how to prepare a toddler

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My H and I are likely to be divorced in the "relatively" near future.  I am starting this thread to ask for advice on how to prepare our D2, if preparation is even prudent?  I have had 1 or 2 brief discussions with my S7 about it, and told him that we still love you, it's not your fault, things are going to be different for a while, and Daddy probably won't always be living with us.  D2 is of course crazy about her Daddy, and seems to exhibit some anxiety whenever he (or anyone) is walking out the door.  I don't know if that's normal separation anxiety for a 2 1/2 year old or not.  Although I am sure it is best for both kids to have us eventually separated, I am a little bit concerned over how she will adjust.  I feel like I need to keep things the same as much as possible for her, ie, going to bed in her bed at my home, etc.  I don't know what H says to her when I am not there.  He has made damaging statements around the kids in my presence ("You don't love these kids; You're the one destroying our family", etc).  Does anyone know if I should attempt to prepare her at all mentally, or should I just be a source of calm and constancy for her through all of this?

[nowheretogo]

My H and I are likely to be divorced in the "relatively" near future.  I am starting this thread to ask for advice on how to prepare our D2, if preparation is even prudent?  I have had 1 or 2 brief discussions with my S7 about it, and told him that we still love you, it's not your fault, things are going to be different for a while, and Daddy probably won't always be living with us.  D2 is of course crazy about her Daddy, and seems to exhibit some anxiety whenever he (or anyone) is walking out the door.  I don't know if that's normal separation anxiety for a 2 1/2 year old or not.  Although I am sure it is best for both kids to have us eventually separated, I am a little bit concerned over how she will adjust.  I feel like I need to keep things the same as much as possible for her, ie, going to bed in her bed at my home, etc.  I don't know what H says to her when I am not there.  He has made damaging statements around the kids in my presence ("You don't love these kids; You're the one destroying our family", etc).  Does anyone know if I should attempt to prepare her at all mentally, or should I just be a source of calm and constancy for her through all of this?

[Rose Tiger]

I remember from divorce class years ago that when a parent talks bad about the other, the kiddo internalizes it that they are bad because they are half you.  If you can listen and validate if either of the kids brings this up, asking how did that make you feel and empathizing, it helps.  One thing I regret is getting pulled into drama at his antics of bringing her back late at night, being late picking her up, things that were upsetting to her, upset me and I'd let him know.  That only encouraged his bad behavior, I should of kept quiet to him or addressed it with the court.  Kidlet seeing us fight about it, I wish I could go back in time and act like nothing he did bothered me.

[catnap]

I thought this article had some good information and ideas. 

Talking with Toddlers About Divorce

by Laura Betts, LICSW, MSW

www.babyzone.com/toddler/touchy-talks-with-toddlers/divorce-talk-toddlers_72447

[nowheretogo]

Thanks, catnap.  That is a pretty decent article.  Gives me something to go on.  I have always made it a rule to not talk negatively about H, and plan to stick to it... .  it is important to try to remember the mindset of the toddler.

[ForeverDad]

I have always made it a rule to not talk negatively about H, and plan to stick to it... .  

And we have to be careful not to invalidate the children's observations.  Saying things like "... but that's the way your parent loves you", "parent was just mad, that's all" and similar comments 'to smooth things over' can invalidate the child's observations that something was clearly wrong.  Even from a young age the children need to learn what's right and what's wrong - without blaming of course.

[nowheretogo]

I haven't really talked with D2 about her father's reactions/yelling yet, other than to say Daddy is yelling to much.  With S6, I do tell him (usually) when I think that H did something involving him that was wrong.

[Forward2free]

My kids were 2 and 4 when BPD/Nxh and I separated.

Kids are going to be upset with things rocking their normal, so I held it together in their waking hours and was determined to be a really fun mum. We sang on the way to the table for tea and made up funny walks (walk like a monkey) on the way to bed. I was exhausted trying to hold it together, but I had my tears when they were in bed.

It's funny, but the kids didn't really notice he was gone. I filled in their time and bridged the gap and kept our life going... .  walks to the park, coffee with friends, shopping and stopping for doughnuts, and my favourite new tradition which we still do: Friday night movie night where we eat tea on the couch and watch a movie together.

The kids latched on to our new routine and embraced it. They wanted regular and they loved the new peace we all found together.

Goodluck.

[ForeverDad]

I recall the first week of my separation.  The police had, um, taken her away and by the time she was out, I had a temporary protection order.  That first night was so different, the silence was deafening.   The first two nights our preschooler, then 3 years old, woke up during the night and asked, "Where's mommy?"  I replied, "She's not here" and that satisfied him.  Other than those two times, he didn't want to even talk about her.  Six days later we agreed to a child exchange and he literally begged me not to be taken to his mother.  (And not the last time, either!)  What does it take for a child to beg not to go to the other parent? :'(

I chose not to discuss the details if he didn't want to.  The exchanges were something I couldn't change, so they had to happen whether he liked it or not.  Of course, she blamed me for him crying at exchanges and him clinging to me trying to make it so I couldn't leave without him, "What did you do to him to make him cry?"

Zip to 7 years later.  He doesn't remember those early years, but I'm sure he's not at his full potential now, there was a huge amount of conflict and stress during those formative years.  They had a significant effect on him and his development.

[buddhabox]

My kids were 2 and 4 when BPD/Nxh and I separated.

Kids are going to be upset with things rocking their normal, so I held it together in their waking hours and was determined to be a really fun mum. We sang on the way to the table for tea and made up funny walks (walk like a monkey) on the way to bed. I was exhausted trying to hold it together, but I had my tears when they were in bed.

It's funny, but the kids didn't really notice he was gone. I filled in their time and bridged the gap and kept our life going... .  walks to the park, coffee with friends, shopping and stopping for doughnuts, and my favourite new tradition which we still do: Friday night movie night where we eat tea on the couch and watch a movie together.

The kids latched on to our new routine and embraced it. They wanted regular and they loved the new peace we all found together.

Goodluck.

I am dealing with a split and an almost 3 year old right now.  This post is all that got me through the last week.  Thank you.  We do "gorilla walks" up the stairs, dance through every room in the house and try to make silly voices/games out of every task like cooking and cleaning.

I want her to see a happy home, a much happier mom.  I am saving my time to vent, rant and deal for when she is asleep.  So simple, but I needed to read that to put it in perspective.

@nowheretogo

I feel for you and can totally relate.  I moved into a new place recently with my D3.  I just dropped her off with uBPD exBF and the first words out of his mouth to her were "I know you live someplace new and mommy won't let me see it, because she is mean and doesn't love me." He has no filter with what he says to her and I expect the exchanges will be difficult for a time.  I am trying to focus on what I can control... .  my home. My peaceful home. my peaceful home... .  gotta keep saying it!