finally peace and calm and time to return to self

[heavenward]

I haven't been on these boards for over a year.  I had originally posted after only a few months of marriage, trying to figure out what was going on.    I then told myself that my H with BPD traits was just depressed - well that was easier to deal with.       Ive been down the road of the he felt suicidle, failed therapy, more failed therapy, rages, insults, him being emotionally detached,  no intimacy (physically and emotionally), everyone I know being unlikeable for some reason or other, snide remarks about me being perfect, stoping work so I became main provider as he wasn't well, spending like there is no tomorrow, endless rages over nothing (before anyone says it - it wasn't nothing to him he isn't well) but it all had to come to an end when a rage (over nothing - talk about being flabbergasted!)  occurred whilst driving myself and son in the car.   Time to use my head... .  

I do think H has lots of traits of BPD - I do love him and I do hope he gets help.  he just can't get help and live here anymore.   he has left - under protest (he didn't want to but still treated me badly and insulted me even though he didn't want to go?) he had repeatedly told me how he hated it here and was afraid of me and how I wanted perfection (I know projection).

I feel calm and at peace, there is peace in the home again, I know I am doing the right thing for both my well being  but  especially my sons.

At this point in time I remembering    "emotion  stops  motion"        emotions are very usefull but balance is needed,   sometimes we need to step outside and advise ourselves.

I hope he gets help  and  I will know if that has worked  because responsibility will have been taken.

[lost not dead]

        I am pretty new on this site but not to living in this nightmare. First it is with careful words I say sorry for what you had to do. However you have done the right thing for you and your son. The decision is his now to seek help. You need to be strong but not cruel and that is what you are doing. Hang on to you.

[heavenward]

Lost not dead - thank you.

thankfully though at times I have doubted and questioned myself through the past 21 months of marriage I have always came back to sense of who I am.  the last few months had been taking their toll on me  and  I had to fight back and remember who I am   despite what was being said to and of me...

I will also remember that the people in my life who know and love me (normally and healthily) know who I am.      I am fortunate that I will have their support always and especially as the financial legalities are dealt with.