User-Ship

[Somewhere]

uBPD had a lucid moment the other morning. 

Said she was basically a User.  True dat.

So I am thinking we likely never have had a Relationship.  More of a User-ship.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Interesting term, but then a "usership' is her version of a relationship.

It is just a product of general neediness and sense of entitlement

Some are worse than others, and it is amplified in times of stress.

[Somewhere]

Some are worse than others, and it is amplified in times of stress.

True, there, too.  Thank you for that clear perspective.

She is just back (30 days or so) from Re-hab.  Eating disorder -- Ana + Exercise B.

So they really just took away her main coping mechanism and did not give her much in its place.

Suppose I would be off-the-wall, as well.

[rollercoaster24]

This is interesting... the fact that your girlfriend has identified that herself... I think that spells hope... awareness of her own behavior... maybe not enough to change it yet, but it is a start...

I often feel used myself... as do my unBP's parents... who at present are 'the enemy'...

I too can be flipped from being 'the only person in his life who cares about him' , to one of the people responsible for his downfall in his life... .  

Occasionally he says to me that he worries there might just come a day when I cannot forgive him anymore... I stay silent on the end of the phone... .  as that is perhaps what it may come to...

Being verbally abused and dumped at least twice a week is taking it's toll on me, and it does not seem to matter how much NC I give, or boundaries I press, his behavior does not change... He always ends up phoning, apologising, and immediately making excuses for himself... This all tells me that for the most part, he does not see himself making an effort to modify his behavior, let alone the intention to do so... .  maybe he just knows that he cannot...

I prefer to think that he chooses not to... .  that sense of entitlement is way too strong... chip on the shoulder etc...

And I am basically reinforcing him to keep treating me that way by allowing it to happen...

The hardest part for me, is that I understand why he does it, I hear all his pain, validate his feelings several times per day, sometimes hourly phone calls, support him financially, feed him, care for him, love him, and still...

I do not want to break it off with him, as I love him dearly... I know I could get someone else if I wanted to, or tried... But at 44 years of age, and the experiences I have had so far? I don't know if I would bother... Kind of feel like giving up on ever finding that real love... .  or that depth of feeling when it is heaven... like nothing I ever knew before... so sweet and beautiful and... .  real... .  

People keep telling me that as long as I allow him to verbally abuse me, he will keep doing it. I know all this stuff, I know he is ill and cannot help it really, I feel for him and understand him, but how can I really stop it all?

I really don't want to break it off, as then I would be confirming his painful belief, that everyone leaves him in the end, or they don't really like him, or want him around... I also see the push pull thing in motion, and his non-committal behavior because his fear about me leaving him is real... So he acts out instead, to avoid feeling it, or justify his behavior...

I have already asked him twice, to stop doing it, and that if he gets upset like that in future, could he please say he will ring back later when he has calmed down, or better yet, not talk at all if he is that upset with me... .  Why ring me if he feels that angry at me... (for whatever observation or thought process he is in at that time)...

I'm sorry 'Somewhere', this post was yours, and I just made it about me... my apologies...

[waverider]

Once an addictive coping mechanism is added to the mix, whether its eating disorder, alcoholism, self harming or dug abuse, then the "userism" (we're all inventing words now ) goes up, as using people and manipulation in general is also a by product of addictive behavior

[rollercoaster24]

Thanks waverider,

That is an interesting post...

I wonder if my uBP is actually using drugs... (meth to be exact). he displays all the traits associated with this drug... thin, constant aggression, unusual sleeping habits, spending habits, poor eating habits, lack of general appetite anyway and, (always broke). And he is obsessed with this drug too, always convinced that others around us are on it... He seems to know a great deal about current trends and how users inhale it too... (e;g light bulbs or light globes from cars). I have wondered this for some time, but am unable to convince myself, (due to lack of opportunity to search his car or room). This seems like a breach to mention having to do this, but when you have supported someone for three years, (on the premise that you know they are ill and cannot help it), and they are constantly convincing you of their nobility financially, whilst also abusing you and taking advantage of you, there are certain boundaries that I have when it comes to drugs and addiction... been there and done that with others before... not going down that road again if I am confronted with the truth...

If I had met him, and he told me he had a drug problem, then that may well be different, but at least I would know, and would be prepared, I would also be more hesitant to be as financially supportive as I have been...

This may well sound ironical, or at the least heartless, given I am a smoker myself... but drugs, combined with a mental illness? which one came first, the chicken or the egg?

Drugs are killers of the soul... and having had much experience with other partners, friends, etc, that would be the end for me... well, it would be a hell of a lot easier to go NC once I knew...

Even pot use has crossed my mind, as BP did smoke a lot of it, and was still using not long before he met me... When he mentioned some of the things he had given up, (one I won't mention here), one was drinking... he did not mention the pot... so that in itself speaks volumes, without saying it, says a lot... .  

Long term pot use, also causes psychosis in some people, and delusions... some of the things BP says and does exhibit this... I have asked him, and he always says No, he cannot afford it, let alone alcohol, and is not interested anyway... Hmmm, not so sure...

I do tarot cards myself, as well as psychic stuff, have done, (had that ability) for a long time... My cards have never been wrong, and often, long after something has happened, that I have been warned of, I always kick myself...

They always tell me that I have a sneaky, cunning, deceitful romantic partner around me, and it does point towards him cheating too... I always wonder if it is drugs he is dishonest about, but either way, they constantly tell me the same thing... I have stong instincts too, and it tells me I am not wrong... I actually think that he is still in contact with several females from his past, and goes to see them when he 'sleeps in his car' in a nearby city... I have observed very strange phone behavior, in that he leaves his phone in his car, the whole time he is with me... this has happened a few times now and then... and amazingly, I can never reach him on his phone, if I am worried and try calling him in the middle of the night... For three years now, I have never really checked up on him much... only the same as he did... emails etc... and occasionally I found stuff there too. His accusations thrown at me about Facebook stuff, was never anything to the degree of the stuff he has said and done... I had one post from a male friend once, and all it said was that he 'liked' a comment...

I know this is wrong, but if you had seen the extreme breach of my privacy and the damage he did to my life at the time, you might rationalise why I got paranoid too...

Oh god, I have done it again, start writing, and it all flows out... .  

[rollercoaster24]

I must add Thank you waverider, and Somewhere...

The topic is significant for everyone here, I am sure... .  

[Somewhere]

This is interesting... the fact that your girlfriend has identified that herself... I think that spells hope... awareness of her own behavior... maybe not enough to change it yet, but it is a start...

Yeah, that was a day after her first post-re-hab therapy session.

Although THIS week (Thurday, second session) -- the T already has her nailed down as a BPD.  (gee, duh, just look at the history).  So she is ready to quit T. 

And she started Friday telling about our big Split Up plans -- and her intent to drag our kids across the countryside through CrazyLand with her, and then ended the day by coming to bed (she has been sleeping on the floor for a month). 

Total Ding Dong Yo Yo, now that I have written it down.   

I often feel used myself... as do my unBP's parents... who at present are 'the enemy'...

I too can be flipped from being 'the only person in his life who cares about him' , to one of the people responsible for his downfall in his life... .  

Since rehab, I have, of course been that Evil, Evil Person.  Has to be if it cannot be thee.

Occasionally he says to me that he worries there might just come a day when I cannot forgive him anymore... I stay silent on the end of the phone... .  as that is perhaps what it may come to...

Being verbally abused and dumped at least twice a week is taking it's toll on me, and it does not seem to matter how much NC I give, or boundaries I press, his behavior does not change... He always ends up phoning, apologising, and immediately making excuses for himself... This all tells me that for the most part, he does not see himself making an effort to modify his behavior, let alone the intention to do so... .  maybe he just knows that he cannot...

I prefer to think that he chooses not to... .  that sense of entitlement is way too strong... chip on the shoulder etc...

And I am basically reinforcing him to keep treating me that way by allowing it to happen...

The hardest part for me, is that I understand why he does it, I hear all his pain, validate his feelings several times per day, sometimes hourly phone calls, support him financially, feed him, care for him, love him, and still...

I do not want to break it off with him, as I love him dearly... I know I could get someone else if I wanted to, or tried... But at 44 years of age, and the experiences I have had so far? I don't know if I would bother... Kind of feel like giving up on ever finding that real love... .  or that depth of feeling when it is heaven... like nothing I ever knew before... so sweet and beautiful and... .   real... .  

People keep telling me that as long as I allow him to verbally abuse me, he will keep doing it. I know all this stuff, I know he is ill and cannot help it really, I feel for him and understand him, but how can I really stop it all?

I really don't want to break it off, as then I would be confirming his painful belief, that everyone leaves him in the end, or they don't really like him, or want him around... I also see the push pull thing in motion, and his non-committal behavior because his fear about me leaving him is real... So he acts out instead, to avoid feeling it, or justify his behavior...

I have already asked him twice, to stop doing it, and that if he gets upset like that in future, could he please say he will ring back later when he has calmed down, or better yet, not talk at all if he is that upset with me... .  Why ring me if he feels that angry at me... (for whatever observation or thought process he is in at that time)...

I'm sorry 'Somewhere', this post was yours, and I just made it about me... my apologies...

No, no problem.  Needed that outside perspective.  I would say Crawl Walk, Run away now, while you can.

Mine NEVER apologizes for anything.  And rarely a Thank You.  After all, Psycho Mary Poppins and BPD(s) are practically perfect persons.  Just ask, they can tell you.