Feeling uncomfortable sharing positive OR negative things with him

[shatra]

Hi

  I am feeling overall happy with my relationship right now. The validation of him really helps.  I find it difficult at times to share either good (a recent work achievement) or difficult (I won't say "bad"----I am trying the DBT skill of non-judgment!) things (a recent death) with him.

  Though he can be understanding, I find that the positives that happen to me can make him fear losing me (If she becomes more successful she won't want someone as terrible as me anymore).  And if I share the painful things, he sometimes is bland and neutral, not saying more than "Oh". It may be because if I am in pain, he has weak boundaries and fears absorbing my pain. Even someone else's pain can be too much for him to bear!

   So this reduced sharing that I do with him makes the relationship feel a bit less emotionally intimate, which I feel upset about.

Have a nice day

Shatra

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[Cloudy Days]

I think a lot of us on this board can probably relate to this. I don't share much with my husband at all. It's either something I know is a trigger subject or I just don't know if it's a trigger so I just don't bother because it's not that important. I also find that I keep personal things to myself, I don't trust him enough not to use things against me. He also does this thing where he always has to top what I say when talking about our crappy childhoods. I can't say that I had a bad childhood but there are things that I know affected me a lot. My husband has no sympathy because he always had a worse expeirience. It's not like I am looking for a lot from him but at least acknowledging that it would suck to go through what I went through would feel nice. Every time I share something it turns into a endless conversation about how his childhood was terrible and I don't even get to say something again about myself. If it weren't for decent sex and affection from him I wouldn't feel intamate with my husband at all.

[laelle]

How about... .  Hey I got a raise today, lets go (do something HE likes to do)  that way he gets rewarded for your success as well.

When bad things happen to you, they happen to him too.  This is tough, I know it is for me.  You pretty much have to gauge their mood.  Are they tired, what kind of day did they have... .  Etc etc.  You can try to get a little sympathy, but dont take it personally if he isnt giving at the moment you want it.  I usually say... Ok hun your right, its not the end of the world.  The next day he will usually find a reason back into the convo and add some support.

[CodependentHusband]

Yes. I know how you feel. It's like when you most need emotional support, it gets withheld for some reason. I am very guarded about exactly what I share with my dBPDw for the exact same reasons you mention. You are not alone. I try to get that kind of support from my family and friends for the most part, and it works pretty well for me. I'm sharing less negative things with them, because I think it wears them down, but mostly because there is less negative energy in my life right now anyway. What is left that is negative, I discuss online with you guys. Lol

[Shaktipat]

I don't get the opportunity to share much of anything with my husband because his mouth never stops,  and it's all about him. I stopped trying. The other day I was talking to him about my day at work which turned into his day at work. He often seems not interested in anything that doesn't hae to do with him,  or he turns it into something to do with him. Sometimes I just want support and empathy,  which is exactly what I won't get from him.

[shatra]

Hi

I see that others can identify with my upset feelings----that helps!

Cloudy Days wrote

It's not like I am looking for a lot from him but at least acknowledging that it would suck to go through what I went through would feel nice.

====Yes, it seems to be hard for them to validate us.

Laelle wrote

When bad things happen to you, they happen to him too

-----Yes, that is a great analysis of it  in a nutshell. It seems the lack of boundaries makes them absorb what we feel, and then try to avoid the pain.

Codep Husband----True, sharing here helps

Shaktipat---Yes, I struggle with trying to get a word in edgewise, and feel frustrated when he interrupts my talking with his stuff.

  I wonder is there is a way to ask for more emotional support? Maybe SET

S---The relationship is important to me

E---I know you are dealing with a lot of strong emotions

T---It would help if I could turn to you with things I feel upset about

Shatra

[Steph]

 Or radical acceptance.

He has BPD and he cant make himself be able to manage his or your emotions.

So, instead, what about, for you?

" He has BPD, and I am choosing him for my partner. He has limitations on what he is able to give me and offer me, as far as support emotionally. If I am to be in a relationship with him, and he is not treated, then I need to find my needs supported elsewhere. Yes, this isnt ideal, but reality is he has BPD and cannot be present in this way for me"

[Chosen]

As the replies already said, I think this is pretty common for us nons.  And it's unlikely to completely change, because pwBPDs don't think in the same way as we do.  For my H, he also has the tendency to make everything about him too... .  when I feel down sometimes he would invalidate it by suggesting I shouldn't feel that way. 

I don't want to hide everything but I do become selective in what I share, and at many times have to water down all the emotions I have and just tell him facts + 10% of the emotions.