DH gets stomped on, again.

[Parents! Get help here!]

 Last night's story:

My dd19 and I had some light emails yesterday, then at 6pm she wrote:

"I've been trying to get hold of dad all day! Where is he?"

I said he was on his way home... .  call him?

Then I smelled a rat. We had just paid her electric bill, to the tune of several hundred $$$.

So I looked at his email.

She started emailing him at 3pm, with basically this:

"I'm in a lot of pain, and in bad shape. My fingers are all cramped up, my shoulders are locked out, and I am really miserable. I need medication, but we are all out of money, and PJboy's grandmother has no more money to drive us anywhere. Can you let me have the $200 we budgeted for medical next month now? There are several dispensaries around here, and some will deliver until about 8pm."

Just after I read this, and was debating why she ever thought the budget we went over with her meant we were paying for this stuff, and realizing she meant MJ "dispensaries"... .  my dh called.

"So what does she want me to do... .  stop at the nearest park and find a guy on a bench and barter to get some weed?"

Then there was a flood of emails, by both my dd and PJboy, hysterical, threatening, nothing will help except weed, etc. However there was an interesting twist: PJboy said he was no longer going to sell stuff to buy what she needed because "that was not in the description of a caregiver, nor was the purchase of any household neccesities."

Wow lots of love there, and BTW... .  YOU LIVE THERE DUMBASS!

My dh told her he was happy to come and drive her to the hospital to get something to help, but as he is not a doctor, has not been involved in her medical issues for a long time, and she is  PREGNANT, he is not going to support buying a substance that is not regulated by her doctor. There are many other things she can take that can be provided by her doctor, and will not cost anything.

She says "What are you trying to do? Kill my baby?"

She has obviously been out of weed for several days... .  and she is detoxing. So what does she do when she is in emotional pain and the world is suddenly real and she can see it clearly? She ran away. She rolled out the front door in her wheelchair.

But, you say, how can she do that if she is in so much pain physically? Ahhhh... .  that is because it is imagined physical pain brought on by emotional distress. So just as she was able to climb out a second story window and scurry along the roof like a squirrel, she is actually able to do quite a lot.

So PJboy sends dh more hurtful emails. You are a terrible father, you should ashamed, I can't find her anywhere and it is your fault.

My dh says call the police. PJboy is petrified of the police and says no. My dh says he will wait an hour and then he will call. PJboy says my dd will hate him forever if he does. Why? Because she "hates the police". My dh says he would rather risk that than have her cold and lost.

At this point, I tell my dh NOT to call the police. This is what we do every time, and we always end up under the bus... .  by he says he would never forgive himself if something happened to her, so he calls.  45 minutes later, my dd calls, saying PJboy is going to be arrested, and it is all our fault, and they are going to press charges against us for "harassment". What?

So I really don't know the whole story, but I suspect it went something like this:

DD wants money for weed. They have used up his family's good will, and we say no.

She leaves, but only goes to the parking lot.

He rants like she is in danger, and he can't find her, which is idiotic because she is in a wheelchair for pete's sake.

My dh is the nicest buy on the planet, so he is worried and calls the police and says she is missing.

Police arrive to find her there, and they get a lecture about making up stories to worry the parents enough to call the police.

They are pissed off their ruse hasn't worked to get weed money out of us.

My dh is sad because he has been "had" once again, and says "maybe I'm just too compassionate to be a parent". He always thinks that if he makes little inroads, she will eventually come around. I say, unfortunately, she is addicted to weed, and that is all that matters to her right now. We supported that indirectly by paying the electric bill to grow the weed in the apartment, but that is it. No more.

The bigger problems are yet to come, of course. She has bought into the weed cult completely, and believes it can sure everything, from pain to cancer. As long as she does not see another side, she will be locked into this addiction.

FM

[frustratedmom]

 Last night's story:

My dd19 and I had some light emails yesterday, then at 6pm she wrote:

"I've been trying to get hold of dad all day! Where is he?"

I said he was on his way home... .  call him?

Then I smelled a rat. We had just paid her electric bill, to the tune of several hundred $$$.

So I looked at his email.

She started emailing him at 3pm, with basically this:

"I'm in a lot of pain, and in bad shape. My fingers are all cramped up, my shoulders are locked out, and I am really miserable. I need medication, but we are all out of money, and PJboy's grandmother has no more money to drive us anywhere. Can you let me have the $200 we budgeted for medical next month now? There are several dispensaries around here, and some will deliver until about 8pm."

Just after I read this, and was debating why she ever thought the budget we went over with her meant we were paying for this stuff, and realizing she meant MJ "dispensaries"... .  my dh called.

"So what does she want me to do... .  stop at the nearest park and find a guy on a bench and barter to get some weed?"

Then there was a flood of emails, by both my dd and PJboy, hysterical, threatening, nothing will help except weed, etc. However there was an interesting twist: PJboy said he was no longer going to sell stuff to buy what she needed because "that was not in the description of a caregiver, nor was the purchase of any household neccesities."

Wow lots of love there, and BTW... .  YOU LIVE THERE DUMBASS!

My dh told her he was happy to come and drive her to the hospital to get something to help, but as he is not a doctor, has not been involved in her medical issues for a long time, and she is  PREGNANT, he is not going to support buying a substance that is not regulated by her doctor. There are many other things she can take that can be provided by her doctor, and will not cost anything.

She says "What are you trying to do? Kill my baby?"

She has obviously been out of weed for several days... .  and she is detoxing. So what does she do when she is in emotional pain and the world is suddenly real and she can see it clearly? She ran away. She rolled out the front door in her wheelchair.

But, you say, how can she do that if she is in so much pain physically? Ahhhh... .  that is because it is imagined physical pain brought on by emotional distress. So just as she was able to climb out a second story window and scurry along the roof like a squirrel, she is actually able to do quite a lot.

So PJboy sends dh more hurtful emails. You are a terrible father, you should ashamed, I can't find her anywhere and it is your fault.

My dh says call the police. PJboy is petrified of the police and says no. My dh says he will wait an hour and then he will call. PJboy says my dd will hate him forever if he does. Why? Because she "hates the police". My dh says he would rather risk that than have her cold and lost.

At this point, I tell my dh NOT to call the police. This is what we do every time, and we always end up under the bus... .  by he says he would never forgive himself if something happened to her, so he calls.  45 minutes later, my dd calls, saying PJboy is going to be arrested, and it is all our fault, and they are going to press charges against us for "harassment". What?

So I really don't know the whole story, but I suspect it went something like this:

DD wants money for weed. They have used up his family's good will, and we say no.

She leaves, but only goes to the parking lot.

He rants like she is in danger, and he can't find her, which is idiotic because she is in a wheelchair for pete's sake.

My dh is the nicest buy on the planet, so he is worried and calls the police and says she is missing.

Police arrive to find her there, and they get a lecture about making up stories to worry the parents enough to call the police.

They are pissed off their ruse hasn't worked to get weed money out of us.

My dh is sad because he has been "had" once again, and says "maybe I'm just too compassionate to be a parent". He always thinks that if he makes little inroads, she will eventually come around. I say, unfortunately, she is addicted to weed, and that is all that matters to her right now. We supported that indirectly by paying the electric bill to grow the weed in the apartment, but that is it. No more.

The bigger problems are yet to come, of course. She has bought into the weed cult completely, and believes it can sure everything, from pain to cancer. As long as she does not see another side, she will be locked into this addiction.

FM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[briefcase]

Hi frustratedmom,

I've been following your posts, and your daughter's situation is absolutely heart-wrenching.  I have three daughters and can't even really imagine the pain you and your husband must feel watching her make one poor decision after another, for herself and her unborn child.  I hope and pray that someday your daughter sees the light and seeks treatment for her addiction and mental health issues.

When I read your posts, I often wonder how you and your husband cope with all this.  You guys seem to understand that you can't make your daughter change or get treatment and that she will have to make those decisions herself.  Even when we know this truth, it can be hard to accept that our expections are not our reality.  Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like it will be the last time your daughter comes to you or your husband for drug money, or says hurtful things to you, or tries to manipulate you.  I thought you guys did pretty well with this incident, calling the police and not giving her money.  I hope your husband isn't being too hard on himself. 

I'd like to know your overall strategy and goals for your relationship with your daughter.  Understanding that, for now at least, your daughter is who she is, what are you and your husband working on right now?  If you could improve just one aspect of your interactions with your daughter, what would it be? 

[qcarolr]

FM - I woke up today with you on my mind and could not get online until this evening. What another tough night for you and dh. It is so hard to accept that even little things of compassion do not lead to the outcomes we hope for. Sometimes I wish for a harder heart - all I get is depression for myself. Ah -- how to let go for another day.

Peace to you and dh - even a moments. My thoughts and prayers are with you today -- and with your D too.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

FM,

It is painful for you both. You continue to feel hurt by your dd. I am so sorry. You are loving, kind and compassionate people, we can see that. It is good to be loving and kind and compassionate.

I like what briefcase said. There is a way to work through this mess. What do you think?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[frustratedmom]

My phone died as I was posting - ill try again later!

[mikmik]

Dear FM,

This stuff just could not be made up!  I admire your honesty and detail and insights.  It reminds me that we are never alone in the with all the challenges of BPD.  As different as all of our individual situations may be, the common threads of BPD connect us all.  Briefcase reminds us all, that we need some strategy.  It is just hard to remember to employ it when we are in the middle of a BPD crisis, and fall into old patterns.  But, you, among all of us, I believe in my core, have the the ability to do this.

mik

[frustratedmom]

Oh dear... .  have I been passed down (up?) the moderator ladder because of something I said ?

I am so glad this forum is here for people like us, struggling to make sense of a world that doesn't seem to have much room for... .  logic /reality/healthy decisions.

As we make attempts to connect with our dd19, ultimately we have to decide what platform to stand on. My dh finally understands that my dd is only interested in what her needs are at the moment, and being "independent", which to her means she will do anything she has to do to get the money and the people to support her lifestyle. She has very black and white thinking, and that means to her either we are on her side or not. In addition, everyone is to blame except her... .  she has not assumed responsibility for her situation.

She has not been at home for a year. We have gone from sad and missing her and wanting her home, to sad but not missing her and glad my son has had a full year without her drama so he can come into himself. We do not have expectations for her, and we accept that she is gone and will never come home again. We are healthier, but there will always be an emotional hole.

She knows we want to have a relationship with her. Right now she is using that, and her pregnancy, as bait to get the support she wants. She is willing to have no contact with us at all, and that is very hard on us, but especially my dh.  He knows now that he was "had" by her, and that their wonderful conversation about the future and how much she cares about us was just agreement to get money for her lifestyle, which includes her addiction. Then when we came up with a "plan" to pay her electric bill, she agreed to that too, only to ask for more money two days later for weed.

I have reminded my dh that this is consistent behavior back to middle school when she started cutting. Her search for methods to squash her emotional and physical pain has been going on for a very long time. And, her manipulation to get what she thinks she needs hasn't changed either. She would sit across from us at the table, having what I thought were good conversations about whatever was going on at the moment, and she lucidly offered ideas and comments. Then she would head out the door and do all the horrific things that she did.

So here is my platform /strategy:

Keep reminding my dh that we cannot allow dd to abuse us, even though we would so much like to have a relationship with her, if she does not want one with us that does not involve us approving /agreeing with her choices and giving her money, then we cannot be a part of that.

Keep sending her emails about life stuff: family, funny videos, events, interesting articles, thoughts, photos of pets and people, and keep them straight forward and light. Do not send articles or videos about research on weed.

Let her know that we love her and are here.

These strategies are aimed at just keeping her in the family loop, and maybe the memories of us will stay alive for her.  Tenacity always has it's place!

FM

[Eclaire5]

Sounds like a great strategy to me. You put into words so many of the feelings my husband and I have had, such as missing them, and grieving for all the losses we experience as parents (the loss of a healthy relationship with your child, your expectations for a bright future, even the loss of feeling loved as a parent). My thoughts and prayers are with you and hope that your and your husband remain strong in this difficult situation.

[frustratedmom]

This afternoon's shenanigans

Just to make sure we know how upset she and PJboy are over us not giving her money... .  I got an email from Craigslist asking me to confirm my new post.

Problem was, I did not post anything.

The (prank) post read:

"FREE $$$ and Equipment to those in need"

It listed at least my email, maybe my phone and address as well, but since I did not agree to the terms, it did not post.

I reported it... .  but did not email my dd or her bf who I'm pretty sure is behind all this. Not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking he upset me.

I just wish this were not so stupid. Such a waste of time!

FM

[vivekananda]

Gee FM, I didn't know whether I would be angry or just disappointed again. How sad and childish - but nasty too.

I think your strategy to keep lines open and boundaries in place is right. I recall earlier stories of your dd and pjbf - you have my admiration for being so strong.

It's times like these I wish I had a magic wand, but that's not reality eh?

Vivek    

ps what's the moderator ladder? - did I miss something while I was on hols? It's not like a stocking ladder is it? 

[frustratedmom]

Haha Vivek  no no just several nice people with forum stars have been trying to help!

Yes nasty people,  that is who she tends to land with... .  the ones who believe conspiracy theories, government takeovers, aliens, ... .  and complain about rich snobs who have money (us... .  ummm middle class, worked hard our whole lives) and then want some for doing nothing.

She said once they "hate" her for her wonderful experiences... .  scorn maybe. But somehow she would rather be in that environment, with victims who disdain everyone else.

FM

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[somuchlove]

  frustratedmom

I sure hear and feel all you are going through.  One of your comments about the people your dd seem to find to be around,  Made me think that this can be true.  What I have seen with my dd is she finds wonderful people to have as her friends but they don't see the BPD side of her.  She is wonderful.  However, for example her bf seems to be a good guy with some issues , but dd is very good at creating issues.  Trying hard to drive away the person that loves her, as she seems to do with us.  In simple words picks fights... .  

You are very strong in setting your boundaries.  I feel your pain when doing this.  To survive I can see where we have to do it, yet it hurts so bad.  I hope that you can have a relationship with your grandchild.  That sure is wonderful for us with ours but certainly adds another twist to the boundaries and helping.

[vivekananda]

I have noted with my dd... .  and some friends... .  and some family... .  a predisposition to superficial persepctives where blame for the world's ills can be shunted home to someone else. I reckon they like it that way so they don't have to face taking responsibility for the way they and their world is, it too easy to have someone else at fault.

Given that BPD and such like is rife in my and dh's family and given that like attracts like, it is no wonder that there are   everywhere.

It is not only a sad situation for us, it 'worries' me, because I like a compassionate world where democracy rules, but the populist fearful blame mentality is a threat to that. While before Sept 11, a fear mentality was around, since then, some govts have been irresponsible in actively promoting fear, in order to get elected. So we have seen an increase in the anti democratic elements within our world... .  this doesn't help people with a prediposition to blame everyone else for their problems.

Not too far off track I hope - just another little vent.

Vivek    

[Eclaire5]

I also notice that my dd19 tends to hang around people that I consider somewhat paranoid. Her on and off boyfriend is a staunch believer in the illuminati and how all governments are ruled by it, etc. etc. I don't know why, but it appears that so many of our children have the tendeny to revolve around people like that. We are a hard-working, middle class family that have provided plenty for her, but she sees people like us as elitist, close-minded, boring, "sheep-like" individuals. She prefers to hang out with what my husband calls "street people", not necessarily homeless, but the type of girls and boys that don't do anything with their lives except smoke pot, get new tatooes or piercings, and watch youtube videos on conspiracy theories.

[vivekananda]

yep. I see it. It scares me.

Conspiracy theories are a way of avoiding responsibility. If 'they' are resonsible for the 'evils' of the world, then all we need is a superhero to get rid of them and all our problems will be solved. Remember the X Files? I used to love that show then I saw how it was just reinforcing the madness of conspiracy theorists and I became worried that conspiracy was becoming accepted as mainstream.

If I can blame someone else for all that is wrong, then I don't have to do anything about it. If the 'illuminati' (whoever that is... .  ) are at fault, or if it's 'big govt' that is responsible, they I don't need to do anything. Unless I want to be my own hero and take on the world in a dramatic way and pretend to be a superhero in my own mind.

Sadly, these conspiracy theories are build into our culture in all sorts of insidious ways. It is an excuse to avoid being a positive contributor to our society, a reason to drop out. And of course, for pw BPD every else is responsible for why their world is of hurt and anger and pain - especially their parents 

Vivek    

[Eclaire5]

Yes, you hit it right on the nail. It is that tendency to shift responsibility outside of themselves and put it on others. I think that's why these conspiracy theories have become so popular, it is a way for so many people to blame all the ills of the world on the government, or mysterious organizations, that way they don’t take responsibility of how they could contribute to society. Maybe there are many more people out there with personality disorders than what we think…