looking for a post where someone wrote a kind letter/email to ex -?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last night I read a thread on either Leaving or Taking Inventory where someone shared a kind letter they wrote wishing their partner peace.  I need to do that myself and would love to read theirs again before I launch into it.

Does anyone happen to know the thread I'm talking about?

thanks so much!

[atcrossroads]

Last night I read a thread on either Leaving or Taking Inventory where someone shared a kind letter they wrote wishing their partner peace.  I need to do that myself and would love to read theirs again before I launch into it.

Does anyone happen to know the thread I'm talking about?

thanks so much!

[happiness68]

atcrossroads - I don't know where that thread is.  Are you wanting to tell them you think they have BPD, say goodbye, ask to see them, what is it exactly you want to gain?  I ask because I wrote my exbfBPD a lovely letter and sent it NY Eve.  It was for me really I guess to let him go, know that I loved him still (I didn't want him to think he could get away and believe that he was never loved - the thought of that made me think to myself how dare he) and I suppose kind of leave the door ajar to see if I got a response.  That's why I ask what you want to say there?

[Tausk]

If your intention for being on this board is to detach and leave, then I'd say write whatever you want, read it to your ex in a quiet place... .  by yourself, and dispose of it.

And if it still needs to be said in a year, reconsider it then.

A person with BPD, won't be able to interpret the letter in any consistent or predictable manner.  They will take portions and use it to feed the disorder.  Remember, it's called Borderline, because the sufferers seemed to border on delusion.  Closure for those on this side of the board comes from acceptance of the facts of the disorder and recovery from the core wounds of childhood.

All the letters of explanation or closure that I wrote only futhered my ex's pain, and caused her to paint me further black, or enabled her disorder by allowing her to find justification for her unexcusable behavior.

And when honestly looking at my motivation, my letters were a way to look outside of myself and keep the familiar pain rather than feel the sadness of depression abandoment    And my letter writing only caused me further pain.   Just writing them caused me pain because I had to spend so much time on each word.  And, just like my discussions or arguements, and even when I knew that my ex was delusional, I never won an arguement or managed to have my ex understand my perspective.   There's no reason at all to believe that any letter I that wrote would be interpreted in the manner that I intended to be conveyed.  

And the truth is after all the discussion, all the therapy, all the DBT, all the rationalization, all the lies, all the abuse, all the betrayal... .  What more really needs to be said!

The poster that you speak of, her actions only served to futher the disorder in her ex and caused him suffering.  She wrote him and then didn't return his calls.  95% of the people on the board advised against sending the letter.  But she did it anyways.  And for what purpose other than to cause pain and suffering to a person who's emotional maturity is that of a three-year old living in a the very real horrors of their worst nightmare. It's sadistic.

So basically her actions could be summarized as: breaking of boundaries, game playing and futher abuse to her ex.

Regardless of your intentions, any letter you send will probably be interpreted as your abusiveness or as vindication of your ex's behavior and vindication of the disorder.  

The disorder always wins!  And remember the disorder is... .  borderline delusional.

[waitaminute]

I can only say that all of my emails to her were kind. And when I said goodbye, I was kind. And I gave her closure time to write whatever she wanted. My responses were again... .  kind.

Makes no difference. They will paint you black anyhow.

And I have to add... .  Even in a normal rs, you really should be willing to let your ACTIONS during the rs stand on their own merits...   not that it would make any difference. Kind and loving actions don't help. And if you were not kind and loving... .  That doesn't matter either... except to you maybe.  The result would be the same.