Growing Frustrated, but trying really really hard not to

[Schism]

My dsd-10 has been in residential treatment for one week today.  They say she is a shining star and just thrilled to be there... .  they do not understand why she is there: duh... .  that is why she is there!  She refuses to take the "hard road" and be an active role in the family, society, school, anything... .  it's too much "stress" for her!  That is what she is there to work on!  They are already looking at removing her borderline/narcissistic dx, and that certainly will not help her treatment.  She can function beautifully as long as she doesn't have chores, parents to guide and discipline, and sisters to annoy her... .  we have explained this to them over and over.  Trying not to become frustrated!

To top it off, if you have been following my posts, you know that we have 3 other children (12, 8, and 6) to work around, but we are being treated as though our dd10 is the only one in this world.  They do not care if 12 year old has soccer practice and games or plays in band, they do not care that 6 year old is undergoing extensive neurological workup, they do not care that 8 year old is in her own intensive therapy... .  we MUST cater to dd10.  While I understand that it is crucial to be an active role in her treatment (as we have been from the start), is it wrong to want to do right by my other children as well?  The facility is 400 miles from our home, and we had worked out a schedule that accommodated ALL members of my family, but now they want to switch it up in a way that keeps 12 year old from participating in 4 practices and 2 games and misses a band rehearsal, keeps 6 year old from making her next appointment which was to include an MRI and endocardiogram, and my 8 year old has to miss her therapy session.  This doesn't seem right to me? 

I have talked with the therapist and explained that we must consider all variables, not just DD10, and she made me feel as though I were satan for suggesting such a thing.  I'm just so frustrated.  I'm the type where I am considering the damage this is all doing and going to do to the rest of the girls, but I seem to be the only one who gives a darn about the effect on them!

Am I being petty?  Or selfish?   I know I should be counting my lucky stars that DD10 was accepted into residential, and that we found a good facility, but hey!  What about the rest of us?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Schism]

And as a side note:

if we do not accommodate their requests, it goes into our file as "non compliant"!   This would mean it would start to look as though it were a parenting issue, not a Borderline issue.     :'(

[jellibeans]

shocking... .  maybe this is the wrong place for your daughter. After one week they are making these kind of claims? I think you have found the wrong place if they make you feel that way. BPD kids can appear very normal but they can't keep it up forever... .  she will show herself.

Is there any additional help you can get from family or friends? Ask the soccer coach for help or another team member for rides. You might have to divide up and your husband do the running around and you go to the therapy sessions. I can see how hard it is to have other kids to take care of... .  be strong... .  don't doubt yourself and what you are doing.

[lbjnltx]

Oh Schism,

I am sorry that this is happening. 

This is the difference between treating the family and treating the patient.  For example at Falcon Ridge, if a parent couldn't make it to a family weekend, the T would explain to the student on many levels (has to provide for your care financially=love/concern for you, can't lose his job=care/concern for you, would jeopardize the finances and could result in you not staying long enough=care/concern, focus on one parent being here to strengthen your bond, sibling doesn't come=all members of the family have needs that are important) to discourage the black/white thinking that parent/sibling doesn't love her enough to come.  In other words... .  the T would use it as a lesson about life... .  we can't always get what we want and that doesn't mean we never will or that it is a personal slight towards them.

The initial first couple of months of rtc can be a stressful time... .  they will most likely want to make their own assessment for diagnoses.  I worked with my d's T to help her see the Borderline Features and how she was presenting them... .  we both learned alot from each other.  It is important to have a good working relationship with as many people at the rtc that you can... .  you have the skills to do this.  I know it doesn't seem fair... .  it is what it is.  Perhaps you can ask them to wait for a while before making any formal changes in her records.

jellibeans is right... .  she will show herself... .  the structure and the demands will begin to eat away at her she will act out or act in and they should see it. They can then see how to best treat her and then she will be presented with skills and held accountable to use those skills.

If you had your choice of any RTC for your d this place may not have been the one you chose.  You didn't have that option and you made the best choice of the ones that were available.  You did good!

 

lbjnltx 

[Schism]

So far, we are planning for at least one visit where we bring all of the children for a visit; other than that, me and my husband really have no choice but to divide it up: he goes the one month, I go the next and so forth. 

I have a feeling that the facility may also need to test me and my dh abilities as parents: are we just going to turn a blind eye and say "out of sight out of mind" or are we going to do what we can to meet their requests, and when we can't, are we able to provide a solid reason for it.  And if that is what they are doing, I can appreciate that, because too often, children get thrown into a facility like this, and it becomes vacation time for the parents... .  maybe they are just feeling us out to see what "type" of parent we are. 

jellibeans; I really think this it the right facility for her, it is just difficult for them to work with her has closely with us being 400 miles away.  If we were to attend each and every session face to face, they would surely see the side of dd10 that needs the treatment.  So, they are working with what was given to them.  The facility is very highly recommended, and our dealings with them have been ok so far, except for when it seems they do not care to treat the family, just my dd10.  Maybe that will change as we all get adjusted.  As I've said, she has only been there one week, so everyone is still kind of figuring each other out at this point; waaaaaaay to early to set anything in stone. 

Thank you for the encouragement (as always) lbj; and you are right, if we had our chance at choosing ANY facility we wanted, we may have went a different route; I'm not ready to give up on this one yet though.  I really think we are just in that "too early to know" phase.

My daughter did tell me that she had quite an ugly encounter with another groups psychiatrist; she pulled my daughter out of lunch and took her to the classroom to tell her "you do not deserve to be here.  TriCare is wasting their time and money on you.  You took the place of a child who probably desperately needed treatment; your here because you're a spoiled brat and nothing more"... .  needless to say my dd10 and myself both filed grievance reports against this woman, and she shouldn't have any more contact with my daughter for the rest of her stay.  Just not a good way to start off such a delicate time in my dd10's journey. 

[lbjnltx]

Schism,

I know it is not possible to be there for every weekly session... .  what about over the phone? 

[jellibeans]

Can you tell me what RTC you are at? I think you had mentioned Merridell... .  that is one that is on my list but that is because it is close by... .  

It is a hard decision... .  my daughter has been wonderful lately... .  really I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall but she has been doing well... .  new therapist DBT... .  and new drugs... .  she has been good and trying for the first time.

She is getting help with her homework tonight for the first time in years... .  help she needs but refused... .  it is shocking to see... .  

I hope in time your daughter will get the help she needs... .  

[momontherun]

Your concern is very valid- she needs help they aren't seeing at the moment in time they will see it too - hopefully they answer your questions and able to work with your schedule especially being so far away and with other children an obligations... .  there is only so much you can do -Our children are such chameleons its easy to buy into their perceptions.

It took my dd15 almost 2 months before she couldn't hide it from them anymore. The rtc took a wait and see approach for her to get comfortable and establish herself. They simply continued what the P/T docs at the hospitals were doing but did add on lamictal as it was very apparent her moods were all over the place although she denied it. At the hospitals she was doing 5-6 groups a day and is was very stressful- the rtc stripped her schedule to almost nothing to give her body a break, time to heal and let everything sink in while cautioning her about getting too close to the other girls as she was there for her and not them and getting her caught up in school (she did a whole semester in 2 weeks so now are limiting her to an hour a day and adding on groups). They mentioned bipolar which she absolutely rejected... .  its still being ruled out. When we have our weekly sessions I talk with the T first then she calls me back after she has dd15 then we get to personally talk afterward with another personal call the next day. I can call any of them anytime to get questions answered which they always do though it may take a day or two and constantly checking on my schedule seeing if I have the time knowing I have 2 other kids. They mail me her monthly tx plan review and we discuss it in detail ... .  I am loving this place - a far cry from how I perceived anyplace like this and such a relief especially with her being so far away so I was very suspicious and ready to start defending again when she first went. Instead of what I perceived I get understanding, openness and true help for my daughter helping me let go so I can repair the rest of my family so we can all be better when she comes home.

There is only so much anyone can do - I would give it a month to feel each other out then if you still don't feel your apart of her treatment or are being held accountable for her actions then I think it would be time to move her somewhere else. I feel it has to be the right match for true treatment - everyone is different in their approach = so many different places.

[Being Mindful]

Schism, How about Skype for some of the weekly sessions/meetings?

[Schism]

Great suggestions everyone. I definitely think I'm going to inquire about Skype, it'd be great to see her as well as hear her.

Lbj, we are doing weekly telephone sessions, with face to face as much as is manageable.

jellibeans, my daughter is at Youth Villages Inner Harbour Campus in Douglasville GA, Meridell was our first choice, but they wouldn't have bed space for several weeks, or that is probably where she would be. The admissions guy, Jerry, was really great and helped me with a lot of my questions. Their website is pretty informative as well.

Our first FT was last night,

And our dd10 showed her new T some of her true colors. T asked dd10 to paint a picture of how she wants home to be, her response

"my sisters are always quiet and don't bother me with things I can't understand. My mom and dad leave me alone about school work and chores. And if I throw a tantrum, they just let me do it"

T: "but it's not okay for your sisters to hear that kind of talk and tantrum"

dd10: "so, they all still need to do what I say"

T: "who has the control and the most power in your home"?

Dd10: everyone

T: but who do you answer too?

Dd10: myself

T: are you saying your role is more important and more powerful than mom and dads?

Dd10: yes. Can I go home now?

T: a week a go, you came in wearing bells and whistles ready to party here, what changed?

Dd10: mom and dad have better food, and I don't have todo what they tell me to. So can I go home?

T: oh no sweetheart... .  now I see we have much, much, much work to do here.

At this point dd10 loses control and starts screaming; T instructs us to ignore the behavior and she wanted to discuss part of her treatment plan with us. The T got dd10 back to her room, then came back and explained that was the first sign of any attitude, disrespect, defiance, anything she had seen from our daughter, so she wants to tweak the TP, and call me with updated one today.

[lbjnltx]

Awesome... .  now the work begins!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

excellent... .  keep us posted... .  now they can begin to help

[momontherun]

Wonderful! Its a bit weird for me congratulating for your dd's defiance yet its so relieving for others to see some of what your talking about which can be built upon