up buying her flowers and comforting her all day :/

Later on something hit me... .  I thought wait! How can this ex of hers now be a rapist type?

My ex had always told me from the beginning that this ex was "frigid". She told me she was so cold and distant and never wanted to shag and they had to see a couples counsellor!

Yet now this ex is a predator?

What?

And this is what made me suspicious and other stuff didn't add up either

It felt like she fabricated that story because she was scared I would have left her.  And later when she was dumping me she threw in " I had to tell u I was almost RAPED for you to apologise!"

Hmmmmmm

[Suzn]

My ex seemed to play into my rescuing tendencies. She knew I was an empathetic kind person who is also rather gullible!

This isn't surprising to you is it? In most relationships once people have been together for a while, they know what each others tendencies are and how to manipulate them if they are manipulative.

Let me ask you what you would think about this example...

A few months before we split up, we had our first big fight.

I'll be happy to share what I think, but first, in the spirit of "reciprocity"... .  I'll be waiting for your answer first. 

It was this feeling I kept having that I was pushing away... I didn't know what to do with it. 

So, why do you think you needed to push away?

[Diana82]

Oh sorry I missed this one! Too busy banging out my own messages 

I think I pushed away these thoughts, particularly the 'rape' story because I couldn't for the life of me believe this woman would ever lie about something like that. I believed she had been abused. I believed she'd had a really bad run... and all the women she dated were crap. Because I have sure dated some horrors in my day!

This is obviously why my ex continues to get away with playing the victim. She is an amazing actress! The best I have come across.

She was always speaking about having morals, what you do and don't do in a relationship... talking about her friend's failed relationships and how she believes that integrity is so important. My ex is an intellect... .  (trained lawyer and won a phD scholarship).   She had many many friends and a huge loving stable family life.

I would never in a million years think she'd be deceptive.  YET... I started to think that she was because stuff didn't add up, and I had that gut instinct.

I think I tried to push away these thoughts thinking I was paranoid.

I had become very paranoid with my previous ex and questioned everything... .  only to find she was still lying. So I was right. But I still felt like I was too paranoid all the same and needed to learn to trust that people are telling you the truth about themselves and their past.

I wanted to try to be less paranoid with this exBPD.

Funnily enough, my ex barked at me that I am a suspicious person who has "baggage"  and she detects an "underlying suspicion in my questioning and that she has to make her answers palatable for me"

[Diana82]

What lead to the break up argument was something that may seem so pathetic to most people.

My ex was sexually conservative from the beginning.

She was very firm on things she did and didn't want to do. She told me early on that she never sent nude photos of herself via cell phone.

And apparently her "emotionally abusive" ex wanted one, but she refused and was concerned what that ex may have done with the photo if they broke up... .  she told me "some people want revenge".

So she told me she made it a rule across the board... doesn't matter who it is- that she would not send nude photos ever.

I accepted this for 2.7 years. It didn't bother me... because it wasn't her thing. I appreciated her honesty about it too.

Towards the end of our relationship was when I'd started to suspect my ex was a bit unstable. I'd determined that she definitely was troubled and perhaps was heavily exaggerating her abuse stories.  I also felt I didn't understand her because she'd change her persona... .  

One day, she texts me a nude photo of herself. It came as a surprise to me... I liked it... but it was really random.

So my ex and I were sitting in a cafe a day later and I asked her about it and why she decided to change her mind suddenly after so long.

I already had it in my mind why she may have sent it.  I had felt for a while she was really insecure in the relationship. Particularly after the panic attack. And I thought it may have been her way to try to keep me keen. I should have asked her outright but wanted to let her do the talking.

She didn't seem to really want to discuss. But then said  "my body is sacred. I didn't really know you that well back then... "

I probed more and then she snapped and shouted at me "I DON'T HAVE TO JUSTIFY MYSELF TO YOU OK!"

This unfortunately then made me snap.

All of my suspicions about her came to surface and I started to lash out at her for being too inconsistent and defensive.

[Suzn]

I had become very paranoid with my previous ex and questioned everything... .  only to find she was still lying. So I was right. But I still felt like I was too paranoid all the same and needed to learn to trust that people are telling you the truth about themselves and their past.

I think you may benefit from your gut feeling. Of course we don't want to become so paranoid about our past experiences that we shut down from new experiences all together. However, would it be fair to say that just a healthy amount of self preservation is in order? You learned with the first woman people are capable of lying to you, though "our" tendencies are to want believe them. Why do you think you wanted to trust her so much when it was fairly obvious that her stories weren't adding up?

Funnily enough, my ex barked at me that I am a suspicious person who has "baggage"  and she detects an "underlying suspicion in my questioning and that she has to make her answers palatable for me"

We all have some baggage Diana. We've all been hurt a time or two. So, really, wasn't she right here, just a little bit?

My thought on your argument is there was some jealousy, feelings got hurt and you both reacted.  

[Diana82]

Well, it wasn't really obvious to me actually.  It was just a suspicion that was brewing inside for a while... .  since we had that argument and she told me she had almost been raped.

I believed it... but then I didn't... .  I thought she was a victim... .  then I thought she may not be.

I thought she *might* be deceptive and she *might* be unstable.

Because she has this other persona that she presents to the world  ie... highly accomplished and seemingly stable and she always comes across as being so warm and loving... .  it was very hard to think she has a dark side.  Nobody would suspect it.

[Diana82]

What do you think about the argument that lead her to have a panic attack and tell me about the rape story?

I found this behaviour to be very strange. I think I was actually dumbfounded at the time.

It wasn't like I was leaving her. We had a fight... I didn't want to stay over.

I think at the time I thought I must be more resilient in arguments. And when the rape story came... I thought man... .  this POOR woman!

I'm not sure if I mentioned... I found out two weeks ago she had lied about this stalker woman. Turns out my friend knows this woman who was branded a stalker by my ex.

And my ex raged at her and brutally cut her off.  So it's now becoming apparent to me that my ex needs to make others out to be harassers/rapists/stalkers... .  for some insane reason.

Yes, she was right when she said I was hurt by my ex and that I had an underlying suspicion in my questioning.

It was true. I had become increasingly suspicious of her towards the end... and her defensiveness was making me even more suspicious. She couldn't seem to clarify things without getting really uptight and snappy.

I kept trying to explain this to her... how her behaviour made me feel. But she wouldn't have a bar of it. And was focusing on the fact that I was saying she's too inconsistent/deceptive.  She wouldn't let that go and started to immediately go into victim mode and brand me as an awful person for saying something 'so outrageous' about her.

[Suzn]

I get it, it wasn't all obvious to me either. Looking back now, her being pushy to get close, was the first gut feeling I ignored. Next time, I will be showing up and paying attention.   

Because she has this other persona that she presents to the world  ie... highly accomplished and seemingly stable and she always comes across as being so warm and loving... .  it was very hard to think she has a dark side.  Nobody would suspect it.

This is the disorder. Once you became intimate, the cycle began.

My thought on your argument is there was some jealousy, feelings got hurt and you both reacted. 

[Diana82]

My ex told me that I had "crossed the line" by saying she is deceptive. She said she "couldn't move past it"  and that I had "burned her more than anyone else ever".

I have questioned myself so much... .  did I TRULY burn her?  Was I too suspicious that I insulted her integrity?

[Diana82]

so you think the argument where she told me she was almost raped was about jealousy?

I interpreted it more about her feeling I would abandon her. So she decided to try to play the victim... knowing full well that this would draw me closer to her again.

She couldn't say that her ex actually raped her... but she could get away with "almost rape"

otherwise... I don't see how a story about an ex could change so much. 

How can a frigid woman who never satisfied my ex (and my ex expressed she had been distressed about not having sex with her they went to couples counselling) was now an awful predator who tried to rape her?