Could I be BPD too?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

feeling depressed lately... lost... confused... .  just undefined feelings

this can be happening if u r dating BPD person?

I am not sure... I have my moments where i lose it... where i just get mad and nervous over nothing

and I know it's not worth it... but i get mad for silly reasons

feeling empty... worthless... .   and the anger... OMG! that anger... it seems like things are  out of my control

at the end of my  day... i sit exhausted... thinking abt everything... and how i feel

and pang!... this silly weird idea... hits me

could I be BPD too?

i am not sure... i mean... i have been abused when i was young... i faced alots of trauma and break downs in my life... i feel extreme feelings too... but i never switch from love to hate... I don't know... but this confusion... and this depression hahaha i think i am losing it by thinking i might be BPD

i know he is not right by his actions and that he is BPD ... but am i>? i mean i am totally different from him... i never hurt feelings and act like its ok... i have empathy sympathy... and all compassion that needed in any relationship

i just snap sometimes because of the pressure he make on me... i may say something rude  as reply for his cold behavior after he hurt me and act like nothing happened

but am i BPD? or its just me having emotional break down.

[soma]

feeling depressed lately... lost... confused... .  just undefined feelings

this can be happening if u r dating BPD person?

I am not sure... I have my moments where i lose it... where i just get mad and nervous over nothing

and I know it's not worth it... but i get mad for silly reasons

feeling empty... worthless... .   and the anger... OMG! that anger... it seems like things are  out of my control

at the end of my  day... i sit exhausted... thinking abt everything... and how i feel

and pang!... this silly weird idea... hits me

could I be BPD too?

i am not sure... i mean... i have been abused when i was young... i faced alots of trauma and break downs in my life... i feel extreme feelings too... but i never switch from love to hate... I don't know... but this confusion... and this depression hahaha i think i am losing it by thinking i might be BPD

i know he is not right by his actions and that he is BPD ... but am i>? i mean i am totally different from him... i never hurt feelings and act like its ok... i have empathy sympathy... and all compassion that needed in any relationship

i just snap sometimes because of the pressure he make on me... i may say something rude  as reply for his cold behavior after he hurt me and act like nothing happened

but am i BPD? or its just me having emotional break down.

[happiness68]

SOMA - no, you're not.  You're just going through the motions.  We all go through them.  I sometimes question my sanity with the way I'm feeling.  I've had days of continual crying, analysing, so many emotions.  It's nothing more than going through a break up with a BPD.  You don't get it because you've had a r/s with a BPD.  Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. It's very hard I know.  It's early days for me too.  I seriously do think I'm sometimes going mad.  I've never experienced anything like this and most of the time I'm quite grounded.  Everything else in my life is perfect and I get so angry with myself that I can't just be happy for everything else that I have that is so good.  It's terrible.  Be patient and be kind to yourself.  That's what I'm trying to do.  Talking about feelings really helps whether that be on here or with friends.  Just air it.  You will get there.  Time and baby steps.

[waverider]

A pwBPD deals with their issues by projecting them on to someone else, by enticing them into the dance,. The want to give your their fleas, and you pick them up without realizing. The more you learn about the disorder and the tools to deal with it, the less you will join them in the dance, things will be seen more clearly for what they are.

[Take2]

I too have questioned myself on this - but knew inside I am not.  It was incredibly helpful for me to actually see a couple old, life long friends last month who I have talked to but not seen in a few years.  Their support and love and confirmation that I am not the crazy person during a very very crazy time was soo helpful to me.  I did actually remember who I am.  They have known me through every relationship of my adult life.  They know I am not always perfect, but I am by no means crazy.

My exBPD constantly does projection on me.  Last week it was all about telling ME how much I rage at him and he simply can't handle it anymore.  This kind of comment after sending ME a long chain of many texts "yelling" at me about an argument that I didn't know I was even having.   

It's really helpful to know that this is a common feeling (the am I the crazy one) and also know that people with BPD do project themselves onto us.  You might need to step back and take time for yourself to really remember who you are. 

It's very easy to get caught up in their anger, especially when you might be being accused of things that make no sense.

[happiness68]

Hello Take2 - yes, because we start to question ourselves.  They're very clever.

It's very easy to get caught up in their anger, especially when you might be being accused of things that make no sense.

[waverider]

What makes this worse is the fact that is common when in a BPD relationship that you become isolated from stabilizing influences to keep you grounded. This enables the gas lighting and brainwashing to have a greater effect

[Take2]

What makes this worse is the fact that is common when in a BPD relationship that you become isolated from stabilizing influences to keep you grounded. This enables the gas lighting and brainwashing to have a greater effect

This was so true for me... .    that's why it made such a huge impact on me to talk to my old friends last month when I went back home (northeast) - to be reminded by them of who I AM, to have them both know about BPD and understand what was happening to me... .     I know my friends here where I live now know the true ME also, I've known most of them long enough and they do tell me that, but I almost never see them anymore because I isolated myself to such an extent that it really has only been his input for two years or so now... .   

[happiness68]

Take2 - I can relate to this too. Where I had to be with my exbfBPD all the time, I isolated myself  and strangely became almost like I'd lost my confidence when I was with my own family and friends.  I didn't tell them about the real situation with him (mainly because I didn't want to upset anyone and I really didn't want them to dislike him).  That said, you start to come out of isolation when it's over, but it's very hard.  It's almost like you have to find yourself again.  Even now I sometimes feel cut off, alone and isolated.  I'm starting to get myself back together, but slowly.  I guess it's early days yet.  I should be more patient with myself.  I know where you're coming from though.

What makes this worse is the fact that is common when in a BPD relationship that you become isolated from stabilizing influences to keep you grounded. This enables the gas lighting and brainwashing to have a greater effect

This was so true for me... .    that's why it made such a huge impact on me to talk to my old friends last month when I went back home (northeast) - to be reminded by them of who I AM, to have them both know about BPD and understand what was happening to me... .     I know my friends here where I live now know the true ME also, I've known most of them long enough and they do tell me that, but I almost never see them anymore because I isolated myself to such an extent that it really has only been his input for two years or so now... .   

[nowwhatz]

You are not.

I know exactly what you mean. I think what happens to a lot of us is while chasing the dragon can be exciting when the dragon goes away our depression from withdrawals kicks in. We become obsessed with getting back our 'drug' and start questioning ourselves in this way because of the emotional confusion and pain we go through.

I am going through just that right now.

During my recent 'break up' talk the now again exgf said she was afraid. I have had this discussion before with her and we know her fear is being abandoned.  Her answer was that she was afraid of me because I know how to psychologically abuse her.

This was a great example of gaslighting and she had a built in excuse. Her son's dad's sister killed herself a couple days earlier and according to the exgf the poor woman's husband "psychologically" abused her.

The reality is the constant recycles and abrupt push aways I go through are the epitomy of psycological/emotional abuse.

Whether they do it subtly or overtly... .  like in this case... .  they project their problem so as not to be responsible for their emotional health, I think.

[happiness68]

nowwhatz - now I've never looked at it like that, but yes, you could have hit the nail on the head.  They blame us because they want someone to be responsible for their emotional pain and since they won't take responsibility themselves, they blame the one closest to them.  Us.  However, surely this pattern will go on and on with whoever else they meet down the line and at some stage, they must think is the problem them?  I agree that we at some stage think we are the one suffering with BPD.  What made me realise I'm not is that I'm not the one who hurts my partner and through doing so hurts myself. I believe I fight for what I want in life and a BPD wouldn't do that.  I think the same is the case for all of you here.  You fight for what you want, which is why most of you, like me, have fought to make the r/s work despite the problems and sadness we've all suffered.

[nowwhatz]

nowwhatz - now I've never looked at it like that, but yes, you could have hit the nail on the head.  They blame us because they want someone to be responsible for their emotional pain and since they won't take responsibility themselves, they blame the one closest to them.  Us.  However, surely this pattern will go on and on with whoever else they meet down the line and at some stage, they must think is the problem them?  I agree that we at some stage think we are the one suffering with BPD.  What made me realise I'm not is that I'm not the one who hurts my partner and through doing so hurts myself. I believe I fight for what I want in life and a BPD wouldn't do that.  I think the same is the case for all of you here.  You fight for what you want, which is why most of you, like me, have fought to make the r/s work despite the problems and sadness we've all suffered.

You are definitely not BPD. If you are in therapy I am pretty certain your T will confirm that.

I know what you mean by the fight.

[LetItBe]

I think it's common to question if we have BPD.  I did.  My therapist confirmed I do not have it.  I know I have some of the traits, though, but she says just about everyone has some traits of something.  That does not mean someone is mentally ill.

[BlushAndBashful]

1. If you're even entertaining the thought and accepting that you might possibly have it, you probably DON'T have BPD.

2. If you can objectively look back at your life pre-pwBPD and almost all r/s and interactions and seem relatively "normal" or stable - you probably don't have BPD.

3. If being in a r/s with a pwBPD has turned you into someone that you've never been before, laden with   and acting flipping crazy and you feel like you're going out of your mind- you probably don't have BPD.

[Skip]

To dispel a few myths... .  

1) Could you have BPD?  Yes, it's possible. You could have NPD or you have traits of either or you could be depressed or... .  

Most of our members are struggling with something. 72% of vs are depressed.  A smaller percent have some more serious things going on including BPD and NPD.  Big or little, your struggles suggests that some self work is needed. Truly, no one can even venture an educated guess based on 15 posts.

2) Is "do I have BPD?" a good question?  Probably not. If we had a headache, we wouldn't ask ":)o I have amyotrophic lateral sclerosis?"  BPD is a subset of Personality Disorders which are a subset of the "Multi-axial system" which contains a long list of afflictions that have the symptoms you mention.  Before labeling any of these things, a clinician would treat the symptoms and see if that is enough.  In may cases it is. If not, he wold dig deeper.

It's also worth noting that BPD (or NPD) or Depression are not like pregnancy where the answer is yes or no and then the celebration begins - personality disorders are spectrum disorders - you can have severe BPD, emerging BPD, subclinical BPD, a few BPD personality traits - strong, a few BPD personality traits - weak... .  

3) Maybe its just fleas from my relationship? Not exactly. Flea's are traits.  Our traits.  We own them.  Just like stress brings out the worst in a pwBPD, our relationship is bringing out the worst in us.  Just because it passes in time doesn't mean we resolved them.

4) Does questioning whether we have a disorder suggest that we don't have one?  No. This statement, which appears all over the Internet doesn't make sense if you think about it.  Yes it is true that some people have metal illnesses and are not aware as it is all they know. There are also people that sense something is wrong (or have been told) and are wondering what.  Every person that is in engaged in treatment for BPD had to question themselves before embarking o treatment.  

When we ask "is it me" we are starting down a path of self discovery and that is a good thing.  Keep going!  We have a personal inventory board for tis journey.

[waverider]

You can pick up the behaviors due to the environment you are in. Accuse/counter accuse etc. But you dont pick up the thought process, that is the basic illness.

If you have flaws in your basic personality being in a BPD relationship can expose them due to the stressful environment. It can also be the reason you fell for the BPD charm in the first place, and what kept you there.

So no you dont pick up BPD, but many people have minor dose of it anyway without detriment, and it could trigger that.

[Vanityvanity]

I have been diagnosed as autistic: autism and BPD do have some things in common. Also growing up autistic in a world so ignorant of it is very likely to leave autistics with bad emotional damage.

Long before I met my boyfriend/ex (not sure at present) and before I even heard of autism, I worked out that the reason why I was so alone and had so much trouble forming any relationship, even a friendship, was that I was scared of being either overwhelmed or abandoned by people. And now I find this in descriptions of BPD.

I have always felt unloveable. I have always felt that anyone who is with me will just leave - I once said to a counsellor, "I'm easy to walk away from." I do see people as either good or bad, trustworthy or traitors (this is also part of autism - black and white thinking).

I have said extremely cruel things to people who I wanted to be with and who didn't share the feeling. An artist rejected me, once: I destroyed a painting he'd spent weeks on. Someone I fancied didn't respond as I wanted: I sent him a vicious email. I have done the same to my boyfriend/ex. When he left I sent him texts which I knew would hurt him badly. And I felt I was being utterly righteous in this. I have done this many times, over the years, with various people who "betrayed" me.

Please note - this is not me beating myself up because I'm depressed. These are facets of my life which I have noted.

Maybe the whole BPD-label thing is the problem here. I think that the combination of autism and part miseries have left me as part co-dependent, and partly with emotional regulation problems, as seen in BPD (though I have never been psychotic at all, for which I am thankful).

It's not to say, "I'm as bad as him." What I am struggling to think now, is: Maybe I'm an equal partner in this chaos. Maybe it's as much about my problems as his problems.

Also I'm trying to make this into a simple, pat solution which allows us to stay together and for me to MAKE it work. Co-dependent!

[waverider]

It's not to say, "I'm as bad as him." What I am struggling to think now, is: Maybe I'm an equal partner in this chaos. Maybe it's as much about my problems as his problems.

Also I'm trying to make this into a simple, pat solution which allows us to stay together and for me to MAKE it work. Co-dependent!

We all have a role to play in this RS dynamics even if we did not start off that way we have absorbed and reflected a lot it.

If we were not seeking out validation for our own insecurities it is unlikely we would have been attracted to the initial idealization phases either. We would have abandoned them just like everyone else has, or at least held a healthy distance from their charms. Its is often our overwhelming need to either rescue or be rescued that got us in to this pickle in the first place.

[oblivian2013]

I worried about that a lot in the latter part of my FOG stage.

Took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) test (about 3 hours).

Which determined I had Major Depressive Disorder/Mood Disorder (DSM  IV: 296.32/3)

That was with my first psychologist 3 years ago.

My latest T gave me what he called an abbreviated version of the MMPI (about half an hour).

It indicated that I have very high scores in Self-sacrificing and Mercurial tendencies

Granted, I gave my wife practically everything I own

so, I get self-sacrificing

He read from a book on personality disorders:

The interests of the Mercurial Personality Type include (Oldham, pg. 293):

insisting that others come along for the ride

yearning for experience

jumping into a new love or lifestyle with both feet

being ardent in your desire to connect with life and with other people

being able to endure changes in the emotional weather

Main Interests of the Mercurial Personality Type

being involved in a romantic relationship

being intensely attached in all your relationships

showing what you feel; being emotionally active and reactive; putting your heart into everything

being uninhibited, spontaneous, fun-loving and undaunted by risk

being lively, creative, busy, and engaging; showing initiative and stirring others to activity

being imaginative and curious; being willing to experience and experiment with other cultures, roles, and value systems and to follow new paths

being skilled at distancing or distracting yourself from reality when it is painful or harsh

Disorder Perspective

The personality disorder which is a pathological representation of the Mercurial personality type is Borderline Personality Disorder.

I said that also describes my wife.

He said, "yes, and that's why you were attracted to each other.

However, on the scale from 1 to 10, you are a 5 and she's a 10."

There is a lot of info on the web about the relationship between Mercurial/BPD.

Find a therapist and let them decide if you are in fact BPD.

Chances are you aren't.

But what better time to find out than now?

Clear the FOG.

[Murbay]

I have been diagnosed as autistic: autism and BPD do have some things in common. Also growing up autistic in a world so ignorant of it is very likely to leave autistics with bad emotional damage.

So very true vanity and I know that has played a huge part in my life too. People either just don't understand or don't want to understand. I too sit on the autistic spectrum, diagnosed with Aspergers though I don't come across as the stereotypical aspie. That has come from years of observing others and logical processing. My exBPDw once told me that I could never empathise or validate her and incapable of giving her the love she wanted because she read it on an aspergers website.

What has now been proved and you probably know yourself, we are more empathetic than a lot of people because don't just acknowledge other peoples pain, we feel it too and sometimes go into sensory overload. In terms of myself when this has happened, once the overload is gone, I sit back and analyse the situation logically, every tiny detail to determine if I was at fault. My default is to take responsibility for everything as it is easier to deal with. Take ownership, even if I wasn't at fault.

The hard part for me is that I don't tend to think in black and white, I usually just think in white and even when others have pointed out the abuse, I still see the good qualities in people. Its this which has put me in abusive situations, allowed others to walk over me and made me and easy target. I'm not naive to these situations, just no matter how nasty and abusive someone has been, I still see the good qualities they possess and live in hope that one day they recognise them too.

I tend to find myself becoming codependent in a relationship, not because I fear abandonment as I have spent a good part of my life living inside my own head so I always have that place to go, but because I have felt I'm bringing the extra hurdle to the relationship and feel guilty for doing so.

[thicker skin]

  It's good that you're asking Murbay,

It's the very question that brought me here in the first place, having been diagnosed by my partner and completely head fuddled.

Some people don't know that they are ill and could never contemplate asking themselves or anyone else. I did seek help, for that exact reason.

I think the length of time that you've been abused, the environment in which you live, the sort of threats that have been imposed upon you, perhaps physical abuse, can have an impact on your mental health. Being treated as less than human for many years can eventually break you.

I've also known a few recently separated/divorced people go off the rails for a bit, but consider that quite normal, under the circumstances. It boils down to circumstances I suppose.

[Take2]

If we were not seeking out validation for our own insecurities it is unlikely we would have been attracted to the initial idealization phases either. We would have abandoned them just like everyone else has, or at least held a healthy distance from their charms. Its is often our overwhelming need to either rescue or be rescued that got us in to this pickle in the first place.

Ain't that the truth... .  

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi WaveRider,

Wish I had seen this advice earlier. When you say thought process, are you referring to thinking and behaving like our BPD partner?

Have to admit I am now quite depressed and it's affecting me at work. Any tips how I can "get back on saddle" or how can I get help from my T? Thanks.

You can pick up the behaviors due to the environment you are in. Accuse/counter accuse etc. But you dont pick up the thought process, that is the basic illness.

If you have flaws in your basic personality being in a BPD relationship can expose them due to the stressful environment. It can also be the reason you fell for the BPD charm in the first place, and what kept you there.

So no you dont pick up BPD, but many people have minor dose of it anyway without detriment, and it could trigger that.

[Changingman]

Having BPD or being around it. The disorder seems to pervade everything around it. Dogs, sex, relationships, community, work, the body, the mind, morals. It poisons the system. It becomes normal. You can feel it. Everyone has an internal life. It makes you play its distorted game.

[Murbay]

Mauser made a very good point in a previous post. If you are entertaining or even taking ownership of having BPD, it is extremely unlikely that you are not.

My exBPDw convinced me that I was the issue and that she was perfectly fine. She had me so convinced (without ever taking ownership for anything herself) that I actually believed her. I was very fortunate that she chose to see my T before I did. She wanted to lay the groundwork to convince him I was the issue, classic NPD because she truly believed she was so intelligent and powerful that she could control the T in that way.

He saw straight through it. In subsequent sessions with T we discussed it in further detail and the key reason he knew it was her and not me that was the issue. She walked into his office and put all the blame on me without taking any responsibility herself. As much as he tried to navigate, all she wanted was validation that she was right and I was wrong (black and white). I walked into his office and took responsibility for everything, I took ownership of things that were not mine to hold and that was the key.

She was very convincing to anyone and everyone, to the point that if I told anyone the truth they would think I was the crazy one. What she displayed in public was not who she was in private, but there were certain things she could not hide. The T played a little game with both of us, last minute changes to appointments, cancellations etc... Where I accepted that things changed, she hated anything that put her out and got resentful.

The final nail came when he abandoned both of us (on purpose) I sent him an email to thank him for his time and patience and what he had done to try and help. Wished him all the best for the future and left it at that. She actually called his office, demanded to speak to him and then raged at him, revealing her true colours and showing the side that she kept hidden from everybody else. He was now beneath her so there was no holding her back.

pwBPD are experts in mirroring our own behaviours and likewise when we are caught up in that environment, we may also mirror theirs. We can all share similar traits, the main difference being how we deal with the core of those traits. If you find yourself taking ownership rather than putting it on someone else, chances are that you don't have BPD.

[Skip]

1. If you're even entertaining the thought and accepting that you might possibly have it, you probably DON'T have BPD.

Just so w are all staying on the fact page - the above statement which is made on many message board has no basis in fact.  I'm not singling anyone out for saying it - its said in many places on the net.  That doesn't make it true.  Its urban legend.

pwBPD know they are different.  We have thousands of post here that say "when someone tells you who they are, believe it" - because many of our members have had their SO confide with them that they have struggles.

If a person has these issues:

feeling depressed... .

feeling lost... confused... .  

moments where i lose it... . where i just get mad and nervous over nothing

feeling empty... worthless... .    

anger... WOW! that anger... it seems like things are  out of my control

i feel extreme feelings too...

i have been abused when i was young... .

i faced alots of trauma and break downs in my life... .

      ... . something is not right in life.  The point is to find what it is.  Not to blame it on the ex or dismiss it.  This is what personal inventory is about.

The answer may be depression.  It may be c-PTSD.  It may be a thyroid problem.  It may be a personality disorder - we don't know and doing the inventory takes time and digging.

The BPD partner is gone.  All that is left is us and all that can be healed is us.

We have two choices, to find the source and fix it, or to cover it up and go forward with it.

[maxsterling]

I will echo what Skip said from personal experience.  My sister in law was diagnosed BPD recently after a suicide attempt.  And she accepts and works with that diagnosis, and from what I understand is doing better.  But, beforehand she thought she had BPD from self-diagnosis and years of thinking she had issues.  My opinion?  She may be BPD, but I think her issues may be different from what I read about here, and considering her whole family has been diagnosed bipolar - perhaps a mis-diagnosis.  but what is important is that now she seems to be doing better.

My girlfriend has been diagnosed BPD.  She fits every criteria to the extreme.  She's gone through DBT, and it got her to stop cutting and trying to kill herself, either directly or with Heroin.  But more recently, they diagnosed her bipolar, and she rarely talks about the BPD diagnosis from years ago.  I think it is because after the BPD diagnosis, she still felt messed up, and now she wants to embrace the new diagnosis in hopes that she will finally feel better.

She knows she has issues.  She's been seeking help for those issues since she was a teenager.  She constantly searches.   She is miserable.  And she has BPD. 

I think many pwBPD look externally for the source of their problems.  And emotionally, my GF does the same.  But deep down, she knows the problem is in her, she just doesn't know what it is or how to fix it.  But she wants to fix it, it's just that fixing it is scary because she really has to reinvent herself and be a different person than she has been for the past two decades.  And I am guessing that most BPD eventually get to a point where they know they are unhappy, and seek help somehow. It's just that they way they seek help may not be constructive, and they may not be willing to do the work they need in order to heal.